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Thread: Te + INFJ = !

  1. #11
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    our flexibility is probably due to having explored many possible scenarios with a given person --> having accepted the possible outcomes (just imagine what bisexual Ne-doms go through!). but there's probably some scary truth underneath it all: if we are able to maintain some degree of objectivity in a romantic context...you probably never had us to begin with. we just didn't realize it until it's too late, or never at all. or maybe we did and struggled to communicate it. this is entirely possible. perhaps we were intellectually willing to consider the relationship, but our full machinery wasn't employed.
    Hmm... I'm not sure how to interpret this.

    Ok, so IF your full machinery is employed, and you fall for someone - really fall for them/love them/want to be with them/whatever - and if it turns out they don't return that, can you instantly turn that off and go to 'just friends' with them?

    I think that would be analagous to the INFJ situation.

    But, I'm gathering you don't even allow yourself to go there until/unless you already know the other person is fully there with you, so are you saying the scenario would never happen for you?

    i think INFJs commit too soon romantically. i do not understand the means by which they commit, but it seems that they try superimposing a reality on the "relationship" before confirming that it's even there.
    Yeah, I think there's truth to this. I think to some degree it applies to al IxxJ's, though. [I mean, you can peruse a certain typ-c users 'Shyness' thread - he's fully committed to a girl he's never even interacted with!!]

    It's something I've learned over time - that in many ways there's no 'point' in committing super early, if you don't even know whether there's something THERE. I've learned to let things flow more, rather than impose a reality/vision, as you say, that might not even be a reality.

    As for your INFJ, I dunno.. but I wouldn't feel bad if on your end you just need to do what you have to do, especially if he's not able to respect or hear what you're saying.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  2. #12
    Riva
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    Ah the magical ability of ENFPs to attract unwanted attention and potential lovers.

    What is the secret I often wonder.

  3. #13
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    Ok, so IF your full machinery is employed, and you fall for someone - really fall for them/love them/want to be with them/whatever - and if it turns out they don't return that, can you instantly turn that off and go to 'just friends' with them?

    I think that would be analagous to the INFJ situation.
    good point.

    ENFPs feel free to chime in. it seems like it's a process on our end, a little door is opened and after that anything is possible. but that's reserved for romantic relationships; all the outer chambers are available for friends but deep intimacy (perhaps similar to INFJs) is best with one.

    and that is perhaps where we differ from INFJs in our romantic ideals. i said "best with one": we can be intimate romantically with people in situations where that little door hasn't opened up, but with the hope that it will. INFJs seem to replace hope with knowledge or certitude.

    But, I'm gathering you don't even allow yourself to go there until/unless you already know the other person is fully there with you, so are you saying the scenario would never happen for you?
    it depends, infuriatingly. ENFPs have to reign in a shitload of impulses (good and bad) when a heart is dropped on our doorstep and i can't understand how INFJs so easily give it away...i know, it's not done casually but that shit is precious and how are the recipients supposed to handle it when they're dealing with a mysterious personality we haven't figured out yet? it's like being given a new xbox but no user manual!!!


    i'll give this more thought. i'm terribly distracted right now and am not thinking straight but will get back to you @cascadeco with hopefully less tangled responses...
    I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.
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  4. #14
    violaine
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    INFJs, pls help...and Te-users, too. i'm trying to avoid breaking an INFJ's heart. he's a friend. we've tried dating before but i just never felt it* and somewhere along that path he fell in love.

    INFJs:
    1 - if you were to fall in love with a friend, what is the best way for that friend to tell you she doesn't see a romantic future between the two of you? (short explanation? in person or written?)
    2 - have you ever tried pressuring someone into a relationship, by making yourself hyper-available/-accommodating or turning on the big saucer eyes? oblique/indirect displays of romantic feelings that may be difficult to pick up on?
    3 - if you are rejected by a friend, does that usually mean the end of the friendship?

