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Thread: INFJ/INFJ relationship - need advice, please?

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Mar 2012

    Default INFJ/INFJ relationship - need advice, please?

    This is my first post, so patience, please:-)

    I am a female taurus, INFJ (with definite leanings toward E and P) and a 4w5, dating (I think) a female cancer, INFJ, 4w3. We met four months ago at church, literally at the altar, and haven't stopped talking since. Both of us have experienced relatively recent breakups in longterm relationships and both of us are wary, much more her, than I. I am ready to jump right in, damn the torpedos, because I've never met anyone whose mind was so similar to mine. SHE is of the stance - we need to get to know each other first, get past the infatuation to the deeper feelings beyond, no complications (physical) until we get to know each other. I get it....and agree. Things were going great til about 6 weeks ago when stress hit her hard, and I mean HARD. Not just one thing, but pretty much something big in every area of her life. Since then, she's distanced herself and withdrawn completely into herself. Yes, we still talk a lot every day, but we haven't gone 'out' in ages, she just goes home to her 'cave' to sleep. I see her at church, and when we have her kids, but that's about it.

    Yes, being an INFJ myself, I DO understand all this and that isn't truly the big issue. Searching my own behaviors, I realize this is totally normal. MY confusion arises from the fact that I, personally, have never undergone significant stress while in the process of beginning a new relationship. So, my mind is going nuts. I am supporting her in every way I can. I listen, I help out, I do whatever. I don't ask for anything. I don't bitch, I don't complain. I'm just...there. I'm also feeling very unappreciated and used. I am giving everything I have but getting nothing back. And of course, I read disaster into everything. I simply can't stop my mind from coming up with worst-case scenarios. She has given no indication that she is uninterested in me, no indication that her feelings have changed...I am just paranoid as hell!

    I don't want to say anything, as she is going thru such a difficult time, but I'm also afraid to keep these feelings bottled up. I know what damage that can do to a relationship. I keep thinking if she didn't want me around - wouldn't she show it?

    How strange is this, lol??? I am in a relationship with someone who is the other half of me but I don't trust what I'm seeing/feeling/hearing - am I not trusting myself or her???? Anyway, I would love to hear from anyone who's gone thru anything like this with their INFJ person and what they suggest or advise...


  2. #2
    Senior Member Array
    Join Date
    Feb 2009


    Well, that behavior is common probably amongst NF's in general when they're under stress. One of my friends who is an ENFJ, if he is depressed, he does not even like to get out of bed. He will literally spend almost all day in bed by himself whenever possible.

    Anyway, I understand what your predicament. You don't want to hurt your partner but you also do not like being ignored by them. This is pretty normal. Communication is important, though. The important thing is how you present your feelings. Like, if you came across in a very abrasive way, sure that wouldn't go over very well. On the other hand, if you express yourself with a sense of understanding and compassion towards someone, they tend to be much more receptive.

    Pat yourself on the back for being a good person. A lot of people who are down, no one will take the time to think about their situation and help them out. There are a lot of people like that in the world; they sure do love you when everything's going well. But if there are any reverses, and in some cases simply moments of being "stuck," these people are no longer around.

    So, in short, communicate, but be tactful about it, I would say. Hope this helps!
    A hero is someone who does the right thing without expectation of reward, just because it's the right thing to do.

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