i am facing the unavoidable fact that i have an excruciatingly hard time letting go of my anger at my ex-wife.
i want to forgive her, let go, move on, and one day hopefully be able to talk to her with a sound mind, without the hate and anger pushing out my extreme judgement of her character in what i think of what she has done.
at times i still care for her, i feel so sorry for the pain i have caused her. but at other times there's so much anger in storage, there's so many answers to things she has said that i couldn't say because i felt like i was walking on egg shells at the time... judge her for how much pain she has caused me before, how hypocritical she is in all she judges me with for having done, for how she has treated me when we where together, for how much she disappointed me.
and this is where i can barely recognize myself: at times - right now - i am finding myself fantasizing about causing her pain, i would never do it to my son, yet i wish i could somehow drug her into the nightmare world where she would experience loosing him the way i did. i want her to feel the humiliation and indignity i took every time she allowed herself to slap me. i want to go through the bad times at the end of the relationship and be the mirror to all her cruelty. other times, those fantasizing of hurting her manifest sexually, in extreme ways which i probably shouldn't describe here in any detail...
and... none of that would ever happen. the most basic requirement for me to even be able to speak to her level headed one day is that i don't feel like this anymore, and regardless of her... for my own sanity, for my own health, i need to find a way to get rid of this.
and i don't know how. i've being rebuilding my life, i've being writing stuff down as an outlet, i've being brainstorming possibilities for her side and experiences and what she felt so that i may more easily forgive her, i've being going to therapy, i've being running 40 km a day and doing push ups... nothing works.