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Thread: Te + INFJ = !

  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    idk. I mean...I've fallen for a friend before...knew they didn't feel the same...but knew that regardless...they would feel devasted if I ended the friendship because of it...so I put on my big-girl pants and dealt with it. And we are still friends to this very day. Best of friends. I couldn't imagine my life without him.
    But did you ever have any kind of sexual or romantic entanglement with this person prior? It's one thing to fall for a friend who has never flirted with you, kissed you, had sex with you, dated you, had chat or text sex with you, or asked for naughty pictures. It's entirely another to fall for a friend who you've done some or all of those things with.

    You have a more intimate past with someone you've had either a relationship with, or you've at least had more of a bf/gf (or bf/bf; gf/gf) dynamic with.

    It's not the same. And she clarified that she had tried dating him in the past.

  2. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    idk. I mean...I've fallen for a friend before...knew they didn't feel the same...but knew that regardless...they would feel devasted if I ended the friendship because of it...so I put on my big-girl pants and dealt with it. And we are still friends to this very day. Best of friends. I couldn't imagine my life without him.
    This happened to me too. I reacted the same way even though it hurt that he didn't feel the same way because I did value his friendship. If I'd told him how I felt and then been rejected, the dynamic would have changed. I don't think we could have just stayed friends, not in the same way.

  3. #33
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    But did you ever have any kind of sexual or romantic entanglement with this person prior? It's one thing to fall for a friend who has never flirted with you, kissed you, had sex with you, dated you, had chat or text sex with you, or asked for naughty pictures. It's entirely another to fall for a friend who you've done some or all of those things with.

    You have a more intimate past with someone you've had either a relationship with, or you've at least had more of a bf/gf (or bf/bf; gf/gf) dynamic with.

    It's not the same. And she clarified that she had tried dating him in the past.
    Oh whoops no...hahaha! But I mean...I am friends with some of my past boyfriends...but I guess in those instances we were both ready to become friends - you know? I still think that I would try to do what I outlined if I was in the situation you described. But I TOTALLY understand it isn't for everyone...and wouldn't be pissed at the person if the roles were reversed and they could no longer talk to me. ( <--- I would just want them to explain why.)

  4. #34
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by senza_tema View Post
    This happened to me too. I reacted the same way even though it hurt that he didn't feel the same way because I did value his friendship. If I'd told him how I felt and then been rejected, the dynamic would have changed. I don't think we could have just stayed friends, not in the same way.
    Yah...this all makes better sense to me now. I was missing the point about there may have been a start to something romantic (and maybe he is keeping it going in his mind).

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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Yah...this all makes better sense to me now. I was missing the point about there may have been a start to something romantic (and maybe he is keeping it going in his mind).
    Well like if you've already crossed the line into an open sexual perception of one another, and you add an intense friendship to that...can you really blame a person for being confused or hurt if they happen to fall in love?

    For whatever reason, one person falls in love and the other doesn't. Happens all the time. I don't think that the person who did fall in love "owes" the person who didn't a guarantee of obedient, loyal platonic friendship while disregarding their own feelings entirely...anymore than the person who didn't fall in love "owes" the person who did fall in love continuing sex.

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    I honestly wonder about people who continue platonically clinging to a person who they say they aren't interested in, although they know the other person is in love with them.

    Why are you clinging to that person if you really don't feel anything? How come you can't move on with your own life if you have no feelings?

    This is the point where I start to question if sometimes people confuse the "infatuation" stage of love (omg you're so hot, I can't keep my hands off you) with real, enduring love. Yeah, real enduring love isn't always as physically exciting. Grow up.

    Clearly you've formed some kind of attachment to someone if you demand continuing companionship from someone you no longer feel those hormonal infatuation feelings for.

    THIS IS WHY THE DIVORCE RATE IS SO HIGH.

    /leaves thread

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    I honestly wonder about people who continue platonically clinging to a person who they say they aren't interested in, although they know the other person is in love with them.
    Sometimes because it makes them feel attractive.

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    Quote Originally Posted by senza_tema View Post
    Sometimes because it makes them feel attractive.
    Yeah because they have a totally selfish motive of having a "groupie" or something.

  9. #39
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Sometimes because they feel guilty for rejecting the person, so the idea that they are still friends makes them feel less guilty.

  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    Sometimes because they feel guilty for rejecting the person, so the idea that they are still friends makes them feel less guilty.
    But what about demanding that person still be your friend? Like "omgz u bad person for not sticking by my side although I decided to end the more romantic aspects of our relationship." That's not about their own guilt. That's like trying to transfer their own guilt on to the other person.

    Stuff like that. Or "you should be happy for me" if they start dating someone else. To me that's entirely narcissistic.

    In fact, typically if someone is THAT taken with me, and I cannot return their feelings, I actually want away from them, because I don't want that energy continuing to be directed at me. It makes me uncomfortable to spend a great deal of time with someone who I know is sitting there WANTING ME if I have zero feelings in return. It can even feel icky, like I can feel their vibes wanting more from me.

    It's better for everyone involved in a situation like that for people to take space from each other. And if you cannot do that, I seriously wonder if you're being honest when you say you have no feelings for that person you continue to maintain a closeness to...or if you're "using" them for your own ego, vanity, or what that friend does for you because they're in love with you (for example, doing you favors, or always being available at 3 AM if you need them).

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