    Te-users:
    1 - how do you reign in your Te in relationships? are you able to soften the blow when rejecting someone for a relationship? (my tendency is to lay out specific reasons why it won't work, but the more manipulated or pressured i feel** the more heartless the Te becomes. i dislike this but Te just wants to solve a problem, after all.)
    2 - do you find yourself becoming less of a feeler with the more Te you develop? more emotionally objective? as an ENFP, it seems that sometimes Te is the only recourse...and anyway, if we're already at Te you're kinda fucked: my Fi won't help you and chances are good my Ne helped get us in this situation to begin with!


    thanks for your help folks. i feel like i'm about to eviscerate a baby goat.



    *that is not a euphemism.
    **i think there's a problem with Te and the negative reaction to feeling manipulated that goes beyond explaining it away by claiming tertiary temptation. i have developed a certain amount of Te and in certain situations feel disgusted by irrational displays of emotion. which is odd for an NF, but makes its own perverse kind of sense: you've worked your ass off to *get* some damn Te and someone comes and ruins it with subjective emotion. it's like finishing a beautiful painting and a dog comes along and sprays it. <- rather ectopic thinking but you get the picture.
    I would tell him you don't see a future and you would hope if he cared for you that he would respect and accept that. That should zing him good! Tell him the ball's in his court as far as continuing the friendship. I think the wise thing to do would be to cut off all contact so he can get over it. I think people who are in a feeling-trance require a bit of time to switch modes/break the trance. That's not your problem to deal with. If he gets insistent or weird, tell him you're going to drop contact for a while to give you/him time to regroup so you can relate again as just friends one day. Appeal to his relationship logic side.

    He might be in made-for-each-other or rescuer mode and will need a jolt to surrender the fantasy. Really drive the "I hope you can respect my wishes and boundaries" point home. On the plus side, I do think the more he pushes, the less concerned you will be about hurting his feelings.

  5. #15
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    My read is that he's pushing because he's receiving mixed signals. If you don't want him, tell him so, and then leave him alone. That's really all there is to it.
    I would not even try "Can't we be friends?" If your INFJ is anything like me, it won't be well-received if it is understood, and there's a chance it will be misunderstood as stringing him along. Just leave him be.
    I can't even begin to explain to you how foreign your thinking is to me on this. Prolly I don't have to, since you've already got a dose of INFJ-in-relationship thinking. But fuck no, you can't be friends, ok? Go be friends with somebody else.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    ... I get the sense an INFJ starts out with a vision/ideal of how they want a relationship to proceed...and if it looks like that will not be lived-out...they will close-up-shop (INFJs can certainly come on here and correct me if my understanding is faulty though).
    That's correct.

    P.S. I am being very blunt in an effort to be helpful.

  7. #17
    violaine
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    And agree with Tiltyred... You can't give mixed messages. The INFJ who hasn't had a dose of reality before will just err on the side of hope if you do.

  8. #18
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Meh, just do what you need to do for yourself. Trust me, and INFJ can take care of himself.
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  9. #19
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    You can't have it both ways. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who'd said they didn't see any kind of romantic future with me. And no, it's not because I'm trying to punish them because it really isn't about them at that point, it's about me not wanting to spend time with someone who rejected me.

    Make it clear that you don't want to be with him because it's unfair to lead him on. But it's unreasonable to expect him to seek out your friendship after that.

  10. #20
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by senza_tema View Post
    You can't have it both ways. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who'd said they didn't see any kind of romantic future with me. And no, it's not because I'm trying to punish them because it really isn't about them at that point, it's about me not wanting to spend time with someone who rejected me.
    Isn't that an intensely self-serving notion? "Okay, it's not how I want it to be, therefore I don't want it [you] anymore." Ick.

    Though I do understand most people behave this way.
    Ni/Ti/Fe/Si
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    ~Torah observant, Christ inspired~
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    The more one loves God, the more it is that having nothing in the world means everything, and the less one loves God, the more it is that having everything in the world means nothing.

    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

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