[INFJ] The INFJ Doorslam

[Eileen]

I read about the "INFJ doorslam" a few years ago on a list-serve or website, and it definitely resonated when I considered my own behavior. The idea is, the INFJ will get so fed up with a person that she'll totally shut that person out of her life. I have done this a couple of times (so far, permanently) when I have felt deeply betrayed or hurt. My anger can be formidable, but instead of railing against the betrayal, I simply shut off and shut out. It feels like it's necessary for survival in the moments when I make the decision, and from other people's perspectives, it seems really cold and heartless. But usually by that point, I have been patient/forgiving/receptive, and then I say "Screw it. You're out."

I also do this with break-ups, but it doesn't tend to be permanent in those cases. I just have to shut out my exes for a time so that I can clear my brain and heart of them. I didn't do this with the ex I lived with, but he also moved to another town, so I didn't really have to.

Does this sound familiar, INFJs? Do you do this?

 

[Jae Rae]

Yes. I've done this, usually after a very upsetting action by the other person. I've only done it once after a lot of little things added up to one big mad-on. The other times it's been after the other party has done or said something so hurtful, nasty or dismissive, it seemed pointless to continue with her.

I've put people on hold, where I back off for a little while and don't contact them, but I don't consider that the same thing. More like avoiding a permanent door slam by going on a vacation. It feels different to me.

Jae Rae

 

[cafe]

I do it. I haven't done it many times and sometimes I feel it coming and try to prevent it by either avoiding the person for awhile or instigating some kind of conflict in hopes of getting things sorted out into something sustainable. I don't think anyone has ever come back from a doorslam with me, but I'm not ruling it out. I still have half a lifetime left.

For me, what it comes down to is that there are just some things people don't get to do to me.

 

[Geoff]

INXP here. Whatever the hell I am. Anyway, yes I do that. Usually only for a time. Record was 3 years.

 

[Totenkindly]

I don't do it, I just can't lock people out *sigh* I am too understanding of people, even when they're hurting me [I mean "understanding" literally, I intellectually empathize with people if I understand why they are behaving as they are], but I understand it why it happens.

I definitely think IxFJs are capable of this and have done it.

INFJs seem to be even more tough-minded about it too, than the ISFJs I have interacted with. I was a little worried about my little girl, with everything else happening. She is INFJ and could easily do this sort of thing, but she hasn't. It's simply like the idealism coupled with the need for closure eventually gets to a point where the end is reached, and that's the final word.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

My doorslams consist of me running away from someone who made me feel vulnerable and/or violated. If I fear they could manipulate me, then I avoid them. It focuses on self protection, not anger. I often understand at least in sketchy terms why they behaved as they did, or at least guess at it, so anger doesn't make sense. What happens, happens. In business it's also about conservation of resources. If someone cheats me, then it's easy enough to find others to do business with. It would be wasteful to continue such a relationship.

 

[wedekit]

Guilty as charged.

 

[SolitaryPenguin]

I have no problem whatsoever completely writing people out of my life that betray my trust or prove to be an inherently bad person. I will go to great lengths to avoid ever being placed in a situation where I would have to see them and/or talk to them.

I am sure it has more to do with my aversion to conflict, but it takes very little effort for me to completely erase someone like that from my mind and memory.

 

[quietgirl]

I do it with past relationships. I still do not speak to my exes as a result of this doorslam - no matter how close we were at one time.

I'm not sure if it's simply an NFJ thing over an IFJ thing, though. My ISFJ boyfriend stays on good terms with people and has maintained a close friendship with his ex girlfriend now that he feels there are no feelings left between them. He actually prides himself on being able to do this. His reasoning is that they were best friends through the relationship and during the last couple years, they were simply friends going through the motions of a failed relationship. Now that the dysfunctional relationship is done between them, their friendship is better. He doesn't understand my "doorslam" because he feels that if you had a close friendship within a relationship then that friendship can still stay solid after the pressures of being in the wrong relationship are gone.

