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[Se] Losing "the spark"

FunnyDigestion

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I've always had a worry about some vital part of myself fading away. The best way to describe it is that it's like a constant awareness of inner death. You can feel yourself leaking out of you.

Something new always comes in to replace it, but it's depressing when you try to revisit some earlier time when you were inspired, & you can't quite make the connection. That's the hardest part about doing art for me, it's impossible to get back to what you used to be feeling. You have the memory, but the vitality is always lost, & you can't get it back.

I think I focus on this unnecessarily. I'm terrified of becoming a boring, unimaginative person & I've noticed it tends to make me do ridiculous things every now & then.

Does anyone else feel like they're always 'going over the hill'? I mean, I already felt like I was old when I was 20. I felt like I'd seen it all even though I'd barely had any life experience at that point.

So do any of you guys relate to this fear of "losing the spark"?
 

Stanton Moore

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Your first paragraph made me think that you are the heir of Franz Kafka...

As far as wanting to revisit past artistic endevours, I can relate. I do it because I wonder if it's really good or not. Maybe by checking one more time I'll be able to really see it. Maybe next time. maybe next time. Maybe...
There was a great jazz drummer, arguably the greatest that ever was, named Elvin Jones. He never listened to his own recordings. He lived totally in the present, and learning that was really important to me, since I have that tendency to look backward for approval.
He played the record, then was off to the next one. so now I try to do that too, in my way.
 

CuriousFeeling

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Sounds a lot like type 4 concerns of feeling ordinary and commonplace. It happens every now and then with me too. I get concerned that I seem like an old foagie at my age, the occasional monotone blabber I get into, and feeling world weary. It's like you end up losing the childlike part of yourself, having to see things seriously like an adult, and all the stuff you see happening in the world weighs down on your shoulders.... and you just feel like it sucks the life out of you.

I often feel self conscious that whenever I am discussing about things, people will ultimately lose interest, and I end up clamming up to avoid sounding like a dry monotone Ben Stein, and seeming as boring and dry as day old toast. There's a lot going on in my mind, but my day to day life isn't totally eventful. That, and I hold back my enthusiasm for things too... and have a bit more of a reserved demeanor, so it may exacerbate the issue. I can be incredibly self-conscious.
 

FunnyDigestion

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Your first paragraph made me think that you are the heir of Franz Kafka...

As far as wanting to revisit past artistic endevours, I can relate. I do it because I wonder if it's really good or not. Maybe by checking one more time I'll be able to really see it. Maybe next time. maybe next time. Maybe...
There was a great jazz drummer, arguably the greatest that ever was, named Elvin Jones. He never listened to his own recordings. He lived totally in the present, and learning that was really important to me, since I have that tendency to look backward for approval.
He played the record, then was off to the next one. so now I try to do that too, in my way.

Oh yeah, I kind of have the same approach, once I do something I try not to think about it after that. But it can be rewarding to look back & realize just how kickass it was. But it's very egotistical, which is anathema to progress. But it's fun too. But it can be damaging too. I'd heard of Elvin Jones, never heard his drumming though. But I'll check it.
 

FunnyDigestion

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Sounds a lot like type 4 concerns of feeling ordinary and commonplace. It happens every now and then with me too. I get concerned that I seem like an old foagie at my age, the occasional monotone blabber I get into, and feeling world weary. It's like you end up losing the childlike part of yourself, having to see things seriously like an adult, and all the stuff you see happening in the world weighs down on your shoulders.... and you just feel like it sucks the life out of you.

Day-to-day life is so draining. Man, just paying bills feels like going off to fight in an epic battle. I definitely relate to having things weigh on your shoulders. I'm always thinking about world poverty & starvation. Doing day-to-day stuff feels so worthless in the face of the real problems of the world. I mean, there are people in the world with real problems. lol.. Maybe I'm secretly a practical problem-solver, & I focus on other people's problems in order to figure out secret solutions to them even though what I end up doing has nothing to do with them. ho hun.
 

CuriousFeeling

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Day-to-day life is so draining. Man, just paying bills feels like going off to fight in an epic battle. I definitely relate to having things weigh on your shoulders. I'm always thinking about world poverty & starvation. Doing day-to-day stuff feels so worthless in the face of the real problems of the world. I mean, there are people in the world with real problems. lol.. Maybe I'm secretly a practical problem-solver, & I focus on other people's problems in order to figure out secret solutions to them even though what I end up doing has nothing to do with them. ho hun.

