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Thread: Jealousy

  1. #11
    actinomycetes raindancing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    What is your definition of jealousy?
    Hmm good question
    I suppose I think of it as the fear of something valued being taken away, a perceived rivalry maybe...

    And actually I just remembered something else that might explain his reaction more. I had a conversation with that guy maybe a month or so before this incident, just chatting on facebook about philosophy. I mentioned it to my husband at the time, because I had been surprised this guy was interested in philosophy. I didn't think anything more of it... but maybe this combined with the comment brought up the reaction? I had shared some of my mind with this guy he didn't like, and then the guy sort of hit on me. Maybe the rivalry he perceived was more for the mind than any physical thing?
    “Can a man of perception respect himself at all?”
    ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

  2. #12
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raindancing View Post
    Hmm good question
    I suppose I think of it as the fear of something valued being taken away, a perceived rivalry maybe...

    And actually I just remembered something else that might explain his reaction more. I had a conversation with that guy maybe a month or so before this incident, just chatting on facebook about philosophy. I mentioned it to my husband at the time, because I had been surprised this guy was interested in philosophy. I didn't think anything more of it... but maybe this combined with the comment brought up the reaction? I had shared some of my mind with this guy he didn't like, and then the guy sort of hit on me. Maybe the rivalry he perceived was more for the mind than any physical thing?
    Maybe you shouldn't talk to him online. I get that you don't understand why your husband is jealous but, you know he doesn't like the guy. You know the guy has hit on you in the past. You share these things with your husband, which is fine but because you already know how he feels, the more you talk to the guy AND tell your husband about it, the more he will think WTF?? She knows I don't like this guy. It makes absolutely no difference if you don't think anything more about it or feel the conversations are meaningless.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  3. #13
    actinomycetes raindancing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    Maybe you shouldn't talk to him online. I get that you don't understand why your husband is jealous but, you know he doesn't like the guy. You know the guy has hit on you in the past. You share these things with your husband, which is fine but because you already know how he feels, the more you talk to the guy AND tell your husband about it, the more he will think WTF?? She knows I don't like this guy. It makes absolutely no difference if you don't think anything more about it or feel the conversations are meaningless.
    I talked to the guy once, before I realized how my husband felt. I haven't talked to him since, and don't plan on it. It's not an issue.
    “Can a man of perception respect himself at all?”
    ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

  4. #14
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    This is a perfect example of the negative side of websites like Facebook. You post a picture, guy sees you, probably drools over you a bit, makes comment, your boyfriend gets hurt/mad. Not to say that Facebook is an entirely bad thing, but this is definitely one aspect about it I don't like.

    I can't blame your boyfriend. Truth be told, I wouldn't like some guy openly checking out my girlfriend on FB either. Of course, context comes into play; I don't know the nature of the comment as I haven't seen it. But generally, I'd say it's kind of clueless of that guy to make any comment, unless your relationship status is hidden and he had no idea. Either way, I would prefer to know from a girl *in person* that she is available before I made any comments about her body. But that's just me.

    What was his comment if you don't mind me asking? Sorry if you posted it somewhere in this thread and I missed it.
    A hero is someone who does the right thing without expectation of reward, just because it's the right thing to do.

  5. #15
    actinomycetes raindancing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LotsOfHeart View Post
    This is a perfect example of the negative side of websites like Facebook. You post a picture, guy sees you, probably drools over you a bit, makes comment, your boyfriend gets hurt/mad. Not to say that Facebook is an entirely bad thing, but this is definitely one aspect about it I don't like.

    I can't blame your boyfriend. Truth be told, I wouldn't like some guy openly checking out my girlfriend on FB either. Of course, context comes into play; I don't know the nature of the comment as I haven't seen it. But generally, I'd say it's kind of clueless of that guy to make any comment, unless your relationship status is hidden and he had no idea. Either way, I would prefer to know from a girl *in person* that she is available before I made any comments about her body. But that's just me.

    What was his comment if you don't mind me asking? Sorry if you posted it somewhere in this thread and I missed it.
    I didn't post it. And I don't remember exactly what was said, the guy deleted the comment after my husband confronted him. But the pic was a head shot of my new hair color and i was looking at the camera from peering over top of a book. One of my friends had commented that she didn't notice the hair cause the book was in the way. The guy said something like he couldn't notice anything else with those stunning eyes. He certainly knew I was married.
    “Can a man of perception respect himself at all?”
    ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

  6. #16
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    In order for him to react that way, I think there would have to be a subconscious belief that you might respond positively to the attention from this person. That would explain the shame because in effect, he was doubting you, even though you've given him no reason to do so. That is how my mind would work.

