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  1. #1
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    Default INFJ and ENFP relationship

    What are the benefits of an INFJ/ENFP pairing? What are the challenges?

    I am an INFJ male in a relationship with an ENFP female. It is a very romantic relationship and the intimacy is intense. I tell her all my problems and she patiently listens, while often I am forced to be more extroverted to find out what's on her mind.

    Sometimes, I feel we are almost too sensitive to each other's needs and this creates a difficulty of communication. Overall it is a good relationship. We rarely fight, but sometimes there is an impatience in our communication.

    I was wondering what others thought about this pairing. Any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

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    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Worked out ok for me. We were both very immature when we got married.

    Our I/E and J/P clash. He really does understand where I'm coming from. He's gotten much less douchey as he's gotten older so we do better but we still have to work every day. I think he was pretty drawn to wanting perfection (even though he himself couldn't attain it) and wanted to find a way to make me perfect. I think it's hard having a conflicted J though. I think infjs seem conflicted about their j. It's like you want things a certain way and can't seem to get it that way.

    It's nice to have an nf.

    I recently met an infj female in real life and we just click so well. It makes me remember what drew my husband and I together. Some kind of similar thoughts. Not having to explain everything.

    He says I bring excitement to his life. I think he would enjoy an SJ for day to day stuff but might not get the deeper interaction.

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    I think ENFPs goes better with INTJs. *smirks*

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    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    I always friend zoned INTJs. *smirks back*

  5. #5
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spiritual Science View Post
    What are the benefits of an INFJ/ENFP pairing? What are the challenges?

    I am an INFJ male in a relationship with an ENFP female. It is a very romantic relationship and the intimacy is intense. I tell her all my problems and she patiently listens, while often I am forced to be more extroverted to find out what's on her mind.

    Sometimes, I feel we are almost too sensitive to each other's needs and this creates a difficulty of communication. Overall it is a good relationship. We rarely fight, but sometimes there is an impatience in our communication.

    I was wondering what others thought about this pairing. Any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks!
    It's probably not very helpful of me to ask you questions when you are the one that came here soliciting advice...but the above passages stood out to me and I was curious about them. What do you mean when you say you are 'forced' into being more extroverted...? Are you saying that while you are quite open with regards to discussing your problems...she remains tight-lipped about hers and you need to press her in order to get her to share? If so...I believe this is a fairly common 'ENFP relationship complaint'...and it has nothing to do with not trusting the other person...or not wanting to be forthcoming and share. We truly have a challenging time focusing on anything negative...especially in the company of those we love. And it's weird. I don't mind listening to someone else's issues...but as soon as someone turns around and asks me the same I have a really hard time accessing that in my mind. And it does take some 'pressing' (sometimes a series of questions) before I can figure-out what is bothering me (if that even works). There is definitely a compulsion to try and remain positive. Not always...but for the most part.

    I also wanted to understand about this 'impatience' in your communication. Does this bother you? I'm wondering because I had a relationship with an INFJ blow-up in my face at the first sign of 'impatience'...and it left me thinking ??? I don't imagine you are as *idealistic* or *conflict avoidant* as the INFJ I mention...but from where I stand...if the worst of it is that you experience some impatience from time to time...that is a very successful relationship! Relationships are hard man. And like I desperately tried to convey to my INFJ...there will be problems. There will be problems...and I am not perfect. Oh...and you are not perfect. <--- that was a sensitive statement right there...that one got me in trouble I think haha! I even went onto say that I don't want a relationship where there isn't any problems. But he apparently did. What is your take on that?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    Worked out ok for me. We were both very immature when we got married.

    Our I/E and J/P clash. He really does understand where I'm coming from. He's gotten much less douchey as he's gotten older so we do better but we still have to work every day. I think he was pretty drawn to wanting perfection (even though he himself couldn't attain it) and wanted to find a way to make me perfect. I think it's hard having a conflicted J though. I think infjs seem conflicted about their j. It's like you want things a certain way and can't seem to get it that way.

    It's nice to have an nf.

    I recently met an infj female in real life and we just click so well. It makes me remember what drew my husband and I together. Some kind of similar thoughts. Not having to explain everything.

