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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    By the way, it may also be worth noting that it takes me a long time to completely get over unpleasant situations, and I am also prone to delayed reactions. I think that because I thought I was helping her, I pushed down a lot of my normal reactions - I mean, I would get angry and lecture her and so on (I really yelled at her on a number of occasions), but I guess I didn't see how massively violating her behaviour tended to be. It started to seem "normal" from her, though on some levels I always realised it was totally abnormal. I sort of thought that if I hung in there long enough I could really help her, but now I'm pretty sure the only really helpful thing I did was push her into therapy.

    Anyway, I have a feeling that although the situation is considerably alleviated (I mean, all she can really do now is imitate my blog), I'm sort of having a delayed reaction to a bunch of stuff that happened a while ago now. If I notice something which really doesn't affect me much, like a slavishly imitating blog post that she's done, it reminds me of all this crap I put up with and I feel angry/sick.
    It can be scary and little hanging encounters can trigger old feelings. Sometimes there are feelings of guilt or whatever, as well, that can play into it. Sometimes whenever this sort of thing pops up, I try to focus in on my own feelings and try to let go of the past and focus on the concreteness of the present. I really sympathize with what you're going through. Dealing with conflict and negative feelings is so challenging.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Yes, I am pretty sure you're right about idolizing me. It is clear that she views me/my friends as having some sort of perfect, wonderful life (she told me so in almost those words) and since she has these BPD sort of tendencies, she tries to take on my personality and escape her personal hell by trying to obtain my "wonderful, perfect" life. The person she imitated/stalked before also seemed very together and happy (I'm fairly together and happy, but I seem more so than I actually am, haha!). But a bit of hero worship is one thing, creepy stalkerishness is another.
    A lot of times we project the lives we want onto other people. The more detached someone is from themselves or the lower their self-esteem the more they may want to be someone else. Easier to try to chase someone who seems to embody what we need than to develop this in themselves. I don't know if I've expressed that well. There is a lot of projection and mirroring in relationships, is all I am saying.

  3. #23
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Circle View Post
    It can be scary and little hanging encounters can trigger old feelings. Sometimes there are feelings of guilt or whatever, as well, that can play into it. Sometimes whenever this sort of thing pops up, I try to focus in on my own feelings and try to let go of the past and focus on the concreteness of the present. I really sympathize with what you're going through. Dealing with conflict and negative feelings is so challenging.
    Thanks! Your comments so far have been both interesting and helpful...
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  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Thanks! Your comments so far have been both interesting and helpful...
    Thanks for sharing. I feel like I misunderstood you at first so I hope it didn't come off the wrong way. I always want to go back and edit my posts because on reflection they sound so clumsy and impersonal. But, I definitely relate.

  5. #25
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Your experience is interesting. Although I wish she would have distanced herself of her own accord... I had managed to push her away a bit and gain some distance, but not nearly enough. Trying to find a balance with this person proved impossible, hence I had to cut the ties brutally (telling her the friendship was over, FB blocking etc.) I think that those with BPD or tendencies can be very interesting and creative people, which this girl shows signs of being. I know for sure they're very sensitive. Unfortunatley it is all messed up...
    If it was up to me, I actually would have wanted to stay in touch, I could easily relativate her obsession and never saw it as a threat myself, but I can totally understand many other people would.

    It's pretty sad, because you would want to help her, but you're not in a situation where you can truely help her. That feeling of being completely helpless is probably what causes your frustrations and negative emotions. I suppose being a thinker allowed me to accept the fact I could only try my best to help/guide her or just be there for her, but always knew I should never have any expectancies about it.

    Anyhow, the person I talked about always had better and worse days. Some days she was talking about hope and friendship coming across as deeply emotional, otherdays she was talking about horrificly shocking subjects almost in complete apathy. But that tandem of emotions always intruigued me.
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  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    If it was up to me, I actually would have wanted to stay in touch, I could easily relativate her obsession and never saw it as a threat myself, but I can totally understand many other people would.
    Perceiving dominant types are probably more comfortable letting things go on in a half-way state. Unresolved and un-final. Judging dominant types like to conclude situations and are likely to form more clear definitions between people. There's something to be said for making a decision to one side or another. I feel better if matters are concluded. It lends clarity.

  7. #27
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    I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this.

    My thought, as an NF and N dom, is to distance yourself absolutely as much as possible. Don't check out anything of hers online - in fact, maybe avoid facebook for a while - try to avoid her entirely at church, etc. Not in a hiding sort of way, but in the way that your mind-connections will begin diminishing. If there are things that remind you of her, try to make new connections for those things with other feelings and experiences. Let your mind fade her out. Then eventually you will be able to think of her emotionally much in the same way as you can think of an ex, with a sort of neutral distance, and less stirring of emotion despite an awareness of strong emotion in the past.

  8. #28
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    I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this.

    My thought, as an NF and N dom, is to distance yourself absolutely as much as possible. Don't check out anything of hers online - in fact, maybe avoid facebook for a while - try to avoid her entirely at church, etc. Not in a hiding sort of way, but in the way that your mind-connections will begin diminishing. If there are things that remind you of her, try to make new connections for those things with other feelings and experiences. If you do encounter her, try to immediately think of other things and dampen your emotional response. Let your mind loosen ties to her and fade her out. Then eventually you will be able to think of her emotionally much in the same way as you can think of an ex, with a sort of neutral distance, and less stirring of emotion despite an awareness of strong emotion in the past.

  9. #29
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  10. #30
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Yeah, I suppose it's only right to admit that I have a few stalkerish tendencies myself, if that wasn't already obvious
    I can understand feeling the need to keep an eye on these things because she’s a potential threat. I know a lot of times when I get the feedback to ‘stop paying attention’ because it’s causing undue grief, it’s hard to explain that I’d rather keep an eye on the potential threat and have an ongoing ‘risk assessment’ going on in my head than be surprised by something further down the road. I’ll realize the “threat” may be no greater than this person spreading stories or spinning some weird delusion to friends….but I can’t stand emo surprises and would prefer to know the moment it starts. (I think people who aren't as thrown off their game by surprises like this don't understand the need to keep one eye the status this person's craziness, but I don’t really consider that stalkerish.)


    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Anyway, I have a feeling that although the situation is considerably alleviated (I mean, all she can really do now is imitate my blog), I'm sort of having a delayed reaction to a bunch of stuff that happened a while ago now. If I notice something which really doesn't affect me much, like a slavishly imitating blog post that she's done, it reminds me of all this crap I put up with and I feel angry/sick.
    Gah, I hate the delayed emo reactions! I get them too. [edit:] I’ll be understanding at first, but once I catch on to something being a consistent problem (and especially if the other person takes no responsibility for the grief it causes or amount of energy it sucks out of me)- then the weight of all the prior offenses catches up to me and I feel it with every new incident.

    It sounds like you’ve done every possible sort of ‘reasoning’ with this person, and she doesn’t respond to any of it- and I know that a lot of times I can get sucked into thinking “well maybe this is simple and straightforward enough that the person will be open to hearing it”- but no matter how sane your words are, it’s all just *attention* to her and if you give her ANY *attention* it’ll just encourage her to keep throwing her craziness at you. I think you already know this, I’m just throwing it out as a reminder. As long as she doesn’t pose any physical threat, no matter how blatantly annoying or passive-aggressively antagonistic she gets, she WILL get sick of doing it eventually if it doesn’t get her the slightest bit of attention. It’s truly stunning how people like that become absolute masters at figuring out what to say or do to make others lash out or feel the need to say something in return/defend themselves- but it’ll pass eventually if there’s no return on her efforts.
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