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  1. #61
    a white iris elfinchilde's Avatar
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    well, i like what cafe said about having standards, and ensuring that they're fundamentally met. Perhaps in the rush for love, people forget that they should have standards, hence the inevitable disappointments. Meet the fundamental criteria, the rest can be negotiated.

    So it's up to the ladies, really, to each decide their individual criteria. You don't fall before ascertaining his worth. There has to be boundaries, like what philo says.

    After all, if a man is the hunter and the woman, the prey, then, won't we say that it's the prey which sets the speed of the chase, and dictates whether or not she will be caught?

    think about it. It is what it is: there will always be insecure men out there, just as there will be insecure women. (i mean, hey, i live in an asian culture. i know all about insecure men who only want their women docile and domesticated. as many personal ads here ask for: "pretty, quiet, sweet, can cook, can clean, can take care of the house." )

    But rather than griping about it, or having bitter hangups, or taking it as a personal critique of oneself, why not just accept reality, and look for the rare man/woman who does fit one's fundamental criteria? and laugh while you're at it. Life's a wide place, romantic love's not the be all and end all. There's so much to see and do!

    and when the heart/body is taking over the brain, such that fundamental criteria is getting thrown aside, i will always remember the words of my principal in my convent school:


    Girls......CHECK THAT LIST BEFORE YOU FALL IN LOVE!!!


    You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
    They called me the hyacinth girl.
    Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
    Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
    Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
    Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
    Looking into the heart of light, the silence.

    --T.S Eliot, The Wasteland

  2. #62
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    INFJs and dating? lol.

    I don't think we were meant for dating at all. Just sex...yep...

  3. #63
    DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
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    "my convent school"

    Well that explains a lot!

  4. #64
    Senior Member Motor Jax's Avatar
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    i can pick 'em up and shoot 'em down, but dating is a bit more awkward

  5. #65

    Default Yes, these values are dying but...

    they aren't dead yet!!

    I never gave in to this society mindset and I married a wonderful man who shares the same values. What a miracle! It's because we were faithful and prayed and were patient, waiting to find each other. I was NEVER going to 'settle for less'. I would rather have not gotten married.



    Quote Originally Posted by elfinchilde View Post
    Haha, tennisFJ, not your list, but the latter comments resonate a lot with me, just flip it the other way around:

    what happened to men who can stay faithful, who don't sleep around and/or are just interested in girls only as 'meat'? And worser, that if one doesn't "put out", you're just seen as being a prude/anal/uptight etc.

    When in reality, really. Does the majority always mean right? The trouble with the modern definition of love is that it's only physical, and nothing more. And both men and women don't think anymore; but merely follow what's in.

    What happened to the olden times, when people understood that in a relationship, sure, it isn't easy, but one at least tries?

    That love isn't just about sex, but about mutual respect, and respect for oneself, too.

    sadly, these qualities just seem dead in the world today.

    edit: and haha. i used to spend a lot of time angsting why wasn't i like other girls, who can just put out so easily and get all the male attention. but then, i guess, there comes a time when one grows up, and grows into oneself. You learn more about who you are; who you want to be, and who and what you can accept and not. Because in the end, it is simple, really. If i were to put out, of course, it's so easy to get male attention, but would it be the kind of attention i want; would i ever be happy, knowing that i've compromised my own standards for 'love'? No. Because love should never have to require one to cripple oneself. On matters of style, it is possible to compromise, but on matters of principle, never.

    And any guy who wants me to be otherwise, can just go out of the window.

    Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, oil your brain, before it starts to rust...

  6. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by BookLady View Post
    they aren't dead yet!!

    I never gave in to this society mindset and I married a wonderful man who shares the same values. What a miracle! It's because we were faithful and prayed and were patient, waiting to find each other. I was NEVER going to 'settle for less'. I would rather have not gotten married.
    wish everything anyone prayed for came true, i guess you are lucky. If i were lucky id be living on the moon with a glass of lemon tea, silently considering if my hair needs to be cut. Possibility in a lawn chair, though no lawn becuase I'm on the moon.

  7. #67
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    I actually don't date. I don't like the whole idea. Involvements always began without dating. For whatever reason I don't actively seek a relationship. My intution tells me when I've come across someone incredible. (I have no list of traits beforehand.) Then I feel I have no choice but to be interested in the prospect.
    Last edited by karenk; 06-15-2008 at 11:43 AM.

  8. #68
    lurking.... Wyst's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dissonance View Post
    most of the time, i become hypercritical of the other person and notice why they don't fit my standards.

    it's really annoying because i'll think i like someone and have the idea of pursuing them, then i'll completely change my mind after putting in just a tiny bit of effort.

    blah
    i'm EXACTLY the same way.
    i've always dated long-distance. it sucks. i can only hope that a normal dating relationship would be easier.

  9. #69
    Senior Member wedekit's Avatar
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    I'm just one big paradox. I'm gay, but I don't like other gay people that much. I have no gay friends, mostly because I'm not into the gay scene at all. The thought of being in a relationship with a girly guy makes me shudder. I would just date a girl if that was what I wanted.

    Finding a gay guy that's not a total fag? Hard to do.

    Thus, I'm single.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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  10. #70
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    I never enjoyed dating. It always felt like an arbitrary ritual and performance. The few meaningful relationships I had evolved out of friendship and talking about interesting things.

    You can't always know with certainty if it's the "right" person and it tends to involve some level of risk. Being flawed is an important part of love. Love between two perfect people would be too easy - how could that mean much? For me intimacy is about holding each other's vulnerabilities with respect and filling one another's deep hungers.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

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