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  1. #1
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    Default How do you encourage an INFJ, or, How do you know if an INFJ has lost interest in you

    Well I told myself I wouldn't do this but I am freaking out inside so here I go:

    How do you encourage an INFJ, specifically a male INFJ, in a potential romantic relationship? What is a good way to let him know that you have not friend-zoned him that isn't coming on too strong?

    I went on a date with a male INFJ 2 and a half weeks ago, which was 2 days before I flew back to my hometown for the summer (we go to school together and I am out of my state.) He told me he had fun and we have kept in contact but not in amazing contact or anything, and sometimes he has just not responded to stuff. The stuff wasn't anything really really significant, but it was still stuff I expected a response to. I am worried that maybe the date changed his mind about me. I don't know the details about his previous dating experiences but apparently he has been on dates before where he was not yet completely sold on the girl, so I should probably assume that the fact that he asked me on a date at all is not fool-proof evidence that he is crazy about me, like it is with some INFJs. In the past he has really seemed to like me a lot though, although he can be sort of hot and cold. What would make an INFJ change his mind about someone? How can you tell if he has? Does there have to be perfect chemistry on the first date, even if you have also had really good chemistry in the past? INFJs, if you changed your mind about someone because of a date would you try harder to let them down easy or would you try to make it clear to the person that you changed your mind?

    I can give you guys more details if you want them but this is basically what I want to know

  2. #2
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    First, I don't know about dude INFJs.

    My experience for the most part has been...your suggestion has to align with their values and their thoughts. Doesn't usually happen with precision. They are so complex. If you lose their respect, it can be a real chore.

    They have like an inductive core that's like a highly complex lock and it only works if their feelings, intuition about something, and thoughts and values coincide. They might go along with something if only partially in agreement, but that could only be because they are also inclined, some of the time, to go with what everybody else is doing, and will go along begrudgingly. And at that it might be say 50% of the time.

    Suggestion would be the INFJ consult their operator's manual.

    And I'm sorry but it's just that hard. But you're asking about wanting them to want you? I have no idea. That's, I would imagine so much more complex and subjective there's no telling.
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  3. #3
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    okay I'm sorry, I really want to understand how this answers my question but I don't. Can you maybe go into more detail?

  4. #4
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    I probably wouldn't fully understand your dilemma enough to offer any actionable help.

    That is something God himself would know.
    I don't bat in that league.

    I'm sorry you hurt. It's the heart, you know.

    Edit: I've been there and I sympathize.
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  5. #5
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    Aaa okay I think I understand you a little better now. Thanks.

    Maybe a better question would be: would an INFJ lose interest in a person for a reason other than the person violating their trust or offending their values? Because I don't think I've done that. What I'm specifically afraid of I guess is having underwhelmed him.

    Also INFJs, if you were in a situation like this, where the person was temporarily (as in for several months) leaving the area right after the first date, how would you behave towards the person, assuming you still liked them the same? Would you try pretty hard to keep in close touch or would you just let things flow naturally and expect things to pick up where they left off once the person got back?

  6. #6
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spring View Post
    Aaa okay I think I understand you a little better now. Thanks.

    Maybe a better question would be: would an INFJ lose interest in a person for a reason other than the person violating their trust or offending their values? Because I don't think I've done that. What I'm specifically afraid of I guess is having underwhelmed him.
    Sometimes it happens if idealized hope doesn't materialize. Then an INFJ like me can grow dissatisfied and start looking for something greater, while simultaneously feeling hemmed in by taking other's feelings into consideration. That is when I can start feeling alienation from self and start disassociating (in the broadest sense, i.e. no longer feeling whole. Not necessarily doorslamming.)

    Also INFJs, if you were in a situation like this, where the person was temporarily (as in for several months) leaving the area right after the first date, how would you behave towards the person, assuming you still liked them the same? Would you try pretty hard to keep in close touch or would you just let things flow naturally and expect things to pick up where they left off once the person got back?
    So, does keeping in close touch mean as writing messages or otherwise trying to transmit some piece of your heart to them, or does it mean vying for attention and reassurance that you are still in their heart, or maybe both? I'm more likely to do the former, but the messages may be unsent. I'm more likely to desire the latter, but never let them know. I'm reluctant to force my presence on anyone. Thats likely wrapped up in my own personal issues of worth. So, put in your scenario, I am more inclined to feel it out when they return and hope there is still something alive and blooming. My way is not the right way, nor advisable nor applicable. I'm only positing it here since you asked.
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  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spring View Post
    Maybe a better question would be: would an INFJ lose interest in a person for a reason other than the person violating their trust or offending their values? Because I don't think I've done that. What I'm specifically afraid of I guess is having underwhelmed him.
    Sure. In fact, back when I was dating a lot more, I'd say things very rarely ended because of a loss of trust or my 'values'/feelings being offended. For myself, if I ever reached a realization that we were on very different life paths, that we viewed the relationship differently from one another, that we somehow weren't aligned with the same goals/desires out of life and out of the relationship, I'd let it go / end it.

    Also INFJs, if you were in a situation like this, where the person was temporarily (as in for several months) leaving the area right after the first date, how would you behave towards the person, assuming you still liked them the same? Would you try pretty hard to keep in close touch or would you just let things flow naturally and expect things to pick up where they left off once the person got back?
    I know that you're on pins and needles and are really caught up in wondering what he's thinking/ where you two are at (I've been there!), but, I think it might be helpful to try to keep things in context. After just one date, prior to you going away for a summer break, there isn't a huge amount to build things off of; he may be thinking, therefore, that it may be best to just wait until you come back, and then take things from there. So as to your question, I'd probably lean towards the latter - at least at this point in my life - because I'm not sure I'd want to try to build upon the former in a long-distance way; I'm not terribly keen on long-distance things... unless of course I already have a really strong foundation with the person and we're super solid.

    Anyway - I hope my words weren't too harsh.
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    Oh man, okay. It's kind of hard for me to understand how you could like someone but really be okay with not talking to them for 4 months but I guess I can see that.

    Nope, not too harsh.

    Is there any way to get back on the INFJ's radar once they have taken you off of it? I feel like a lot of the potential reasons why I could've been taken off would be due to what was actually miscommunication...

    Would it be too intrusive to be asked directly where a person stands with you, if for whatever reason you haven't already overtly indicated it to them? Would you dislike it if you weren't asked in person?

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    I see this post is dated back a year, but maybe for current readers with similar concerns, it is worthwhile to mention...

    An anxious INFJ would be reaching out a lot but trying to micromanage that urge for fear of rejection...codependent type communication.

    If you haven't heard from an INFJ male in this sort of situation, likely means he is trying to live in the moment, INFJs have to work pretty hard at that. Living in the now is not our strong suit. Follow his lead. Live in the moment. Know that if you & he are to end up pursuing things, it will happen organically. Be patient and respectful. Take a deep breath.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spring View Post
    Oh man, okay. It's kind of hard for me to understand how you could like someone but really be okay with not talking to them for 4 months but I guess I can see that.
    My best friend is like that. Yes, my best friend, she has told me I am her best friend. Yet we hardly talk, except a few times in the summer. This school year (starting in September), I texted her once in November, and we had a conversation and then she didn't reply. X-mas break, I asked her to get together and she texted me at the last minute begging for us to get together. I couldn't, it was too late. This spring break, I asked her if we could skype and she agreed, and then I texted her a couple days ago asking again, and she said yes but still has not set up a time. Always I worry that she doesn't like me anymore but the few times she does talk to me or hang out with me reassures me she does. She just has a totally different idea of how much contact friends should have than I do.

    Perhaps he's like that?
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