[NF] "Sorry." "It's not your fault!"

[SilkRoad]

Not really an "NF" topic, but I wasn't sure where to put this and figured I'd get good responses here.

When someone tells me that...they have a serious illness; a good friend just died tragically; their marriage is ending; etc, my tendency is to look at them bug-eyed and say "I'M SO SORRY." (And I mean it, too, especially if I'm close to them.)

What surprises me is that quite often, the person will look at me slightly surprised and say "It's not your fault!" or even "It's fine!". This always surprises me in return. Almost as though I said something inappropriate, or they just totally weren't expecting that. And to me it's completely the natural thing to say.

Would any of you react like that - or do you think it's an odd reaction? Or do you think it's a cultural thing? I live in England and I can't remember if anyone in Canada or Ireland reacted like that. Then again, living in England I can think of at least English and South African people who have both reacted like that...

I wonder if they might react like that because I look sincerely moved when I say it? But it's not like I burst into tears! I know though that some people are a bit uncomfortable about any display of emotion, so maybe they feel uncomfortable either that they might be exposing themselves, or that I feel so sorry about the situation. But my reaction if I told someone bad news and they said "I'm sorry" would just be "thank you."

Thoughts?

 

[JocktheMotie]

Here you go.

 

[SilkRoad]

Here you go.

Yeah!

I guess I could start saying "Damn. That sucks." It just doesn't seem quite right a lot of the time.

 

[UniqueMixture]

When you say "I'm sorry." It implies that they should feel sad about something that they don't feel sad about. It brings up negative feelings so they reject that interpretation of the event. They don't identify it as negative because they see it as something that they have the power to change so it is not a big deal, that can be useful/has or will help them grow, or because they believe it is unchangeable and it does not help them to focus on it.

 

[SilkRoad]

When you say "I'm sorry." It implies that they should feel sad about something that they don't feel sad about. It brings up negative feelings so they reject that interpretation of the event. They don't identify it as negative because they see it as something that they have the power to change so it is not a big deal, that can be useful/has or will help them grow, or because they believe it is unchangeable and it does not help them to focus on it.

But that assumes that they don't feel sad about the end of their marriage, the death of their friend, etc. In fact, the way they'd described these things to me, they felt very sad about them. It would be odd if they DIDN'T feel sad about these things.

 

[INTP]

this is how its done

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7FyO7-2t6s

 

[JocktheMotie]

But that assumes that they don't feel sad about the end of their marriage, the death of their friend, etc. In fact, the way they'd described these things to me, they felt very sad about them. It would be odd if they DIDN'T feel sad about these things.

This is why I never tell people things. Everyone feels the need to interpret my emotional stance and manage it for me. Or at least, that's how it appears. Why can't I just exchange data without all the crap.

 

[Lux]

I get what you're saying and I think it's natural to say, "I'm so sorry." I have had people have the same reaction to that statement as you and I think it's because they're not prepared to react to your reaction. As in, they want to say / have some bad news about themselves and need / want to tell you, but are uncomfortable with the aftermath of pity. So they make a joke sort of, "It's not your fault." to deflect the immediate uncomfortable feelings that arise. I think that response is mainly because people need to share events in their lives but rarely do they want actual pity, but they feel better when they know you care, so it's an awkward situation on both sides.

 

[UniqueMixture]

[MENTION=7063]SilkRoad[/MENTION]: It's hard to talk about these things in abstract as it depends on the persons involved, but odd as it may sound this is often the case ime. Sometimes the end of a bad marriage is a good thing. Sometimes the way someone copes with death is by celebrating the life of the person they loved. Sometimes they're so sad they don't realize they're sad. Whatever the case, sometimes you can be there for the other person best not by expressing sympathy, but my empathizing with the way they feel.

 

[Laurie]

I'm awful with this stuff.

I said "that sucks" to someone once. And they said "yes it does"

I use that a lot now.

 

[SilkRoad]

I'm awful with this stuff.

I said "that sucks" to someone once. And they said "yes it does"

I use that a lot now.

I kind of think of "I'm sorry" as the more polite way of saying "that sucks."

