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  1. #1
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    Default The Doorslam Game

    The theory:

    I think I've seen other types do this, but am wondering if the more empathic have too. Naive to suppose it's not possible.

    INFJs are generally empathic.
    Some INFJs have had a tendency to want to keep another's company if only because of loneliness and 'still want the love' but other than that might not really like and want the other around.

    A true friend is wholeheartedly 'in or invested' for their INFJ friend.

    Not really into another person, but still want them around for the love, the INFJ expresses increased criticism toward the 'unwanted' yet convenient friend, expresses increased discomfort in spite of convenience sake, the temperament becoming more and more irritable that after a lot of time and insults reaction is incited from the hurt friend. After that this continues as gradually the loyal friend is pushed until 'Wham!', Doorslam. They are pushed out.

    The thing is, is it known in advance that eventually there will be a doorslam toward the friend, and they sort of perhaps passively condition the doorslam outcome?

    Edit: This thread may be so controversial and nobody responds
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  2. #2
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avatar7 View Post
    The theory:

    I think I've seen other types do this, but am wondering if the more empathic have too. Naive to suppose it's not possible.

    INFJs are generally empathic.
    Some INFJs have had a tendency to want to keep another's company if only because of loneliness and 'still want the love' but other than that might not really like and want the other around.

    A true friend is wholeheartedly 'in or invested' for their INFJ friend.

    Not really into another person, but still want them around for the love, the INFJ expresses increased criticism toward the 'unwanted' yet convenient friend, expresses increased discomfort in spite of convenience sake, the temperament becoming more and more irritable that after a lot of time and insults reaction is incited from the hurt friend. After that this continues as gradually the loyal friend is pushed until 'Wham!', Doorslam. They are pushed out.

    The thing is, is it known in advance that eventually there will be a doorslam toward the friend, and they sort of perhaps passively condition the doorslam outcome?

    Edit: This thread may be so controversial and nobody responds
    I don't think I've really been in the situation you describe. I've doorslammed a small number of people (three or four?) but it's been because of what I perceived as either long-established tendencies to use me and to disregard my feelings, or when the friendship seems to be no longer tenable and continuing it will damage me. (This has tended to be - though not always - in cases where it's the end of a relationship, or I've had unreciprocated feelings for someone and felt I'd been misled about their feelings.)

    I can't think of a loyal, equal friendship where I haven't loved and felt loyal toward that person in return. I have several close friendships which have lasted five, ten, fifteen, twenty years (and I'm only in my early thirties). Plus other good friendships or acquaintanceships which have also lasted a long time. I don't generally get close to people in the first place only to then find I don't really want them around and I need to extricate myself or I want to doorslam them. I guess we probably just wouldn't be close in the first place. It would be something more distant like acquaintanceship and a "doorslam" would in no way be warranted or necessary.

    I have recently considered something like a doorslam with a younger person who has severe emotional issues and attached herself to me. It had become a very draining situation. However, I certainly think there's still hope for her and she is taking some steps to try and improve her emotional state. We discussed it openly and are taking a break on the friendship for some months, essentially. I told her I was at the end of my rope and we needed to change things, and she agreed. How things will pan out I don't know yet, and the friendship may yet come to an end, but I'm being hopeful. That's kind of a different situation, though. It's more her being way too clingy and possessive because of attachment issues, and me being more like a mentor (and then finding myself over my head.)

    I don't know if that helps, but as an INFJ I don't personally relate to the situation you describe. Not to say it couldn't happen.
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  3. #3
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    Avatar7 - I've been reading your threads here-and-there with regards to the INFJ...(although I will report that your understanding of the INFJ personality type...including your interpretations of their behavior, motivations, etc. are very different from mine)...and I get the sense that I might have something to contribute...

    but I can't get a read on what you are really asking...or what YOUR motivations are.

    What do you want to know? What is your reason for these inquiries? Are you sincerely trying to help your friend (the friend of the INFJ???)? Are you friends with this INFJ and attempting to 'help/understand' them? Your messages are a bit vague and I'm just not getting it.

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    I think in any relationship, when someone is planning to terminate it they emotionally brace themselves.

    I don't think that is related to an INFJ doorslam. INFJ's tend to withdraw when their values have been compromised. Its not something they plan to do.

    But everybody who is premeditating an end to a relationship does start to close the other person off. I think everybody does this.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kitsune413 View Post
    I think in any relationship, when someone is planning to terminate it they emotionally brace themselves.

    I don't think that is related to an INFJ doorslam. INFJ's tend to withdraw when their values have been compromised. Its not something they plan to do.

    But everybody who is premeditating an end to a relationship does start to close the other person off. I think everybody does this.
    What are you saying? Are you planning these very stages now as we speak? Is there something you have been holding back from saying to me?

