I have been struggling somewhat with a feeling that ultimately everyone - or virtually everyone - is going to leave me or let me down so badly that they can't really stay in my life.
I am not sure what this is all about. I have wondered if it is concern over my parents' mortality, as they are the most reliable people in my life, and they're not getting younger - my dad is over 70 now. I am afraid of them dying, for sure, although they are in excellent health at the moment.
But beyond that I seem to have a lurking fear that even my most reliable friends are going to someday prove untrustworthy or "leave" in some form. When I say "lurking fear" that might be stating it too strongly. It's not that I am awaiting the day when they stab me in the back. But despite the EXTREME reliability of a number of my friends, I sometimes find myself thinking "what if they left? what if they decided they didn't want me around anymore?" It's more like a disturbing thought that occasionally flashes into my mind.
I suppose it has something to do with my 6 enneagram. I tend to fixate a bit on the unpredictable nature of life and it scares me. The unreliable aspects jump out at me more than the reliable aspects. It would make more sense if I'd been abandoned at an early age or one of my parents had left or I'd suffered some hideous betrayals, but none of those have happened. I have suffered betrayals and letdowns, like everyone, and I guess those have hurt me deeply, probably much more deeply than really warranted, honestly. But it almost seems like this is something that can't be explained by my experiences, given that I've had a fairly stable life. What I have witnessed, though, is a lot of people being very selfish and unreliable, marriages breaking up sometimes very unexpectedly and after decades, people chasing after transient pleasures and leaving behind loyalty and long-established trust, people making big promises and then totally failing to keep their word...etc.
I think this may also have something to do with what I'm capable of. I know I am very, very loyal, sometimes too much, and I tend to inspire loyalty in my friends, as well, in general. But I have left people behind. The last person I dropped, it was without warning, though I felt I had very good reason for it and didn't want to stick around to get hurt. I think he knew why, too, or at least he certainly knew why when a mutual friend filled him in. I suppose he was hurt, but I don't particularly care. Not that I didn't look back, but that had more to do with feeling angry and hurt than worrying about his feelings. I tend to think that if people act without regard for my feelings, they deserve whatever they get in regard to their own feelings. But, to some people, that's a very cold attitude. And I'm well capable of it under certain circumstances. I know that I'm not very likely to act with a sufficient lack of care over people's feelings that they simply drop me and walk away, but if I'm ready to do it to them, then maybe I shouldn't be surprised if they someday do it to me...