[INFJ] How do INFJ's learn to feel safe being loved?

[iwakar]

As for her being raised in broken family, I think you don't need to worry too much as it's common these days to have single parent. Though she might be more emotional clingy because of this, and might expected more from you. Just try to gain her trust by being honest with your feelings. Mutual communication and openness are the keys to secure a strong trust from INFJs.

I am utterly baffled as to how you came to this conclusion. Did Lenian edit the op?

 

[Lenian]

This is just something that comes to mind while reading this thread. There seems to be a lot of emphasis in the op’ers posts about just “wanting to love her”. And there’s nothing wrong with that- but there could be a problem if you NEED her to feel loved and secure for your own sake (like, I don’t know, to be able to hurry up and experience the ‘beautiful moments’ of a relationship). This is the kind of thing INFJs tend to pick up on. There’s a difference between being loved for who we are vs. being a warm body in a relationship so someone can feel ‘love’ towards you. If you “just want to love her” for who she is, then keep loving her for who she is and let that soak in for her at her own pace. If it’s consistent, then eventually she’ll feel secure with it. If you need her to feel loved at a faster pace than she’s feeling it- then maybe ask yourself why?

I just know that too much pressure on her to “feel loved” will make that love seem conditional. [edit to add:] And if the love seems conditional, she's probably going to continue to project insecurities into it.

Also, +1 to pretty much everything cascadeco and fia said.

This is GREAT!!! Thanks!!!

 

[Lenian]

I am utterly baffled as to how you came to this conclusion. Did Lenian edit the op?

I just don't get this either. And nope no edit.

 

[Sparrow]

I just don't get this either. And nope no edit.

I am utterly baffled as to how you came to this conclusion. Did Lenian edit the op?

I think it was just a misunderstanding. She probably thought of "Broken Family" as parents divorcing rather then a child having a messed up childhood.

 

[iwakar]

I think it was just a misunderstanding. She probably thought of "Broken Family" as parents divorcing rather then a child having a messed up childhood.

I can speculate and that's a top 2 guess, but I'm asking her the question to give her a chance to explain the assumption rather than returning the favor.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

I think it was just a misunderstanding. She probably thought of "Broken Family" as parents divorcing rather then a child having a messed up childhood.

Yeah, English is Crescent's second language (actually, I think it might even be her 3rd or 4th, can't remember). I'd probably make mistakes like this left and right if I were communicating through a second language.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

I am utterly baffled as to how you came to this conclusion. Did Lenian edit the op?

I think it was just a misunderstanding. She probably thought of "Broken Family" as parents divorcing rather then a child having a messed up childhood.

Yes, Sparrow is right. Although I'm sure it was not easy for her to have her parents divorced, this is something she has to work it on her own. If she has to project her insecurity of relationship to her relationship with OP, then I must say it isn't fair for OP to deal with her emotional baggage. That was what I meant from my earlier post.

A messed up childhood is entirely a different story, of course.

 

[iwakar]

Yes, Sparrow is right. Although I'm sure it was not easy for her to have her parents divorced, this is something she has to work it on her own. If she has to project her insecurity of relationship to her relationship with OP, then I must say it isn't fair for OP to deal with her emotional baggage. That was what I meant from my earlier post.

A messed up childhood is entirely a different story, of course.

I'm confused because this post makes it sound like you're still assuming a broken childhood means a divorce...?

 

[Crescent Fresh]

I'm confused because this post makes it sound like you're still assuming a broken childhood means a divorce...?

I just re-read the OP. He didn't mean her family got a divorce at an early age. It's a totally misread.

Sorry for the confusion!

 

[Z Buck McFate]

This is GREAT!!! Thanks!!!

FWIW, I dated an ENTP for about 8 years. Him needing me to immediately believe and validate everything he was feeling was a serious problem (for me). I think it's fair to say most INFJs won't believe anything right away. We wait, and if something is consistently true- then we believe it.

 

[Starry]

[MENTION=11147]Lenian[/MENTION] hello!

