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Thread: This ENFP...

  1. #1
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    Lightbulb This ENFP...

    There is this male ENFP I know who I met over the summer, and I have found him really cute since I met him. He currently is attending a school that I am going to transfer to next year (just so you know, no, I am not a stalker and am not transferring to be with him. We met at a function that is associated with this school, after I already had been considering it.) I sometimes wonder if he doesn't also possibly like me, but I really don't need any false hope so I want some other opinions on this.

    It may help to note that he is normally a very charismatic and emotionally open ENFP, and I have an unfortunate tendency to become very closed off and present the worst parts of myself to the people who I most admire.

    About a month after the first week I got to know him, he initiated I conversation with me via the internet because he wanted to get to know me better, but eventually when I turned the attention from myself to him, he dropped it and never answered. Some months later when I was visiting the school he attends, he spotted me and seemed very excited to see me. Because I had sort of been dreading the idea of running into him, I just said hi and went on my way, but 5 minutes later he found me and started a very long and awkward conversation in which I was extremely withdrawn due to feeling shy and he was feeling obviously insecure and nervous. He eventually apologized for never responding in our previous conversation over the internet and used the excuse that he thinks he is better at communicating with people in real life. There was a lot of awkward silence and him self-consciously commenting on the awkward aspects of the conversation that he was contributing (not being able to finish sentences, starting on tangents about random subjects that seem to come out of nowhere, etc.) At the end of this conversation he told me very energetically that he would find me before I leave and take me on an adventure or something, which never happened. A week later I sent him a message on Facebook apologizing for being so standoffish. He adamantly denied that he thought I was being standoffish and said that he loved the conversation, and then said he would talk to me soon. I don't know if he was referring to my plan to transfer the next semester or if he actually intended to call/message me etc. In any case, that was about 4 months ago. 2 weeks ago he texted me asking if I was at his school yet. Because he had my number but I didn't have his, I was unsure who it was at first, but then quickly guessed, and told him I had to change my mind about transferring so soon and would transfer in the Fall. He never responded.

    I know that sometimes ENFPs get really awkward and weird around their crushes, so I am flattering myself by thinking that might be what this is. He told me in the earlier parts of our friendship(?) that he thought I was "fascinating," "pretty," and that he liked it when I smiled. I basically deflected most of these early compliments, because he is naturally affectionate towards people and I was trying not to take it personally. After a while the "pretty lady" turned into "dear friend" and during our long awkward conversation at his school he randomly added, as he was explaining why he is so friendly to all people (because I had wanted to know if he behaved this way with everyone, and it is hard for me to comprehend how he doesn't get tired) that he was trying to get to know me not because he wanted to woo me and marry me, but because he believes he has something to learn from all people. I didn't think I seemed like I thought that he wanted to woo me and marry me, but okay. This combined with the issue of him making extravagant promises to me every time we meet about taking me on adventures and getting to know me (and then never following through,) make me think that there is little hope, and that I am just another number in his infinite list of people who he theoretically likes.

    He frustrates me a lot but I still think his personality is extremely cute and I can't deny that I am interested in him, although I have tried not to give him any clue of this. What do you guys think about my chances?

  2. #2
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    First, welcome. :hiya:

    Second, you're both young and in college. Totally different dating rules to "the real world".

    If you like him, go for it. If you think he's too flighty for you play it cool. Either way, it'll be a learning experience.

    Some young ENFPs are frankly clueless hot messes when it comes to dating and flirting but some are not.

    It seems like you're waiting for a confirmation from him that he likes you but I don't think you'll get it unless you 1) are really good at "playing the game" or 2) more directly make it so. I think for your own sake, you should hang out with him and seek confirmation if he doesn't make a move. If he seems like the flighty playboy type hang out with him 3 times and act receptive to him and be open and comfortable with yourself. If he doesn't make a move by then, forget it. He either doesn't like you or he does but he's clueless,
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

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    He may be flighty but he's not the "playboy type" or at least he would be devastated if you called him that. He has a lot of strong opinions about how men should treat women, and he tries very hard to be an example of how he thinks men should behave. (Imagine all of this with a heavy dose of childlike enthusiasm, and that's him) He has never dated before, although he has had crushes that he never acted on. We are both waiting for soulmates, although he's doing so with a lot more confidence than I am. So he's not really your typical guy; I probably should've mentioned that before. I just want to know from other ENFPs and people who have a lot of experience with ENFPs if it sounds like there could be something there or if I am just deluding myself. It's driving me crazy.

