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[INFJ] How do INFJ's learn to feel safe being loved?

Lenian

New member
Joined
Sep 14, 2010
Messages
37
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ENTP
Hey everyone!! I am in a relationship with an INFJ and really would like INFJ help here.

I recently notice I don't feel as secure around my SO as I usually am. It's because my SO is insecure and I believe projects this anxiety onto me. In turn she wonders why I am insecure then her empathy locks on to my 'pseudo' insecurity and the downward spiral is on.

Now, I just want to love her. I told her I'm not alarmed and just want to love her. That it's as simple as that. I asked her to find a way and we sit down, I just will listen, and she can tell me how she feels about everything I've done. I just want to understand.

She was broken by her parents very early as a child I believe. What would you do if you were in my shoes? I feel like I may remind her often that I love her. Nothing else matters.

Please, Please, Please give your thoughts!! Relationship help needed here I can see light at the end of this tunnel I just feel for her!

Thanks!
 

Sparrow

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May 28, 2010
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2,366
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so/sx
Try not come off as critical towards her. Support her and tell her how much you love and care about her <3. Explain to her that your feelings are genuine and that she can trust you. <3

You are so sweet to care so much :).
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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Apr 23, 2007
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She was broken by her parents very early as a child I believe. What would you do if you were in my shoes? I feel like I may remind her often that I love her. Nothing else matters.
It is good you remind her often that you love her. That may need to continue indefinitely. I would say that she will likely need more reassurance and perhaps emotional consistency than average. I would also suggest that it is important to realize that if a person has been broken, it may not be possible for them to come back to a place of perfection. There will tend to be more negative emotions that have to be dealt with. Even if the problem is past, it is like having ghost pains in a limb that has been amputated. Sometimes people have emotional scars that are much like living with a physical scar. They never actually go away, but the person has to learn how to live with it. If that is the case, it can feel like pressure for a loved one to need those scars to go away based on something they can do to fix it.

In the same way a person missing part of their leg has to plan ahead to get up and down the stairs and may need more time, a person with some types of emotional scars needs more time to negotiate and respond to certain situations. People can still be stronger because of it, but it is generally important to have people who are especially reliable and consistent in their love and acceptance. Just be sure that neither person feels pressure to make the emotional world perfect, but rather have a strong enough love to be able to remain consistent underneath the emotional scars and uncertainties.
 

Crescent Fresh

Diving into Ni-space
Joined
Mar 17, 2011
Messages
802
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4w5
Hey everyone!! I am in a relationship with an INFJ and really would like INFJ help here.

I recently notice I don't feel as secure around my SO as I usually am. It's because my SO is insecure and I believe projects this anxiety onto me. In turn she wonders why I am insecure then her empathy locks on to my 'pseudo' insecurity and the downward spiral is on.

Now, I just want to love her. I told her I'm not alarmed and just want to love her. That it's as simple as that. I asked her to find a way and we sit down, I just will listen, and she can tell me how she feels about everything I've done. I just want to understand.

She was broken by her parents very early as a child I believe. What would you do if you were in my shoes? I feel like I may remind her often that I love her. Nothing else matters.

Please, Please, Please give your thoughts!! Relationship help needed here I can see light at the end of this tunnel I just feel for her!

Thanks!


It's not easy to gain emotional trust from INFJ as we constantly like to cast doubts even when we're in love. One thing I might suggest you is that try not to make any empty promise. We can take that quite seriously. Also, I think INFJs enjoy to experience the growth of love. So try not to idealized everything from the start by doing everything you can. Be a great listener to them by asking if there are anything that they would like to talk about, since we tend to be used to playing the listener role for others. Shower your love toward her through action and try not to rely too much on smothering .

As for her being raised in broken family, I think you don't need to worry too much as it's common these days to have single parent. Though she might be more emotional clingy because of this, and might expected more from you. Just try to gain her trust by being honest with your feelings. Mutual communication and openness are the keys to secure a strong trust from INFJs.
 
T

ThatGirl

Guest
. Maybe, if she ever comes back to me, I just tell her I love her and that no one is going to make their life perfect and I accept her and her hurts, just that she knows I'm there for her.