    He says I bring excitement to his life. I think he would enjoy an SJ for day to day stuff but might not get the deeper interaction.
    Thanks for your reply. I would definitely agree that I am conflicted about my J. It's as if the J demands I be a perfectionist and everyone around me be perfect, but I know it's not realistic. But still, I get frustrated. This sort of thing prevented from doing well on assignments in school because "if I can't do it perfect, why even bother." I think I'm maturing on this point and awareness of it has lessened its effect.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    It's probably not very helpful of me to ask you questions when you are the one that came here soliciting advice...but the above passages stood out to me and I was curious about them. What do you mean when you say you are 'forced' into being more extroverted...? Are you saying that while you are quite open with regards to discussing your problems...she remains tight-lipped about hers and you need to press her in order to get her to share? If so...I believe this is a fairly common 'ENFP relationship complaint'...and it has nothing to do with not trusting the other person...or not wanting to be forthcoming and share. We truly have a challenging time focusing on anything negative...especially in the company of those we love. And it's weird. I don't mind listening to someone else's issues...but as soon as someone turns around and asks me the same I have a really hard time accessing that in my mind. And it does take some 'pressing' (sometimes a series of questions) before I can figure-out what is bothering me (if that even works). There is definitely a compulsion to try and remain positive. Not always...but for the most part.

    I also wanted to understand about this 'impatience' in your communication. Does this bother you? I'm wondering because I had a relationship with an INFJ blow-up in my face at the first sign of 'impatience'...and it left me thinking ??? I don't imagine you are as *idealistic* or *conflict avoidant* as the INFJ I mention...but from where I stand...if the worst of it is that you experience some impatience from time to time...that is a very successful relationship! Relationships are hard man. And like I desperately tried to convey to my INFJ...there will be problems. There will be problems...and I am not perfect. Oh...and you are not perfect. <--- that was a sensitive statement right there...that one got me in trouble I think haha! I even went onto say that I don't want a relationship where there isn't any problems. But he apparently did. What is your take on that?
    I'll try to address these in order. About the extroversion issue: Basically, she is my only female confidant. It helps because I can't open up to many people and have a hard time sharing with even my closest male friends. I can tell when she's upset or thinking about something but she rarely complains or vents to me. I want to know what's on her mind if only to selfishly not feel so bad about complaining all the time! But thank you for validating this concern. It is good to know other ENFP's have a hard time focusing on anything negative especially in good company.

    About the impatience: it does bother me sometimes. It's a sort of tension that doesn't seem to resolve until the next morning when we both apologize for whatever was going on. I feel like I am too demanding to know how she feels at a particular moment, when likely she doesn't know yet. If I can't figure her out I get annoyed. I'm getting better though . . .

    About the perfectionism: How dare you say I'm not perfect!! Haha jk, thanks for the reminder I think I am hard on myself and expect myself to be perfect. I in turn think everyone thinks the same way which causes me to expect everyone to behave according to my ideals, when in actuality no one's perfect and everyone thinks differently. But under stress, I have a hard time remembering that . . .

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    Quote Originally Posted by Spiritual Science View Post
    I'll try to address these in order. About the extroversion issue: Basically, she is my only female confidant. It helps because I can't open up to many people and have a hard time sharing with even my closest male friends. I can tell when she's upset or thinking about something but she rarely complains or vents to me. I want to know what's on her mind if only to selfishly not feel so bad about complaining all the time! But thank you for validating this concern. It is good to know other ENFP's have a hard time focusing on anything negative especially in good company.

    About the impatience: it does bother me sometimes. It's a sort of tension that doesn't seem to resolve until the next morning when we both apologize for whatever was going on. I feel like I am too demanding to know how she feels at a particular moment, when likely she doesn't know yet. If I can't figure her out I get annoyed. I'm getting better though . . .

    About the perfectionism: How dare you say I'm not perfect!! Haha jk, thanks for the reminder I think I am hard on myself and expect myself to be perfect. I in turn think everyone thinks the same way which causes me to expect everyone to behave according to my ideals, when in actuality no one's perfect and everyone thinks differently. But under stress, I have a hard time remembering that . . .
    First of all, thanks for creating this thread.

    My experience where I need to work on myself is the one bolded. And also how she feels...sometimes I feel like strangling some object just to release the frustration to really really really really know. I want her to know that I care about her as well and not taking her for granted, ya know what I mean?

  9. #9
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spiritual Science View Post
    About the perfectionism: How dare you say I'm not perfect!! Haha jk, thanks for the reminder I think I am hard on myself and expect myself to be perfect. I in turn think everyone thinks the same way which causes me to expect everyone to behave according to my ideals, when in actuality no one's perfect and everyone thinks differently. But under stress, I have a hard time remembering that . . .
    Oh whoops ummm...I should clarify... That comment I made...the 'oh and you're not perfect'...that wasn't directed towards you.

