• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INFJ] INFJs and Dating

Kiddo

Furry Critter with Claws
Joined
Sep 25, 2007
Messages
2,790
MBTI Type
OMNi
:huh:

I dunno bout you folks, but I'm just lonely and would like someone to share my life with. There is no great romantic quest or seeking inner fulfillment involved here. I just want a friend to talk to and a warm body to snuggle up to at night.

And I really, really, really hate dating as a means of getting there. Dating is not natural for me, so I inherently have to pretend I'm someone I'm not in order to meet someone. It just doesn't make sense to me. And the whole process is weird and uncomfortable.

So I'm wondering. What do you INFJs do to make dating bearable?
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
My problem is being extremely selective, finding the right guy, having him come on like gangbusters and then flinch to put his hand in the fire.

I get it.

I'm too much.

Fe primary = guys drawn to the flame but not willing to combust

Get. Bent.
 

elfinchilde

a white iris
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
1,465
MBTI Type
type
Kiddo. Read your own post. Sweetheart, it's all about you: that you're lonely, want a warm body, and a friend.

You know that old chestnut? If you want a friend, be a friend. :)

Don't force love, is about all i can say. I guess. Because if something is meant to be, it will be; if not, no amount of wishing or wanting, no power in heaven, earth or hell will make it yours. In which case, why yearn? Let it come naturally.

If dating is awkward, it is perhaps because you desire an outcome too much. Just relax and go with the flow, expecting nothing? :)

ah, my dear pink. I get that a lot too. The trouble with being elemental fire. :hug: But that's what standards are for, ya know. You can't love to the point of self destruction. If they're attracted, but afraid, then really, would you be happy with them in the end? It's no point being angry, or bitter, i guess. Men can be like that. Fickle. Afraid. :laugh: But as women, the power is in us to choose what to accept, and what not to. How can you be a real woman, to a man who's only half a man? Peace, lady. :hug:
 

Kiddo

Furry Critter with Claws
Joined
Sep 25, 2007
Messages
2,790
MBTI Type
OMNi
Kiddo. Read your own post. Sweetheart, it's all about you: that you're lonely, want a warm body, and a friend.

You know that old chestnut? If you want a friend, be a friend. :)

Don't force love, is about all i can say. I guess. Because if something is meant to be, it will be; if not, no amount of wishing or wanting, no power in heaven, earth or hell will make it yours. In which case, why yearn? Let it come naturally.

I've actually given that exact same advice many, many times. That isn't quite what I am looking for. I'm very aware that many others have the same needs and are seeking the same thing. The problem is I don't have an effective process for finding those people, because dating sucks.

If dating is awkward, it is perhaps because you desire an outcome too much. Just relax and go with the flow, expecting nothing? :)

It's awkward because it is unnatural. I explained all the reasons I don't like it. I don't like assessing people. I don't like being assessed. It isn't something I would normally do, so it isn't me. I just hate it.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Philo - in response to your PM... Yes. I 100% relate.

In one of my fiery entanglements, I remember turning on my ENTP (when I found out he had a fiancee... I won't even go into that) and demanding, "What is it?! What is it about HER... tell me..." He didn't say anything, just sat there staring at me like I was kicking him in the stomach. "Does she challenge you at all?" I asked. "No," he said quietly.

She must be so well-behaved. Easy to manage. Acceptable to the parents. NORMAL. whatever... He should have left me alone. Instead he spent a year being coiled around me and frustrating himself.
 

faith

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2007
Messages
408
MBTI Type
INFJ
.Should always be happy ***

:rofl1:

Don't know why this cracks me up, but it does. Sort of the epitome of wishful thinking?

Not knocking you, tENisFJ, just laughing at myself through you. ;)
 
S

sammy

Guest
Philo - in response to your PM... Yes. I 100% relate.

In one of my fiery entanglements, I remember turning on my ENTP (when I found out he had a fiancee... I won't even go into that) and demanding, "What is it?! What is it about HER... tell me..." He didn't say anything, just sat there staring at me like I was kicking him in the stomach. "Does she challenge you at all?" I asked. "No," he said quietly.

