[INFJ] The Sudden Insecurity Bump

[ladypinkington]

I call it the sudden insecurity bump- when you find a relationship or friendship with someone and you can be yourself and are confident around them and are really connected but then after a while- for no rhyme or reason you suddenly feel afraid of the person and become very insecure- it is a bump in that it only lasts for a certain amount of time and you get over it- but things are really scary and weird there for that duration of time.

I don't know why it happens really- maybe it has to do with my having moved so much during my life- it is like I don't know what to do with a person after a certain amount of time and I get a bit freaked out-my world gets turned upside down and I feel lost and unsure of everything but then I get over it as mysteriously as I got into it.

It is also as if- I find people I like because they accept who I am and then after a while I become afraid of losing them or start to care too much about what they think and I start becoming self-conscience more and more and because of this over caring of what they think I then become insecure and unsure of everything- then after I get over the bump I suddenly don't give a crap what they think- perhaps I come to terms with being able to handle it if they do abandon me or stop caring for me and can just be myself again and I feel confident again.

When I get into that bump- I need a lot of reassurance and I tend to avoid that person somewhat. I am afraid to reach out and talk to the person and just feel so insecure around them. I need people who can support me even during that bump - being able to give me the emotional maintenance that I so annoyingly need- and this maintenance might include not being offended if I withdraw and needing the other person to do the initiating for getting together and opening up discussion.

It is as if I lose all the things the person may have fallen in love with me for- for a short time- I was once confident in who I was and suddenly I don't know who I am and even worse I am putting eggshells in the other person's hands for myself to have to walk on and then after that I say what the hell are these eggshells doing here and sweep those eggshells away and am back to my old self again. Sometimes the people come to the opinion that the eggshells should stay- some let me sweep them away and even help me do so. The latter are obviously people I stay friends with.

I have found that I go through this bump with every friendship and relationship I have ever had. I have to chant to myself "Those who mind don't matter- those who matter don't mind."

I was wondering if anyone else could relate at all to what I have shared here.

 

[Thursday]

Its a self-destruction mechanism embedded in us all
the chance to be truly happy and loved is feared
it brings about the unknown and new
growth

getting over this bump is the uphill struggle
the rest is down hill

 

[cascadeco]

Hi -

I think I can relate to what you have said.

I don't know if it is just a human thing shared by all, or if it's simply more poignant for myself and maybe other INFJ's. But I do find it much easier to 'be myself' initially, and to really be able to connect with others at the start of a relationship.

It's only after a certain amount of time that I then become more insecure. Panicky isn't the right word, but I do become more fearful. I think it's the investment thing - that once I become more invested, and have shared certain amounts of myself and am still accepted even after what I have shared, I start thinking that *eventually* I'll say or do something that will be unwelcome to the other party, whereupon they will abandon me. It becomes more 'risky' as time goes on, simply because I HAVE invested myself in the other person and that investment is strong and meaningful - so I don't want to lose it. I think it is also heightened by the fact that I do feel I have many layers and sides to myself, and I figure at some point one of those sides is going to be repulsive to the other person. But again, I figure most people can relate to this to some degree, or have their personalized version of it.