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Thread: Female INFJs - surprisingly girly?

  1. #11
    B-E-H-A-V-E Never More Array Luv Deluxe's Avatar
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    Jun 2011
    7w6 sx/sp


    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    Most people consider me an INFJ and I'm not girly. It was never me, so it wasn't a matter of rebelling, but a matter of not being able to internally change to fit the imposed norm.
    I really like the way you've phrased this. I can relate. Very, very much.
    Ni > Se > Fe > Ti
    7w6 (counterphobin')
    Sx > Sp
    Chaotic Good

  2. #12
    Temporal Mechanic. Array Lexicon's Avatar
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    Sep 2008
    5w6 sp/sx

    Default tl;dr

    I wouldn't consider myself ''feminine,'' I guess. As a Navy Brat, I grew up moving around often, and my best friend was my ENFP brother. I'd often just hang out with him, and his friends. I had one female ESFP friend when I moved up to New England, the area I've lived the longest. She tried with all her might to get me into 'girly' things- makeover, the works. It was an epic tale of hilarious fail. I just couldn't relate to her on those overtly effeminate dimensions.

    I was never one for getting ''dolled up,'' so to speak.. in fact, dressing up formally is terribly uncomfortable for me. Skipped prom & spent much of the evening roaming a creepy little neighboring town, exploring a notoriously ''haunted'' cemetary with my handful of close [male] friends. [they were not brave, at all, hah]

    I asked my ISFJ mother if I could just sport a tailored tuxedo & top hat for her 3rd wedding a couple yrs ago. She cringed, stuffing me into a puffy, bright red bridesmaid dress with a large bow in the back..
    I try to imagine I'm in some kind of play or movie scene, and any event I need to dress like that for requires costume on set... it doesn't work, really- when people directly interact with me. I never was particularly good at improv. I typically find some excuse to leave early, making a polite escape.

    I guess I just never personally grasped the whole concept of ''doing something to look/feel pretty.'' That said, I've got some deeply ingrained body image issues/pathological mental noise-- creating default biases that would stop me from even thinking to seek out that kind of feeling on some subconscious levels. The concept kinda resonates with the crass phrase Will Darnell mutters in Stephen King's Christine- ''Ya can't polish a turd.'' I take neurotically good care of my skin, but that's more to keep things from getting any worse-damage control- not to ''treat'' myself, or make myself more attractive. Even my sparse use of makeup is more for sun protection, and damage ctrl. It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to people when I attempt to explain it. My mind's kind of a mess, I suppose.

    I think that default self-bias influenced what/how my general interests were developed.. Never being a shopaholic, Cosmo reading fashionista, falling in love with all the things associated with glamour/''romance''.. or rather, all the things that females are taught to associate themselves with.. Diamonds look like chunks of glass glued to a loop of metal, to me. I don't get the fuss, there. It's rocks... you're just wearing a bunch of rocks. When it comes to allotropes of carbon, I see more use in graphite over diamond. At least I can make pencils or conduct electricity with graphite.

    Sure, people use jewelry as a token of love or commitment, but, I value sincerity & consistency in words/behaviors over any gift. I kind of feel like flowers, jewels and junk are conveniently thoughtless items to appear generically thoughtful to your s/o on Socially Mandated Gift-Giving Holdidays.. fuck those days. Fuck Hallmark. Just share your brain with me, explore the world with me. [please bear in mind, I'm only sharing personal pov, 'm not speaking in absolutes or looking down on those who value what I do not. Emotional languages are all expressed differently. Some I can relate to and subjectively value more readily than others, that's all]

    ..All that said.. most young female bonding activities seemed to revolve around talking about boys or preening at salons/spas, or dressing up to go out together.. so needless to say the majority of my own friends are male. I tend to think part of it's that I never properly socialized myself with females, so I never even indirectly picked up externally female-associated behaviors. I lack that squeaky sound some women can make when they're excessively happy/excited over something.. Giggling is lost on me. I don't understand the weird physical things women do, when trying to be ''flirtatious,'' -- I couldn't behave overtly provocative if my life depended on it-- nor do I have any drive to. The batting eyes, sultry gaze, that certain gait/walk. Just isn't part of my natural mode of interacting with the world.

    Then again, these things are typically done to attract or pursue mates. My own bias probably comes into play here, as well, like why would I try to act a certain way when I knew not to expect anyone to be interested, by default. It wasn't anything I felt bad about; it was just part of my sense of reality. I'm ok with my awkwardly out-of-step..ness, in some ways.

    I've mentioned in other threads my completely nonexistent maternal drive.. I don't go out of my way to make physical contact with anyone. I'm not a touchy-feely person, at all-- though I am deeply caring & empathetic (as well as endlessly intrigued by the vast, internal universe of the brain), which drives me to try to help people to help themselves. Typically I do this by discussing thoughts around the emotional reactions, asking questions, listening. Just giving hugs and saying things like, ''there there, it's okay.'' doesn't feel.. right. Not coming from me, at least.

    Aaanyway, I'm probably not the most ideal sample of INFJ for this particular kind of question, since the aforementioned mental baggage likely compromises my response, at least in how I see myself.

    As for how others see me, when I first joined Vent here, a fair amount of members had mistaken me for an INTP male, which I found pretty amusing, if not oddly flattering. Friends IRL have told me I have a kind of masculine way of thinking/expressing my ideas, but physically appear intrinsically quite feminine in my own way.. awkwardly bashing into things, dropping stuff, beaten up sneakers covering holy mismatched socks, home-cut short hair and all. I'm aware of how others view me, but my brain can't see it beyond the rational understanding of a concept. I'm just not there in some ways, perhaps. this has gotten too long.. *enters subject title*
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!

    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

  3. #13
    Lay the coin on my tongue Array SilkRoad's Avatar
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    May 2009
    6w5 sp/sx


    I don't think I come across as particularly "girly" at all. I think I'm pretty feminine but perhaps not in ways that people would consider obvious. Even from having taken a "is your brain masculine or feminine?" test, my brain was apparently very female in some ways, and very male in others...

    As far as "traditional" femininity, I have pretty traditional ideas about relationships, overall - ie. I'd be fine (and even prefer) that a man who I'm in a relationship with would overall take the lead in the relationship, and I think that if there's going to be a main breadwinner in the family it should preferably be the man...etc. But I want equality within that, which I admit could be a tricky balancing act. I'm not "maternal" with kids but I can be with people generally - either friends or romantic prospects. And I would love to be "taken care of" as far as being made to feel emotionally safe, having someone concerned about my well-being, etc.
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


  4. #14
    Senior Member Array Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Dec 2008
    468 sx/sp


    When I am in love with somebody, I can be sweet, deferential, snuggly, cuddly, supportive, etc., yes.

  5. #15
    Dreaming the life Array onemoretime's Avatar
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    Jun 2009


    "Femininity" is very hard to define. Sometimes, it seems like "masculinity" is defined as "conducting oneself as a somewhat aggressive, insensitive prick" and "femininity" as everything else in the range of human experiences.

  6. #16
    Boaty McBoatface Array SD45T-2's Avatar
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    Feb 2012
    1w2 so/sp


    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    As in, I don't fit in to the Sex in the City watching parties,
    I suspect that is more indicative of good taste than your level of girliness.
    1w2-6w5-3w2 so/sp

    "I took one those personality tests. It came back negative." - Dan Mintz

  7. #17
    Senior Member Array tibby's Avatar
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    Nov 2008


    I'm waiting for the OP to be a bit more specific about this. I only know two INFJs - myself and a friend.

    I think gender is fluid, there being feminine and masculine energy in me, and I like expressing both.

    I was always a dominant girl, ruling the snow wrestle fights with older boys and getting into trouble by doing all sorts of physical dares. I think I have a pretty strong inferior Se (instinct) which comes out this way - I enjoy the thrill of the competition, I play to win, I'm pretty good at some sports, I like sports, especially 'rougher' ones - boxing, body combat, pumping iron etc. It also comes out in sexual context, I like to dominate sometimes.

    I'm independent and don't abhor to the traditional gender roles in a relationships settings.

    I have never felt the need to have kids, and kids have never made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Individual cases have.

    I like taking care of my physical being and taking pride in how I look. I like to look good, simple as. Some days dressing in a more neutral manner, some days I wear high heels and dresses. When I love someone I am loving and giving. I take care of them in different ways.


  8. #18


    yes-even when very, very Ti, there is still an interesting trend towards more feminine dress.

  9. #19
    4x9 Array cascadeco's Avatar
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    Oct 2007
    4 so/sp


    I’ve never been ‘girly’ in the sense of following trends in clothing, makeup, hairstyles, accessories, etc. However, I like having some sort of personal style and trying to look my best, and I don’t think I’d ever be viewed by others as anything but ‘feminine’.

    I think that the clothes I wear/externals isn’t so much what would classify me as feminine, but rather it’s all in my body language/way I move and carry myself, my build (I move gracefully, like an elf, and look kinda like an elf too, lol… partly inherent, I’d imagine, but I also had ballet training for a number of years so think that’s a huge influence), my voice, inflections, etc. My point being, even when I’m in rock-climbing clothes (tank top or t-shirt with yoga pants or something uber-casual), I’d still be classified as feminine and come across that way, compared to a few of my friends, who wearing the same clothing, would come across more masculine. (just like certain personality traits are viewed as more ‘masculine’ vs. others as more ‘feminine’, which also ties into all of it)

    I'm not sure what I think about the 'embracing traditional gender roles' part. My life hasn't really taken me in that direction, and I apparently don't embrace all of it enough to force my life in that direction or in my choices of relationship partners or friends, so...
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  10. #20
    Junior Member Array EdBogie's Avatar
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    Aug 2010


    Huh, I must say that this thread came as a bit of a surprise. I'm full out INFJ, yet I'm probably the furthest thing you'll ever find from a girly girl. I've been an huge tom boy since day one, was regularly mistaken as a guy all throughout middle school, and now in college I've been called the most "gender-neutral" person in the world on more than one occasion (not something I'm proud of, but alas). Everyone was always waiting for me to get beyond the "phase" and blossom into the traditional miss priss throughout my childhood, but that never happened. I never wear dresses, I never wear makeup, my attire consists of black t-shirts, black jeans, and converse. I used to skateboard religiously, I used to practice martial arts (and still would had I not developed breathing issues), I play guitar, I don't like shopping, and I've never been fond of chick flicks/overtly sappy love stories. I love kids, but I've never felt a "motherly" bond or desire to form such.

    That being said, I wouldn't really coin myself as masculine either. All my friends are girls, I move like a cat, and my thought process and emotions are very feminine. I'm just me, I fit no gender roles.

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