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  1. #51
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by elfinchilde View Post
    Pink. Sad to say, it's a common experience. What i've learnt: it simply means that he wasn't thinking of his fiancee/gf/wife/whatever, or you. But only of himself: enjoy the fire on one side, the well-behaved 'wifey' on the other. It's complete self-centredness, really. However he may justify it.

    four words only: ain't worth it, man.

    Agreed. It isn't worth it at all.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  2. #52
    DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
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    Just say "fuck it" and write dating off completely. Then read or watch fight club about 10 times to clear your head of the nonsense this fucking world puts in your mind. You are not a happy little flower and you won't magically turn into one with a mate, you will be as miserable as you are now. That's life, welcome to the party pal!

    Losing all hope is freedom

  3. #53
    Senior Member Oso Mocoso's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nozflubber View Post
    Just say "fuck it" and write dating off completely. Then read or watch fight club about 10 times to clear your head of the nonsense this fucking world puts in your mind. You are not a happy little flower and you won't magically turn into one with a mate, you will be as miserable as you are now. That's life, welcome to the party pal!
    Ack. I want to totally disagree with this advice. Just pick yourself up, brush the dust off, and metaphorically get back on your horse. You're going to have to date some people you find out are jerks once you really get to know them before you meet someone you can really love and respect. The part that will hurt even more is if you find someone you love and respect, and they tell YOU that they think you're a jerk. That one stings. May that never happen to you.

    Anyway, good luck. I think I ended up dating about eight people long term before I found a woman I thought worth spending my life with. Since then it hasn't all been easy going, but so far it seems to be working out for us.

  4. #54
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    high rates of failure correlate with high rates of success.

    if you fail, it means you try.

    failure isn't so bad... just keep putting yourself out there and see what happens. you're not gonna get anywhere if you don't try.

  5. #55
    Furry Critter with Claws Kiddo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nozflubber View Post
    Just say "fuck it" and write dating off completely. Then read or watch fight club about 10 times to clear your head of the nonsense this fucking world puts in your mind. You are not a happy little flower and you won't magically turn into one with a mate, you will be as miserable as you are now. That's life, welcome to the party pal!
    But...I'm not miserable. I'm actually happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I'm just occasionally lonely because I don't have anyone to share it with.

    Losing all hope is freedom
    I see it the other way around. As long as you have hope, you are always free to dream. Sappy, I know, but what do you expect from an anime otaku?
    Quote Originally Posted by Silently Honest View Post
    OMNi: Wisdom at the cost of Sanity.

  6. #56
    Furry Critter with Claws Kiddo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oso Mocoso View Post
    Anyway, good luck. I think I ended up dating about eight people long term before I found a woman I thought worth spending my life with. Since then it hasn't all been easy going, but so far it seems to be working out for us.
    I have dated a grand total of 3 people. I guess I'll come find you and bitch about it once I am up to 8.
    Quote Originally Posted by Silently Honest View Post
    OMNi: Wisdom at the cost of Sanity.

  7. #57
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I didn't really date. Both relationships I've been in just sort of happened without formal dating. I think maybe for an NF, it can work to put yourself into a community of some kind that people who share your values/passions gravitate to. Through the course of being around a lot of like-minded people, you have more opportunity to develop a relationship that can grow into something more intimate and lasting. It's much more natural and organic than traditional, formal dating.

    I find I'm picky in some ways, but the casual observer might not notice it because my standards are not much related to the physical or material. I couldn't tolerate someone who wanted to dominate me, someone who wasn't as smart or smarter than me, someone who was dishonest, someone who couldn't enjoy sarcasm and cynicism, someone promiscuous, etc.

    I don't like every last thing about my husband, but fundamentally, he meets my criteria. The other stuff, I try to find ways of compromise or I remind myself that I'm not always exactly Miss Easy To Live With myself.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  8. #58
    Content. Content? DigitalMethod's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    someone who wasn't as smart or smarter than me
    Heh.
    "The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful."
    - Albert Einstein

  9. #59
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DigitalMethod View Post
    Heh.
    They also need to type better than I do.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #60
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Kiddo, I can relate to nearly everything you have written here. I empathize, and dating is a process that I rather hate as well. It feels awkward to me too, and contrived, and I don't feel I can really be myself, because I get caught up in longterm visions and am unable to just exist in the moment, which is what one needs to do to a certain extent when dating. I also find there's too much pressure, and perhaps it's the Fe, but I tend to 'know' on some level what the other person is looking for, and wanting, and that kind of inhibits me from truly being myself, because then I have a tendency to bend more to what I know they're wanting. I did that more often previously, but don't really do that anymore - but, it's certainly a tendency that's there.

    I don't know what to say. If you're not feeling it, and the 'formal' dating process is something that just doesn't appeal to you and turns you off, then it is probably best to not go for it when you're in that state. I've tried to force myself to do it, but if my heart's not in it, then the whole process is even more stressful, and when uncomfortable, I can't really be who I really am, and my good qualities don't shine through.

    I haven't formally dated for a good couple of years, and it's because I can't stomach the process.

    But I also know it's a fine line -- it's a weight of priorities and desires -- and at some point the desire to meet someone will be stronger than anything else, so that desire will outweigh the uncomfortableness of the process itself. So maybe just cut yourself some slack, and when the desire is strong enough, you'll find a way and the annoyances of the process won't be nearly as big a deal, and you'll be able to ride through them. [meaning, there have been periods in my past where I HAVE been able to do the dating thing and it hasn't stressed me out, but mentally I was in a place where I was open and flexible enough for the process.]

    Also, yeah, pickiness. I like to view it that I don't want to be with just anyone. I don't want to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. And I think the majority of people have such a strong drive to be with ANYone, regardless of ultimate happiness, longevity of the relationship, or compatibility, that they therefore aren't as particular. But for me, I do listen to my gut, and I don't want anything less than someone I truly love and connect with -- anything less simply wouldn't be worth it for me. Yes, I get very lonely at times, and ache for that connection, and it's rare when I do experience it, and the rarity of these connections can really get me down sometimes, but I do remain hopeful that eventually someone will come my way. But I totally agree that, even when you have only 3 or 4 root traits that you desire from your partner, it is still a rare thing indeed when you come across someone who meets all 3 or 4 -- or 20, as the case may be!! And even rarer when the other person feels the same way about you!!! Cue Venn Diagram: Intersection of mutual like is like 0.05% for me, I think!!! :-) Ah, but I still have hope. :-)

    I don't know what else to say, but I do empathize, I definitely have similar thoughts and feelings about it, and it's just one of those things. There isn't a universal answer to it, but just approach all of it when you're ready. I don't think it should be a stressful thing, and if it is, then maybe it's not time yet.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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