From a woman, that is a terrible thing to say.
 

cascadeco

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Oct 7, 2007
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Yes. She casts doubts around me a whole lot. I used to take it personally but I now see it as testing me. I have been consistent lately. Before I felt like guessing why she would doubt so many times. I didn't make the connections because it wasn't actually about the topics, just my consistency (ENTPs are spontaneous).


I like what fia said in that I may need to continue indefinitely telling her I love her. SOUNDS GOOD TO ME!!

Yep, consistency/reliability is really important. The emotional support/words is certainly important, but they will be read as empty if the consistency and reliability is not there in many other areas of life/interaction - i.e. time spent, following through with what's said, actions taken, etc. Words themselves can sometimes be viewed as meaningless if trust in everyday aspects of life and interaction isn't established. Nothing will be immediate, but consistent consistency in action will gradually shift things towards a more trusting relationship. (I think this is the biggest gap/challenge between ExxP's and IxxJ's; sometimes it works, other times it's not what's desired for the particular individuals. It's important too that YOU feel you're in the sort of relationship you want to be in, and aren't the only one doing all of the flexing) Also I'd say don't even try to pry things out of her. Once trust is established, that's when her revealing thoughts will happen. When she feels 'safe' and ok doing so. Just hearing the words 'it's safe' isn't going to make her believe it, if the trust isn't quite there in the first place.

Also, the Love Languages concept might be helpful. If she reads/defines 'love' in one way, and you show it or view it in another way, that might be part of the disconnect.
 

Lenian

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Sep 14, 2010
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37
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ENTP
It can be hard to get to know an INFJ because if they don't feel comfy opening up, there's not much to go on to tell where they're coming from, to get to know them. This can feel extremely hurtful when someone loves them very much.
 

cascadeco

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So then it's understandable if someone loves and is trying to reach out to an INFJ, not to try different things. Because this will be seen as inconsistency. ?

I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

I'm just saying, the consistency is not tied to just your loving/caring for her, it might be about everything you do in your life and follow-through with all of that. If you're so spontaneous as to be unpredictable and she can't rely on you that you'll be somewhere when you say you will be, or can't make any plans with you because you don't like to make plans, then there's no external 'consistency' for her to latch onto. Or if you've said various things in the past and not followed through with them (things maybe having nothing to do with the relationship itself), then she may not know whether the words you say to her are equally suspect. Just a few examples, I'm not saying you're like this at all. I'm just saying her trust in you / the relationship is probably tied to lots of things. Your consistency as a person, not just in the context of your relationship with her.

Anyway a lot of this is speculation so take all of it with a big dash of salt. There's way more you'll be privy to, and one thing I also know is that there can be a lot of variation within a type. There often aren't hard and fast rules.
 

1487610420

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Apr 13, 2009
Messages
6,431
It's not possible to spoon-feed love down someone's throat. All multiple vectors require attention, besides whichever baggage she carries, your own requires attention, too, as your wants will be stemming out of it, and if rooted in an unhealthy place e.g. out of fear of loss, that won't be sufficient for building anything and will be picked-up on. The balance must first exist within.
 

CuriousFeeling

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To respond to the OP... focus on the positive and show that you are committed to making things right. It's not just what you say to her that will make a difference, but what you do that will have deep meaning. If you leave her with empty promises or commitments, you will lose her trust. Take her seriously, and treat her with respect. If you say that you will do A for her, then do A for her. Words of affirmation work in the moment, but in the long-term your actions are what will take hold.
 
T

ThatGirl

Guest
Have you ever been in a relationship where the SO projects insecurities no matter what? I mean, if it's not one thing, it's another used to blame. Where it becomes a seemingly random rant of accusations..and if one doesn't turn out to stick to the accused, another and another until some hurt is known and can be used as ammo? Each accusation that turns out wrong is duly acknowledged as meritless by the accuser but persistence ensues until some imperfection is identified, then Wham! You are busted!!

Why would someone do this?

Sorry for the rant.

Hehehehe!

People do this because if you don't have a flaw it scares them, and they cant relax. They just KNOW everyone is flawed, they are going to let their guard down, and you are going to hurt them in a way you couldn't have predicted. But they can, if they catch it first.

