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Thread: Te + INFJ = !

  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by AphroditeGoneAwry View Post
    Isn't that an intensely self-serving notion? "Okay, it's not how I want it to be, therefore I don't want it [you] anymore." Ick.

    Though I do understand most people behave this way.
    Yes, it is self-serving. Yes, I'm in pain. Yes, I reserve the right to lick my wounds in peace. Anyone who wants to guilt me about it can go take a nice long hike.

  2. #22
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    Te-users:
    1 - how do you reign in your Te in relationships? are you able to soften the blow when rejecting someone for a relationship? (my tendency is to lay out specific reasons why it won't work, but the more manipulated or pressured i feel** the more heartless the Te becomes. i dislike this but Te just wants to solve a problem, after all.)
    Generally, a lot of the blow-softening comes naturally from my partner getting to know me better; they learn that every time my Te comes out, I mean well, and I'm always trying to help, and it's just the language I speak.

    But in delicate situations, yes, I have to soften it, regardless of how much an SO is accustomed to it in everyday situations. I usually can only soften it by planning out what I'm going to say in advance, very very carefully. In other words, I use my Fi to try and come as close as I can to saying how I truly feel -- because they appreciate it when I do.
    2 - do you find yourself becoming less of a feeler with the more Te you develop? more emotionally objective? as an ENFP, it seems that sometimes Te is the only recourse...and anyway, if we're already at Te you're kinda fucked: my Fi won't help you and chances are good my Ne helped get us in this situation to begin with!
    I've actually noticed that I'm more objective after I've developed my Ne; maybe it's because Te essentially defines how I operate, no matter what, that I can't imagine myself with more or less of it; I can only imagine myself holding it in or letting it out more. Regardless, it's always there.

    The functions that really get in the way of my objectivity are my Fi and my Si; the two of them together mean being righteously indignant about things being "wrong" in a completely subjective way. So then, as opposed to "having more Te", I have to tell my Fi and Si to shut up so that I can hear what my Te has been trying to say the whole time. Example: after a gut Si/Fi reaction of "That's just NOT the right way to do things", my Te tells me that it's not wrong, it's just new, and it's more efficient, so I should go for it.
    **i think there's a problem with Te and the negative reaction to feeling manipulated that goes beyond explaining it away by claiming tertiary temptation.
    Seems more like Fi to me. Any negative reaction towards "fakeness" of any kind, from Te/Fi users, is probably Fi (<-- Edit), imo.
    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    Is this different for non-Fe-er's? Do Fi-ers have the ability to switch instantaneously into friend-mode and watch the other person be involved with others and be perfectly ok with that?
    I definitely can't do that. I think my Fi actually prevents me from doing it. The idea of being friends with someone who I am in love with -- with them knowing that I'm in love with them but choosing to ignore it and pretend like it's no problem -- seems horrible to me. I have actually done something similar to an INFJ doorslam, to a friend of mine who told me he had loved me for years, because I couldn't think of him the same way after that, I couldn't lead him on, and I didn't want to be reminded of that horrible realization every time I saw him.

    But I wouldn't rule out the possibility of just being friends, after all of this. My experience, thank God, is not the norm.

    Is your INFJ definitely head-over-heels in love with you? My instinct is to say that you can soften the blow as much as you want, but the meaning in itself will probably break his heart no matter what, if he loves you and you don't love him back.
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  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    Is this different for non-Fe-er's? Do Fi-ers have the ability to switch instantaneously into friend-mode and watch the other person be involved with others and be perfectly ok with that?
    I didn't know that anyone had that ability.
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    If you've dated and/or had sex before and one person is in love and the other is not, you can't just blithely continue an intense friendship. You claim to have Te in this situation, so get real. Of course if you spend major time with him, he'll hang out and make puppy dog eyes.

    He can't get over you if you guys are together a lot. You're just as selfish as he is, I mean seriously expecting some one to be your platonic companion after you reject them isn't pragmatic or fair, if there was dating or sex in your not so distant past.

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    Quote Originally Posted by senza_tema View Post
    Yes, it is self-serving. Yes, I'm in pain. Yes, I reserve the right to lick my wounds in peace. Anyone who wants to guilt me about it can go take a nice long hike.
    ignore them. People like that are just as selfish as they claim the other person is being. "say, I don't want to fuck or sext or kiss or hold hands anymore, so you need to put on a big smile for me and get over it, because Im bored with that aspect of you now."

  6. #26
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    and that is perhaps where we differ from INFJs in our romantic ideals. i said "best with one": we can be intimate romantically with people in situations where that little door hasn't opened up, but with the hope that it will. INFJs seem to replace hope with knowledge or certitude.
    For myself, I wouldn't say it's knowledge or certitude (aside from my not going there unless I already believe there's great potential and therefore commit to the possibility), but rather it's my believing the door has already been opened by the other, and I've already opened my door. Intimacy for me occurs because I believe the doors to already be open. Until I did some dating and realized many people don't approach it that way, it wouldn't have occurred to me that others could/would be romantically intimate as a means of opening the door/hoping it would open, or seeing if the doors CAN open. It really just boils down to it signifying/'meaning' different things to different people.

    ...i know, it's not done casually but that shit is precious and how are the recipients supposed to handle it when they're dealing with a mysterious personality we haven't figured out yet? it's like being given a new xbox but no user manual!!!
    I can see that. I know I've been on the receiving end of a few people seeming to fall for me really really quickly, without much interaction at all, and if I'm not feeling it/don't have a good sense of them, I'm like.. uh... scary, we hardly know each other!! And, now I'm not sure I want to be in this situation at all!

    i'll give this more thought. i'm terribly distracted right now and am not thinking straight but will get back to you @cascadeco with hopefully less tangled responses...
    No worries!
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  7. #27
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AphroditeGoneAwry View Post
    Isn't that an intensely self-serving notion? "Okay, it's not how I want it to be, therefore I don't want it [you] anymore." Ick.

    Though I do understand most people behave this way.
    Wish I knew how to multi-quote -- but I agree with Marm's take on it. It's unreasonable to expect someone who was in love with you to just shift to being friends because you say so. Break my heart and now I'm supposed to be your friend? Fuck you. Go away.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    Wish I knew how to multi-quote -- but I agree with Marm's take on it. It's unreasonable to expect someone who was in love with you to just shift to being friends because you say so. Break my heart and now I'm supposed to be your friend? Fuck you. Go away.
    Yeah I love how someone will call someone else selfish for not doing what they wanted. "Hey yeah I want to completely devalue your feelings, but you should respect mine. It's much more convenient for me to rely on you for your constant, loyal companionship so that I'm not alone/bored/whatever rather than just make a new friend, so why not just hang out and behave yourself and be happy for me that I want to fuck other people."

  9. #29
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Not to mention the fact that he's going to be kicking himself for all the puppy-dog eyes he made and feeling like a total fool.

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    Yeah I love how someone will call someone else selfish for not doing what they wanted. "Hey yeah I want to completely devalue your feelings, but you should respect mine. It's much more convenient for me to rely on you for your constant, loyal companionship so that I'm not alone/bored/whatever rather than just make a new friend, so why not just hang out and behave yourself and be happy for me that I want to fuck other people."
    idk. I mean...I've fallen for a friend before...knew they didn't feel the same...but knew that regardless...they would feel devasted if I ended the friendship because of it...so I put on my big-girl pants and dealt with it. And we are still friends to this very day. Best of friends. I couldn't imagine my life without him.

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