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  1. #1
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Default Cutting people out

    So I just got into a fistfight with my younger brother (21 yrs old), & I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to speak to him again. Guy said some truly repugnant shit that I'm not sure I could ever forgive. I mean, I don't mind people insulting me, I don't offend easily, but when you say shit about people I care about, I start to think you're a piece of trash. I have a black eye, sorta want him to rot in hell, I may want to gouge his eyes out the next time I see him which I hope is never.

    Ever cut someone close out of your life? Was it hard?
    RCUAI
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    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  2. #2
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FunnyDigestion View Post
    So I just got into a fistfight with my younger brother (21 yrs old), & I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to speak to him again. Guy said some truly repugnant shit that I'm not sure I could ever forgive. I mean, I don't mind people insulting me, I don't offend easily, but when you say shit about people I care about, I start to think you're a piece of trash. I have a black eye, sorta want him to rot in hell, I may want to gouge his eyes out the next time I see him which I hope is never.

    Ever cut someone close out of your life? Was it hard?
    yes, it was easy. he turned into a coercive, insecure, aggressive, hostile douche bag, so I just never talked to him again.
    that being said, I don't really connect with people at all until I can judge their character enough to prove they are worthy of my trust and affections (I'm really not even close to most of my family members. most of them haven't met my criteria for friendship/intimacy) sorry, this post probably was not very encouraging
    anyway, good luck
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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by FunnyDigestion View Post
    So I just got into a fistfight with my younger brother (21 yrs old), & I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to speak to him again. Guy said some truly repugnant shit that I'm not sure I could ever forgive. I mean, I don't mind people insulting me, I don't offend easily, but when you say shit about people I care about, I start to think you're a piece of trash.
    Foolish pride. You love him. Confess.

    I have a black eye, sorta want him to rot in hell, I may want to gouge his eyes out the next time I see him which I hope is never.
    Hahaha! I wish I had a brother. -sighs-

    Ever cut someone close out of your life? Was it hard?
    I have never cut family out of my life. I couldn't stay mad, even if I wanted to.

    This might feel cheesy & forced, but the results are amazing. Do in person with confident tone...
    "I love you dammit. I hate myself for letting things escalate; I didn't want to hear the repugnant shit you said; I just wanted to help; I should have sucked it up or walked away instead of taking out my frustrations on you. Dammit, I'm sorry."

    This has worked for me.

  4. #4
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    i have to agree with nerd girl, he is your brother. family, however repulsive, i feel like deserves secondary consideration. if only because they are your skeletal support system in this world - though i have been fortunate to have a very supportive nuclear family, and have never experienced an unsupportive one.

    anyway - yes. 1 person. i never thought i would, but she was an old friend who, one day, invited me out with her and proceeded to speak condescendingly to me the whole time, "instructing" me on "her" world (she was a recently out bisexual - and incorrectly assumed my orientation to be hetero), spending almost the entire 3 hours monologuing (not for any lack of attempts to interact on my part) and finishing the day with insulting my chosen path and my friends. when i said to her that i felt attacked, she said she was sorry i felt that way - she took no responsibility whatsoever for her part in the exchange. to me, this was so uncalled for and irresponsible on her part that i simply have never had any desire to interact with her since.

    it has not been hard at all, but then, there are no other ties that bind us.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Survive & Stay Free's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about this man, I've experienced similar things myself. I always think that I carry more guilt than my siblings afterwards and for longer. Despite the fact that they possess poorer anger management or even mood management skills and are aware of it, so are often the instigators or escalators of confrontations themselves.

    I've not been able to cut anyone out and dont think I would benefit by it, it can fit, unfortunately with the highly melodramatic symbolic interaction people can be aiming at too, so they could anticipate or want a dramatic fall out in order to have an equally dramatic make up and reconciliation. I hate this sort of shit and see it all the time in a lot of different contexts, I find it so vexatious to the spirit because I'm not some Neo like messianic figure, if I can look upon the situation almost from the third person perspective like "seeing the matrix" I cant understand why others cant also and skip all the highly ritualised role taking and performances. So be wary. Cutting them out may just be the second act, all the world is a stage sometimes to some people.

    I'd think about how best to look after yourself, space could be what you need to get back to your baseline functioning, detox emotionally and perform your own emotional first aid. Leave decisions about what happens next between you and that person until afterwards if you can.

  6. #6
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Give it a month, then evaluate your emotions after letting the strong passions pass. People suck and they will never meet the ideals you hold for them. In the midts of anger and rage they will say hateful, harmful things or nasty things-oftent later they regret their actions.

    Judge him based upon his historical character, not simply the one event.

    If he is a source of constant drama and disruption and constantly hurts those around him, then detach but do so without passion. Make sure the choice was made weighing the future consequences of the detachement. Also, dont make a big scene -just cut him out and avoid him. Even if you have to be in the same room with him-treat him with emotional detachement and just let his actions roll off of you.

  7. #7
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nerd Girl View Post
    Foolish pride.
    Maybe, but I feel there are lines you don't cross, & he crossed one. I do love him but i think this is the only reasonable response. It sucks, we've had a lot of good times together & I can feel my fondness for him draining away now. Our relationship wasn't going anywhere though, i'd been feeling that our times of having fun were in the past anyway.

    I like the black eye icon, mine's swollen shut a bit though.

    "I love you dammit. I hate myself for letting things escalate; I didn't want to hear the repugnant shit you said; I just wanted to help; I should have sucked it up or walked away instead of taking out my frustrations on you. Dammit, I'm sorry."
    I'm not sorry though, lol. He actually escalated it to fisticuffs, I was just wrestling him to the ground. Dude actually tried to kick me in the stomach, wtf.
    RCUAI
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    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  8. #8
    Post Human Post Qlip's Avatar
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    There are people in life that consistently make your life worse... sometimes you have to cut them out, even if they are family. I can't make a judgement on your situation, whether it's something that's reconcilable or not.

  9. #9
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Alright, he's apologizing now.. I feel a bit bad. I guess I'll play it by ear, thanks for the advice everyone.
    RCUAI
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    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  10. #10
    Senior Member Kyrielle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FunnyDigestion View Post
    Alright, he's apologizing now.. I feel a bit bad. I guess I'll play it by ear, thanks for the advice everyone.
    That's probably for the best. Part of the sibling relationship structure is the ability to give and take a lot of punishment and forgiveness.

    My younger brother (same age as yours, actually) would have to do nothing short of attempt to blow up where I live, try to kill me, or try to kill my parents (or something else equally, personally disastrous) in order for me to actually shut him out. And even then, I would want to know what was wrong with him first. While we don't talk as much as we used to, it's still understood that we are supposed to be there for each other in times of crisis, and he was there for me when I hit the bottom. So, it would be very uncouth of me to fail to appear when he needed me.

    Anyway, I did cut my grandmother out of my life when she was so mentally ill I couldn't withstand her constant onslaught of guilt trips. I loved her, and I wanted to visit her, but every time I did, she'd make me feel like crap the entire time! So, I quit visiting her and did not go home to see her when she was dying (actually dying, she had given out her "death throes" before when she wasn't even on death's doorstep). Was it hard? A little. I felt bad for losing her since she was, you know, my grandma. And I ended up making some enemies out of people I knew from childhood.
    "I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference."

    Robert Frost

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