• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INFJ] INTJ guy in a situation with an ENFP girl and an INFP girl

INTJguy123

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2012
Messages
19
MBTI Type
INTJ
Ok...where to start...there is an INFP girl my age at my grad school who I haven't really paid attention to all year. Thinking back on it now, I remember her sending obvious eye contact and subtle smiles randomly but I just didn't think anything of these things. After all, we had never talked so I guess I didn't even analyze it. But anyways..recently she smiled at me big and I was just overwhelmed. I knew
there was a connection to be made. After analyzing a few other details plus the history, I am sure she was sending me signals and probably for a while, just not sure what kind. This girl is super, super introverted. I've approached her a few times (note: I don't do this sort of thing.. I had no choice. I have never felt so driven) and we've studied together, and my gut tells me she enjoys my presence even though it's been very quiet (a comfortable quiet). She acts weird around me, almost like she's trying to ignore me. But I have a OVERWHELMING gut feeling that she is into me. Yes it probably seems like I'm just wanting this to be true but boy my intuition NEVER fails me. Yet she just seems very unapproachable even though she looks comfortable around everyone else. I seriously can't stop thinking about her, and feel physically ill not knowing what the deal is and not being sure how to open up to her and vice versa. The way I feel when I look at her is indescribable. I don't feel this way about the ENFP as much but still see a potential there, but my reality may be skewed temporarily so I'm ignoring that for now


So now for the fun part...a big group of us went out this weekend. I looked forward all week to be in a relaxing environment involving alcohol and be able to run with this and see where it goes. My plan for the night was 100% to get to know her better and vice versa. So I show up at the bar, and an ENFP in our
class (who I have been getting 0 signals from) is all over me. At this point I'm super confused. Any other time and I would have thought I was the luckiest dude..having a girl do so much of the work. So anyways, I actually had a great time talking with this girl and literally talked to her the entire night without even giving thought to it really (physically attractive as well, both these girls are). We went back to her place and hung out, didn't do anything even though I could've easily...it just did not feel right. Rewind one week and I would've gone for it without a doubt. At the bar I wanted to talk to the INFP, but

1)She was in a group of people the whole time
2)How the hell do you make that transition without looking like a complete asshole to the ENFP that you've been having such a great time with and sending her signals as well (inadvertently)?

So I guess here are my questions.
1) I am sure the INFP was observing us at the bar, how did this look to her and what could she be thinking about how I feel about her? I am afraid she thinks I was playing a game and trying to make her jealous, and the thought of that makes me sad because of how delicate she appears

2) Right now all I want to do is to get to know the INFP as quickly as possible..I just can't stop thinking about her. AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY! It's purely my gut controlling my actions. How do I do this? I've been talking with the ENFP on campus and she's great and all but I just need to pursue this first. I don't want to hurt the ENFPs feelings at all. In fact it just feels wrong whenever I'm talking with her and I get the feeling I may possibly be leading her on. And I also feel like I may have hurt the INFPs feelings. Whatever I do it looks like I'll just appear as an asshole

3) I need to figure out where I stand with the INFP immediately. What would be the best approach possible? I can't just be patient and see what happens, I need to take action. I just feel too much like absolute shit right now to not attempt to fix my feelings


Please help restore my sanity, I am just too overwhelmed to know what to do. I should mention that my introverted feeling function hit me like an avalanche like a year ago (26 now) so that explains why I'm being so weak. I want to know what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, and what to do about it, and what your interpretation of the facts are. Part of me thinks I'm just imagining a fantasy with the INFP just because I have such little information and such a big imagination haha. Thanks so much for reading my long and likely incoherent post
 

RaptorWizard

Permabanned
Joined
Mar 19, 2012
Messages
5,895
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
INTJs I would think have girls at the bottom of their list and world domination at the top. Us INTPs don't care about either!
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,226
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
From what you wrote (the OP), you aren't even dating the INFP, just studying with her occasionally. She has no claims on your affections or attention. If you are more interested in her than the ENFP, start letting her see that interest. If she reciprocates, then it would be legitimate to forgo spending time with other girls. If she asks what was up with the ENFP, be honest. These things always look more complicated when you are the one embroiled in the middle of it.
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
make more of an effort with the infp...it's also possible enfp was just being friendly...she could very much like you and/or be drawn to you strongly...just as a person and it may not mean anything romantic.
infp person may very well lose interest if she thinks you're playing games...or if she thought you connected and now thinks it was in her head.
infps need to be chosen
enfps do the choosing ha
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
^ It's true. INFPs usually have to be pursued because they want to be pursued. To the OP: I think you've caught onto that.