She must be so well-behaved. Easy to manage. Acceptable to the parents. NORMAL. whatever... He should have left me alone. Instead he spent a year being coiled around me and frustrating himself.
Ugh... I've been in the same spot a few times in the past year. The guy gets so drawn to my ability to challenge him and next thing you know they decide to go with some Bebe-wearing bimbo because her demands in love are simpler to deal with (Buy me this, that, call me every night, let me tease you endlessly, let's not talk about politics/philosophy/religion etc).

What I want in a relationship goes well beyond the material and even for the most intellectual dude that's too much "drama" because they're not used to a girl being confrontational and direct. I've had problems lately with guys who were previously tough and non-coddling to me going all mushy and annoying, completely turning me off with their thinking that I'm incapable of handling their tough self once we're in a relationship. If anything, the toughness, the arguments and passion, were what drew me in to begin with and kept me interested. They're shooting themselves in the foot this way, oh well.

That's sucky he even had a fiancee and still dragged it out like that with you and worse yet is that he didn't have sound reasons for why he was with her. If he felt like he was being kicked in the stomach that's probably because he knew for leading you on, he pretty much deserved that much justice for kicking you in the heart.
 

elfinchilde

a white iris
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
1,465
MBTI Type
type
:( Pink. Sad to say, it's a common experience. What i've learnt: it simply means that he wasn't thinking of his fiancee/gf/wife/whatever, or you. But only of himself: enjoy the fire on one side, the well-behaved 'wifey' on the other. It's complete self-centredness, really. However he may justify it.

four words only: ain't worth it, man. :hug:
 

redacted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 28, 2007
Messages
4,223
:huh:

I dunno bout you folks, but I'm just lonely and would like someone to share my life with. There is no great romantic quest or seeking inner fulfillment involved here. I just want a friend to talk to and a warm body to snuggle up to at night.

And I really, really, really hate dating as a means of getting there. Dating is not natural for me, so I inherently have to pretend I'm someone I'm not in order to meet someone. It just doesn't make sense to me. And the whole process is weird and uncomfortable.

So I'm wondering. What do you INFJs do to make dating bearable?

i agree, dating sucks. i honestly don't think i've ever really 'dated' -- it does seem way too unnatural. on the other hand, if you are interested in someone, you have to figure out a way to hang out with them more...not necessarily going to movies and such, but something. but you don't have to pretend you're someone you're not. just act natural and hang out; see where it goes.

with my last GF, we basically just started hanging out all the time. our first kiss was completely natural -- you know when you just meet eyes and it's obvious? yeah, that's how it was. anyways, we were hanging out like all day everyday for a couple of weeks, and i finally said, "so...let's be boyfriend and girlfriend". she was a tiny bit resistant at first (since she'd never had a meaningful relationship before), but the next day decided she was down.

anyway, nothing really changed once we put the label on it. the connection was intensely strong right from the start. it just felt completely comfortable and right for both of us, and both of us knew the other felt the same way.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Ugh... I've been in the same spot a few times in the past year. The guy gets so drawn to my ability to challenge him and next thing you know they decide to go with some Bebe-wearing bimbo because her demands in love are simpler to deal with (Buy me this, that, call me every night, let me tease you endlessly, let's not talk about politics/philosophy/religion etc).

Sweet John Brown's body... WHY does this sound so @$*%ing familiar?

They always look like they're going to their doom too, like they're being nagged, like they can't stand the shrill demands of the "ball and chain", and yet they STAY WITH THEM. What. The Heck. Is THAT.

Safety first?
Securing insecure masculinity?
The right to complain because your gf is a shrew?!

Grow a set!

His best friend collared me one day as I was leaving the garage and said, "Hey. She wears the pants. Know what I mean?"

Like that makes it all better or something. Ok. If I was a pushy vapid bitch, I might get somewhere? NIiiiiiice.

