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[INFJ] Female INFJs - surprisingly girly?

EricHanson

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INFJs are supposed to be artistic, creative, humanitarian, intelligent, living in the wold of possibilities. They are often, in one way or another, rebels, often pushing the next social or moral boundary. They are also often highly independent. Yet at the end of the day, have you guys noticed female INFJs are often...surprisingly girly/feminine? That is to say, even when they often rebel against traditional female roles and stereotypes, female INFJs at same time still often embrace traditional female roles in a significant manner. True, most women of course embrace some sort of female role even when they rebel against those roles; it's just INFJs seem to do so in a special way? in a very significant way?
 

21%

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I consider myself pretty 'girly'. I don't think femininity is the same thing as "stereotypical female roles" and people can be artistic, creative, humanitarian, intelligent, living in a world of possibilities, and highly independent, WHILE being very feminine at the same time. :blush:
 

Luv Deluxe

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Yet at the end of the day, have you guys noticed female INFJs are often...surprisingly girly/feminine? That is to say, even when they often rebel against traditional female roles and stereotypes, female INFJs at same time still often embrace traditional female roles in a significant manner.

Could you elaborate on this? There are many ways to be traditionally/stereotypically feminine, and I'm curious which ones you had in mind with regard to female INFJ behavior.

I consider myself feminine, but mostly in a physical, sexual context. My body is athletic, but not without its curves. I wear skirts, corsets, etc. I experiment with clothing, hair, and makeup. (Admittedly, all of my cosmetics easily fit into a small sandwich bag, and I find their actual application tedious. It's a necessary evil, I guess.) I feel good when I look good, and I preen myself in order to keep my insecurities at bay.

Then, of course, I love sex, and I love sex with men.

In matters of personality, however, "girly" might be one of the last adjectives I'd use to describe myself. It's true that I don't care for shopping sprees, diamonds, or any assortment of pink, glittery things, but it's also much deeper than that.

For example, I'm not sure that I have any maternal instincts at all. I feel no attachment to babies, and have never even found them cute. I see other women ogling newborns and I feel almost alien, aware as I am that I do not feel the same stirrings they do.

I haven't exactly pondered marriage, either. I require a lot of personal space in relationships...and a certain, rare understanding along with it. I like being as self-sufficient as possible, and would feel more than a little awkward if my partner ended up taking care of me, financially. Men outnumber women in both my job and field of study, but I feel completely comfortable with that.

Again, I'm not certain of your precise meaning with regard to "traditional" female roles and the INFJ tendency to embrace them. Even if I don't identify, I'm sure there are those who do. It's an interesting observation, anyway.
 

xenaprincess

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I have a gay male INFJ friend who can at times remind me of a 10yo girl in pigtails, haha.
no offense to other male INFJs out there. Or 10yo girls. ;)

A female INFJ I know is not that 'girly'. She is very maternal though. She always wears dresses, never pants, (I'm the same way), more for comfort and flattery to the body. My INFJ female friend can be pretty tough to be around. She is opinionated, sometimes brutally so, but can be the most loving person ever.
 

kyli_ryan

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INFJs are supposed to be artistic, creative, humanitarian, intelligent, living in the wold of possibilities. They are often, in one way or another, rebels, often pushing the next social or moral boundary. They are also often highly independent. Yet at the end of the day, have you guys noticed female INFJs are often...surprisingly girly/feminine? That is to say, even when they often rebel against traditional female roles and stereotypes, female INFJs at same time still often embrace traditional female roles in a significant manner. True, most women of course embrace some sort of female role even when they rebel against those roles; it's just INFJs seem to do so in a special way? in a very significant way?

I completely identify with what you're saying here, although I'm not sure if it's an INFJ quality or just the way I am. It also might have something to do with the place one is in their life... like if it'll come out later or when one is in a specific situation in life. I think that I've always been pretty in tune with my feminine side, as far as clothing and the way that I appear to others. As far as "feminine" qualities... I don't know if by mentioning independence that I would agree with you on this. I've always considered myself very independent, and have always taken care of others in anyway that I can... kind of a momma bear :blush:

I think that now that I'm in a relationship where the dynamics can kind of change, I appreciate when I don't have to be so independently minded, so maybe in this way I fall into your idea? I like being able to think as a duo and maybe make tentative plans to discuss with him later... I know in situations related to our life together, I cannot be totally independently minded, and I think that I take to that really well. I have also always been really fond of babies, I love taking care of them and imagining my own... it makes me feel warm and fuzzy :D

I guess that I would really fall into what you're describing here... but I also don't know if all INFJ females would fit into that... I think it may be my 2 "ness" that makes me so motherly and cutesy.
 

SubtleFighter

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"Feminine" is not equal to "following traditional female roles"
 

Lexicon

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Ew, girls have cooties.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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Most people consider me an INFJ and I'm not girly. I don't relate to the OP, but maybe I'm not typical INFJ or maybe I'm not INFJ. At any rate I've never been able to fit in with the expectations of the traditional female role to the point that I've rarely ever had any female friends in those environments. I was definitely conditioned to be girly on church women retreats that told us the difference between men and women, and having family that valued traditional gender roles. It was never me, so it wasn't a matter of rebelling, but a matter of not being able to internally change to fit the imposed norm.

I like debate and pursue intellectual interests, have usually lived in tough environments, hate girly shoes, rarely wear makeup, spend 5 minutes at most on my hair, rarely buy new clothes, hate shopping, can't multitask, don't enjoy talking on the phone, don't have a group of girlfriends to share feelings with, never read fashion magazines, am not flirtatious, don't want expensive jewelry or flowers, am not a good cook, and I don't even have children. I am a professional in the creative arts and value compassion, but let's hope that's not limited to girliness.
 
R

Riva

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Answering directly at the title - Yes, I've noticed that INFJ females are indeed quite girly girly.
 

Fidelia

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I think I'd be considered pretty feminine, but not exactly girly. As in, I don't fit in to the Sex in the City watching parties, doing my nails with girlfriends, cooing over other people's babies or enjoying long baths with candles etc. I often find myself not enjoying the company of a lot of women because of the kind of conversation, even though on a one on one basis I like being around other women. I think I am maternal, but I don't have children and I'm alright with it if it doesn't happen. I am not married and am okay with not being in a relationship, even though I like men and enjoy the contrast between feminine and masculine approaches and perspectives and even roles.
 

Luv Deluxe

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Most people consider me an INFJ and I'm not girly. It was never me, so it wasn't a matter of rebelling, but a matter of not being able to internally change to fit the imposed norm.

I really like the way you've phrased this. I can relate. Very, very much.
 

Lexicon

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tl;dr

I wouldn't consider myself ''feminine,'' I guess. As a Navy Brat, I grew up moving around often, and my best friend was my ENFP brother. I'd often just hang out with him, and his friends. I had one female ESFP friend when I moved up to New England, the area I've lived the longest. She tried with all her might to get me into 'girly' things- makeover, the works. It was an epic tale of hilarious fail. I just couldn't relate to her on those overtly effeminate dimensions.

I was never one for getting ''dolled up,'' so to speak.. in fact, dressing up formally is terribly uncomfortable for me. Skipped prom & spent much of the evening roaming a creepy little neighboring town, exploring a notoriously ''haunted'' cemetary with my handful of close [male] friends. [they were not brave, at all, hah]

I asked my ISFJ mother if I could just sport a tailored tuxedo & top hat for her 3rd wedding a couple yrs ago. She cringed, stuffing me into a puffy, bright red bridesmaid dress with a large bow in the back..
I try to imagine I'm in some kind of play or movie scene, and any event I need to dress like that for requires costume on set... it doesn't work, really- when people directly interact with me. I never was particularly good at improv. I typically find some excuse to leave early, making a polite escape.

I guess I just never personally grasped the whole concept of ''doing something to look/feel pretty.'' That said, I've got some deeply ingrained body image issues/pathological mental noise-- creating default biases that would stop me from even thinking to seek out that kind of feeling on some subconscious levels. The concept kinda resonates with the crass phrase Will Darnell mutters in Stephen King's Christine- ''Ya can't polish a turd.'' I take neurotically good care of my skin, but that's more to keep things from getting any worse-damage control- not to ''treat'' myself, or make myself more attractive. Even my sparse use of makeup is more for sun protection, and damage ctrl. It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to people when I attempt to explain it. My mind's kind of a mess, I suppose.

I think that default self-bias influenced what/how my general interests were developed.. Never being a shopaholic, Cosmo reading fashionista, falling in love with all the things associated with glamour/''romance''.. or rather, all the things that females are taught to associate themselves with.. Diamonds look like chunks of glass glued to a loop of metal, to me. I don't get the fuss, there. It's rocks... you're just wearing a bunch of rocks. When it comes to allotropes of carbon, I see more use in graphite over diamond. At least I can make pencils or conduct electricity with graphite.

Sure, people use jewelry as a token of love or commitment, but, I value sincerity & consistency in words/behaviors over any gift. I kind of feel like flowers, jewels and junk are conveniently thoughtless items to appear generically thoughtful to your s/o on Socially Mandated Gift-Giving Holdidays.. fuck those days. Fuck Hallmark. Just share your brain with me, explore the world with me. [please bear in mind, I'm only sharing personal pov, 'm not speaking in absolutes or looking down on those who value what I do not. Emotional languages are all expressed differently. Some I can relate to and subjectively value more readily than others, that's all]

..All that said.. most young female bonding activities seemed to revolve around talking about boys or preening at salons/spas, or dressing up to go out together.. so needless to say the majority of my own friends are male. I tend to think part of it's that I never properly socialized myself with females, so I never even indirectly picked up externally female-associated behaviors. I lack that squeaky sound some women can make when they're excessively happy/excited over something.. Giggling is lost on me. I don't understand the weird physical things women do, when trying to be ''flirtatious,'' -- I couldn't behave overtly provocative if my life depended on it-- nor do I have any drive to. The batting eyes, sultry gaze, that certain gait/walk. Just isn't part of my natural mode of interacting with the world.

Then again, these things are typically done to attract or pursue mates. My own bias probably comes into play here, as well, like why would I try to act a certain way when I knew not to expect anyone to be interested, by default. It wasn't anything I felt bad about; it was just part of my sense of reality. I'm ok with my awkwardly out-of-step..ness, in some ways.


I've mentioned in other threads my completely nonexistent maternal drive.. I don't go out of my way to make physical contact with anyone. I'm not a touchy-feely person, at all-- though I am deeply caring & empathetic (as well as endlessly intrigued by the vast, internal universe of the brain), which drives me to try to help people to help themselves. Typically I do this by discussing thoughts around the emotional reactions, asking questions, listening. Just giving hugs and saying things like, ''there there, it's okay.'' doesn't feel.. right. Not coming from me, at least.

Aaanyway, I'm probably not the most ideal sample of INFJ for this particular kind of question, since the aforementioned mental baggage likely compromises my response, at least in how I see myself.

As for how others see me, when I first joined Vent here, a fair amount of members had mistaken me for an INTP male, which I found pretty amusing, if not oddly flattering. Friends IRL have told me I have a kind of masculine way of thinking/expressing my ideas, but physically appear intrinsically quite feminine in my own way.. awkwardly bashing into things, dropping stuff, beaten up sneakers covering holy mismatched socks, home-cut short hair and all. I'm aware of how others view me, but my brain can't see it beyond the rational understanding of a concept. I'm just not there in some ways, perhaps.




..wow this has gotten too long.. *enters subject title*
 

SilkRoad

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I don't think I come across as particularly "girly" at all. I think I'm pretty feminine but perhaps not in ways that people would consider obvious. Even from having taken a "is your brain masculine or feminine?" test, my brain was apparently very female in some ways, and very male in others...

As far as "traditional" femininity, I have pretty traditional ideas about relationships, overall - ie. I'd be fine (and even prefer) that a man who I'm in a relationship with would overall take the lead in the relationship, and I think that if there's going to be a main breadwinner in the family it should preferably be the man...etc. But I want equality within that, which I admit could be a tricky balancing act. I'm not "maternal" with kids but I can be with people generally - either friends or romantic prospects. And I would love to be "taken care of" as far as being made to feel emotionally safe, having someone concerned about my well-being, etc.
 

Tiltyred

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When I am in love with somebody, I can be sweet, deferential, snuggly, cuddly, supportive, etc., yes.
 

onemoretime

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"Femininity" is very hard to define. Sometimes, it seems like "masculinity" is defined as "conducting oneself as a somewhat aggressive, insensitive prick" and "femininity" as everything else in the range of human experiences.
 

SD45T-2

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As in, I don't fit in to the Sex in the City watching parties,
I suspect that is more indicative of good taste than your level of girliness. ;)
 

tibby

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I'm waiting for the OP to be a bit more specific about this. I only know two INFJs - myself and a friend.

I think gender is fluid, there being feminine and masculine energy in me, and I like expressing both.

I was always a dominant girl, ruling the snow wrestle fights with older boys and getting into trouble by doing all sorts of physical dares. I think I have a pretty strong inferior Se (instinct) which comes out this way - I enjoy the thrill of the competition, I play to win, I'm pretty good at some sports, I like sports, especially 'rougher' ones - boxing, body combat, pumping iron etc. It also comes out in sexual context, I like to dominate sometimes.

I'm independent and don't abhor to the traditional gender roles in a relationships settings.

I have never felt the need to have kids, and kids have never made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Individual cases have.

I like taking care of my physical being and taking pride in how I look. I like to look good, simple as. Some days dressing in a more neutral manner, some days I wear high heels and dresses. When I love someone I am loving and giving. I take care of them in different ways.

Lol.
 

sculpting

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yes-even when very, very Ti, there is still an interesting trend towards more feminine dress.
 

cascadeco

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I’ve never been ‘girly’ in the sense of following trends in clothing, makeup, hairstyles, accessories, etc. However, I like having some sort of personal style and trying to look my best, and I don’t think I’d ever be viewed by others as anything but ‘feminine’.

I think that the clothes I wear/externals isn’t so much what would classify me as feminine, but rather it’s all in my body language/way I move and carry myself, my build (I move gracefully, like an elf, and look kinda like an elf too, lol… partly inherent, I’d imagine, but I also had ballet training for a number of years so think that’s a huge influence), my voice, inflections, etc. My point being, even when I’m in rock-climbing clothes (tank top or t-shirt with yoga pants or something uber-casual), I’d still be classified as feminine and come across that way, compared to a few of my friends, who wearing the same clothing, would come across more masculine. (just like certain personality traits are viewed as more ‘masculine’ vs. others as more ‘feminine’, which also ties into all of it)

I'm not sure what I think about the 'embracing traditional gender roles' part. My life hasn't really taken me in that direction, and I apparently don't embrace all of it enough to force my life in that direction or in my choices of relationship partners or friends, so... :shrug:
 

EdBogie

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Huh, I must say that this thread came as a bit of a surprise. I'm full out INFJ, yet I'm probably the furthest thing you'll ever find from a girly girl. I've been an huge tom boy since day one, was regularly mistaken as a guy all throughout middle school, and now in college I've been called the most "gender-neutral" person in the world on more than one occasion (not something I'm proud of, but alas). Everyone was always waiting for me to get beyond the "phase" and blossom into the traditional miss priss throughout my childhood, but that never happened. I never wear dresses, I never wear makeup, my attire consists of black t-shirts, black jeans, and converse. I used to skateboard religiously, I used to practice martial arts (and still would had I not developed breathing issues), I play guitar, I don't like shopping, and I've never been fond of chick flicks/overtly sappy love stories. I love kids, but I've never felt a "motherly" bond or desire to form such.

That being said, I wouldn't really coin myself as masculine either. All my friends are girls, I move like a cat, and my thought process and emotions are very feminine. I'm just me, I fit no gender roles.
 
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