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    Quote Originally Posted by raindancing View Post
    I didn't post it. And I don't remember exactly what was said, the guy deleted the comment after my husband confronted him. But the pic was a head shot of my new hair color and i was looking at the camera from peering over top of a book. One of my friends had commented that she didn't notice the hair cause the book was in the way. The guy said something like he couldn't notice anything else with those stunning eyes. He certainly knew I was married.
    Well, to me, that comment is entirely inappropriate to make to someone who is unavailable, let alone a married woman. I don't want to be in the role of that preachy person who says, "You should've done this." Honestly, it's hard to know how to react when someone posts a comment like that on the internet. In real life, if your husband was there, it's highly doubtful that a comment like that would be made at all, but if it were, he'd have to say something...

    Some of it may be that he felt like you'd respond positively to it, on a subconscious level, but also it's a matter of taking a stand. Maybe he thinks if he lets that guy get away with it, he'll just keep doing it, or maybe some other guys will too. I mean, if some girl you didn't like told your husband he had beautiful eyes, how would that make you feel? Maybe you wouldn't want to fight the person, but nobody likes that sort of thing. Just my two cents.
    A hero is someone who does the right thing without expectation of reward, just because it's the right thing to do.

  8. #18
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LotsOfHeart View Post
    Well, to me, that comment is entirely inappropriate to make to someone who is unavailable, let alone a married woman.
    It is inappropriate to tell an unavailable or married person their eyes are stunning? No...seriously - I'm asking because the truth of the matter is...I wouldn't hesitate myself to do something like this. If I saw a photo of someone...and I actually thought...for whatever reason their eyes looked stunning...I would tell them this...and no I wouldn't stop myself ahead of time to try and find out whether or not they were 'off-the-market'...because it wouldn't matter as I wouldn't be saying it as a means to communicate attraction. I'm sure that wouldn't even come into my mind. I would just be speaking the (my) truth...and 'giving credit where credits due'. Trying to brighten someone's day.

  9. #19
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    ...I wouldn't be saying it as a means to communicate attraction.
    I believe you, but there's some value in considering the effect your actions will have on others, and then eventually effect you again. Even though you don't mean to communicate attraction in something like that, the thing to realize is that a lot of other people (perhaps most people) would. No one can tell you what not to say--it's just that with certain social actions come social consequences, and you may find it easier to prepare for that, maybe by withholding comments like that until you've scouted the social environment first, or just withhold it altogether. Different people put different weight into the importance of this.

    Believe me, I know the feeling of, "I shouldn't have to! Why should I? Just because society dictates it?" It's pretty irritating.
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  10. #20
    actinomycetes raindancing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LotsOfHeart View Post
    Some of it may be that he felt like you'd respond positively to it, on a subconscious level, but also it's a matter of taking a stand. Maybe he thinks if he lets that guy get away with it, he'll just keep doing it, or maybe some other guys will too. I mean, if some girl you didn't like told your husband he had beautiful eyes, how would that make you feel? Maybe you wouldn't want to fight the person, but nobody likes that sort of thing. Just my two cents.
    Yea there may be something to that, like what @Not_Me said. Which is a bit upsetting/sad.
    If the situations were reversed it wouldn't bother me.
    For a direct comparison, he does have fantastically beautiful eyes, complete with eye lashes I would kill for --and he absolutely hates them. If some girl told him how beautiful they were, I would probably dissolve laughing.

    There have been a few occasions where a girl has said something about his attractiveness (and not his eyes lol), or tried to hit on him. It's never made me remotely jealous. I guess I don't have the slightest doubt about him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    It is inappropriate to tell an unavailable or married person their eyes are stunning? No...seriously - I'm asking because the truth of the matter is...I wouldn't hesitate myself to do something like this. If I saw a photo of someone...and I actually thought...for whatever reason their eyes looked stunning...I would tell them this...and no I wouldn't stop myself ahead of time to try and find out whether or not they were 'off-the-market'...because it wouldn't matter as I wouldn't be saying it as a means to communicate attraction. I'm sure that wouldn't even come into my mind. I would just be speaking the (my) truth...and 'giving credit where credits due'. Trying to brighten someone's day.
    This was kind of where my husband and I conflicted. When I read the comment, that's exactly how I thought of it.
    And I do the same thing you said, if I think it then often I'll say it, just cause I know they'd probably like to hear it. It'd make them happy, why not?
    Saying that, I do try to censor what I say to men... in case I give the wrong impression. But I really hate it.


    As a side note, the whole thing made me feel kind of warm and fuzzy (which I found mildly disturbing). It was overt evidence that he valued me. Not that I didn't know, but some weird part of me liked the idea that he would fight for me.
    Now let's all go watch animal planet.
    “Can a man of perception respect himself at all?”
    ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

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