What I want in a relationship goes well beyond the material and even for the most intellectual dude that's too much "drama" because they're not used to a girl being confrontational and direct. I've had problems lately with guys who were previously tough and non-coddling to me going all mushy and annoying, completely turning me off with their thinking that I'm incapable of handling their tough self once we're in a relationship. If anything, the toughness, the arguments and passion, were what drew me in to begin with and kept me interested. They're shooting themselves in the foot this way, oh well.

My best friend is a female ENTJ and she reports similar problems. I can't begin to grasp how difficult it must be for a Te primary female to find a man who's their intellectual equal, same force of nature AND is a good guy. She tends to attract jackasses who just want to subdue her and it disgusts me.

That's sucky he even had a fiancee and still dragged it out like that with you and worse yet is that he didn't have sound reasons for why he was with her. If he felt like he was being kicked in the stomach that's probably because he knew for leading you on, he pretty much deserved that much justice for kicking you in the heart.

I felt like an idiot. I really did. I'm usually so careful and good at keeping myself in check, and I thought he was on the level. We couldn't avoid being around each other (work situation) and even when I did try to avoid him, he'd lose his mind when I was away (the physical contact would ramp up when he couldn't get to me), and our co-workers made it worse because they wanted the two of us together and talked about it all the time. It was brutalizing. And of course, when I figured out he was taken, I couldn't disengage my feelings, so it was pretty messy.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
:( Pink. Sad to say, it's a common experience. What i've learnt: it simply means that he wasn't thinking of his fiancee/gf/wife/whatever, or you. But only of himself: enjoy the fire on one side, the well-behaved 'wifey' on the other. It's complete self-centredness, really. However he may justify it.

four words only: ain't worth it, man. :hug:


Agreed. It isn't worth it at all. :(
 

nozflubber

DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
Joined
Mar 30, 2008
Messages
2,078
MBTI Type
Hype
Just say "fuck it" and write dating off completely. Then read or watch fight club about 10 times to clear your head of the nonsense this fucking world puts in your mind. You are not a happy little flower and you won't magically turn into one with a mate, you will be as miserable as you are now. That's life, welcome to the party pal!

Losing all hope is freedom
 

Oso Mocoso

New member
Joined
May 15, 2007
Messages
187
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Just say "fuck it" and write dating off completely. Then read or watch fight club about 10 times to clear your head of the nonsense this fucking world puts in your mind. You are not a happy little flower and you won't magically turn into one with a mate, you will be as miserable as you are now. That's life, welcome to the party pal!

Ack. I want to totally disagree with this advice. Just pick yourself up, brush the dust off, and metaphorically get back on your horse. You're going to have to date some people you find out are jerks once you really get to know them before you meet someone you can really love and respect. The part that will hurt even more is if you find someone you love and respect, and they tell YOU that they think you're a jerk. That one stings. May that never happen to you.

Anyway, good luck. I think I ended up dating about eight people long term before I found a woman I thought worth spending my life with. Since then it hasn't all been easy going, but so far it seems to be working out for us.
 

redacted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 28, 2007
Messages
4,223
high rates of failure correlate with high rates of success.

if you fail, it means you try.

failure isn't so bad... just keep putting yourself out there and see what happens. you're not gonna get anywhere if you don't try.
 

Kiddo

Furry Critter with Claws
Joined
Sep 25, 2007
Messages
2,790
MBTI Type
OMNi
Just say "fuck it" and write dating off completely. Then read or watch fight club about 10 times to clear your head of the nonsense this fucking world puts in your mind. You are not a happy little flower and you won't magically turn into one with a mate, you will be as miserable as you are now. That's life, welcome to the party pal!

But...I'm not miserable. I'm actually happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I'm just occasionally lonely because I don't have anyone to share it with.

Losing all hope is freedom

I see it the other way around. As long as you have hope, you are always free to dream. Sappy, I know, but what do you expect from an anime otaku?
 