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    Senior Member kyli_ryan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spring View Post
    I know that sometimes ENFPs get really awkward and weird around their crushes, so I am flattering myself by thinking that might be what this is. He told me in the earlier parts of our friendship(?) that he thought I was "fascinating," "pretty," and that he liked it when I smiled. I basically deflected most of these early compliments, because he is naturally affectionate towards people and I was trying not to take it personally. After a while the "pretty lady" turned into "dear friend" and during our long awkward conversation at his school he randomly added, as he was explaining why he is so friendly to all people (because I had wanted to know if he behaved this way with everyone, and it is hard for me to comprehend how he doesn't get tired) that he was trying to get to know me not because he wanted to woo me and marry me, but because he believes he has something to learn from all people. I didn't think I seemed like I thought that he wanted to woo me and marry me, but okay. This combined with the issue of him making extravagant promises to me every time we meet about taking me on adventures and getting to know me (and then never following through,) make me think that there is little hope, and that I am just another number in his infinite list of people who he theoretically likes.

    He frustrates me a lot but I still think his personality is extremely cute and I can't deny that I am interested in him, although I have tried not to give him any clue of this. What do you guys think about my chances?
    First off, I don't think you're delusional by thinking he may have an interest in you. If you like him, you should text him again and try to set some time up to hang out. I think it's a little strange that he was so forthright with the whole "marry and woo" part of that conversation, but maybe you appeared scared by his awkward chattiness and he was trying to help relieve that? lol.

    Anyway, I totally get what you're saying with the ENFP and compliments (I deflect them too). I am currently with an ENFP, who was very weird about compliments and certain things he would say, even before we were dating (or had any inclination toward that kind of thing). I always thought it was because he is foreign.. but it could be the personality thing...? I think you should maybe try to talk to him a little bit and let him ask about you... I know my ENFP is still weird about my focusing the attention on him in a conversation. This could be a good way to get pieces of his personality from the way he responds to what you say... this could also be hard for you though, if you're not very chatty or don't know what to say...

    I would say, just try to get together... or get him to answer you back. I feel like my ENFP doesn't really see things as possible whenever he is not encouraged. You saying you aren't transferring until the Fall may have made him think that you couldn't be interested because you weren't at the same campus. Maybe see what he says with a little encouragement?

  5. #5
    Undisciplined Starry's Avatar
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    I have some experience with ENFPs...being one...with an ENFP brother and best friend. And the truth of the matter is...is that it ISN'T unusual for ENFPs to get excited about new people...to want to take people under-our-wings in atmospheres that we feel comfortable in. Nor is it unusual for us to unintentionally send out mixed-messages by using language that most people would reserve for their intimates...like 'you are pretty'...or 'handsome'...or 'attractive' etc.

    This is not to say, however, that he is NOT interested in you as it appears he is...at least on some level. What is confusing me is your response to it. You are behaving in a standoffish manner? You even state in your post that you 'dreaded running into him' (???) And that you are trying to hide your own interest in him? I will also tell you that it is not unusual for us to become nervous and awkward around individuals that we do care about...but that are acting nervous and awkward around us. It is confusing for us and we don't quite know if we should back-off or what...

    I've dated some introverted, nervous and awkward people in my day. But the thing they did do for me was make it very clear that they loved and cared for me. Or at the point you are at...that they were interested in me. They did not try to hide this fact. I fear if you don't show him some form of interest...or something that you do care or have some fond feelings for him...HE WILL hop the next ENFP magic carpet out.

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    Unfortunately I have to admit that some of the times he has tried to ask me about myself I have deflected that too, because the questions he likes to ask can be very personal... The stuff he does know about me I kind of regret because I was way too honest in those moments, and I presented weak aspects of myself. When I have turned the attention to him, it is partly because I am afraid of him knowing so much about me.

    Yeah, I have to admit I am increasingly standoffish towards him. I knew from the moment I met him that I would need to be very careful not to get too into him. So much for that. I was pretty friendly to him at first, but the more he flaked out on me the more closed off I became, partly to protect myself from disappointment (because it seems like a clear indicator that he actually couldn't care less) and partly just because flakiness/seeming insincerity are really big pet peeves of mine. I dreaded running into him because at that point I was assuming he definitely didn't feel the same and I was trying to get over him. So much for that too. :/ So I can understand why he might feel rejected by me, and he's also told me that he feels like I'm "a lot cooler" than him so he may feel a little intimidated too. Although, compared to his repeated instances of saying one thing and doing another, I'd say we're about even...