Sometimes people are just harmful, even if they aren't aware it would really hurt them. Because of this it is hard to believe someone who says they are always there for them, if they aren't honest and smart enough to know, that is actually impossible.

Best thing you can do, is help your lady to understand that it is okay to be okay! And that all the wonderful experiences you have together will more than compensate for the times you may or may not screw up. Tell her you love her, and that through it all, you never have the intention to deceive or harm her. Even if it happens, its never on purpose, and as long as you guys can sit down and talk about it, she will always see that while you may have messed up it was not out of spite. That you will always be honest with each other, and you are open enough to tell her if something were bothering you to the point it changed your intentions toward her.

Then tell her that is all you can possibly do, and that it is ultimately up to her whether she can accept that or not.



*That's how the playas do it! :p
 

Lenian

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Sep 14, 2010
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ENTP
Hehehehe!

People do this because if you don't have a flaw it scares them, and they cant relax. They just KNOW everyone is flawed, they are going to let their guard down, and you are going to hurt them in a way you couldn't have predicted. But they can, if they catch it first.

Best thing you can do is help your lady to understand that it is okay to be okay! And that all the wonderful experiences you have together will more than compensate for the times you may or may not screw up. Tell her you love her, and that through it all, you never have the intention to deceive or harm her.

Then tell her that is all you can possibly do, and that it is ultimately up to her whether she can accept that or not.



*That's how the playas do it! :p


Ohh! Thanks!!!
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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Have you ever been in a relationship where the SO projects insecurities no matter what? I mean, if it's not one thing, it's another used to blame. Where it becomes a seemingly random rant of accusations..and if one doesn't turn out to stick to the accused, another and another until some hurt is known and can be used as ammo? Each accusation that turns out wrong is duly acknowledged as meritless by the accuser but persistence ensues until some imperfection is identified, then Wham! You are busted!!

Why would someone do this?

Sorry for the rant.
If a person's perceptions are shifting from reality, then they need more help than a relationship can provide. She might need counseling and an additional support system. She may not have the emotional foundation for a relationship just yet. The issue I mentioned about emotional scars being permanent requires that the person does learn how to work around them.

The reason people keep seeing rejection where it is not occurring is because they experienced enough rejection in the past that it is imprinted upon them. They project past experiences onto the present as a way to be prepared for when the certain rejection comes. It is a self defensive mechanism based on the assumption that rejection is a certainty and so you have to be watchful and ready for it. It can get bad enough that it becomes sabotage in which the person destroys any relationships they have because they only know how to function with rejection. They don't have the toolkit to deal with love and trust. People extremely scarred either seek out rejection based (even abusive) relationship or they impose the assumption of those dynamics onto potentially healthy relationships.

I don't think this is a reason to reject or punish someone who faces these scars, but to have compassion. This might mean giving them time before they have to deal with the emotional complexities of a romantic relationship. It certainly means helping them have a support system which I would say includes professional counseling, and access to reliable friends and family outside the romantic relationship. These people will be a sounding board to help re-establish a clear sense of reality and to re-balance the emotional confusions.

As a word of compassion for people with these issues - realize that childhood abuses and rejections go deeply into the framework of a person's mind, and it is no simple task to overcome these fear-based defense mechanisms. Extended exposure to anxiety and fear produces higher levels of cortisol in the system which can damage the amygdala which regulates fear responses. This is to say to too much fear and anxiety can damage the hardware of the brain so that it experiences more of the same. This can also mean that a professional might recommend some medications to level out the anxiety problems to keep any further damage from occurring as a result. There are also negative mental feed-back loops for rejection and anxiety that need to be broken which a professional counselor could help with.

edit: some of my comments are a bit specific and may not apply in any one particular case, but just the general principles of it are what I am trying to convey.
 

Billy

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Oct 20, 2009
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Be as consistent as possible and dont let her down.
 