1) I am sure the INFP was observing us at the bar, how did this look to her and what could she be thinking about how I feel about her? I am afraid she thinks I was playing a game and trying to make her jealous, and the thought of that makes me sad because of how delicate she appears

You can easily correct this by making your intentions towards her known. If this comes up, then you can causally make some statement showing that you're not interested in the ENFP in "that way".

2) Right now all I want to do is to get to know the INFP as quickly as possible..I just can't stop thinking about her. AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY! It's purely my gut controlling my actions. How do I do this? I've been talking with the ENFP on campus and she's great and all but I just need to pursue this first. I don't want to hurt the ENFPs feelings at all. In fact it just feels wrong whenever I'm talking with her and I get the feeling I may possibly be leading her on. And I also feel like I may have hurt the INFPs feelings. Whatever I do it looks like I'll just appear as an asshole

Start adjusting your behavior to be closer to your intentions, that's all. If you feel you've been sending the wrong signals, then change them. You don't have to go cold & rude on the ENFP, just make sure boundaries are clear, that you're not sending any "more then friends" interest signals. Hey, you could even ask her for advice on nabbing the INFP :D . That always sends a "I'm not into you like that" message. :tongue:

3) I need to figure out where I stand with the INFP immediately. What would be the best approach possible? I can't just be patient and see what happens, I need to take action. I just feel too much like absolute shit right now to not attempt to fix my feelings

INFPs often like directness in these matters, because we don't catch onto subtleties well in romance (poor Fe & a tendency to be overly humble). However, we can get overwhelmed easily too, so someone dumping something on us out of nowhere & wanting an answer immediately can be too much. I think you should just ask her for her phone number, & then call her to ask her out on a date later (but don't wait too long). Ask her in a private way (when no one else will witness it). Of course, just don't dive into asking her, but start the conversation off on some neutral thing & then end there with it (I don't really have to say that, do I? I never know what's obvious for INTx types or not in these matters). You're pretty sure she's interested in you, so don't bother wasting time feeling her out anymore.

And yeah, you can say what you feel...all that stuff like "I'd really like to get to know you". What a novel idea, hm, saying what you feel? :D

Also, INFPs are usually pretty sensitive to other people's feelings, so even if she's not interested, she'll probably be super nice in letting you down. There's not much to lose, but a lot to gain. I'd go with your instinct that she IS interested though, because INFPs are rarely the kind to send flirty signals of romantic interest by mistake (unlike ENFPs :cough: ).

EDIT: Oh yeah, because INFPs are introverted feeling types, it's not unusual for us to withdraw further into ourselves when we feel strongly affected by someone/something. Especially when young, this means seeming more contained & quiet with people we're attracted (what a curse!). This unfortunately sends the wrong signal. So it's safe to say that if you feel pretty sure she likes you, then her being extra quiet & less comfortable around you is more of a confirmation of her interest than anything. INFPs who seem aloof can be surprisingly approachable too; they're simply uncomfortable with their own feeling, & so they react to that by ignoring what is triggering it, but it will be a greater relief if they're given a real outlet.
 

xenaprincess

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 7, 2011
Messages
5,178
MBTI Type
infp
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Also, INFPs are usually pretty sensitive to other people's feelings, so even if she's not interested, she'll probably be super nice in letting you down. There's not much to lose, but a lot to gain. I'd go with your instinct that she IS interested though, because INFPs are rarely the kind to send flirty signals of romantic interest by mistake (unlike ENFPs :cough: ).

I agree completely.

I'm an INFP and my SO is an INTJ. It can certainly work, since INTJ's are direct, sometimes brutally so.
The pairing is not w/o it's challenges, since they are polar opposites (I have the scars to prove it). The challenges make you grow.

INFPs can be especially shy with strangers that they have romantic interest in.