    I know that I should be nicer to him and I want to be, but his flakiness makes me think that he doesn't actually care and I don't want to presuppose that he does and act like he does and be wrong, because it will hurt.

  7. #7
    Senior Member kyli_ryan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spring View Post
    Unfortunately I have to admit that some of the times he has tried to ask me about myself I have deflected that too, because the questions he likes to ask can be very personal... The stuff he does know about me I kind of regret because I was way too honest in those moments, and I presented weak aspects of myself. When I have turned the attention to him, it is partly because I am afraid of him knowing so much about me.

    Yeah, I have to admit I am increasingly standoffish towards him. I knew from the moment I met him that I would need to be very careful not to get too into him. So much for that. I was pretty friendly to him at first, but the more he flaked out on me the more closed off I became, partly to protect myself from disappointment (because it seems like a clear indicator that he actually couldn't care less) and partly just because flakiness/seeming insincerity are really big pet peeves of mine. I dreaded running into him because at that point I was assuming he definitely didn't feel the same and I was trying to get over him. So much for that too. :/ So I can understand why he might feel rejected by me, and he's also told me that he feels like I'm "a lot cooler" than him so he may feel a little intimidated too. Although, compared to his repeated instances of saying one thing and doing another, I'd say we're about even...

    I know that I should be nicer to him and I want to be, but his flakiness makes me think that he doesn't actually care and I don't want to presuppose that he does and act like he does and be wrong, because it will hurt.
    A couple of things--- I think the "flakiness" may not be what it seems. I know that my ENFP is that way as well. Sometimes when I need answers, I have to ask him VERY specific questions to make sure that things are clear. He probably wouldn't take a serious talk negatively, but I don't know if you'd be interested in having to do that. From my experience (and @Rainbows said this as well), I didn't feel a very CLEAR indication about his intentions until I specifically laid it out for him and asked him... You may want to just try to seem interested in hanging out so you can get to know each other a little better.... since coming right out to have a serious talk is probably not something that you would be comfortable with...

  8. #8
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    Well...the truth of the matter is...is that 'flakiness' (with regards to the majority of ENFPs you meet) is just going to be part of the territory...and should NOT be taken as something that automatically points to 'not caring'.

    I don't know what your type is...but I worked with an older ISTJ female...that had been married to an ENFP male for something like 30+ years...and everyday she came into the office with some funny story about his 'flakiness'. Like she would say something like...'now how many pots and pans does one have to use to make a pack of boxed mac & cheese?'...or she would talk about sending her husband to the store for a quick errand and he would arrive home several hours later because some neighbor asked him for help with moving something...and then they would have a beer or something (she actually ended up purchasing walkie-talkies instead of cell phones in order to help him with his distraction problem). Or he would start one project...and then another...and another...and by the time she got home the entire house would be a mess. But MAN did they LOVE each other. No...he was a total flake. But she admired his intellegence...and his caring and compassion for people. She always said she would have to STOP him from giving anyone the 'shirt off his back'. She learned how to deal with the flakiness. And is SO HAPPY in her marriage.

    But no...haha. Relationships with ENFPs are NOT for the faint of heart. And if your fear is going to prevent you from taking a risk here...then I don't know. Maybe you are missing out. Maybe you're not. Only you can determine that.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    Being fairly certain of my own ENFP typing I wan't to add a few things, none of it is an absolute however.

    1) It is VERY easy for ENFP's to get caught up in whatever whirlwind of life they happen to be involved with, and sometimes if you are not right there in their path or line of sight it's easy for them to get distracted and set you to the side. It's NOT intentionally rejecting, it's just that most ENFP's have ALOT of life going on around them to engage - HOWEVER

    2) Every time I have met someone that I've genuinely been interested in - I MAKE it happen, unless their is some odd, bizzare circumstance preventing it. I almost always take the initiate regardless of how intimidated or awkard I feel.. I leave the door open. I also re arrange things, schedules, etc. to be available.

    If you wan't to know if your ENFP is really into you, take the initiative yourself, even boldy no matter how unnatural this may be for you.. and see where it goes. If the bait isn't bitten after 2-3 attempts.. I wouldn't say it's impossible but I'd definately be open to other people.

    Meh, maybe it's just me though. I am fairly direct with what interests me.
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

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    See, that's the thing: I understand that ENFPs get distracted easily. But it seems to me like if you really care... you care! Actions speak louder than words. I've probably been making something out of nothing. This thread was dumb, sorry

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