Z Buck McFate

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This is just something that comes to mind while reading this thread. There seems to be a lot of emphasis in the op’ers posts about just “wanting to love her”. And there’s nothing wrong with that- but there could be a problem if you NEED her to feel loved and secure for your own sake (like, I don’t know, to be able to hurry up and experience the ‘beautiful moments’ of a relationship). This is the kind of thing INFJs tend to pick up on. There’s a difference between being loved for who we are vs. being a warm body in a relationship so someone can feel ‘love’ towards you. If you “just want to love her” for who she is, then keep loving her for who she is and let that soak in for her at her own pace. If it’s consistent, then eventually she’ll feel secure with it. If you need her to feel loved at a faster pace than she’s feeling it- then maybe ask yourself why?

I just know that too much pressure on her to “feel loved” will make that love seem conditional. [edit to add:] And if the love seems conditional, she's probably going to continue to project insecurities into it.

Also, +1 to pretty much everything cascadeco and fia said.
 

Tallulah

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Feb 19, 2008
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6,009
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Sometimes ENTPs don't realize that they need to do a bit of reassuring: They know they love the person and wouldn't cheat, aren't going anywhere, etc., but their behavior speaks of flightiness and noncommitment. They often give a player vibe. They come across as charmers, so the INFJ might think that pretty words are pretty easy for them to give, but the actions are making them question the ENTP's sincerity. Be willing to take it slow. Build trust. Make room in your everyday life for her. Include her in the mundane things, as well as the exciting things. Let her know she's different than other women in your life. That she's special. Back off the words and show her by your actions that you plan to include her going forward, that she isn't making a mistake by trusting you with her vulnerable side. And realize that Is often move more slowly than Es.
 

ilovelurking

New member
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Aug 10, 2009
Messages
156
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Sometimes ENTPs don't realize that they need to do a bit of reassuring: They know they love the person and wouldn't cheat, aren't going anywhere, etc., but their behavior speaks of flightiness and noncommitment. They often give a player vibe. They come across as charmers, so the INFJ might think that pretty words are pretty easy for them to give, but the actions are making them question the ENTP's sincerity. Be willing to take it slow. Build trust. Make room in your everyday life for her. Include her in the mundane things, as well as the exciting things. Let her know she's different than other women in your life. That she's special. Back off the words and show her by your actions that you plan to include her going forward, that she isn't making a mistake by trusting you with her vulnerable side. And realize that Is often move more slowly than Es.

+1

Well said!
 

Lenian

New member
Joined
Sep 14, 2010
Messages
37
MBTI Type
ENTP
If a person's perceptions are shifting from reality, then they need more help than a relationship can provide. She might need counseling and an additional support system. She may not have the emotional foundation for a relationship just yet. The issue I mentioned about emotional scars being permanent requires that the person does learn how to work around them.

The reason people keep seeing rejection where it is not occurring is because they experienced enough rejection in the past that it is imprinted upon them. They project past experiences onto the present as a way to be prepared for when the certain rejection comes. It is a self defensive mechanism based on the assumption that rejection is a certainty and so you have to be watchful and ready for it. It can get bad enough that it becomes sabotage in which the person destroys any relationships they have because they only know how to function with rejection. They don't have the toolkit to deal with love and trust. People extremely scarred either seek out rejection based (even abusive) relationship or they impose the assumption of those dynamics onto potentially healthy relationships.

I don't think this is a reason to reject or punish someone who faces these scars, but to have compassion. This might mean giving them time before they have to deal with the emotional complexities of a romantic relationship. It certainly means helping them have a support system which I would say includes professional counseling, and access to reliable friends and family outside the romantic relationship. These people will be a sounding board to help re-establish a clear sense of reality and to re-balance the emotional confusions.

As a word of compassion for people with these issues - realize that childhood abuses and rejections go deeply into the framework of a person's mind, and it is no simple task to overcome these fear-based defense mechanisms. Extended exposure to anxiety and fear produces higher levels of cortisol in the system which can damage the amygdala which regulates fear responses. This is to say to too much fear and anxiety can damage the hardware of the brain so that it experiences more of the same. This can also mean that a professional might recommend some medications to level out the anxiety problems to keep any further damage from occurring as a result. There are also negative mental feed-back loops for rejection and anxiety that need to be broken which a professional counselor could help with.

edit: some of my comments are a bit specific and may not apply in any one particular case, but just the general principles of it are what I am trying to convey.

^THIS IS AWESOME!!!!^
 
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