I get the ‘real time’ delay too. And what is especially strange to me is how that uncertainty spreads equally from the things that common sense may dictate are ‘clearly’ offensive (like if someone comes up to me, out of the blue, and shoves my shoulder) to things that are offensive to me in a way that no one else picks up on (if someone says something and I ‘pick up’ on some kind of self-serving intentions or deceit). About the latter: sometimes I’ll realize that I had a bad reaction for my own reasons and what the other person said/did wasn’t offensive in itself- other times I’ll reach the conclusion that it more than likely was the person being selfish or deceitful- but it’s incredibly hard for me to have an opinion about it immediately (unless I’ve been in similar situations before and already have a lot of cognitive legwork in storage/stored experience on the matter). About the former, though (where something is ‘offensive’ by common standards), it ceases to amaze me in retrospect sometimes how I didn’t immediately recognize that something was indeed disrespectful or deceitful. I mean I sensed it, but my point is that- in the moment it’s happening- I’ll just feel a bit stunned (proportionately) and think “why did that happen?”
I don’t know how common that ‘in real time’ delay is to all INFJs, but I know I’ve seen it irl INFJ friends as well. We’ve gone on several ‘wth?’ tangents to each other about it. Like fid said, it’s worst when I’m emotionally invested (in some way) in a person. But it happens where there’s no emotional investment too.
Starry (she’s camping now, but I kinda want her to see this when she gets back) asking me about something like this. She was astounded by something she read elsewhere, some INFJ had written a thing about how- even if they know the other person likes them- they’ll avoid interaction with someone they’re interested in. And I’m not sure I was able to explain it well, but I could definitely relate to ‘avoiding someone, even if I know they’re interested’. Ha-ha.