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  1. #1
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    Default INFJ questions about married ENFP

    I recently ended a friendship with a married ENFP I met a few years ago, and the whole experience was kind of crazy and extremely confusing. (Confusing mostly on account of the fact that he is an ENFP. No doubt you are probably shaking your head right now and thinking I'm terribly naive for believing he might have had any feelings for me beyond those which ENFPs seem to have for everyone. Which is fair enough, really, because I thought the same for two years. But I can assure you, you do not have all the facts.)

    Unfortunately, given the nature of the situation, and the fact that some of the information might be revealing, I'm rather paranoid about posting the entire story, publicly, on the Internet. (Self-preservation and all that.) I just feel very lost right now, and I'd really appreciate some insight from you ENFPs--and maybe other INFJs who have had experiences with ENFPs.

    I know these questions will seem vague without any context, but I thought I'd throw them out anyway. I guess if you have more specific queries about the guy in question, I can try to answer them for you.

    ENFPs (males, especially), do you think two people can have "emotional affair"? As such an emotionally-intense type, can you ever be too emotionally intimate with a person, even if you have a SO? And if any of you are married, in particular, how have you had to change the way you interact with members of the opposite sex--if at all?

    (Another question that sounds random but is actually relevant: Do any ENFPs have a tendency to engage in risky and/or self-destructive behaviors when depressed?)

    I might be crazy for making this my very first post, but you all seem lovely, so.

  2. #2
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Am I to infer that the gist of your question has to do with the fact that you believed he led you on?
    ENFP with kick*ss Te | 7w8 so | ♀

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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    Am I to infer that the gist of your question has to do with the fact that you believed he led you on?
    I didn't quite know what to make of it either. Although I did get a good laugh when I first read this post (not that I believe it is necessarily appropriate to laugh in this case...)...when I read..."Do any ENFPs have a tendency to engage in risky and/or self-destructive behaviors when depressed?" My thought was...well we have a tendency to do this when we are NOT depressed so... haha.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    Am I to infer that the gist of your question has to do with the fact that you believed he led you on?
    Oh, no. I thought this for a long time, but I'm pretty certain he had legitimate feelings for me. (Or maybe that's what you meant by "led me on.") Lots of reasons for my saying this, but the biggest being: 1. He never directly acknowledged to me that he was married, even though we both knew that I knew this. 2. On the one occasion he had to introduce me to his wife, he avoided making eye contact with me for about 20 minutes and never made a move. 3. He suggested coming over to my place--just him. (This was the point when I confronted him.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    I didn't quite know what to make of it either. Although I did get a good laugh when I first read this post (not that I believe it is necessarily appropriate to laugh in this case...)...when I read..."Do any ENFPs have a tendency to engage in risky and/or self-destructive behaviors when depressed?" My thought was...well we have a tendency to do this when we are NOT depressed so... haha.
    Sorry, I should have clarified! I'm well aware of this fact (he told me a story about something very reckless he once did, and depression had nothing to do with it), but I guess I just want to know if being depressed increases that tendency.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bluepeaks View Post
    Sorry, I should have clarified! I'm well aware of this fact (he told me a story about something very reckless he once did, and depression had nothing to do with it), but I guess I just want to know if being depressed increases that tendency.
    You know...I honestly don't know how to answer this question. The reason why is that I consider myself to be depressed right now...and while I'm not out bungy-jumping...and traveling to parts of the world that would be considered unsafe to visit...etc. etc. ...I'm no longer taking care of myself properly...and ignoring my responsibilities...so I guess it would be how you would define 'risky'. Does that make sense?

    I know a couple of ENFP e7 so/sxs that drink way heavily when they are going through challenging life experiences...

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    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    I was going to add...don't be worried or nervous about openning up more with regards to your situation. I remember feeling the same way when I first came here...thinking that the INFJ that brought me here would somehow 'find my story'...and know it was me *paranoid*. In fact...if people read some of my earliest posts they would probably be like ??? But now I don't give a rip. If I want answers...I just ask...and screw the worry...you know?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    You know...I honestly don't know how to answer this question.
    If you don't think it applies to you, that's totally cool, too. He actually did (on the night in question) casually tell me he wanted to go home and have several drinks. I tried to make light of this, and the way he "laughed" in response told me he was being complete serious.

    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    I was going to add...don't be worried or nervous about openning up more with regards to your situation.
    I know, I feel so silly. It's not like we ever talked about MBTI, so he'd have absolutely no reason to be on this forum. But like I said, if you do have specific questions, I can try to answer them. I just don't want to spill everything in one go, especially if half of it might not even be relevant. Honestly, though, if you're super curious, I saved the first draft of this post, which is pretty much the entire story. I suppose I can send a PM to anyone who's interested...

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    Quote Originally Posted by bluepeaks View Post
    If you don't think it applies to you, that's totally cool, too. He actually did (on the night in question) casually tell me he wanted to go home and have several drinks. I tried to make light of this, and the way he "laughed" in response told me he was being complete serious.



    I know, I feel so silly. It's not like we ever talked about MBTI, so he'd have absolutely no reason to be on this forum. But like I said, if you do have specific questions, I can try to answer them. I just don't want to spill everything in one go, especially if half of it might not even be relevant. Honestly, though, if you're super curious, I saved the first draft of this post, which is pretty much the entire story. I suppose I can send a PM to anyone who's interested...
    Feel free to send me your story via PM bluepeaks...and I'll do my best to really think about what you have written and answer your questions privately. I hope I can help.

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    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Well, I'll just say this (which may or may not apply here):

    ENFPs can see all the possibilities of what might be between two people. (This is due to their dominant Ne.) And, they are very good at emotionally connecting with people. (This is due to their Fi.) Just because he's married doesn't mean he didn't see that he could have also dated you if you had met under different circumstance. So maybe he did have a crush on you. And maybe he didn't set good boundaries to ensure that that crush never turned into anything more than that. My experience is that INFJs are much better at setting healthy personal boundaries than I am. So it doesn't surprise me that you were the one who had to the kibosh on his ethically questionable behavior.

    I would really encourage you to tell your story in more detail so that people can offer more specific observations / suggestions. I understand your wanting to not divulge so many details that you'll be able to be identified. But unless you name the city you live in by name... or name something so unique that it's unmistakeable (like my ENFP friend had a left-hand club foot and a tramp stamp on his tush that said "I love Hortensia") nobody's going to discover you.

    ENFP with kick*ss Te | 7w8 so | ♀

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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    I would really encourage you to tell your story in more detail so that people can offer more specific observations / suggestions.
    Thanks again for your help.

    I think I'm starting to realize, both from talking to people here and in my own life, that this guy probably has some serious problems that have very little to do with his personality type. (I still think he's an ENFP, however.) And these are the things that have been confounding me. I think I'll be talking to my therapist about this, as I don't feel equipped to make any professional judgments at the moment...

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