User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 43

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Posts
    37

    Default How do INFJ's learn to feel safe being loved?

    Hey everyone!! I am in a relationship with an INFJ and really would like INFJ help here.

    I recently notice I don't feel as secure around my SO as I usually am. It's because my SO is insecure and I believe projects this anxiety onto me. In turn she wonders why I am insecure then her empathy locks on to my 'pseudo' insecurity and the downward spiral is on.

    Now, I just want to love her. I told her I'm not alarmed and just want to love her. That it's as simple as that. I asked her to find a way and we sit down, I just will listen, and she can tell me how she feels about everything I've done. I just want to understand.

    She was broken by her parents very early as a child I believe. What would you do if you were in my shoes? I feel like I may remind her often that I love her. Nothing else matters.

    Please, Please, Please give your thoughts!! Relationship help needed here I can see light at the end of this tunnel I just feel for her!

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    2,532

    Default

    Try not come off as critical towards her. Support her and tell her how much you love and care about her <3. Explain to her that your feelings are genuine and that she can trust you. <3

    You are so sweet to care so much .
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

  3. #3
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    isfp
    Enneagram
    4w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    8,595

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lenian View Post
    She was broken by her parents very early as a child I believe. What would you do if you were in my shoes? I feel like I may remind her often that I love her. Nothing else matters.
    It is good you remind her often that you love her. That may need to continue indefinitely. I would say that she will likely need more reassurance and perhaps emotional consistency than average. I would also suggest that it is important to realize that if a person has been broken, it may not be possible for them to come back to a place of perfection. There will tend to be more negative emotions that have to be dealt with. Even if the problem is past, it is like having ghost pains in a limb that has been amputated. Sometimes people have emotional scars that are much like living with a physical scar. They never actually go away, but the person has to learn how to live with it. If that is the case, it can feel like pressure for a loved one to need those scars to go away based on something they can do to fix it.

    In the same way a person missing part of their leg has to plan ahead to get up and down the stairs and may need more time, a person with some types of emotional scars needs more time to negotiate and respond to certain situations. People can still be stronger because of it, but it is generally important to have people who are especially reliable and consistent in their love and acceptance. Just be sure that neither person feels pressure to make the emotional world perfect, but rather have a strong enough love to be able to remain consistent underneath the emotional scars and uncertainties.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  4. #4
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    807

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lenian View Post
    Hey everyone!! I am in a relationship with an INFJ and really would like INFJ help here.

    I recently notice I don't feel as secure around my SO as I usually am. It's because my SO is insecure and I believe projects this anxiety onto me. In turn she wonders why I am insecure then her empathy locks on to my 'pseudo' insecurity and the downward spiral is on.

    Now, I just want to love her. I told her I'm not alarmed and just want to love her. That it's as simple as that. I asked her to find a way and we sit down, I just will listen, and she can tell me how she feels about everything I've done. I just want to understand.

    She was broken by her parents very early as a child I believe. What would you do if you were in my shoes? I feel like I may remind her often that I love her. Nothing else matters.

    Please, Please, Please give your thoughts!! Relationship help needed here I can see light at the end of this tunnel I just feel for her!

    Thanks!

    It's not easy to gain emotional trust from INFJ as we constantly like to cast doubts even when we're in love. One thing I might suggest you is that try not to make any empty promise. We can take that quite seriously. Also, I think INFJs enjoy to experience the growth of love. So try not to idealized everything from the start by doing everything you can. Be a great listener to them by asking if there are anything that they would like to talk about, since we tend to be used to playing the listener role for others. Shower your love toward her through action and try not to rely too much on smothering .

    As for her being raised in broken family, I think you don't need to worry too much as it's common these days to have single parent. Though she might be more emotional clingy because of this, and might expected more from you. Just try to gain her trust by being honest with your feelings. Mutual communication and openness are the keys to secure a strong trust from INFJs.

