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Thread: Te + INFJ = !

  1. #61
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    I was in no way implying the bolded at all!
    Yah…that statement wasn’t directed towards you personally and perhaps I should have made that clear (?). That was directed towards the thread…and probably other threads I’ve encountered on this site that are dealing with some of the same notions. I think there is a misconception out there that ENFPs (especially) are able to remain more flexible with regards to their relationships merely because there is a 'lack of feeling'…and this I do not believe to be a true. I think what is actually occurring…is we are less likely to attach to a specific outcome or a desire for a particular story to unfold. < --- I mean…that’s basically all I can say about that. The feeling is definitely there…whether that is translated outwards in the absence of these attachments – well I’m getting the sense it doesn’t in some cases. And subsequently (in some cases) turns into the ‘lack of feeling’ theory. (edit...I should probably say again that none of this is directed towards you specifically).


    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I see what you mean with this and I think it's something I personally (and perhaps a lot of INFJs) are bad at doing. However, I've found that in some cases the way the storyline has unfolded has shown me a lot about what that person is really like. To the extent that I no longer wish to continue a friendship, even if I could get through the long painful process of working through my feelings. I don't think there's anything wrong with deciding you no longer want to be friends with someone who is a selfish user, or who leads others on for their own amusement. I am not saying that this is ALWAYS how such situations play out, of course. But where they do the idea of "working through" things and continuing a friendship may seem utterly pointless and bizarre.
    idk SilkRoad…I mean…I don’t think you and I are saying anything different…do you? I would never, ever encourage anyone to stay with anyone they didn’t want to stay with regardless of the reasons. And the other person doesn’t even need to be doing anything I would deem to be destructive or unhealthy in anyway. Heck…if you don’t like the color of someone shirt…I say ‘leave them’ if it is causing enough discomfort.

  2. #62
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Yah…that statement wasn’t directed towards you personally and perhaps I should have made that clear (?). That was directed towards the thread…and probably other threads I’ve encountered on this site that are dealing with some of the same notions. I think there is a misconception out there that ENFPs (especially) are able to remain more flexible with regards to their relationships merely because there is a 'lack of feeling'…and this I do not believe to be a true. I think what is actually occurring…is we are less likely to attach to a specific outcome or a desire for a particular story to unfold. < --- I mean…that’s basically all I can say about that. The feeling is definitely there…whether that is translated outwards in the absence of these attachments – well I’m getting the sense it doesn’t in some cases. And subsequently (in some cases) turns into the ‘lack of feeling’ theory. (edit...I should probably say again that none of this is directed towards you specifically).


    idk SilkRoad…I mean…I don’t think you and I are saying anything different…do you? I would never, ever encourage anyone to stay with anyone they didn’t want to stay with regardless of the reasons. And the other person doesn’t even need to be doing anything I would deem to be destructive or unhealthy in anyway. Heck…if you don’t like the color of someone shirt…I say ‘leave them’ if it is causing enough discomfort.
    No, I think we're more or less on the same page there. I genuinely wish I had a bit more wiggle room in this area, actually. I can be quite all or nothing/no going back when it comes to being able to revise the "storyline" (a really good illustration, I think) once lines are crossed regarding friendship/romance, certain behaviours, etc.

    I know that INFJs can take others by surprise in where they choose to be flexible or inflexible; in my case I'll be easy-going, compliant and almost passive over a lot of things, very forgiving, but eventually or with certain things, BAM. And sometimes it's partly my bad for not signalling to people when they'll hit the brick wall. (And partly their fault for doing things that are just not good or fair.) But it's a very complicated area for me. Actually, I've found that ENFPs can also do the very flexible/then you hit an unexpected brick wall thing. It just tends to be in different areas from the INFJ. Hard to explain. Maybe human beings generally are like that, not just ENFPs or INFJs.
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  3. #63
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    No, I think we're more or less on the same page there. I genuinely wish I had a bit more wiggle room in this area, actually. I can be quite all or nothing/no going back when it comes to being able to revise the "storyline" (a really good illustration, I think) once lines are crossed regarding friendship/romance, certain behaviours, etc.

    I know that INFJs can take others by surprise in where they choose to be flexible or inflexible; in my case I'll be easy-going, compliant and almost passive over a lot of things, very forgiving, but eventually or with certain things, BAM. And sometimes it's partly my bad for not signalling to people when they'll hit the brick wall. (And partly their fault for doing things that are just not good or fair.) But it's a very complicated area for me. Actually, I've found that ENFPs can also do the very flexible/then you hit an unexpected brick wall thing. It just tends to be in different areas from the INFJ. Hard to explain. Maybe human beings generally are like that, not just ENFPs or INFJs.
    Well...I am aware of actual people in my life that I don't think fully grasped how much I cared about them because I don't speak this 'attachment language'. And that makes me feel...sad/heartbroken. <--- Okay...I need to come back when I have more time because I don't even know if that statement is going to make sense in response to your post (I think you will understand what I'm getting at but maybe not other people haha!!!) And I want to hear more about this ENFP brickwall!!! I want one!!! No...I believe it is there but sometimes it's difficult to see your own 'stuff' you know? Yah...I'll return when I have more time.

  4. #64
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Well...I am aware of actual people in my life that I don't think fully grasped how much I cared about them because I don't speak this 'attachment language'. And that makes me feel...sad/heartbroken..
    If love could be displayed as smiley icons, beautiful pictures and abstract equations, flavors, smells and tastes, then they would understand how much I care.

  5. #65
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Well...I am aware of actual people in my life that I don't think fully grasped how much I cared about them because I don't speak this 'attachment language'. And that makes me feel...sad/heartbroken. <--- Okay...I need to come back when I have more time because I don't even know if that statement is going to make sense in response to your post (I think you will understand what I'm getting at but maybe not other people haha!!!) And I want to hear more about this ENFP brickwall!!! I want one!!! No...I believe it is there but sometimes it's difficult to see your own 'stuff' you know? Yah...I'll return when I have more time.
    ENFP brickwall - well, my impression is that it would be over things that compromise the Fi inner sense of self and to an Fe user it could look unexpected/inconsistent/out of the blue. I think INFJs may do things which look inconsistent/out of the blue because of allowing things to build up or trying to keep the peace for too long, or trying to restrain a tide of uncomfortable feelings and thus not being quite sure how they feel about a situation until it becomes overwhelming.

    This might be a superficial or irrelevant example, but my xNFP friend asked me to take down pics of herself in her bathing suit that I'd put up on FB from our holidays (there were also bathing suit pics of me and our other friends). Which of course I did, that wasn't a problem. She said a bit self-deprecatingly "oh you know, we're all such prudes in our family...". (I really don't care who sees a pic of me in my bathing suit. Especially if I look good, haha.) However - she is A LOT more likely to run away with/fall into bed with guys who she's just met and apparently fallen in love with. And I'm like...prude? Really? (Sorry, this probably makes me sound like a total bitch.)

    It's basically just, I have run into brick walls with her that seem irrelevant or almost contradictory with other things I know about her. (Likewise, I'll sometimes be astonished over how extremely judgmental she can seem about certain things and how extremely un-judgmental about others which might seem to warrant similar judgment.) But I think it's all part of a consistent inner moral vision that she has of herself, that she doesn't want to compromise. Does that make sense? I'm not sure it does

    With all this, it's entirely accurate to say that she's more forgiving than I am, though externally she tends to sound more judgmental (perhaps just because she vocalizes more in the moment). If she's been really close to someone she will almost never cut them entirely out of her life - or she will for a while but a month or a year later they'll get back in. When I finally cut someone out, that's probably it.

    And yeah. I think often people don't know how much the other cares because of different, as you put it, attachment languages. The rare times I have walked away from someone I have told myself (partly for self-preservation) that they cared very little or not at all. I feel like I have to - and their behaviour may certainly have tended to indicate that. But sometimes I have later received concrete proof that they did care. It's really strange. I think though that in certain scenarios if someone can't ever just tell me they're sorry for how things went down, that they didn't want to hurt me or lose me, even having a simple friendship just isn't going to work out.
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  6. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    If love could be displayed as smiley icons, beautiful pictures and abstract equations, flavors, smells and tastes, then they would understand how much I care.
    This post really put a smile on my face!!! Well...any opportunity to interact with the lovely Orobas puts a smile on my face...but I especially loved the sentiment here haha! I've recently watched a couple of episodes of SpongeBob...SpongeBob being most commonly typed as ENFP...and I laugh because I really think it is true (he expresses love in all the ways you list!!!). SpongeBob is always creating pictures and scrapbooks for his friends with titles like 'Friends Forever'...and like he creates a badge for a worm (?) that says 'Best Friend'...haha. And the rest of the characters on that show are like...wth? But I was thinking the other day...this kinda makes sense to me HA!


    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    This might be a superficial or irrelevant example, but my xNFP friend asked me to take down pics of herself in her bathing suit that I'd put up on FB from our holidays (there were also bathing suit pics of me and our other friends). Which of course I did, that wasn't a problem. She said a bit self-deprecatingly "oh you know, we're all such prudes in our family...". (I really don't care who sees a pic of me in my bathing suit. Especially if I look good, haha.) However - she is A LOT more likely to run away with/fall into bed with guys who she's just met and apparently fallen in love with. And I'm like...prude? Really? (Sorry, this probably makes me sound like a total bitch.)

    It's basically just, I have run into brick walls with her that seem irrelevant or almost contradictory with other things I know about her. (Likewise, I'll sometimes be astonished over how extremely judgmental she can seem about certain things and how extremely un-judgmental about others which might seem to warrant similar judgment.) But I think it's all part of a consistent inner moral vision that she has of herself, that she doesn't want to compromise. Does that make sense? I'm not sure it does
    ^^I was totally cracking-up at this story yesterday. I actually really appreciate you sharing it. And like I was saying...part of why I was laughing is because I'm imagining doing similiar behaviors in my life and my friends being left scratching their heads. If this is the friend of yours I'm thinking of...yah...I can't tell if she is ENFP or INFP. I'm kinda leaning INFP...but...I'm thinking the pattern of behavior you describe applies to both types and I can see how it would be confusing to an 'outsider'. Now I do know plenty of ENFPs...myself included...that will throw-out 'answers' or 'reasons for something' that are completely opposite to 'what is'...just to be funny or amusing. Like if I was in this situation I could see myself saying something like...'yah those pics need to come down. I just don't want other women feeling uncomfortable about their own bods when they see how absolutely amazing I look in my bikini' (when the real reason is that I think I look terrible). But I don't get the sense from your story that that is what she was doing...so I imagine this is just Ne 'spinning a story' so as to line-up with Fi values. Like she may actually believe she is a prude...and sleep with a variety of men...AND these two opposites not be in conflict in her mind if she also believes she is *absolutely in love* with these men when she sleeps with them...if that makes sense...(prudes only sleep with people they are in love with regardless of how many LOL). It's quite a tricky thing Ne>Fi or Fi>Ne. And yes...I do versions of the above as well. So interesting.

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