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  1. #1
    Society
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    Default how do you let go of anger?

    i am facing the unavoidable fact that i have an excruciatingly hard time letting go of my anger at my ex-wife.

    i want to forgive her, let go, move on, and one day hopefully be able to talk to her with a sound mind, without the hate and anger pushing out my extreme judgement of her character in what i think of what she has done.

    at times i still care for her, i feel so sorry for the pain i have caused her. but at other times there's so much anger in storage, there's so many answers to things she has said that i couldn't say because i felt like i was walking on egg shells at the time... judge her for how much pain she has caused me before, how hypocritical she is in all she judges me with for having done, for how she has treated me when we where together, for how much she disappointed me.

    and this is where i can barely recognize myself: at times - right now - i am finding myself fantasizing about causing her pain, i would never do it to my son, yet i wish i could somehow drug her into the nightmare world where she would experience loosing him the way i did. i want her to feel the humiliation and indignity i took every time she allowed herself to slap me. i want to go through the bad times at the end of the relationship and be the mirror to all her cruelty. other times, those fantasizing of hurting her manifest sexually, in extreme ways which i probably shouldn't describe here in any detail...

    and... none of that would ever happen. the most basic requirement for me to even be able to speak to her level headed one day is that i don't feel like this anymore, and regardless of her... for my own sanity, for my own health, i need to find a way to get rid of this.

    and i don't know how. i've being rebuilding my life, i've being writing stuff down as an outlet, i've being brainstorming possibilities for her side and experiences and what she felt so that i may more easily forgive her, i've being going to therapy, i've being running 40 km a day and doing push ups... nothing works.

  2. #2
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're going through this and I know I have nothing I can say that will help. I don't think it's a good idea to try to suppress it because it will eat you alive from the inside, so the best way is to try to find a healthy outlet for it. I think as time heals the pain, the anger will slowly go away as well.

    You might have answered this somewhere else, but what are you really angry about? Are you angry, or just really, really hurt? She is not a healthy individual. Her mind is ill, and it clouds her soul from the truth, and from the path to growth and maturity, and to true love. Perhaps she wasn't loved enough. Perhaps she wasn't loved the right way. So something was broken in her, and it is preventing her from becoming a better person. What hurts? Are you angry because you feel powerless and vulnerable? Are you angry because she is blissfully ignorant of the pain she is causing you? I think anger is a secondary emotion. There is a deeper cause. Fear? Fear of what?

    I think it's okay to think about it and try to understand it more. At least that works in my case. Most of the time when I'm angry I'm not really angry. I'm afraid, I'm hurt...
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  3. #3
    Member melomania's Avatar
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    ^^

    I agree that anger is definitely a mask that hides other emotions, like feeling despair or fear or humiliation. It sounds like maybe the latter would be what is causing all of this anger to manifest.

    Here's the thing...You can't exercise your anger away, and it's not gonna go away while you're trying to distract yourself with other things. You have to face your feelings head on and you have to remember that you have a choice in all of this. You can choose to be happy despite what has happened to you. You can choose to no longer be a victim, but to be in control of your life and your feelings. You can even fake it till you make it like the saying goes. There was a study done somewhere that proved you could be a happier person just by telling yourself positive things EVEN IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE THEY ARE TRUE. Eventually, after you habitually repeat some positive mantras on a daily basis, your brain can actually start to naturally think that way. Pretty cool, huh?

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    I think it's an unfortunate fact that time will take it away, and, it's just about finding ways to cope with it the meantime - like you are doing with the running. However, I think it can't be rushed. It has to be experienced.

    Also, I recommend meditation- any kind of mindfulness techniques. And download Headspace to your phone app.

  5. #5
    I could do things Hard's Avatar
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    It just kinda happens.
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    Something else grabs my attention.

  7. #7
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    How do I let go of anger?

    By realising that the ego is perpetually offended and will find no end of things to be angry about. I meditate to teach my ego that it isn't in control and needs to make way for a different awareness.

    But I have been in your shoes and it took 3yrs for things to get to a state where the above was possible. I can't think right now of how I could have done things differently to be honest.

  8. #8
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Society View Post
    i am facing the unavoidable fact that i have an excruciatingly hard time letting go of my anger at my ex-wife.

    i want to forgive her, let go, move on, and one day hopefully be able to talk to her with a sound mind, without the hate and anger pushing out my extreme judgement of her character in what i think of what she has done.

    at times i still care for her, i feel so sorry for the pain i have caused her. but at other times there's so much anger in storage, there's so many answers to things she has said that i couldn't say because i felt like i was walking on egg shells at the time... judge her for how much pain she has caused me before, how hypocritical she is in all she judges me with for having done, for how she has treated me when we where together, for how much she disappointed me.

    and this is where i can barely recognize myself: at times - right now - i am finding myself fantasizing about causing her pain, i would never do it to my son, yet i wish i could somehow drug her into the nightmare world where she would experience loosing him the way i did. i want her to feel the humiliation and indignity i took every time she allowed herself to slap me. i want to go through the bad times at the end of the relationship and be the mirror to all her cruelty. other times, those fantasizing of hurting her manifest sexually, in extreme ways which i probably shouldn't describe here in any detail...

    and... none of that would ever happen. the most basic requirement for me to even be able to speak to her level headed one day is that i don't feel like this anymore, and regardless of her... for my own sanity, for my own health, i need to find a way to get rid of this.

    and i don't know how. i've being rebuilding my life, i've being writing stuff down as an outlet, i've being brainstorming possibilities for her side and experiences and what she felt so that i may more easily forgive her, i've being going to therapy, i've being running 40 km a day and doing push ups... nothing works.
    I am sorry too.

    Without knowing anything about the situation, I can only tell you that I don't think - in most cases - people really mean to cause us the pain they do. It's usually because they are in pain themselves. Not that it's any excuse. It sounds like whatever happened, it was a crappy situation. I don't know the answer other than to do everything in your power to prevent yourself from getting into one.
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