I apologize...I won't be able to take the time to explain why I am asking this question because I'm kinda trying to do a 'whirl-wind cleaning' of my house right now...and I'm just taking little breaks here-and-there...reading on the site. But I'm kinda wanting to know... What is it that you love about this INFJ? What is it about her that makes her so special?

 

[iwakar]

I dated an INFP for years. For me it was safe, but ultimately, very dissatisfying. My interactions with ENTP have always been electric, but I've never dated one. I hope things work out for you. I wish I knew what else to offer.

 

[SilkRoad]

It's the deepest, most magnetic bond in the existence- at our souls-level.

What does this mean in practical terms?

Sorry, I'm a practical romantic...

 

[SilkRoad]

I have to admit I'd want something a lot more concrete than that. Maybe I'm not a real INFJ.

 

[1487610420]

I'm afraid she's met someone else. We both know we haven't communicated enough..and the perceptions walked on to skewed rationale assuming each meant to hurt or reject the other. It appears I got sucked into the vortices of the projected rejection whirpool without knowing what was going on. Then the ends justified the means from her limited ability to feel loved. God I feel so sad.

And it's not just her. Abuse places a toll on one's defenses. And without accurate understanding it goes downhill. She didn't open up to me. And now I understand why. We have seen each other a few times but she's set on taking a chance with this new guy..INFP, divorced, with child.

I don't even have a divorce in my past. And I'm not attractive!? He was willing to leave his marriage and give his child a broken home!!

Please help me to understand this. Do I just have to live with the hurt? INFJs tend, I have heard, to make up their mind sometimes, as to what is reality, and go with that assumption. Then we both got hurt and ended up like this.

I explained what really happened she did say she believes all that I've said. I think she still feels she doesn't want me anymore though based off her earlier assumptions or perception of reality. I hope she doesn't keep seeing the INFP guy. She says he's perfection. This is way complicated.

I proposed to her. She has the engagement ring. I don't know if she's just keeping it to not crush me. Everytime we contact each other she leaves some sort of open door..some possibility to see each other and not sever the relationship.

Now I can't tell what to believe.

This is part of their reasoning framework, yes. Now mix in all the skew and bias from whichever past baggage and the result is the framework being put to use in a less than healthy way, ultimately seeking to legitimize itself and there's nothing that can be done to fix it, as all requests will be to continue supporting the known existing mechanisms. And the drive will be to cater to last-ditch-efforts e.g. proposal for magic salvation, which you'll likely already know if is really coming from a healthy or unhealthy path to follow based on your gut and view of the big picture.

 

[Starry]

It's Abstract. I would say it feels like there's a visceral draw. Like gravity except horizontal towards each other.

I understand what you are saying here. Truly I do as I have this same bond/draw with an INFJ that has only increased in magnitude over the 6 years I have known him...and I do not see it ever going away. But [MENTION=7063]SilkRoad[/MENTION] is right. I was actually looking for answers that were more practical in nature. I'm probably not expressing this properly...but things/reasons that are actually removed from you. That don't have to do with you and how she makes you feel. Things that are 'stand-alone-her-own' that you appreciate and love about her...but I just noticed that you added some more to your thread and if she is now with another guy...? I need to go back and reread because I don't think I'm following all that is going on here.

 

[SilkRoad]

I understand what you are saying here. Truly I do as I have this same bond/draw with an INFJ that has only increased in magnitude over the 6 years I have known him...and I do not see it ever going away. But [MENTION=7063]SilkRoad[/MENTION] is right. I was actually looking for answers that were more practical in nature. I'm probably not expressing this properly...but things/reasons that are actually removed from you. That don't have to do with you and how she makes you feel. Things that are 'stand-alone-her-own' that you appreciate and love about her...but I just noticed that you added some more to your thread and if she is now with another guy...? I need to go back and reread because I don't think I'm following all that is going on here.

Yeah...exactly.

I don't mean this to sound hurtful to you (OP), but I just feel like this whole discussion is far too focused on your conception of what this relationship has been bringing you. Is it possibly on the rocks now because you haven't considered her feelings sufficiently in the past?

