User Tag List

Results 1 to 8 of 8

  1. #1

    Default How do ENFJ's overcome anxiety

    I'm an ENFP in a relationship with an ENFJ for 5 years now and she has a lot of anxiety which manifests itself in anger towards me / at me constantly and i try to help her in many different ways (like following orders, kissing her ass) but it's a never ending cycle of her not being content / happy / pleased or relaxed- she seems to always be stressed out regardless. What can I do to help my ENFJ relax and cope with her anxiety / feelings.

    I would appreciate any comments or advice from other ENFJs or anyone that's been close with an ENFJ .... Thanx!

  2. #2
    Dali
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MerleRayneBo View Post
    ... ENFJ... a lot of anxiety which manifests itself in anger towards me / at me constantly and i try to help her in many different ways (like following orders, kissing her ass)... never ending cycle of her not being content / happy / pleased or relaxed- she seems to always be stressed out regardless.
    I know exactly what you mean. I alternated between just doing what my ENFJ told me to do and kissing ass or asserting myself in a very ETJ manner (shadow coming out?). Oddly enough, they seemed to calm down and get a lot more civil almost immediately when I did the latter, but sometimes I ended up paying for it later. Also, sometimes, I'd just go silent and look at them quietly as they went off. This was most effective. Prolly not very healthy though.

    Sorry, I have no solutions. All I'm saying is.. I feel your pain.

  3. #3
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    8w9
    Posts
    9,747

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MerleRayneBo View Post
    I'm an ENFP in a relationship with an ENFJ for 5 years now and she has a lot of anxiety which manifests itself in anger towards me / at me constantly and i try to help her in many different ways (like following orders, kissing her ass) but it's a never ending cycle of her not being content / happy / pleased or relaxed- she seems to always be stressed out regardless. What can I do to help my ENFJ relax and cope with her anxiety / feelings.

    I would appreciate any comments or advice from other ENFJs or anyone that's been close with an ENFJ .... Thanx!
    There is a huge difference between helping a person and enabling a person. YOU are not going to be able to do anything to help her relax and cope. SHE has to find her own tools to do so and btw, there are people who live for making the people around them miserable. They feed off upheaval. Stop the ass kissing, stop following orders and start seriously looking at why you are in this relationship and PLEASE don't tell me it's because you love her/you have kids/you don't know. ENFJ's have that uncanny ability to manipulate and will use whatever works best, if you allow it. Stop allowing it.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  4. #4
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    27

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    There is a huge difference between helping a person and enabling a person. YOU are not going to be able to do anything to help her relax and cope. SHE has to find her own tools to do so and btw, there are people who live for making the people around them miserable. They feed off upheaval. Stop the ass kissing, stop following orders and start seriously looking at why you are in this relationship and PLEASE don't tell me it's because you love her/you have kids/you don't know. ENFJ's have that uncanny ability to manipulate and will use whatever works best, if you allow it. Stop allowing it.
    That's a bit harsh but I mostly agree. OP I understand you want to help her but the truth is that you can't. Maybe the best solution is to leave her alone and give her some space to think about how she acts around you and how that affects you. Maybe then she'll change her ways and start feeling little better.

    If you're concerned it's something serious, advise her to get some professional help. Who knows what is really bothering her.

    I HAD an ENFJ friend. We rarely see each other nowdays. I wanted to help her like you but today she is just the same. She seems to secretly enjoy it and all the attention she gets from others through it. She went to a shrink for years without progress. I'm not saying your gf is like this, just sharing my experince like you asked. Good luck with everything and take care.

  5. #5
    RDF
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MerleRayneBo View Post
    I'm an ENFP in a relationship with an ENFJ for 5 years now and she has a lot of anxiety which manifests itself in anger towards me / at me constantly and i try to help her in many different ways (like following orders, kissing her ass) but it's a never ending cycle of her not being content / happy / pleased or relaxed- she seems to always be stressed out regardless. What can I do to help my ENFJ relax and cope with her anxiety / feelings.

    I would appreciate any comments or advice from other ENFJs or anyone that's been close with an ENFJ .... Thanx!
    I like to frame personal differences in terms of competing agendas and give my “agenda” speech. See this post for an example: http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=1#post1863321

    But the agenda approach often doesn’t work with a spouse or long-time partner. The proximity is too close. If you adopt an attitude toward a spouse, they just punish you later or chip away at you over time. Proximity allows them to do that.

    So I pretty much agree with the advice that Ceecee gave you, above. The way you’re handling it now, it’s just going to get worse. So sooner or later you have to sit her down and tell her she’s got to deal with it herself and quit tormenting you with it or you’re going to leave her. And then follow through.

    Quote Originally Posted by MerleRayneBo View Post
    [...] anger towards me / at me constantly [...]
    I know you ENFPs like to save people from themselves, but as a rule it’s not good to try to change people. Sooner or later they get tired of “not being good enough,” and they turn on you and take out their frustration out on you personally...

    Anyway, good luck with that.

  6. #6
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Enneagram
    2
    Posts
    10

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MerleRayneBo View Post
    I'm an ENFP in a relationship with an ENFJ for 5 years now and she has a lot of anxiety which manifests itself in anger towards me / at me constantly and i try to help her in many different ways (like following orders, kissing her ass) but it's a never ending cycle of her not being content / happy / pleased or relaxed- she seems to always be stressed out regardless. What can I do to help my ENFJ relax and cope with her anxiety / feelings.

    I would appreciate any comments or advice from other ENFJs or anyone that's been close with an ENFJ .... Thanx!


    Ummmm... this is going to sound so bizaare... but is that you, Ben?

    This sounds like it may be straight from my husband's mouth. He's an ENFP. I'm an ENFJ. We have this EXACT SAME PROBLEM. and we've been together 5 years. ?????

  7. #7
    i love skylights's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 so/sx
    Socionics
    EII Ne
    Posts
    7,835

    Default

    Dumb answer: Have you asked her what the most helpful thing you can do for her when she's stressed out is?

    My ENFJ best friend seems to benefit from distraction when she's really stressed out. We both enjoy drowning ourselves in distracting sensory experiences - good food, dancing, swimming, driving fast, yoga, working out, running, etc - when we're under high anxiety.

    Agreed with what @ceecee said about not allowing yourself to be manipulated. You can offer your help so far as it does not hurt you but after that let her be on her own. It'll be better for her own self-development to have to deal with it in a healthy way instead of taking it out on you.

    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    I know you ENFPs like to save people from themselves, but as a rule it’s not good to try to change people. Sooner or later they get tired of “not being good enough,” and they turn on you and take out their frustration out on you personally...
    The curse of Ne dominance is always being able to see another way. It's a hard lesson that everyone else doesn't always want to try it.

  8. #8
    Senior Member gretch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Posts
    111

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MerleRayneBo View Post
    I'm an ENFP in a relationship with an ENFJ for 5 years now and she has a lot of anxiety which manifests itself in anger towards me / at me constantly and i try to help her in many different ways (like following orders, kissing her ass) but it's a never ending cycle of her not being content / happy / pleased or relaxed- she seems to always be stressed out regardless. What can I do to help my ENFJ relax and cope with her anxiety / feelings.

    I would appreciate any comments or advice from other ENFJs or anyone that's been close with an ENFJ .... Thanx!

    Hm. Well. In psychology, the best way to deal with anxiety is a behavioral approach, usually with immersion therapy. It's the approach they also take with people who are OCD.

    There isn't much to go on in your post, so I'll do my best to give what I have to offer. I am an ENFP, but I also have anxiety/panic disorder and a huge obsession with psychological theory.

    I think you need to know first and foremost that this isn't about you if it's true anxiety. You may know that already, but it should be said. As an ENFP, if you are anything like me, there is a long way you will go to try and make sure there is peace and romance in your romantic relationship. It's very important to your well-being. If you're like me.

    All of that aside, it has nothing to do with you if it is a real anxiety disorder, thus you cannot do anything to fix it and the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting results".


    If she has a true anxiety disorder:
    The thing about anxiety disorders is that they are, in point of fact a true mental illness. I have a mental illness (even beyond the agoraphobia), and have worked extensively with mentally ill people in many ways so I think it's fair for me to say that the thing about the mentally ill is that when they are in their states, they don't understand that they are ill, or they do, but there is nothing she can do about it. She is not herself, and it needs to be taken care of and dealt with. I am of the opinion that mental illness should always be treated with medication. It's always hard to find the right one, but when you do, it will change your life. I recommend, personally getting on an anti-depressant type with anti anxiety properties or something that is meant to prevent the attacks or anxiety before it arises instead of using "anti-anxiety" meds when you are already in a panic attack. I take wellbutrin. I had constant anxiety for a decade and since I've been on it, I have not had any physiological symptoms, or panic attacks. However I can still get nervous about normal things.

    Moral of the story, most recurring mental illness is often biochemical in many ways. However, it also sounds like your wife might need something cognitive behavioral wise to understand her control issues, and that you might need to learn about co-dependence a little. If you have netflix, I highly recommend the videos by Jef Gazley: Codependancy, BOundaries.... I'm not sure if they are still available to watch instantly it's been about 6 years, but do some research nonetheless.


    Her discontentment is not your fault. It is your responsibility for your happiness and hers for her own. You cannot make her happy, nothing can but her. I really really recommend some type of medication. It change my life, and I was very resistant to it for many years.
    A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought. There is visible labour and there is invisible labour.
    .
    -Victor Hugo

Similar Threads

  1. [NF] how do enfjs manipulate people?
    By chado in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: 06-26-2016, 12:48 AM
  2. [ENFJ] How do ENFJs act when they don't like you, but still want to be polite?
    By Lily flower in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 07-15-2011, 12:16 AM
  3. [ENFJ] How do ENFJ's deal with being dissapointed?
    By ldesign in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 23
    Last Post: 02-15-2011, 03:09 PM
  4. [ENFJ] how do I fix it:(? (esp for ENFJ + INFP, but any reply welcome!)
    By bearette in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 08-02-2009, 07:10 PM
  5. [ENFJ] How do you know if ENFJs want to be friends?
    By EmilyINFP in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 03-23-2009, 10:50 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO