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  1. #1
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    Default INTJ guy in a situation with an ENFP girl and an INFP girl

    Ok...where to start...there is an INFP girl my age at my grad school who I haven't really paid attention to all year. Thinking back on it now, I remember her sending obvious eye contact and subtle smiles randomly but I just didn't think anything of these things. After all, we had never talked so I guess I didn't even analyze it. But anyways..recently she smiled at me big and I was just overwhelmed. I knew
    there was a connection to be made. After analyzing a few other details plus the history, I am sure she was sending me signals and probably for a while, just not sure what kind. This girl is super, super introverted. I've approached her a few times (note: I don't do this sort of thing.. I had no choice. I have never felt so driven) and we've studied together, and my gut tells me she enjoys my presence even though it's been very quiet (a comfortable quiet). She acts weird around me, almost like she's trying to ignore me. But I have a OVERWHELMING gut feeling that she is into me. Yes it probably seems like I'm just wanting this to be true but boy my intuition NEVER fails me. Yet she just seems very unapproachable even though she looks comfortable around everyone else. I seriously can't stop thinking about her, and feel physically ill not knowing what the deal is and not being sure how to open up to her and vice versa. The way I feel when I look at her is indescribable. I don't feel this way about the ENFP as much but still see a potential there, but my reality may be skewed temporarily so I'm ignoring that for now


    So now for the fun part...a big group of us went out this weekend. I looked forward all week to be in a relaxing environment involving alcohol and be able to run with this and see where it goes. My plan for the night was 100% to get to know her better and vice versa. So I show up at the bar, and an ENFP in our
    class (who I have been getting 0 signals from) is all over me. At this point I'm super confused. Any other time and I would have thought I was the luckiest dude..having a girl do so much of the work. So anyways, I actually had a great time talking with this girl and literally talked to her the entire night without even giving thought to it really (physically attractive as well, both these girls are). We went back to her place and hung out, didn't do anything even though I could've easily...it just did not feel right. Rewind one week and I would've gone for it without a doubt. At the bar I wanted to talk to the INFP, but

    1)She was in a group of people the whole time
    2)How the hell do you make that transition without looking like a complete asshole to the ENFP that you've been having such a great time with and sending her signals as well (inadvertently)?

    So I guess here are my questions.
    1) I am sure the INFP was observing us at the bar, how did this look to her and what could she be thinking about how I feel about her? I am afraid she thinks I was playing a game and trying to make her jealous, and the thought of that makes me sad because of how delicate she appears

    2) Right now all I want to do is to get to know the INFP as quickly as possible..I just can't stop thinking about her. AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY! It's purely my gut controlling my actions. How do I do this? I've been talking with the ENFP on campus and she's great and all but I just need to pursue this first. I don't want to hurt the ENFPs feelings at all. In fact it just feels wrong whenever I'm talking with her and I get the feeling I may possibly be leading her on. And I also feel like I may have hurt the INFPs feelings. Whatever I do it looks like I'll just appear as an asshole

    3) I need to figure out where I stand with the INFP immediately. What would be the best approach possible? I can't just be patient and see what happens, I need to take action. I just feel too much like absolute shit right now to not attempt to fix my feelings


    Please help restore my sanity, I am just too overwhelmed to know what to do. I should mention that my introverted feeling function hit me like an avalanche like a year ago (26 now) so that explains why I'm being so weak. I want to know what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, and what to do about it, and what your interpretation of the facts are. Part of me thinks I'm just imagining a fantasy with the INFP just because I have such little information and such a big imagination haha. Thanks so much for reading my long and likely incoherent post

  2. #2
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    INTJs I would think have girls at the bottom of their list and world domination at the top. Us INTPs don't care about either!

  3. #3
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    From what you wrote (the OP), you aren't even dating the INFP, just studying with her occasionally. She has no claims on your affections or attention. If you are more interested in her than the ENFP, start letting her see that interest. If she reciprocates, then it would be legitimate to forgo spending time with other girls. If she asks what was up with the ENFP, be honest. These things always look more complicated when you are the one embroiled in the middle of it.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  4. #4
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    make more of an effort with the infp...it's also possible enfp was just being friendly...she could very much like you and/or be drawn to you strongly...just as a person and it may not mean anything romantic.
    infp person may very well lose interest if she thinks you're playing games...or if she thought you connected and now thinks it was in her head.
    infps need to be chosen
    enfps do the choosing ha
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  5. #5
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    ^ It's true. INFPs usually have to be pursued because they want to be pursued. To the OP: I think you've caught onto that.

    1) I am sure the INFP was observing us at the bar, how did this look to her and what could she be thinking about how I feel about her? I am afraid she thinks I was playing a game and trying to make her jealous, and the thought of that makes me sad because of how delicate she appears
    You can easily correct this by making your intentions towards her known. If this comes up, then you can causally make some statement showing that you're not interested in the ENFP in "that way".

    2) Right now all I want to do is to get to know the INFP as quickly as possible..I just can't stop thinking about her. AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY! It's purely my gut controlling my actions. How do I do this? I've been talking with the ENFP on campus and she's great and all but I just need to pursue this first. I don't want to hurt the ENFPs feelings at all. In fact it just feels wrong whenever I'm talking with her and I get the feeling I may possibly be leading her on. And I also feel like I may have hurt the INFPs feelings. Whatever I do it looks like I'll just appear as an asshole
    Start adjusting your behavior to be closer to your intentions, that's all. If you feel you've been sending the wrong signals, then change them. You don't have to go cold & rude on the ENFP, just make sure boundaries are clear, that you're not sending any "more then friends" interest signals. Hey, you could even ask her for advice on nabbing the INFP . That always sends a "I'm not into you like that" message.

    3) I need to figure out where I stand with the INFP immediately. What would be the best approach possible? I can't just be patient and see what happens, I need to take action. I just feel too much like absolute shit right now to not attempt to fix my feelings
    INFPs often like directness in these matters, because we don't catch onto subtleties well in romance (poor Fe & a tendency to be overly humble). However, we can get overwhelmed easily too, so someone dumping something on us out of nowhere & wanting an answer immediately can be too much. I think you should just ask her for her phone number, & then call her to ask her out on a date later (but don't wait too long). Ask her in a private way (when no one else will witness it). Of course, just don't dive into asking her, but start the conversation off on some neutral thing & then end there with it (I don't really have to say that, do I? I never know what's obvious for INTx types or not in these matters). You're pretty sure she's interested in you, so don't bother wasting time feeling her out anymore.

    And yeah, you can say what you feel...all that stuff like "I'd really like to get to know you". What a novel idea, hm, saying what you feel?

    Also, INFPs are usually pretty sensitive to other people's feelings, so even if she's not interested, she'll probably be super nice in letting you down. There's not much to lose, but a lot to gain. I'd go with your instinct that she IS interested though, because INFPs are rarely the kind to send flirty signals of romantic interest by mistake (unlike ENFPs :cough: ).

    EDIT: Oh yeah, because INFPs are introverted feeling types, it's not unusual for us to withdraw further into ourselves when we feel strongly affected by someone/something. Especially when young, this means seeming more contained & quiet with people we're attracted (what a curse!). This unfortunately sends the wrong signal. So it's safe to say that if you feel pretty sure she likes you, then her being extra quiet & less comfortable around you is more of a confirmation of her interest than anything. INFPs who seem aloof can be surprisingly approachable too; they're simply uncomfortable with their own feeling, & so they react to that by ignoring what is triggering it, but it will be a greater relief if they're given a real outlet.
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  6. #6
    yap yap yap xenaprincess's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Also, INFPs are usually pretty sensitive to other people's feelings, so even if she's not interested, she'll probably be super nice in letting you down. There's not much to lose, but a lot to gain. I'd go with your instinct that she IS interested though, because INFPs are rarely the kind to send flirty signals of romantic interest by mistake (unlike ENFPs :cough: ).
    I agree completely.

    I'm an INFP and my SO is an INTJ. It can certainly work, since INTJ's are direct, sometimes brutally so.
    The pairing is not w/o it's challenges, since they are polar opposites (I have the scars to prove it). The challenges make you grow.

    INFPs can be especially shy with strangers that they have romantic interest in.

    Good luck and have fun!!!!

  7. #7
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    I'm confused as to why the ENFP is even factoring into this equation in the first place...(unless you are merely wanting to keep her on the back-burner until you discover what is up with the INFP - which is kinda a lame thing to do but whatever).

    The answer here is surprisingly simple. You...ask...the INFP...out.

  8. #8
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    I'm confused as to why the ENFP is even factoring into this equation in the first place...(unless you are merely wanting to keep her on the back-burner until you discover what is up with the INFP - which is kinda a lame thing to do but whatever).

    The answer here is surprisingly simple. You...ask...the INFP...out.
    yeah right? unless i guess it's to ask if it would upset infp girl?? which yeah i'd think it would.

    and enfps often are very enthusiastically interested in people...i happen to think it's awesome and resent it being painted negatively. :p
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  9. #9
    Senior Member Turtledove's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    The answer here is surprisingly simple. You...ask...the INFP...out.

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  10. #10
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    ...enfps often are very enthusiastically interested in people...i happen to think it's awesome and resent it being painted negatively. :p
    Me as well. And I am also completely baffled by it sometimes...and it ends up making me feel sad inside...like are we so separated as people in our society...that merely talking to someone and smiling and being legitimately interested in what they have to say...this somehow qualifies as being 'flirtatious' and subsequently 'misleading'? So weird - so sad.

    Quote Originally Posted by Turtledove View Post
    Haha Turtledove! I like that clapping guy.

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