[MENTION=15315]UniqueMixture[/MENTION]: I guess it seems fair to think, if someone has just told you that they're "devastated", that they feel bad about the situation.

I'm not saying everyone reacts like this. The majority don't. It just happens more often that I would have expected.

Anyway, even if they didn't feel bad (which I would sincerely find bizarre under circumstances that I've described), it just seems like "I'm sorry" is a fairly generic way to express that you feel for them and would like to help if you could. The dreaded "I know exactly how you feel", now THAT's something I would never say. Because I don't, and can't.

 

[SilkRoad]

I get what you're saying and I think it's natural to say, "I'm so sorry." I have had people have the same reaction to that statement as you and I think it's because they're not prepared to react to your reaction. As in, they want to say / have some bad news about themselves and need / want to tell you, but are uncomfortable with the aftermath of pity. So they make a joke sort of, "It's not your fault." to deflect the immediate uncomfortable feelings that arise. I think that response is mainly because people need to share events in their lives but rarely do they want actual pity, but they feel better when they know you care, so it's an awkward situation on both sides.

I think this makes the most sense to me so far.

So, for the people who think "I'm so sorry" is an inappropriate thing to say...what should I say? I could say "how do you feel about that?" but that a) makes me sound like a therapist, b) invites the response "how the hell do you think I feel about it?!?!"

 

[UniqueMixture]

Then perhaps reflecting/rephrasing what they just said back to them would work better. It sounds like this is very overwhelming for you. This way you're talking about their feelings and connecting with them. What you're saying is good, it just doesn't send the message you intend to send to some.

 

[Laurie]

"I'm sorry" sounds crappy because everyone is told to say it. It's like "how are you? I'm fine" for funerals.


[YOUTUBE="JXcueVDW2Mo"].[/YOUTUBE]
I believe everything in life has an important IT crowd reference.
(studio audience)

 

[Lux]

So, for the people who think "I'm so sorry" is an inappropriate thing to say...what should I say? I could say "how do you feel about that?" but that a) makes me sound like a therapist, b) invites the response "how the hell do you think I feel about it?!?!"

For me it depends on how well I know the person. If I know them well, I'll call the situation out, "Wow, that sucks (I'm sorry), I want to be there for you however you need me, so if you want to talk, I'm all about that, if you just wanted to tell me then be left alone, I'm all about that too."

If it's someone I don't know, "I'm so sorry," "It's not your fault." *sigh*

 

[SilkRoad]

I find it odd how when I (or anyone really) posts threads like this, there are always so many people willing to pile on telling you you're doing it all wrong and that's why you get an odd reaction from a FEW people.

 

[Viridian]

I guess "my condolences" is a tad too formal...

 

[UniqueMixture]

We'll, I'm not here to tell you you're wrong

Just throwing an idea out there and I hope it works for you

 

[SilkRoad]

We'll, I'm not here to tell you you're wrong

Just throwing an idea out there and I hope it works for you

Thank you

 

[Ivy]

I think what Lux said makes sense. I've been on both sides of this, actually. Sometimes it compounds a bad event to also have people feeling sorry for me. But I always want to express my sympathy somehow when people tell me about their bad events.

Tangentially- I try not to say "I'm sorry" about divorces anymore, unless the person telling me clearly didn't want it to happen (which is what your instances sound like). Among my friends who have gotten divorced, most of the turmoil happens before they make the decision to split up, and by then the split-up is actually a relief.

I’m divorced, so I’m single again after ten years of marriage. And—no... Cut the shit! Don’t even start with that noise like a puppy died! Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. And this is important because some day one of your friends is gonna get divorced. It’s gonna happen. And they’re gonna tell you, don’t go “awww sorry.” That’s a stupid thing to say! It really is. First of all, you’re making them feel bad for being really happy, which isn’t fair. And second, let me explain something to you. Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It’s really that simple. That’s never hap— that would be sad. If two people were married and they were really happy and they just had a great thing, and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. Literally zero. Ray Charles has killed more jews than happy marriages have ended in divorce. So if your friend got divorced, it means things were bad and now they’re—I mean, they’re better. They’re not good, life is shit wall to wall. But they’re better, so you should be happy.