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  1. #11
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thegrayvapour View Post
    Sooo.. a mutual friend has been hinting that she knows something is going on between me and the ENFJ. I mentioned that I was planning to talk to her soon and our friend told me not to. She said she didn't think I would get the answer I am hoping for: whatever that means. She said the ENFJ is overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do about it/ doesn't like to say no, etc. I completely understand this, of course.

    So my new question is: what would an ENFJ appreciate in this situation? Would most want me to talk to them and clear the air without obligating them to say how they feel or should I just gently pull back a bit and respectfully give it some space; allowing it to be a great friendship?
    I agree with what Saturned said. I think with an ENFJ the best thing to do would be to pull-back (in spite of the fact I too appreciate a direct approach). The only thing that concerns me though is...can this mutual friend be trusted? I mean not that she is being deceitful (edit - although she may be. I have had that happen to me before)...not in that way...but can her interpretation of the situation be trusted? I don't base any of my decisions...especially in these instances...on a 3rd party. I need all the information to come from the source. And so? I understand that this friend is saying not to say anything...but that wouldn't be good enough for me. I would still say something lol. Then I would back-off.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    I agree with what Saturned said. I think with an ENFJ the best thing to do would be to pull-back (in spite of the fact I too appreciate a direct approach). The only thing that concerns me though is...can this mutual friend be trusted? I mean not that she is being deceitful (edit - although she may be. I have had that happen to me before)...not in that way...but can her interpretation of the situation be trusted? I don't base any of my decisions...especially in these instances...on a 3rd party. I need all the information to come from the source. And so? I understand that this friend is saying not to say anything...but that wouldn't be good enough for me. I would still say something lol. Then I would back-off.
    Excellent points my dear Starry.

    There must be a happy medium that can satisfy the need to be direct without forcing her Fe to feel guilty.

  3. #13
    Junior Member thegrayvapour's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    I am sorry to hear this. It sounded quite promising to me as well.

    I think if you pull back a bit, that that should do the trick. They are pretty sensitive to the nuances of people.

    This is just my INFP advice though . Go by your gut... I, myself, always prefer being direct because that is what I enjoy most... but it is definitely not what everyone wants.
    It did seem like it was going well. I think she's just second-guessing herself. As I've aged, I've become more comfortable with talking about these things. I was thinking I'd just do a bit of both: talking and stepping back.

    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    I agree with what Saturned said. I think with an ENFJ the best thing to do would be to pull-back (in spite of the fact I too appreciate a direct approach). The only thing that concerns me though is...can this mutual friend be trusted? I mean not that she is being deceitful (edit - although she may be. I have had that happen to me before)...not in that way...but can her interpretation of the situation be trusted? I don't base any of my decisions...especially in these instances...on a 3rd party. I need all the information to come from the source. And so? I understand that this friend is saying not to say anything...but that wouldn't be good enough for me. I would still say something lol. Then I would back-off.
    I think I can trust this one. I've had people screw me over that way in the past, for sure. Usually a mutual friend who is mildly interested in me as well. I don't think that is what is happening now.

    So, I'm going to tell her what I've been feeling and describe to her what I think is going on. I just want her to know that I want to keep spending time with her, regardless.

  4. #14
    yap yap yap xenaprincess's Avatar
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    that's nice. I hope it works out!!

    You said she's only been out of the relationship a few weeks. It might just be too soon? maybe she needs to get to an emotionally neutral headspace to be able to evaluate? to make sure she's not re-bounding?

    if the chemistry is good, it'll remain that way. But it's tough. With some guy friends I knew it would just stay a friendship, even though they were absolutely fantastic guys. It certainly takes two to tango.

  5. #15
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I've heard 'round these parts that when an ENFJ wants you, then you KNOW because they make sure you do. I've had some flirty friendships with ENFJs also just to discover they are that way with EVERYONE. When you spend a lot of time alone, then it's hard to note this. You need to see how she is with others to see if there's a distinction between how she treats you & them. But then, I tend to doubt my interpretations of others in romance also.... I'm afraid my interest will cloud my judgment too.
    This. When an ENFJ likes you it is obvious. Maybe more graceful obvious as I mature. I hate uncomfortable conversations like telling someone who I have to see all the time I don't want to date them. Just don't get emotional and emote negative or hurt feelings afterward if things don't turn out the way you want. I would mini-door slam that to keep it from making my life negative and guilt ridden. Basically control your self and take care of your self and be mature in the process please or you will get distanced imo, especially since she is dealing with her own breakup her tank is already at a full level for dealing with this stuff.
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  6. #16
    Junior Member thegrayvapour's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    ...The only thing that concerns me though is...can this mutual friend be trusted? I mean not that she is being deceitful (edit - although she may be. I have had that happen to me before)...not in that way...but can her interpretation of the situation be trusted? I don't base any of my decisions...especially in these instances...on a 3rd party. I need all the information to come from the source. And so? I understand that this friend is saying not to say anything...but that wouldn't be good enough for me. I would still say something lol. Then I would back-off.
    Mutual friend brought it back up again yesterday. She was offering all sorts of unsolicited advice and "insight" which seemed a little off, because I have offered next to nothing, only, "I think I'm should to talk to (ENFJ)." I told mutual friend that I wasn't sure how to take her advice because it seemed ill-informed. I was questioning internally whether I should view it as indirect communication from ENFJ or whether there was another reason why mutual friend had an opinion about the situation at all. Mutual friend, who will from now on be referred to as "MF" (haha) became way more emotional than the conversation needed (in my humble Fe opinion) and proceeded to tell me that ENFJ isn't good with handling conflicts in relationships and by talking to her, I would be making things worse. Does that sound like an ENFJ to any of you? The thing is, I've seen this particular ENFJ handle intense conflicts in relationships with poise and grace and optimism. I wasn't buying it and I told her.

