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  1. #1
    Senior Member Ribonuke's Avatar
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    Default Physical Intimacy Issues?

    (Hey, I'm sorry I've been making so many threads lately; I hope I haven't been doing anything wrong by doing so ._.;; )

    Okay...so I'm an INFJ, and I've determined that--despite my purportedly lesbian inclinations--that I'm practically asexual. I've never been in a physical relationship with anyone before (mainly because I don't like "how it feels", as if I'm being invaded or something).

    However, I have this male friend (a fellow INFJ) who I can communicate with almost effortlessly and never get bored hanging around. I realized...I'm becoming emotionally attached to him, possibly 'that way'. I've flirted with him before and openly discussed the possibility of me entering a relationship with him (he's 17 and I'm 20, so I'm waiting until he turns 18 before I even TRY anything).

    Nevertheless...I just can't seem to produce a physical spark. It's like...I let him give me a footrub, but there was this nagging uncomfortable feeling in the back of my mind the entire time. The same nagging uncomfortable feeling happened when he put his arm around my neck when we were in a movie theatre, and it just felt...GROSS. That's the only way to describe it. (Since I've never had something like that with another woman before, I don't know if it's just the fact that I have a disinclination towards the male body, but I'm going to assume it's related to my asexuality).

    But it's just so weird...I FLIRT LIKE A MADWOMAN. Like...when speaking about my emotions, I am not NEARLY as uncomfortable, and don't feel violated at all.

    Could this be my Inferior Extraverted Sensing at play? If so, is there any way I can help improve this so that I can have a remotely maintainable relationship? (If not, it won't be the end of the world; I just want to know WHAT is causing this weird phenomenon??)

    EDIT: Oh, and I should probably mention that I'm diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 9 years old, so it's something I've been familiar with for over half my life; I actually fare very well socially, since I can empathize with others on a deeper level to make up for my apathy towards following minor social cues and popular trends. However, I was primarily diagnosed because I am very sensitive to certain noises/smells/textures, had trouble understanding rules in organized bureaucracy (i.e. school) when growing up, and am very easily made anxious when surrounded by too many stimuli (socializing and/or being in a noisy environment such as a party). Just saying...this might be a contributing factor to the physical side of things... ^^;;

  2. #2
    Senior Member Pseudo's Avatar
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    If your open to it you could always explain the situation to him and then work on the physical intimacy, finding what level of closeness of type of touch is right for you as a couple. I got the impression that you haven't had a physical experience with a woman? May the foreignness of a romantic touch is something you have to adjust to. Or maybe you actually are asexual. I would suggest experimenting after he turns 18. Nakes sure though tocommunicate With him so he knows what's going on.

  3. #3
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    You might not be attracted to him.

    I suspect that a lot of supposedly frigid women are just married to men they aren't attracted to, either because he was really kind and a good friend, OR because he had a lot of money, power and/or stability.

    You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone, but if you feel it's right for you to have a relationship with this person, just take it slow.

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    I also want to say this because that GROSS feeling you get when he even puts his arm around you is how I feel if a man I'm friends with and like as a person but am really not attracted to touches me, in any way.

    And I'm very comfortable with my sexuality and like sex.

  5. #5
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    Ribonuke, you seem very well adjusted considering your posts here and elsewhere, now that we know you have Aspberger's. Why are you scared of the physical feeling of contact? You've said you have little trouble expressing your feelings, but what about your feelings toward contact? Are you overwhelmed? There is a difference between the object and the sensation.

  6. #6
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Agreed. ^^ @ marm

    It makes me feel mad and uncomfortable and just really annoyed if someone were to touch me in a romantic sort of way and I don't feel that way about them.

    I even feel that way if someone I do like touches me but I'm upset with them for some reason.

    It just feels like a violation and it pisses me off.

    Maybe you're just not that into him. You are an infj which means you rarely like anyone right? Ha I'm just kidding marm just said something to that effect in some other thread.

    Maybe you are just very selective tho and you haven't met anyone that you're attracted to yet. It's not that uncommon. Maybe you need to get out more.
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    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Do you have a lot of issues with sex in general? If the thought of ANYONE touching your body, even phantom made-up people in your head.. the idea of sex, sexuality, intimate situations, etc.. You might need to speak with a sex counselor. Did you have a very sheltered upbringing?

    I had a very strict father.. I spent a few years of my adult life scared of being intimate, physical, kissing, holding hands, etc. with anyone at all.. I somehow felt like I would disappoint my father if I acted like a girl like that. Do you feel there is a source to your discomfort, or is it a more general sense of "I dont know what im doing so EVERYTHING feels uncomfortable and gross"?
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    Senior Member Ribonuke's Avatar
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    Whoooooa lots of replies! *shot*

    Okay, so instead of quoting every individual person, let me try to reply based upon the general consensus...

    I think it's a mixture of actual discomfort of the sensation, but even more-so the feeling of violation. He<<, I've even had relationships with my close online friends, and STILL felt a bit uncomfortable every time they would 'kiss' me and such.

    Maybe it's more the fact that I'm not comfortable when I'm not taking initiative? Does that make me a controlling hypocrite? ._.

  9. #9
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Once he's of age, could you ask your friend to let you touch him as you want, without him initiating, for a bit? I asked that of my boyfriend when I was first getting used to kissing - I wanted a turn to just have me exploring. It made me feel much more comfortable and not scared, even though I trusted him. It was just very confusing and a LOT of feeling at first. I'm easily overwhelmed by sensation and it really helped me to be able to control the level for a few minutes, even though I'm pretty submissive otherwise.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ribonuke
    I'm not comfortable when I'm not taking initiative
    Any particular reason you can think of for that? I don't think you're a controlling hypocrite, but maybe you do prefer sexual dominance.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Ribonuke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    Once he's of age, could you ask your friend to let you touch him as you want, without him initiating, for a bit? I asked that of my boyfriend when I was first getting used to kissing - I wanted a turn to just have me exploring. It made me feel much more comfortable and not scared, even though I trusted him. It was just very confusing and a LOT of feeling at first. I'm easily overwhelmed by sensation and it really helped me to be able to control the level for a few minutes, even though I'm pretty submissive otherwise.



    Any particular reason you can think of for that? I don't think you're a controlling hypocrite, but maybe you do prefer sexual dominance.
    Maybe... *gets images of a Dominatrix stuck in my head* AAAAH, NOT THAT!

    There are shades of that already, however, where I'll usually be the one to initiate weird games, where I'll poke him like the pillsbury dough boy and he'll make this weird noise, and we'll both laugh. xD;;

    I hope it doesn't have anything to do with my dissatisfaction towards usual courtship (where the male takes initiative)...

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