Ever have those moments where you feel like you wish you could make a stamp in the world, to help fix other people's problems, but what you can practically do in the moment is something small, and not the types of solutions you would have ideally done? :)
 

FunnyDigestion

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Ever have those moments where you feel like you wish you could make a stamp in the world, to help fix other people's problems, but what you can practically do in the moment is something small, and not the types of solutions you would have ideally done? :)

It's drops in the bucket, but at least it's better than sitting around waiting to die... life is failure, only a fool would think otherwise. But maybe you can have fun while you're failing.
 

CuriousFeeling

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It's drops in the bucket, but at least it's better than sitting around waiting to die... life is failure, only a fool would think otherwise. But maybe you can have fun while you're failing.

To err is human, but it's a matter of how we rise above failure and errors that makes us grow as human beings.
 

1487610420

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It's drops in the bucket, but at least it's better than sitting around waiting to die... life is failure, only a fool would think otherwise. But maybe you can have fun while you're failing.
[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1P6vAVag18o"]Relevant[/YOUTUBE]
 

FunnyDigestion

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It implies a desire to kill himself, which is a goal against which we should not intercede...

Exactly.

Uhhhhhh..

approximately. But yeah. Believer in "right to die", standing right chea. A desire to kill oneself can be an earnest desire, which is to say a selfish desire. Which is to say an honest desire. More people should reply to this thread, this is a relevant topic to the issues of the world today.
 

Lark

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Does anyone else feel like they're always 'going over the hill'? I mean, I already felt like I was old when I was 20. I felt like I'd seen it all even though I'd barely had any life experience at that point.

I've felt that from time to time, although when it happens there's always something which bursts in on my scene which makes me think I've not seen it all and probably wont have enough time to see it all in a single short lifespan.
 

Kyrielle

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I've always had a worry about some vital part of myself fading away. The best way to describe it is that it's like a constant awareness of inner death. You can feel yourself leaking out of you.

Something new always comes in to replace it, but it's depressing when you try to revisit some earlier time when you were inspired, & you can't quite make the connection. That's the hardest part about doing art for me, it's impossible to get back to what you used to be feeling. You have the memory, but the vitality is always lost, & you can't get it back.

I think I focus on this unnecessarily. I'm terrified of becoming a boring, unimaginative person & I've noticed it tends to make me do ridiculous things every now & then.

Does anyone else feel like they're always 'going over the hill'? I mean, I already felt like I was old when I was 20. I felt like I'd seen it all even though I'd barely had any life experience at that point.

So do any of you guys relate to this fear of "losing the spark"?


All the time. It's become a more frequent concern as of late, since I haven't painted in almost a year. I've doodled and done little things here and there. I've heard the whispers of my creative self from time to time, but nothing like it was in college. Nothing where I was overwhelmed on a near constant basis with a desire to paint. It's like, one day it was there, then it just slowed down to a mere trickle. I don't know what's wrong, but I think there's something broken on the inside. So, I spend a lot of time listening to the inside of my head trying to find out what's gone AWOL.

So far I have no definite leads.
 

FunnyDigestion

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All the time. It's become a more frequent concern as of late, since I haven't painted in almost a year. I've doodled and done little things here and there. I've heard the whispers of my creative self from time to time, but nothing like it was in college. Nothing where I was overwhelmed on a near constant basis with a desire to paint. It's like, one day it was there, then it just slowed down to a mere trickle. I don't know what's wrong, but I think there's something broken on the inside. So, I spend a lot of time listening to the inside of my head trying to find out what's gone AWOL.

So far I have no definite leads.

Doesn't it suck???? The worst feeling is to be inspired but without any idea for bringing that inspiration into being. God, being boring is so fucking terrifying. I'd almost rather be dead. Art is very simple to me which makes me worry, maybe one day it will just fade away. I'm 25 years old but still feel like a kid. Life is so confusing.
 

xenaprincess

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hm. well, 25 is young. So don't go nuts about what you haven't accomplished, please. :D

I would think that worrying about whether you're being boring is too much thinking? The thinking is getting in the way of being in the moment and enjoying what you're doing. Maybe the way out is to stop thinking and getting into doing, without the pressure of having to express something profound or non-boring?

sometimes things just happen, right? You do something that looks visually interesting and it leads to something else and then possibly to something else that is profound?
 

Reverie

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I agree. Just put aside a couple of hours a day to paint or what it is your preferred mode of expression is and just do it no matter what the outcome. Make a pact with yourself not to criticize whatever comes out at that time. Learn to enjoy doing just for it's own sake. Maybe you'll find in time that your passion's returned. :)
 
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