    Then I called my mom to vent.

    Mom says, "Maybe "MF" still has feelings for you?"

    O.O

    I had completely forgotten that at one point "MF" developed a crush on me. Sooooo... I'm a more than a little frustrated. @Starry was right. Mom too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Neutralpov View Post
    This. When an ENFJ likes you it is obvious. Maybe more graceful obvious as I mature. I hate uncomfortable conversations like telling someone who I have to see all the time I don't want to date them. Just don't get emotional and emote negative or hurt feelings afterward if things don't turn out the way you want. I would mini-door slam that to keep it from making my life negative and guilt ridden. Basically control your self and take care of your self and be mature in the process please or you will get distanced imo, especially since she is dealing with her own breakup her tank is already at a full level for dealing with this stuff.
    I totally believe this. I think it is obvious, I just second guess my ability to interpret obvious signs. I don't trust that I see them clearly. I am suspicious of my tendency to see things the way I want to see them.

    She responds positively when I tell her she is beautiful.
    We spend time together alone. (Dinner, movies, hiking, walking shopping)
    She remembers things that I like, and goes out of her way to share them.
    She openly tells me about things she doesn't share with her other friends.
    (I've noticed she withholds information from other people that she has previously shared with me)
    She talks about negative feelings she has about other people with me.
    She referred to me as "love" yesterday. (Oops?)

    Am I looking for something more obvious? I don't think she would flat out tell me, as she has mentioned a few times her fear of rejection.

    She hasn't been the one to initiate contact for the last week.
    She has stopped hugging me.
    She hasn't been her warm, bubbly self.
    We haven't had dinner together in a week. (Now that seems silly.)

    I could interpret this two ways: she doesn't return my unstated feelings (haha) and doesn't want to lead me on, or she likes me and is worried about it - isn't ready for it; doesn't know how I feel for sure.

    Either way, I won't know until I talk to her. I just have to do it. There is no reason why I would emote negative or hurt feelings. She's rad and I like her. I don't feel like there are mixed signals from ENFJ at all. If I read it wrong, I read it wrong. I take full responsibility for the amount of dopamine and serotonin pumping through my little brain. I might be wrong, but won't she feel LESS pressure if I tell her about my feelings without obligating her to return them?

    I love love. Even when it doesn't work.
    Last edited by thegrayvapour; 06-08-2012 at 02:46 AM. Reason: spelling

  7. #17
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thegrayvapour View Post
    I had completely forgotten that at one point "MF" developed a crush on me. Sooooo... I'm a more than a little frustrated. @Starry was right.
    Normally, I would take pride in having been right...but I can't say that I feel this way in this instance. I actually have some anxiousness in the pit of my stomach as I'm concerned with regards to what this mutual 'friend' is saying about you, etc. to your ENFJ. I feel you need to act quickly now. I feel like you must speak to your ENFJ as soon as possible.

  8. #18
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thegrayvapour View Post
    I had completely forgotten that at one point "MF" developed a crush on me. Sooooo... I'm a more than a little frustrated. Starry was right. Mom too.
    Agree with Starry - even if MF is genuinely trying to be helpful, she's making things worse. The longer you wait, the worse she'll make things between you and the ENFJ.

    I totally believe this. I think it is obvious, I just second guess my ability to interpret obvious signs. I don't trust that I see them clearly. I am suspicious of my tendency to see things the way I want to see them.

    She responds positively when I tell her she is beautiful.
    We spend time together alone. (Dinner, movies, hiking, walking shopping)
    She remembers things that I like, and goes out of her way to share them.
    She openly tells me about things she doesn't share with her other friends.
    (I've noticed she withholds information from other people that she has previously shared with me)
    She talks about negative feelings she has about other people with me.
    She referred to me as "love" yesterday. (Oops?)

    Am I looking for something more obvious? I don't think she would flat out tell me, as she has mentioned a few times her fear of rejection.
    Yeah, more obvious than that. All of those things are "friendly", although a couple of those things suggest she's comfortable around you and thinks of you as a good friend. Still, when OrangeAppled and Neutralpov said that when an ENFJ likes you it's obvious, what they really mean is that it's OBVIOUS. Think more like flirtatious behavior that's borderline scandalous (assuming she thinks you can handle it), or on the other side of the spectrum, them simply finding a way to talk about it directly sooner rather than later.

  9. #19
    Junior Member thegrayvapour's Avatar
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    What about asking me, "Isn't there an older man who is looking for a younger, yet stable girlfriend?"

    And she isn't into me, will I fuck things up by saying something or by not saying anything?

    Sorry for the language. I'm four beers deep.

  10. #20
    Junior Member thegrayvapour's Avatar
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    oh my god.

    I'm in the friendzone.

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