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Thread: Te + INFJ = !

  1. #41
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Yeah, no, I'm entirely with you on this.

  2. #42
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    But what about demanding that person still be your friend? Like "omgz u bad person for not sticking by my side although I decided to end the more romantic aspects of our relationship." That's not about their own guilt. That's like trying to transfer their own guilt on to the other person.

    Stuff like that. Or "you should be happy for me" if they start dating someone else. To me that's entirely narcissistic.

    In fact, typically if someone is THAT taken with me, and I cannot return their feelings, I actually want away from them, because I don't want that energy continuing to be directed at me. It makes me uncomfortable to spend a great deal of time with someone who I know is sitting there WANTING ME if I have zero feelings in return. It can even feel icky, like I can feel their vibes wanting more from me.

    It's better for everyone involved in a situation like that for people to take space from each other. And if you cannot do that, I seriously wonder if you're being honest when you say you have no feelings for that person you continue to maintain a closeness to...or if you're "using" them for your own ego, vanity, or what that friend does for you because they're in love with you (for example, doing you favors, or always being available at 3 AM if you need them).
    I totally agree with this! It's for his own good, really. If you continue to be friends, he will just hang around hoping that you will change your mind, and that's excruciating. I think it's better to say something along the line of "I greatly value our friendship and I would like to be friends, but I don't think it's a good idea to be around each other now, because only bitter feelings can come of it. This does not mean in any way that I don't care about you or that I think any less of you, but it's because I really, really value our friendship and want that to continue in the future once we have moved on."

    He might not take it well, though. I'm sorry for him. I know how it feels and it totally sucks. Don't say things just to be nice, though (like "I don't think we have a chance right now, but perhaps in the future..."), because then he might decide to wait. Stress on how great a person you think he is, but leave absolutely no opening for 'future possibilities'. He needs to know that it's not his fault and there's nothing he can do about it. Sometimes people just don't work out.

    At least that's how I'd like it if it's happening to me.
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  3. #43
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Riva View Post
    Ah the magical ability of ENFPs to attract unwanted attention and potential lovers.

    What is the secret I often wonder.
    I think we offer a form of intimacy to everyone and it's too tempting for some.

  4. #44
    violaine
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    Eh, I'm friends with an ex (or two). I know loads of peeps who are friends w their exes. Just cos it didn't work out romantically, doesn't mean my ex and I were entirely incompatible. TBH, I rather enjoyed the challenge of getting over my feelings. I also didn't think I should just throw someone on the scrap heap because it didn't turn out the way I wanted in that moment. But I think I'm good at not wanting someone who doesn't want what I want. I take notice of that as a fact that is set in stone and that I don't wish to change. I want the truth of the feeling and then I'll act accordingly. So I don't think it's out of the realms of the possible to keep a friendship. Has to be emotionally cut and dried though. So maybe later might be better for him. Sounds like it's been complicated enough... Esp if any kind of manipulation has entered the picture.

    It can also have strange ramifications - I was totally over my ex and he ended up wanting me back. Hah. That was weird. Gotta watch that. Now we are good, if infrequent, friends and we don't even talk about when we were dating. Def not been the case w all exes. I'm glad to sever the ties completely sometimes. And I don't mourn the loss of a possible friendship in those cases.

  5. #45
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    I realize that I'm a little mentally out-of-it today...but I've become a little confused about this thread. In fact, I kinda feel like I may have ended-up contradicting myself because of it...and while I don't necessarily think I'll be able to correct that (possible) error (if there even was one I don't even know) tonight...I'm just wondering where this 'expecting/forcing/guilt-tripping' or whatever...someone into staying with you after you refused them romantically came from. I'm hoping someone can set me straight. I totally didn't...and still don't get the sense that furrina is keeping this dude around as a 'play-toy'. I believe she truly cares for this person and is dealing with a challenging situation (and attempting to prepare herself for what may come - while hoping for the best). Or is all of this coming out of AGA's comment to senza? What is going on here?

  6. #46
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Sometimes, I think a person needs a hard blow to wake up from the land of one-way infatuation.

    To be honest, I think it'll be hard for your INFJ to take on your Te, but I think it's for the best and you'll just have to expect for the worst that he might cut you off entirely.

    I've always felt INFJ + ENFP's friendship can be quite genuine, as long as it's not involved romantically. Opposite do attract in the world of la la land, but not in reality.

