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  1. #11
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Circle View Post
    Oh, wow. That is not okay at all. I would find this very threatening.
    Yeah. It was. And I failed to find the right balance in terms of wanting to help a screwed-up kid, and putting up with totally intolerable behaviour. I felt sorry for her because her parents either don't give a damn, or are not able to show that they do. I definitely did learn some lessons about having much firmer boundaries, as I don't think historically I've had very strong boundaries. I am glad to have learned that it is perfectly fine not only to say no, but to not have to give any reason for it.

    THe weird thing about her is that sometimes she was incredibly lucid and would say that she realised her behaviour was unacceptable and she was sorry and would try to change. But I eventually realised that it was far better to not trust a word she said. I think the constant "I'm trying, I'm going to change" was just a manipulative way of trying to keep me in her life. (By the way, she engaged in very similar behaviours with a woman before me, who moved away with her husband - she didn't move away because of this situation, but it may have been a contributing factor!)
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  2. #12
    Senior Member Circle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    EDIT: I certainly don't want to do anything any more that involves paying her any attention at all. That would be a really bad move. She is a black hole of wanting attention, even if it's totally negative. It would be a real mistake to sit down and have a conversation or act like I'm in any way interested in what's going on with her.
    Yup. Given the context, that seems like a really good idea. It sounds dangerous to engage her.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Circle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    THe weird thing about her is that sometimes she was incredibly lucid and would say that she realised her behaviour was unacceptable and she was sorry and would try to change. But I eventually realised that it was far better to not trust a word she said. I think the constant "I'm trying, I'm going to change" was just a manipulative way of trying to keep me in her life. (By the way, she engaged in very similar behaviours with a woman before me, who moved away with her husband - she didn't move away because of this situation, but it may have been a contributing factor!)
    It's awesome that you recognized that as manipulation. Even if people are sorry for the behavior and apologetic, I've trained myself to just focus on how it makes me feel and if I don't feel comfortable having a relationship, that's what I listen to. A lot of times in bad relationships we can be manipulated into choosing the feelings of another over our own feelings. That's really dangerous.

  4. #14
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    She sounds mentally ill, as you suggest in the opening post.

    There isn't much one can do in this case you aren't already doing.

  5. #15
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  6. #16
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Circle View Post
    It's awesome that you recognized that as manipulation. Even if people are sorry for the behavior and apologetic, I've trained myself to just focus on how it makes me feel and if I don't feel comfortable having a relationship, that's what I listen to. A lot of times in bad relationships we can be manipulated into choosing the feelings of another over our own feelings. That's really dangerous.
    I think eventually you realise that the only safe thing to do is to recognise it as manipulation. I have a tendency to believe what people say but it is wise to realise that many people will manipulate to the point of lying to get what they want. You're also right about the danger of choosing others' feelings over your own. I do suspect I have slightly (though I think only slightly - this was an unusual type of situation for me to get into) co-dependent tendencies. I do want to feel approved by others and liked by them and will sometimes give too much in an attempt to get that. I really learned a lot from this situation. Fortunately the vast majority of my friends have been very healthy and supportive people.
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  7. #17
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Trying to escape her own situation, she probably idolizes you. Tries to learn from you. Without having the proper social skillset to moderate her obsession about you.

    I was once in a similar situation, someone that was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but who had a strikingly beautifully creative intellect. I enjoyed talking to this person a lot. I was also being idolized and obsessed about, it lasted for about 2 years in total. Although I always deliberatly kept a little bit of distance between us, I too saw myself as that persons mentor of sorts. Unfortunately, some events caused that person to retreat even farther away. I think she started to feel overwhelmed and as a result cut ties with me herself.

    Anyway I think she needs professional help. Someone who can stay on her neutral side.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I think eventually you realise that the only safe thing to do is to recognise it as manipulation. I have a tendency to believe what people say but it is wise to realise that many people will manipulate to the point of lying to get what they want. You're also right about the danger of choosing others' feelings over your own. I do suspect I have slightly (though I think only slightly - this was an unusual type of situation for me to get into) co-dependent tendencies. I do want to feel approved by others and liked by them and will sometimes give too much in an attempt to get that. I really learned a lot from this situation. Fortunately the vast majority of my friends have been very healthy and supportive people.
    The best manipulators probably don't even realize they're doing it. It can be based on some very primitive and fundamental emotional need that they fail to recognize. That's part of what makes it so complicated. In a sense, they don't even know they're manipulating. To me that's why you have to let go of what other people feel, believe, think, and do and focus on how you feel being in relationship with them. If you feel bad being in a relationship / friendship with them, that is sufficient reason to let go of them. You don't have to figure out why.

  9. #19
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    By the way, it may also be worth noting that it takes me a long time to completely get over unpleasant situations, and I am also prone to delayed reactions. I think that because I thought I was helping her, I pushed down a lot of my normal reactions - I mean, I would get angry and lecture her and so on (I really yelled at her on a number of occasions), but I guess I didn't see how massively violating her behaviour tended to be. It started to seem "normal" from her, though on some levels I always realised it was totally abnormal. I sort of thought that if I hung in there long enough I could really help her, but now I'm pretty sure the only really helpful thing I did was push her into therapy.

    Anyway, I have a feeling that although the situation is considerably alleviated (I mean, all she can really do now is imitate my blog), I'm sort of having a delayed reaction to a bunch of stuff that happened a while ago now. If I notice something which really doesn't affect me much, like a slavishly imitating blog post that she's done, it reminds me of all this crap I put up with and I feel angry/sick.
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  10. #20
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    Trying to escape her own situation, she probably idolizes you. Tries to learn from you. Without having the proper social skillset to moderate her obsession about you.

    I was once in a similar situation, someone that was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but who had a strikingly beautifully creative intellect. I enjoyed talking to this person a lot. I was also being idolized and obsessed about, it lasted for about 2 years in total. Although I always deliberatly kept a little bit of distance between us, I too saw myself as that persons mentor of sorts. Unfortunately, some events caused that person to retreat even farther away. I think she started to feel overwhelmed and as a result cut ties with me herself.

    Anyway I think she needs professional help. Someone who can stay on her neutral side.
    Yes, I am pretty sure you're right about idolizing me. It is clear that she views me/my friends as having some sort of perfect, wonderful life (she told me so in almost those words) and since she has these BPD sort of tendencies, she tries to take on my personality and escape her personal hell by trying to obtain my "wonderful, perfect" life. The person she imitated/stalked before also seemed very together and happy (I'm fairly together and happy, but I seem more so than I actually am, haha!). But a bit of hero worship is one thing, creepy stalkerishness is another.

    Your experience is interesting. Although I wish she would have distanced herself of her own accord... I had managed to push her away a bit and gain some distance, but not nearly enough. Trying to find a balance with this person proved impossible, hence I had to cut the ties brutally (telling her the friendship was over, FB blocking etc.) I think that those with BPD or tendencies can be very interesting and creative people, which this girl shows signs of being. I know for sure they're very sensitive. Unfortunatley it is all messed up...
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