 

[cascadeco]

To kind of echo what Silkroad and ZBuck alluded to....with all of your posts, I'm left being struck with how much YOU love and care for her, and how much YOU want it to work, and any element of her seeing things differently, or not being open to that, is read as her not being 'open to your love' or 'rejecting your love'.

Ok, so... probably a callous statement here, but... what if SHE really doesn't see the longterm things in the way you do? What if she isn't so much 'rejecting' your love or unable to love, so much as she's unable to love YOU and in the end, the two of you together isn't what she's wanting?

It of course doesn't make the hurt you're feeling any less, as obviously you have your own set of feelings, but maybe in the end she doesn't see things the way you do. And why does this mean that her 'making up her mind to a certain reality' isn't in fact just as justified as the way you see it? Just something to think about.

As to 'soul connections', having experienced what I think is that sort of connection, I can say from my perspective that that uber-mental-connection is absolutely not enough, if there's no day-to-day reality of the relationship actually moving forward on a more pragmatic level... I mean, I could have the best connection in the world with someone, but if at the end of the day we have utterly different ways of navigating through life, or the 'simple' day-to-day navigation of life together is unable to be alligned together, then it's sort of like... I don't see it. Because, it's the boring day-to-day stuff, and interacting and making decisions together, that is the bulk of the reality of a relationship. So soul-connection is not at all everything.

 

[Epiphany]

I recently notice I don't feel as secure around my SO as I usually am. It's because my SO is insecure and I believe projects this anxiety onto me. In turn she wonders why I am insecure then her empathy locks on to my 'pseudo' insecurity and the downward spiral is on.

Perhaps, you are projecting your own insecurity onto her and she detects that which has taken a toll on the relationship.

And perhaps this insecurity is intuitively visible in me to this day. Come to think of it, I don't have a lot of friends. She (SO) has told me she thinks I have Aspberger's sp? even though I test clearly into the normal range. It's one thing after another, verbal insults. I told her I think she hurls insults at me to test my solidity. And she says last night "I know".

Why do you want to remain in a relationship with someone who is consistently verbally abusive to you?

I borrowed a couple of quotes from your other two threads which are on the same topic:

My INFJ ex just left me for an INFP guy. She tells me he's perfection.

The INFP is divorced with a child. That to me shows he has screwed up in marriage. I on the other hand, I haven't and have never been married. I don't even have a divorce in my past.

And I'm not attractive!? He was willing to leave his marriage and give his child a broken home!!

What problems might arise in an INFP-INFJ relationship where the INFJ is Very insulting and combative (hasn't been healthy, ever) never having a safe loving home, and the INFP is consistently disloyal to his family, divorced, and plays women for sex?

What specifically do you know about this man's prior history to assume that he is disloyal to his family and plays women for sex, etc...? It appears that you are insulting him for being divorced, but what makes your own failed relationship any less of an insult toward you, according to that rationale?

So I guess all in all no matter what the personality type, you still have to play the game. Well 'nuff said on that. I'm a master at playing the laws of attraction. I was hoping to hang it up during this relationship because, frankly, I now see it as perhaps immature. Regardless of my view, I don't get to choose.

I didn't afford her the pleasures of the game.

I've been too easy and have let her have it both ways. Oh my I'm gonna have to change this.

It's ironic that you would adopt this perspective after insulting her new lover for purportedly "playing women for sex," wouldn't you agree?

It's the deepest, most magnetic bond in the existence- at our souls-level.

Ok, so... probably a callous statement here, but... what if SHE really doesn't see the longterm things in the way you do? What if she isn't so much 'rejecting' your love or unable to love, so much as she's unable to love YOU and in the end, the two of you together isn't what she's wanting?

Yes, it appears that this relationship was a bit one-sided and the INFJ didn't see the potential in it that he did.

 

[ceecee]

What specifically do you know about this man's prior history to assume that he is disloyal to his family and plays women for sex, etc...? It appears that you are insulting him for being divorced, but what makes your own failed relationship any less of an insult toward you, according to that rationale?

I was coming in to ask just that.