What needs to be done is her to realize why she has this emotional barrier and exactly what she's holding onto/afraid of.
I completely agree that laying out all the facts and then demanding an ENFP take the logical action based on these facts won’t work. I’ve made that mistake. It will only make her dig in more.
However, what you are describing isn’t an emotional change – having a realization and then making a decision to reach a better outcome is a process of logic. Logic can bring about an emotional change, but I think it’s unlikely to occur here.
If she makes this 'logical' decision, it will be like you say – at her own pace and will come about faster if you leave her to it. But it’s still a logical process concerning emotions and not an emotional process. What would be changing is her approach, not her feelings or values. Her ideal mate, ideal relationship with him/her and her desire to have them woul not change. What may happen is that she decides her ideals/standards are unrealistic* and that if she holds out for her ideal relationship then she’ll either be alone forever or have unfair expectations from anybody she is with. Even if she does accept this, that incomplete feeling – that feeling that there is something more possible will always be there. Being an ENFP, she’ll probably feel guilty about not being completely happy with her current mate too. She may feel she’s not being fair to them emotionally.
If she makes the 'logical' choice to lower her standards when selecting a mate, then she's only supressed her emotions not changed them.
*Even though the most likely scenario is that she decides that her standards are unrealistic, my opinion is that they probably aren’t and that she should keep looking.
Human Relationship Initiation Process Theory (google it, it’s real) states :
- Relationships usually take place across a person’s “field of availables.†This is people we come across in our day to day lives. Daily or near daily interaction. (It’s hard to form a connection with somebody you don’t see very often.)
- We are only attracted to people who meet our standards. Standards include such things as Physical attractiveness, intelligence, maturity, warmth, trustworthiness, economic status, and social status
- We only make overtures to people who we think won’t reject us.
- We often overestimate the likeliness that somebody will reject us when we are really attracted to them.
While the amount of acquaintances an ENFP has is likely to be much larger than say, an INTP – the actual pool of people we interact with on a daily basis is fairly small, even for an ENFP. I mean how many people do we talk to for more than five minutes every day of the week? Less than thirty? Less than ten? How many of them are the gender we are interested in? How many are single? How many of those would we like to date? How many of those would like to date us?
My point being, in a given month we may meet or bump into hundreds of people, and thus it feels like our pool of potential mates is rather large – but the pool of people we interact with long enough and frequently enough to form a connection with is actually super tiny.
I suspect that this is a common issue for ENFx actually. High standards from an idealized view of romance, combined with a high fear of rejection and compounded by misjudging the true size of the pool of available mates in their life makes it seem to them as if they are destined to be unhappy in love. "I meet so many people, but I'm unable to make that connection I'm looking for"
I would say then, that smacking them upside the head and telling them that their standards are just too darn high is a grave injustice to them and their soulmate. I think an ENFx's dream romance isn't unrealistic or impossible - it just seems that way.
The problem isn’t their high standards, but is instead their unfounded fear of rejection and limited exposure to possible mates. Therefore my advice would be; be bold, be forward, don’t give up, look under every rock even it takes until your fifty and shine on you crazy diamond.
