I feel torn because I do want to help you guys, but this is something that I’ll need to spend more time thinking about because even though I have tons of thoughts floating around in my head about this, most of it isn’t in a coherent form yet. And I wish I had more time right now to do that (the end of the semester is upon me and is hijacking my time and energy). The other posts I made in this thread were things I had already given a lot of thought to, so I was able to do that. Augh. But here’s what I got at the moment:
These codes are in a lot of ways dependent on circumstances, so it’s hard to talk about them in ways that will apply to every or most circumstances. But some general things are that it depends on are how close you are to the other person and what kind of information is being talked about in the Te-message. For instance, if the Te message is about things that are impersonal (such as a discussion on whether the current version of American English or the current version of British English is closer to the way British English was back in the 1700s), then you’re talking to the INFJ’s NiTi instead of Fe. (I feel like the rules/codes and how this all works will be a bit different for non-INFJ Fe-users, but I’ll speak from this perspective because that’s the one that I have the most knowledge about—hopefully most of what I’m saying will have some value in regards to other Fe-users as well.) This is I think where what Z Buck McFate was saying comes into play the most, in that it can feel like the Te message is demanding that we think a certain way when it speaks in definitive terms. If you want to soften that, try using terms like “I think,” “I believe,” “In my opinion,” “It seems like.” I understand that most of the time, the person using Te is expecting that if the other person disagrees that they will just say so, but I second the stadium blowhorn analogy in that it’s hard to have a discussion with a message that feels like that.
However, if the Te message is not impersonal, but it’s talking about something that a person could improve on or a relationship could improve on, then it sometimes feels like a personal attack. In some way, let the person know at the beginning of the conversation that this is not meant personally and that you care about them as a person and just want to discuss these things. I mentioned before doing something like stating something that you agree with the person about first and then stating what your disagreement is second. Saying something you agree with them first is a signal that says that it’s not meant as an attack. (For an example, I used this at the beginning of my previous post—after the grumbling about timing out.) But this is normally something that’s used in the middle of a conversation, not at the beginning. If you’re the end introducing the subject, again, it would be helpful to let them know at the very start before you say anything else that it’s not meant personally and that you still care about them. Even as I’m typing this, it seems kind of a weird thing to say because if you’re close to someone, it may feel like ‘of course I care about you, why would I have a close relationship with you in the first place if I didn’t’, but I’m just saying this because of the nature of how Te message can appear sometimes to Fe users as attacks.
There have been a few times when an ENFP has flat out said things like this to me directly before launching into a Te analysis of our friendship or something that I could improve on. There was one time where I was having a conversation with her, and she suddenly stopped after I said something, got a lecturing look on her face and in her tone (this only happens when she’s about to use Te), and said plainly, “I love ya. But let’s talk.” And then she told in me in a Te way of things that I was doing that she thought were hurtful to me and to her. I’ll admit that the Te tone was abrupt to me and made me feel defensive, but I kept thinking about how she started out with “I love ya.” It reminded me that in spite of how I was reacting to the manner of her message, she really did care about me and had good intentions with me. So I responded to her in a non-defensive way, and we ended up having a good conversation.
It would probably be helpful to just state something directly like that at the beginning. Also, if this is a person who you’re close to and will be spending a lot of time with, you may want to have a conversation with them explaining that this is your style of speaking when discussing problems and issues, but that they should know that it in no way means that you think less of them but that it means that you care about them and want to help them and your relationship. I would still give a disclaimer at the beginning of every time you start a Te discussion just to remind them.
If the Fe-user is not someone you’re close to . . . then it’s more iffy in terms of not raising hackles. Even giving a disclaimer before a conversation like that involving something personal may still not be enough. I’m still fuzzy in my mind about this circumstance.
uumlau is an expert at delivering Te messages in an Fe-friendly way when he’s over in the NF sphere. Maybe study what he does?
I wish I had more time to think about this at the moment. Do any Fe-users reading this thread have any other advice?
(BTW, can someone tell me how to do mentions? I tried to do it for Z Buck and uumlau, but I can't figure it out. Thanks!)