  5. #5
    ThatGirl
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lenian View Post
    . Maybe, if she ever comes back to me, I just tell her I love her and that no one is going to make their life perfect and I accept her and her hurts, just that she knows I'm there for her.
    From a woman, that is a terrible thing to say.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    2,532

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatGirl View Post
    From a woman, that is a terrible thing to say.
    Agreed, too negative!
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

  7. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Posts
    37

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatGirl View Post
    From a woman, that is a terrible thing to say.
    Yea I know!!! This is not like me..It just feels like a stone. I'm more of a relax and smile kind of guy. Just worried about her.

  8. #8
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Enneagram
    4 so/sp
    Posts
    6,931

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lenian View Post
    Yes. She casts doubts around me a whole lot. I used to take it personally but I now see it as testing me. I have been consistent lately. Before I felt like guessing why she would doubt so many times. I didn't make the connections because it wasn't actually about the topics, just my consistency (ENTPs are spontaneous).


    I like what fia said in that I may need to continue indefinitely telling her I love her. SOUNDS GOOD TO ME!!
    Yep, consistency/reliability is really important. The emotional support/words is certainly important, but they will be read as empty if the consistency and reliability is not there in many other areas of life/interaction - i.e. time spent, following through with what's said, actions taken, etc. Words themselves can sometimes be viewed as meaningless if trust in everyday aspects of life and interaction isn't established. Nothing will be immediate, but consistent consistency in action will gradually shift things towards a more trusting relationship. (I think this is the biggest gap/challenge between ExxP's and IxxJ's; sometimes it works, other times it's not what's desired for the particular individuals. It's important too that YOU feel you're in the sort of relationship you want to be in, and aren't the only one doing all of the flexing) Also I'd say don't even try to pry things out of her. Once trust is established, that's when her revealing thoughts will happen. When she feels 'safe' and ok doing so. Just hearing the words 'it's safe' isn't going to make her believe it, if the trust isn't quite there in the first place.

    Also, the Love Languages concept might be helpful. If she reads/defines 'love' in one way, and you show it or view it in another way, that might be part of the disconnect.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints
    https://docs.google.com/uc?export=do...Gd5N3NZZE52QjQ

  9. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Posts
    37

    Default

    It can be hard to get to know an INFJ because if they don't feel comfy opening up, there's not much to go on to tell where they're coming from, to get to know them. This can feel extremely hurtful when someone loves them very much.

  10. #10
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Enneagram
    4 so/sp
    Posts
    6,931

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lenian View Post
    So then it's understandable if someone loves and is trying to reach out to an INFJ, not to try different things. Because this will be seen as inconsistency. ?
    I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

    I'm just saying, the consistency is not tied to just your loving/caring for her, it might be about everything you do in your life and follow-through with all of that. If you're so spontaneous as to be unpredictable and she can't rely on you that you'll be somewhere when you say you will be, or can't make any plans with you because you don't like to make plans, then there's no external 'consistency' for her to latch onto. Or if you've said various things in the past and not followed through with them (things maybe having nothing to do with the relationship itself), then she may not know whether the words you say to her are equally suspect. Just a few examples, I'm not saying you're like this at all. I'm just saying her trust in you / the relationship is probably tied to lots of things. Your consistency as a person, not just in the context of your relationship with her.

    Anyway a lot of this is speculation so take all of it with a big dash of salt. There's way more you'll be privy to, and one thing I also know is that there can be a lot of variation within a type. There often aren't hard and fast rules.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints
    https://docs.google.com/uc?export=do...Gd5N3NZZE52QjQ

Similar Threads

  1. [INFJ] Why do INFJs take ages to reply or not reply at all?
    By who in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 31
    Last Post: 01-26-2015, 11:28 PM
  2. [INFJ] How do INFJs deal with their need to be perfect?
    By HiddenAutumn in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: 04-01-2011, 05:58 PM
  3. [INFJ] How do INFJ's deal with stress?
    By whatusername in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 02-07-2011, 10:46 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO