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  1. #1
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Default Losing "the spark"

    I've always had a worry about some vital part of myself fading away. The best way to describe it is that it's like a constant awareness of inner death. You can feel yourself leaking out of you.

    Something new always comes in to replace it, but it's depressing when you try to revisit some earlier time when you were inspired, & you can't quite make the connection. That's the hardest part about doing art for me, it's impossible to get back to what you used to be feeling. You have the memory, but the vitality is always lost, & you can't get it back.

    I think I focus on this unnecessarily. I'm terrified of becoming a boring, unimaginative person & I've noticed it tends to make me do ridiculous things every now & then.

    Does anyone else feel like they're always 'going over the hill'? I mean, I already felt like I was old when I was 20. I felt like I'd seen it all even though I'd barely had any life experience at that point.

    So do any of you guys relate to this fear of "losing the spark"?
    RCUAI
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    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  2. #2
    morose bourgeoisie
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    Your first paragraph made me think that you are the heir of Franz Kafka...

    As far as wanting to revisit past artistic endevours, I can relate. I do it because I wonder if it's really good or not. Maybe by checking one more time I'll be able to really see it. Maybe next time. maybe next time. Maybe...
    There was a great jazz drummer, arguably the greatest that ever was, named Elvin Jones. He never listened to his own recordings. He lived totally in the present, and learning that was really important to me, since I have that tendency to look backward for approval.
    He played the record, then was off to the next one. so now I try to do that too, in my way.

  3. #3
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
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    Sounds a lot like type 4 concerns of feeling ordinary and commonplace. It happens every now and then with me too. I get concerned that I seem like an old foagie at my age, the occasional monotone blabber I get into, and feeling world weary. It's like you end up losing the childlike part of yourself, having to see things seriously like an adult, and all the stuff you see happening in the world weighs down on your shoulders.... and you just feel like it sucks the life out of you.

    I often feel self conscious that whenever I am discussing about things, people will ultimately lose interest, and I end up clamming up to avoid sounding like a dry monotone Ben Stein, and seeming as boring and dry as day old toast. There's a lot going on in my mind, but my day to day life isn't totally eventful. That, and I hold back my enthusiasm for things too... and have a bit more of a reserved demeanor, so it may exacerbate the issue. I can be incredibly self-conscious.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Johari/Nohari

    “Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche




  4. #4
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    Your first paragraph made me think that you are the heir of Franz Kafka...

    As far as wanting to revisit past artistic endevours, I can relate. I do it because I wonder if it's really good or not. Maybe by checking one more time I'll be able to really see it. Maybe next time. maybe next time. Maybe...
    There was a great jazz drummer, arguably the greatest that ever was, named Elvin Jones. He never listened to his own recordings. He lived totally in the present, and learning that was really important to me, since I have that tendency to look backward for approval.
    He played the record, then was off to the next one. so now I try to do that too, in my way.
    Oh yeah, I kind of have the same approach, once I do something I try not to think about it after that. But it can be rewarding to look back & realize just how kickass it was. But it's very egotistical, which is anathema to progress. But it's fun too. But it can be damaging too. I'd heard of Elvin Jones, never heard his drumming though. But I'll check it.
    RCUAI
    ---------
    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  5. #5
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousFeeling View Post
    Sounds a lot like type 4 concerns of feeling ordinary and commonplace. It happens every now and then with me too. I get concerned that I seem like an old foagie at my age, the occasional monotone blabber I get into, and feeling world weary. It's like you end up losing the childlike part of yourself, having to see things seriously like an adult, and all the stuff you see happening in the world weighs down on your shoulders.... and you just feel like it sucks the life out of you.
    Day-to-day life is so draining. Man, just paying bills feels like going off to fight in an epic battle. I definitely relate to having things weigh on your shoulders. I'm always thinking about world poverty & starvation. Doing day-to-day stuff feels so worthless in the face of the real problems of the world. I mean, there are people in the world with real problems. lol.. Maybe I'm secretly a practical problem-solver, & I focus on other people's problems in order to figure out secret solutions to them even though what I end up doing has nothing to do with them. ho hun.
    RCUAI
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    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  6. #6
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FunnyDigestion View Post
    Day-to-day life is so draining. Man, just paying bills feels like going off to fight in an epic battle. I definitely relate to having things weigh on your shoulders. I'm always thinking about world poverty & starvation. Doing day-to-day stuff feels so worthless in the face of the real problems of the world. I mean, there are people in the world with real problems. lol.. Maybe I'm secretly a practical problem-solver, & I focus on other people's problems in order to figure out secret solutions to them even though what I end up doing has nothing to do with them. ho hun.
    Ever have those moments where you feel like you wish you could make a stamp in the world, to help fix other people's problems, but what you can practically do in the moment is something small, and not the types of solutions you would have ideally done?
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Johari/Nohari

    “Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche




  7. #7
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  8. #8
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousFeeling View Post
    Ever have those moments where you feel like you wish you could make a stamp in the world, to help fix other people's problems, but what you can practically do in the moment is something small, and not the types of solutions you would have ideally done?
    It's drops in the bucket, but at least it's better than sitting around waiting to die... life is failure, only a fool would think otherwise. But maybe you can have fun while you're failing.
    RCUAI
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    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  9. #9
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zarathustra View Post
    Is he playing the world's smallest violin with a razor blade?
    RCUAI
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    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  10. #10
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FunnyDigestion View Post
    It's drops in the bucket, but at least it's better than sitting around waiting to die... life is failure, only a fool would think otherwise. But maybe you can have fun while you're failing.
    To err is human, but it's a matter of how we rise above failure and errors that makes us grow as human beings.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Johari/Nohari

    “Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche




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