I'm an ENFP in a relationship with an ENFJ for 5 years now and she has a lot of anxiety which manifests itself in anger towards me / at me constantly and i try to help her in many different ways (like following orders, kissing her ass) but it's a never ending cycle of her not being content / happy / pleased or relaxed- she seems to always be stressed out regardless. What can I do to help my ENFJ relax and cope with her anxiety / feelings.
I would appreciate any comments or advice from other ENFJs or anyone that's been close with an ENFJ .... Thanx!
Hm. Well. In psychology, the best way to deal with anxiety is a behavioral approach, usually with immersion therapy. It's the approach they also take with people who are OCD.
There isn't much to go on in your post, so I'll do my best to give what I have to offer. I am an ENFP, but I also have anxiety/panic disorder and a huge obsession with psychological theory.
I think you need to know first and foremost that this isn't about you if it's true anxiety. You may know that already, but it should be said. As an ENFP, if you are anything like me, there is a long way you will go to try and make sure there is peace and romance in your romantic relationship. It's very important to your well-being.
If you're like me.
All of that aside, it has nothing to do with you if it is a real anxiety disorder, thus you cannot do anything to fix it and the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting results".
If she has a true anxiety disorder:
The thing about anxiety disorders is that they are, in point of fact a true mental illness. I have a mental illness (even beyond the agoraphobia), and have worked extensively with mentally ill people in many ways so I think it's fair for me to say that the thing about the mentally ill is that when they are in their states, they don't understand that they are ill, or they do, but there is nothing she can do about it. She is not herself, and it needs to be taken care of and dealt with. I am of the opinion that mental illness should always be treated with medication. It's always hard to find the right one, but when you do, it will change your life. I recommend, personally getting on an anti-depressant type with anti anxiety properties or something that is meant to prevent the attacks or anxiety before it arises instead of using "anti-anxiety" meds when you are already in a panic attack. I take wellbutrin. I had constant anxiety for a decade and since I've been on it, I have not had any physiological symptoms, or panic attacks. However I can still get nervous about normal things.
Moral of the story, most recurring mental illness is often biochemical in many ways. However, it also sounds like your wife might need something cognitive behavioral wise to understand her control issues, and that you might need to learn about co-dependence a little. If you have netflix, I highly recommend the videos by Jef Gazley: Codependancy, BOundaries.... I'm not sure if they are still available to watch instantly it's been about 6 years, but do some research nonetheless.
Her discontentment is not your fault. It is your responsibility for your happiness and hers for her own. You cannot make her happy, nothing can but her. I really really recommend some type of medication. It change my life, and I was very resistant to it for many years.