Good luck and have fun!!!! :D
 

Starry

Active member
Joined
May 22, 2010
Messages
6,103
I'm confused as to why the ENFP is even factoring into this equation in the first place...(unless you are merely wanting to keep her on the back-burner until you discover what is up with the INFP - which is kinda a lame thing to do but whatever).

The answer here is surprisingly simple. You...ask...the INFP...out.
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I'm confused as to why the ENFP is even factoring into this equation in the first place...(unless you are merely wanting to keep her on the back-burner until you discover what is up with the INFP - which is kinda a lame thing to do but whatever).

The answer here is surprisingly simple. You...ask...the INFP...out.

yeah right? unless i guess it's to ask if it would upset infp girl?? which yeah i'd think it would.

and enfps often are very enthusiastically interested in people...i happen to think it's awesome and resent it being painted negatively. :p
 

Turtledove

New member
Joined
Sep 8, 2011
Messages
359
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
The answer here is surprisingly simple. You...ask...the INFP...out.


clapplz.gif
 

Starry

Active member
Joined
May 22, 2010
Messages
6,103
...enfps often are very enthusiastically interested in people...i happen to think it's awesome and resent it being painted negatively. :p

Me as well. And I am also completely baffled by it sometimes...and it ends up making me feel sad inside...like are we so separated as people in our society...that merely talking to someone and smiling and being legitimately interested in what they have to say...this somehow qualifies as being 'flirtatious' and subsequently 'misleading'? So weird - so sad.


Haha Turtledove! I like that clapping guy.
 

INTJguy123

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2012
Messages
19
MBTI Type
INTJ
Thanks everyone for the responses, they were very helpful and have made me realize that this situation is not as complex as I'm making it out to be

At this point I just don't know how exactly to show the INFP I like her. I feel like asking her out at this point would be way too early, and that she may want to know more about me to feel comfortable enough to want to give it a shot. Even if she said yes, I would prefer to work out the nervousness of our interaction before an official date. But then again, I don't wanna play things too slow. I'm literally getting 0 feedback and that's the issue here, it's just a wild guess as to what I need to do

But here is one thing that I am afraid of...what if the INFP has noticed the increased friendly attention the ENFP has been giving me, and the INFP thinks that I'm rushing things with her so I can use the ENFP as a backup if it fails? Does that make sense? This is not the case by the way to answer one of the previous posters. You have to realize that I am an INTJ and I have no idea what I am doing in a situation like this haha. I don't know how I feel about the ENFP but our connection was real. I feel more strongly about the INFP but our connection has yet to be made but my gut tells me it will be successful..and this sounds absolutely ridiculous to me
 

Mia.

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2012
Messages
821
Thanks everyone for the responses, they were very helpful and have made me realize that this situation is not as complex as I'm making it out to be

At this point I just don't know how exactly to show the INFP I like her. I feel like asking her out at this point would be way too early, and that she may want to know more about me to feel comfortable enough to want to give it a shot. Even if she said yes, I would prefer to work out the nervousness of our interaction before an official date. But then again, I don't wanna play things too slow. I'm literally getting 0 feedback and that's the issue here, it's just a wild guess as to what I need to do

But here is one thing that I am afraid of...what if the INFP has noticed the increased friendly attention the ENFP has been giving me, and the INFP thinks that I'm rushing things with her so I can use the ENFP as a backup if it fails? Does that make sense? This is not the case by the way to answer one of the previous posters. You have to realize that I am an INTJ and I have no idea what I am doing in a situation like this haha. I don't know how I feel about the ENFP but our connection was real. I feel more strongly about the INFP but our connection has yet to be made but my gut tells me it will be successful..and this sounds absolutely ridiculous to me

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all.

Just reserving a spot for a comment. I'll be back when I have more time.
 

PeaceBaby

reborn
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
5,950
MBTI Type
N/A
Enneagram
N/A
Thanks everyone for the responses, they were very helpful and have made me realize that this situation is not as complex as I'm making it out to be

At this point I just don't know how exactly to show the INFP I like her. I feel like asking her out at this point would be way too early, and that she may want to know more about me to feel comfortable enough to want to give it a shot. Even if she said yes, I would prefer to work out the nervousness of our interaction before an official date. But then again, I don't wanna play things too slow. I'm literally getting 0 feedback and that's the issue here, it's just a wild guess as to what I need to do

But here is one thing that I am afraid of...what if the INFP has noticed the increased friendly attention the ENFP has been giving me, and the INFP thinks that I'm rushing things with her so I can use the ENFP as a backup if it fails? Does that make sense? This is not the case by the way to answer one of the previous posters. You have to realize that I am an INTJ and I have no idea what I am doing in a situation like this haha. I don't know how I feel about the ENFP but our connection was real. I feel more strongly about the INFP but our connection has yet to be made but my gut tells me it will be successful..and this sounds absolutely ridiculous to me

You're over-thinking it. Find out some activity the INFP takes pleasure in (going to a solarium, a museum, the movies, a favorite restaurant) and just ask her to join you.

Done.

Seriously. Trust me on this.

Plus, I do have to state I have never been an INFP who lets the man makes all the moves, be chased per se. I felt an attraction, approached my to-be-husband, and got chatty. But after I sent out the signals, that was all he needed. So, she has conversations with you, smiles, enjoys your company? I would say that's enough of a signal for you that all you need to do is actually take the next logical step.

Do it man!
 

xenaprincess

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 7, 2011
Messages
5,178
MBTI Type
infp
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
well, the ENFP factored into the equation in the situation the OP described. He was worried about the appearance of things.

The OP, as an INTJ, is not comfy with something that is not resolved. I agree, don't overthink it because you might just make it more or less than it really is. And then it will become ridiculous.

Next time you see her, I mean, the very, very, very next time, all you have to say is....'Hi'.

That's all you need. Just Hi, and stand there. Don't do this while you're in motion, because she might not stop to talk, if she thinks you're not stopping. Stop your feet and turn toward her.

Follow this with...How's it goin'?....and it will roll from there.

It's not easy, I know, especially for introverts. But 'Hi' gets you a lot. Or even 'Hey'. :newwink:
 

Valiant

Courage is immortality
Joined
Jul 7, 2007
Messages
3,895
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
8w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Awww! :D

INFPs can be so damn cute. ENFPs, too, don't get me wrong... But with INFPs you can pretty much be sure that you have all their whimsical attention if you're the person they like.
They're often pure in a way that few others tend to be. Just don't hurt her or abuse her trust. Get to know her and show your interest. Don't be desperate, but don't give other ladies the same attention. Let her take first place in your priority list.
 

Starry

Active member
Joined
May 22, 2010
Messages
6,103
well, the ENFP factored into the equation in the situation the OP described. He was worried about the appearance of things.

I appreciate the explanation but when I read things like this from the OP...

I don't feel this way about the ENFP as much but still see a potential there, but my reality may be skewed temporarily so I'm ignoring that for now

...this is where I got the notion of 'back burner'. Thanks.
 

INTJguy123

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2012
Messages
19
MBTI Type
INTJ
Ok...I will try to just talk to her the next time I see her. I just get very nervous when I see her and that ruins my plans haha

OrangeAppled and Xenaprincess, I especially appreciate your responses. Trust me, I have been wanting to simply just say hi but I'm afraid that the conversation may just flop dead and I'll look like an idiot because I won't know what to say. I've been looking for eye contact to invite me in but I'm not getting that now like I was before, so that's what has made it difficult.

Gonna give it a try though soon and see what happens :blush:

EDIT: And yes, Valiant, the purity and authentic vibe I'm getting is absolutely what is driving me in so strongly, like never before
 

xenaprincess

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 7, 2011
Messages
5,178
MBTI Type
infp
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
it's funny... (or maybe not that funny). I've been in those situations where I have had such idealized crushes on guys. I don't recall them coming up to me to say hi. I think I can be quite unapproachable to those I'm interested in. Very self-protective.

so how have I met fellas? well, it's been more indirect. Like I am sitting somewhere, engrossed in something, and the fella is sitting nearby. And somehow a conversation starts. My being caught off guard helps.

but seriously, if she is interested, you will not look like an idiot (to her, haha).
 

Mia.