    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

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    I'm sorry Avatar7 but I'm breaking up with you...

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    first thing first: she might miss your friend or she might not, but if she allowed herself to "be herself" and come out of her shell around him, in the process sharing intimate information with him that she doesn't normally feel comfortable letting anyone else have, and then she finds out that he was talking about her to a friend of his who would then talk about her publically like this, judging the inner character she unveiled to him and doing so in front of all to see... you are totally completely screwed.

    i know your friend wouldn't give a crap if she did the same to him, but within the terms of her perception of things, she is getting betrayed big time, and no it's not going to matter that your friend might feels betrayed by her because what she will probably be going through is going to have shadow-functions written all over it.

    and remember that your friend was trying to be genuine with her all the time? i am gonna tell you right now that the ethics of honesty where probably more of a post-mortem justification then a reason. it happens because INFJs who notice us do that to our ENTP asses in ways even your mother couldn't, they see a little deeper into us then we thought we where capable of expressing, and we become freakin exhibitionists.

    so your friend might be pissed off and disapointed at her right now, why should he care about her when she doesn't about him? but tha will pass, and if the door will slide open just a little, he will have another genuine moment with her, and he will feel way too comfortable talking about how he reached every conclusion and thought that he did, and he will be screwed.

    so trust me and stop this while you can.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kitsune413 View Post
    I'm sorry Avatar7 but I'm breaking up with you...
    Hehe
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  9. #9
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    To me it's usually a sign that someone takes himself too seriously... some people even take life too seriously, too seriously to enjoy it. Like they said, no one gets out alive.
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    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  10. #10
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    Are most people who've been "doorslammed" by INFJs ENTPs???
    Just a question. seems like an underlying theme in these doorslamming threads.
    I've lived with a guy who was ENTP and did leave him. The guy I was with I initially liked because he was fun, zany and smart and also very rebellious. I thought it was charming because I think I'm pretty rebellious on the inside though I couldn't quite be so overtly as he was quite comfortable being. I don't know if there's something about the Fe-Ti that is the problem. I've read they are inimical. I found this good description on the INTP forum:
    Suppression: Ti and Fe have a suppressive relationship. While one must withdraw and be dispassionate of the feelings of others in order to use their subjective personal logic, Fe ignores the personal one’s personal logic and focuses on the feelings and needs of others.
    Suppression: Fe and Ti have a suppressive relationship. Fe devotes itself to the feelings of the collective, and must ignore one’s personal logic in order to satisfy the customs of the tribe.
    http://www.intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=6582
    There was also a description of the fifth function being a partner's first bringing a very strong attraction. For INFJs those 2 types would be ENFP and ENTP.

    My personal experience was a very sad one. Looking back I found it very difficult that my ex wanted to pick me apart constantly. He never let anything just be. If I bought a bag of crisps he'd follow me around the store nagging and analyzing me buying crisps as some sign of internal weakness and so on...He was a total and constant nag. Unlike ENFPs who also spend time alone my ex was never alone. After I'd been at work and school for 10 hours and ready to kick my feet up and relax I'd come home to find him with some friend. A romantic trip together ended up being me and him and 5 of his closest friends.
    I think the Ti and Fe rub might contribute to trouble brewing. As I kind of understand it he needs actually needs to not consider everyone's feelings for his 2nd function to work. It always made me think of him as somehow unscrupulous and I thought I was doing him a favor as after we met he began to actually be liked... before that most people thought he was off putting and self absorbed.
    Maybe he thought he was doing me a favor by constantly making me analyze my actions, but it only made me feel bullied...like there's a mystery to a rose you don't need to explain, just appreciate and he'd be pulling the petals off to see how it works. He'd also constantly scold me for "being spineless" which I think relates to the Fe thing. Whereas being considerate and considering others' feelings is what actually keeps me "good" in some ways. In time I turned into a person I didn't like, going home gave me anxiety as I knew there wasn't going to any rest from my ex's constant hounding. the rebelliousness was less attractive when he refused to come to my close friend's funeral because "He didn't like funerals" and left me lying to my friend's parents why he couldn't make it...or that he never made it to my dying grandma's bedside though she asked for him to come because "He didn't like hospitals".
    By then it was
    http://youtu.be/tpsDegqioVA
    Me making him "nice and considerate" made him toothless and unable to function, him "making me independent and able to defend myself" had the effect of me only wanting to defend myself from the person I thought was the biggest "pesterer" ever, him. I was very firm with him in letting him know it was the end because I'd end up hating him soon.
    So I don't know... many INFJs and ENTPs do very well together but maybe there are some pitfalls in the dynamic.

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