    I was just trying to convey an exchange I had with an INFJ I knew irl...in where I basically expressed a version of that sentiment (you're not perfect)...after being made to feel that I sure needed to be. idk...I mean...the reason I was so happy to know this INFJ was because I felt like I was accepted and appreciated for who I am/was...but something changed without me understanding it had changed. And soon I started to feel like I was being 'shoved' into some sort of 'idealized image' maybe (?). It is difficult for me to describe. But yah...maybe like there was some sort of 'script' that I needed to perform perfectly. And deviating from that 'script' was a bad idea...and seemed to throw him off. <--- I'm not suggesting that you are doing this in the least. But I will say...the fastest way to make your ENFP 'impatient' is to create an atmosphere like that. An atmosphere that sorta feels like the INFJ's 'perfect imagined reality' is the only acceptable reality...for we will fail. We will fail because we have been failing to live up to people's expectations since the day we were born...haha! No...I mean...we resist that kind of thing (the feeling of being 'controlled' in anyway). I almost feel like it is our 'job' to resist...to push-up against boundaries and find new ways of looking at something. Kinda like...'oh you want me to behave like this?...well now I'm going to do the total opposite' (whether I'm aware of it or not). I sometimes feel that only those profoundly skilled in the art of reverse psychology should be in a relationship with an ENFP...haha!

    I guess the only advice I would give is expect the unexpected for a while...and do NOT expect perfection. Abandon the 'script'...and go with the flow. And wear a seat-belt.

  10. #10
    Senior Member SubtleFighter's Avatar
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    I've never dated an ENFP (although I've come close), but I've had meaningful relationships with them for years. In high school one of my closest friends was one (the one I almost dated), the person I'm closest to in the world is one, and I just made a new friend that's one.

    In my experience, relationships with ENFPs are that half the time you're so in synch that you have a soul telepathy thing going on . . . while the other half of the time, it's like you're speaking French while they're speaking German. The soul telepathy is amazing, but the other part takes a lot of work.

    The two major things that have helped my relationships with ENFPs to work better are 1) lots of communication, and 2) looking at the intent behind what they do rather than thinking of what it would mean if I were doing it. Although I'm someone who tries to predict what people will do or say (I imagine most INFJs are like this), ENFPs are the least predictable people I've ever met. It's both scary and exciting I can't tell you how many times in my life an ENFP that I have known for years will constantly do/say things that would be the total opposite of what I would have predicted.

    Back to the two things I mentioned, it's important that you talk to her and ask her about things if she does or says something that seems offensive. ENFPs often do things for very different reasons than INFJs. I think what has the biggest potential for causing hurt is the Fe/Fi difference. Learn all you can about Fi from the awesome Fi-users on this site and take that into consideration. This is why it's important to look at her intentions because Fi-users will sometimes do things that if an Fe-user did it, it would indicate that they were trying to move away from you or that they were irritated with you, but Fi-users don't use the same emotional language and may not have intended to send that signal at all.

    The Fe/Fi difference goes along with what you're saying about how you tell her all your problems but she doesn't do the same. To an Fe-user, part of how we try to become closer to someone is by creating an emotional merge. I will tell you what's going on in my life (including emotionally), and you will do the same. The closer we want to become to someone, the more we want to share with the other person and have them share with us. This works well if the other person is an Fe-user, but Fi-users don't work the same way. This is where looking at intent comes in again. For most Fe-users, not telling someone our emotional problems is an indication that we don't feel close to them (maybe there's a difference with men and women with this, but to some extent I think this is true for Fe-users of both genders). But Fi-users can feel close to others but not tell them their emotional problems in the same way. Another reason that Fe-users tell people they're close to about their emotional problems is that that is one of the ways that we process our emotions and get on the path to feeling better--we want to vent to someone we trust and get affirmation and then maybe problem-solve/get their opinion on the matter. But Fi-users don't need to talk about their problems to feel better emotionally the same way that Fe-users do. It seems like you're worried that if she's not telling you her problems that she will have a harder time working through them, but for the most part, that's not the case. Usually if Fi-users really need to talk, they'll let you know, but talking about it is not a requirement in order to work through it and feel better. I won't lie--it is tough for me to balance the need to "emotionally merge" with wanting to respect that ENFPs don't need to talk about things emotionally. (Fi-users, please let me know if anything I'm saying about Fi-users here is not correct.)

    But overall, I find relationships (in this case, platonic ones) with ENFPs to be really rewarding. But it does take work.


    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    And wear a seat-belt.


    "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."--Ambrose Redmoon

    . . . metamorphosing . . .

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