  7. #47
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    @Starry

    I don't think anyone's trying to say the OP is trying to keep this guy around for her own amusement. But speaking from experience, I think it's way better to 'take some time apart' after you reject someone romantically than to keep on 'being friends and acting as nothing has happened'. In the long run, I think it makes it harder for the other person to move on if you're still hanging out with them, etc. (And of course when you start dating other people it will be like hell for your 'friend' who still has feelings for you)

    I think the point is, you might want to remain friends, but for the other person's own good, it might be better not to (at least for a while). I tried to 'remain friends' with someone I liked and that didn't do anything for me, and I wasted a lot of time 'waiting'. I was young and naive then. It would have been nicer, in retrospect, if the guy had just said "No, nothing can ever happen between us and I really like you as a person. But this is it. Move on. I will be very happy if you come back and be my friend in the future when you're ready".
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  8. #48
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    wow. what a controversial topic.

    agreed with @Starry: a man who can pull on his big boy pants is hot. a man who asks for things without disclosing "by the way, our friendship is soon to disappear if you don't reciprocate" is not. that's smells like a threat and a fairly sneaky one at that (why ask for something you claim to passionately want, without disclosing the conditions and quid pro quos at that time?) i can't imagine being with someone (pardon me) so weak he would permanently run away simply because his friend didn't love him back in precisely the way he wants her to. i, after all, never stopped caring for you as a friend. take your time, lick your wounds, and come back when you're ready. i won't expect a damn thing of you during your convalescence. but dumping your supposed very good friend permanently because she didn't see a future with you? after repeatedly explaining that she had doubts about compatibility and impact on the friendship? nothing blithe here, i was crystal clear about where i stood.

    and who has time for games, manipulation and boy toys? that's rather laughable. i respect people too much to do that.

    @cascadeco yeah, his heart is going to be broken but i do wonder how much of that was an imagined reality. i certainly had a role to play by saying i would "consider it" but who the hell knew the consequences of agreeing to that.

    i would also hope @AphroditeGoneAwry is correct in saying that her fellow INFJs can take care of themselves. i have several good INFJ friends and doubt they have hidden conditions they're ready to spring on me.

    and @violaine is probably right in suggesting he might be in made-for-each-other/rescuer mode. i'm pretty objective about inbound romantic interest, and the more i explained to him that we had a lot to lose and i had serious doubts about a future, the more he would stubbornly, quietly determine to prove me wrong.

    i've taken a more consultative, open approach to the whole thing because i thought he could handle it (i know i take that approach to life and relationships). he certainly claimed he could handle it. but i think he was exaggerating his ability to remain objective so that he could buy time and win me over. when i recently tried creating some space to focus on some really important work projects, he became pretty demanding. and when i called him out on it the next time i saw him, he broke down sobbing and claimed to have not eaten for a coupla days he was so freaked out about my 10-day absence.

    sorry, folks, i need an adult whose feet are standing on solid ground. if you're goin on a hunger strike it had better be to protest the British rule of India. and for the love of science don't manipulate or try to trick me while you're at it! if you lack the communication skills and are afraid to ask for what you want in a relationship (because you aren't sure you'll get what you really want or are somehow intimidated) SAY SO! express your fears, don't just withdraw and hurt yourself and later tell me about it expecting pity.

    in other words: don't shit on my chest and tell me it's vegemite.
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
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  9. #49
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    ....vegemite. awesome.





    Ah, well, another one [of your 'loves'] bites the dust.

    ce la vi
    there are more fish in the sea.

    eh?
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    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

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  10. #50
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Haven't read through the thread yet, sorry. But just to add my two cents: as an INFJ, if I've been involved with or even just had strong feelings for someone, and they reject me, the friendship is over, and probably forever (or at least, I dunno, for...ten years or more). Nothing else has ever worked for me.

    Well, I have once re-established acquaintanceship with someone a few years down the line, but just as a very distant acquaintance. And they didn't really "reject" me outright, so probably not quite the same thing anyway...


    EDIT: I should add something. I know I'm mildly delusional...but only mildly delusional. Ie. I am pretty sure I have assumed that a person felt more for me than they actually did.

    HOWEVER. I am not the type of person, in the least, who assumes that every guy/friend/guy friend is in love with her. If I don't get the sense that someone has feelings for me, any feelings I have for them tend to die away... So, essentially, when I've sensed that someone really liked me (and especially when we've actually dated!) and then they are like "uh no, I think you're a great friend but you misread my feelings" or "oh well I'm going to date this girl, but I know you and I will be the best of friends" - there is pretty much always an element of me feeling that they have led me on. And I do not think I am wrong/delusional about that. You know, don't tell me how much you love me, or make suggestive remarks or keep bringing up sex in conversation with me, or tell me how wonderful I am, and assume it means nothing and it's harmless flirtation (or a relationship that doesn't mean a whole lot) and I'm just harmlessly flirting back or viewing it as a fun, non-serious relationship. (I do not flirt unless I am seriously interested in someone - pretty much full stop - and I do not date people unless I might ultimately be interested in marrying them.)

    I do not like or respect people who treat me like that. People who I do not like or respect are not going to stay in my life.
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