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Thread: Question about ENFJ - boundaries?

  1. #1
    Señora Member Array Elfa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011

    Default Question about ENFJ - boundaries?

    I know this ENFJ woman and she is dating my ENTJ dad for almost 2 years (she is the only ENFJ I know). She is very nice, sometimes too nice, and I wonder if that isn't kinda bad for her.

    I like her a lot, she is very nice, she is very receptive, invites me to lunch at her house and to swim at her swimming pool, treats me well, and does the same with her stepsons (sons of her ex-husband with another woman). She is really nice with everyone (at least is what it seems for me), and even saves animals she finds in the street. The thing is, she is very nice with everyone, but seems to be surrounded by assholes.

    Many people take advantage from her, asking for money or job, and she gives it; her daughter spent thousands of reais (money) in the mother creditcard; those people she gives jobs don't work well and demand more from the ENFJ, and are rude with her when she demands more work from them; the stepson she gave a job at her company is a horrible administrator, spends the company money without asking her, forgets lots of stuff and smokes marijuana at work; and she doesn't want to fire those people because "poor of them, they are like family" (and some of them are family). She even had been victim of con artists twice.

    She has divorced twice, and the last husband heavily emotionally abused her, and she seems to have still some trauma of that. She spent 7 years with him and divorced 2 years ago, not long before she started going out with my dad, with whom she has been friends for like 30 years -they get along very well.

    I just wanted to know if there are other ENFJs who share these kind of problems? Or if you know some ENFJ or other type of person like that? I'm worried for my dad, I don't want him to get hurt with all the drama in her life... (he tends to try to rescue women... but he said he is being more cautious this time) I guess she doesn't know to set her boundaries well... or is it something else? Sometimes I wonder if she is nice to people so she can have some kind of control over them, as she seems to use to tell people how they could change for better (including telling me how I should hold my fork or change my hair) - but people end up just taking advantage from her not doing what she wants and still receiving all she gives. Or she just wants people to like and love her... I don't know and can't know. She seems a HUGE enneagram 2w3 for me. Just curious what you people would say of this.

  2. #2
    Lay the coin on my tongue Array SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    6w5 sp/sx


    I think xNFJs may be particularly prone to letting others take advantage of them, and yes, it may be in part because of a desire to manipulate as well or have a hold over people. It can be partly niceness (over-niceness) and a desire to influence or "do something for someone's own good." That's speaking from my personal perspective, but I've heard other xNFJs and perhaps especially ENFJs say similar things.

    I think I am finally...finally...learning to set firmer boundaries. I have been prone to being a doormat, letting others get away with too much because I feel I have some sort of responsibility toward them, or thinking that they'll eventualy realise how wonderful I am. It doesn't work that way, of course, and I am now going perhaps to the opposite extreme of feeling very very angry and almost lashing out if I feel someone is violating my boundaries... And realising that I need to look after myself first and foremost, both to be happy and to be of service to others.
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


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