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2012
Messages
821
So I guess here are my questions.
I am sure the INFP was observing us at the bar, how did this look to her and what could she be thinking about how I feel about her? I am afraid she thinks I was playing a game and trying to make her jealous, and the thought of that makes me sad because of how delicate she appears

It's possible that she ended up with an inaccurate impression that would benefit from correction. I know if I saw something like this I might assume one or several of these: 1.) the guy isn’t interested, 2.) even if he is interested, he’s just as interested in several other girls, thus it’s not like I’m special or anything 3.) he’s a player, he flirts with everyone, again, not special 4.) she’s going to end up with him because she’s more direct and less reserved, 5.) he’s playing games, and I’m terrible at games and I don’t like them… I can’t keep this up.

Any of these thoughts would lead me to start dismantling and reducing the strength of any attraction I had to prevent being hurt.

The only correction necessary would be to ask her out and focus your attention on her from now on, in a direct but relaxed way, and only mention the ENFP if it comes up.

^ It's true. INFPs usually have to be pursued because they want to be pursued. To the OP: I think you've caught onto that.
You can easily correct this by making your intentions towards her known.

Start adjusting your behavior to be closer to your intentions, that's all. INFPs often like directness in these matters, because we don't catch onto subtleties well in romance
(poor Fe & a tendency to be overly humble).

make more of an effort with the infp...it's also possible enfp was just being friendly...she could very much like you and/or be drawn to you strongly...just as a person and it may not mean anything romantic.
infp person may very well lose interest if she thinks you're playing games...or if she thought you connected and now thinks it was in her head.
infps need to be chosen
enfps do the choosing ha

This is very accurate. Being chosen by someone we are attracted to gives us the environment we need to be expressive as well as let our attraction grow. Otherwise we have too many doubts.

3) I need to figure out where I stand with the INFP immediately. What would be the best approach possible? I can't just be patient and see what happens, I need to take action. I just feel too much like absolute shit right now to not attempt to fix my feelings

What Peacebaby writes here is gold…

You're over-thinking it. Find out some activity the INFP takes pleasure in (going to a solarium, a museum, the movies, a favorite restaurant) and just ask her to join you.

Done.

Seriously. Trust me on this.

Plus, I do have to state I have never been an INFP who lets the man makes all the moves, be chased per se. I felt an attraction, approached my to-be-husband, and got chatty. But after I sent out the signals, that was all he needed. So, she has conversations with you, smiles, enjoys your company? I would say that's enough of a signal for you that all you need to do is actually take the next logical step.

Do it man!



^. I'd go with your instinct that she IS interested though, because INFPs are rarely the kind to send flirty signals of romantic interest by mistake (unlike ENFPs :cough: ).

EDIT: Oh yeah, because INFPs are introverted feeling types, it's not unusual for us to withdraw further into ourselves when we feel strongly affected by someone/something. Especially when young, this means seeming more contained & quiet with people we're attracted (what a curse!). This unfortunately sends the wrong signal. So it's safe to say that if you feel pretty sure she likes you, then her being extra quiet & less comfortable around you is more of a confirmation of her interest than anything. INFPs who seem aloof can be surprisingly approachable too; they're simply uncomfortable with their own feeling, & so they react to that by ignoring what is triggering it, but it will be a greater relief if they're given a real outlet.

All true, especially the bold.

Awww! :D

INFPs can be so damn cute. ENFPs, too, don't get me wrong... But with INFPs you can pretty much be sure that you have all their whimsical attention if you're the person they like.
They're often pure in a way that few others tend to be. Just don't hurt her or abuse her trust. Get to know her and show your interest. Don't be desperate, but don't give other ladies the same attention. Let her take first place in your priority list.

Absolutely to the bolded.

EDIT: And yes, Valiant, the purity and authentic vibe I'm getting is absolutely what is driving me in so strongly, like never before

Rest assured the feeling is likely mutual since NFPs and NTJs seem to have a natural affinity for each other.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
Your relationship with the INFP is entirely in your head. Please make a move swiftly if you actually plan to date her in reality. If she asks about the ENFP, explain to her that nothing happened between you, because you've liked her for a while and would like to get to know her.

Be kind but direct about your lack of romantic interest with the ENFP if she even remembers you exist.
 
Top