Kiddo

Furry Critter with Claws
Joined
Sep 25, 2007
Messages
2,790
MBTI Type
OMNi
Anyway, good luck. I think I ended up dating about eight people long term before I found a woman I thought worth spending my life with. Since then it hasn't all been easy going, but so far it seems to be working out for us.

I have dated a grand total of 3 people. I guess I'll come find you and bitch about it once I am up to 8. :D
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
I didn't really date. Both relationships I've been in just sort of happened without formal dating. I think maybe for an NF, it can work to put yourself into a community of some kind that people who share your values/passions gravitate to. Through the course of being around a lot of like-minded people, you have more opportunity to develop a relationship that can grow into something more intimate and lasting. It's much more natural and organic than traditional, formal dating.

I find I'm picky in some ways, but the casual observer might not notice it because my standards are not much related to the physical or material. I couldn't tolerate someone who wanted to dominate me, someone who wasn't as smart or smarter than me, someone who was dishonest, someone who couldn't enjoy sarcasm and cynicism, someone promiscuous, etc.

I don't like every last thing about my husband, but fundamentally, he meets my criteria. The other stuff, I try to find ways of compromise or I remind myself that I'm not always exactly Miss Easy To Live With myself. :smile:
 

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Kiddo, I can relate to nearly everything you have written here. I empathize, and dating is a process that I rather hate as well. It feels awkward to me too, and contrived, and I don't feel I can really be myself, because I get caught up in longterm visions and am unable to just exist in the moment, which is what one needs to do to a certain extent when dating. I also find there's too much pressure, and perhaps it's the Fe, but I tend to 'know' on some level what the other person is looking for, and wanting, and that kind of inhibits me from truly being myself, because then I have a tendency to bend more to what I know they're wanting. I did that more often previously, but don't really do that anymore - but, it's certainly a tendency that's there.

I don't know what to say. If you're not feeling it, and the 'formal' dating process is something that just doesn't appeal to you and turns you off, then it is probably best to not go for it when you're in that state. I've tried to force myself to do it, but if my heart's not in it, then the whole process is even more stressful, and when uncomfortable, I can't really be who I really am, and my good qualities don't shine through.

I haven't formally dated for a good couple of years, and it's because I can't stomach the process.

But I also know it's a fine line -- it's a weight of priorities and desires -- and at some point the desire to meet someone will be stronger than anything else, so that desire will outweigh the uncomfortableness of the process itself. So maybe just cut yourself some slack, and when the desire is strong enough, you'll find a way and the annoyances of the process won't be nearly as big a deal, and you'll be able to ride through them. [meaning, there have been periods in my past where I HAVE been able to do the dating thing and it hasn't stressed me out, but mentally I was in a place where I was open and flexible enough for the process.]

Also, yeah, pickiness. I like to view it that I don't want to be with just anyone. I don't want to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. And I think the majority of people have such a strong drive to be with ANYone, regardless of ultimate happiness, longevity of the relationship, or compatibility, that they therefore aren't as particular. But for me, I do listen to my gut, and I don't want anything less than someone I truly love and connect with -- anything less simply wouldn't be worth it for me. Yes, I get very lonely at times, and ache for that connection, and it's rare when I do experience it, and the rarity of these connections can really get me down sometimes, but I do remain hopeful that eventually someone will come my way. But I totally agree that, even when you have only 3 or 4 root traits that you desire from your partner, it is still a rare thing indeed when you come across someone who meets all 3 or 4 -- or 20, as the case may be!! And even rarer when the other person feels the same way about you!!! Cue Venn Diagram: Intersection of mutual like is like 0.05% for me, I think!!! :) Ah, but I still have hope. :)

I don't know what else to say, but I do empathize, I definitely have similar thoughts and feelings about it, and it's just one of those things. There isn't a universal answer to it, but just approach all of it when you're ready. I don't think it should be a stressful thing, and if it is, then maybe it's not time yet.
 
Top