alright, so i seem to have two extremes of unhealthy states i can't quite bridge:
- on one end, the light hearted and fun social engineering, which was my second nature as a teen but seems to get harder and harder the more personal and emotionally loaded the matters of life become, the steaks just keep on rising.
- on the other extreme, there's the need to genuinely connect with people, and i can't get myself to respect people when i feel i need to tactically meanuver around their psychology, i feel i need to be able to be open and honest about what i think, and expect the same, which is great when those are all good, but i maintain that need no matter how mean cruel those thoughts might me, i need it in order to trust that the relationship can grow.
and this got bad - after some heavy thoughts about my broken marriage, i am realizing that despite all the specifics that where said, my wife was looking for an escuse to break us up for our last 5 months, i was constantly taking it away from her, but i think the real reason was that...
well, let's just say that if i ever got into another conflict with her, this is what i'd really want to say, and be able to do so honestly:
and i think this is what she couldn't live with. i took it for granted, i always have it in my head, it keeps my ideals for others grounded to the acceptance of my own faults, it keeps me working on myself, it keeps my expectations reasonable, for the most part, it keeps me from treating those closest to me unfairly. and honestly i don't know of any other way to grow as a person but this.come on honey, we both know how this works.
you judge me for not not fitting an ideal of yours, i remind you of aspects of your behaviors and show you how far away from it you are, you judge me for something i did, i bring up cases of you doing the same, and most of the time cases where you exemplifying them first. you judge me for disagreeing with how i judge you, and i explain what actions and behaviors that you've done rationally lead me to think that is who you are despite my emotional bias against accepting it and i how you reinforced it since. as long as i am there, there's always a mirror showing you the worst of yourself whenever you look for it in me, and from the moment things became tough, you couldn't not look for it in me.
but as far as delivering i need an alternative route - i need the ability to tell someone something negative - perhaps by their own standards, and perhaps by because its hurtful or destructive to me or others involved - without making them feel like crap, without invalidating their feelings behind their actions, but in a way that would encourage them to consider my perspective and possibly use that information for their benefit as well as the benefit of the relationships.
TL;DR i need the ability to social engineer openness and honesty.
and i am not sure how do i do that.