I think that if someone hurts me, they don't deserve my friendship anymore. Despite having a best friend in my ex boyfriend, he hurt me and the relationship didn't work out & I have never looked back or maintained any sort of friendship with him afterwards. He got the doorslam!

 

[Randomnity]

Interesting that this topic has come up, since one of my best friends, an INFJ, is currently doing this to me and not talking to me at all. BAH. I know it's temporary but it still hurts. I've never had anyone else do this to me.

Any tips on helping him get over it, then? Or is it just a time/space thing, like I'm thinking?

 

[quietgirl]

Interesting that this topic has come up, since one of my best friends, an INFJ, is currently doing this to me and not talking to me at all. BAH. I know it's temporary but it still hurts. I've never had anyone else do this to me.

Any tips on helping him get over it, then? Or is it just a time/space thing, like I'm thinking?

If I do it with a friendship and not a past relationship, then it depends on the reason for the doorslam. I felt very disrespected by one of my best friends and last week was the first time I returned her phone call in a year.

If someone I've doorslammed approaches me with sincerity, I may be more willing to open the door again. However, I'll proceed with caution until they earn my trust again. It's very hard to earn my full trust and near impossible to earn it once it's lost.

I fully recognize that this isn't healthy behavior and for what it's worth, I wish I could figure out a way to be a bit more mature about issues in my life.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

It may be worth adding this. For me (and possibly other INFs?) there are times when I get rather distant, but it isn't a doorslam. It has more to do with conservation of energy. I have no emotional reserves left and draw inward. I recently went through a period like that and haven't spoken with my family very much. It has nothing to do with them. In those cases it helps to have someone seek me out, but not with complications. I thought this was worth mentioning so that INF distancing isn't always seen as some dramatic doorslam. It can be like this distant, dreamlike, bittersweet angst that pulls you inside yourself and it can be difficult to find your way back out.

 

[Randomnity]

If I do it with a friendship and not a past relationship, then it depends on the reason for the doorslam. I felt very disrespected by one of my best friends and last week was the first time I returned her phone call in a year.

If someone I've doorslammed approaches me with sincerity, I may be more willing to open the door again. However, I'll proceed with caution until they earn my trust again. It's very hard to earn my full trust and near impossible to earn it once it's lost.

I fully recognize that this isn't healthy behavior and for what it's worth, I wish I could figure out a way to be a bit more mature about issues in my life.

I know (or I'm pretty sure, anyway) that it's not a trust or respect thing....more about boundaries and miscommunications, I think. He said he didn't want to talk about it and it'd blow over, so I've been "giving him space" too (ie ignoring him). It's just weird being completely closed out when it's usually such open communication.

 

[Eileen]

Interesting that this topic has come up, since one of my best friends, an INFJ, is currently doing this to me and not talking to me at all. BAH. I know it's temporary but it still hurts. I've never had anyone else do this to me.

Any tips on helping him get over it, then? Or is it just a time/space thing, like I'm thinking?

If he's like me - it's a time and space thing. I don't want to talk or solve anything.... I just want room.

 

[nightning]

Agrees with Eileen... Time alone to recuperate.

I've never done a complete door slam and shut somebody out forever, but I've had short stints of ignoring and not responding to someone who has upset me for a few days. Because after that I feel bad because I was acting irrational.

It's more often for me to blow up in front of somebody than to block them out.

 

[Ender]

It may be worth adding this. For me (and possibly other INFs?) there are times when I get rather distant, but it isn't a doorslam. It has more to do with conservation of energy. I have no emotional reserves left and draw inward. I recently went through a period like that and haven't spoken with my family very much. It has nothing to do with them. In those cases it helps to have someone seek me out, but not with complications. I thought this was worth mentioning so that INF distancing isn't always seen as some dramatic doorslam. It can be like this distant, dreamlike, bittersweet angst that pulls you inside yourself and it can be difficult to find your way back out.

I get distant with people as well. Especially when I know that they want something from me I'd rather not give. My family can get shut out a lot in cases like that. My grandmother is currently on ignore since I know if I talk to her I'll be tempted to lose my cool way too quickly.

 

[batumi]

My doorslams consist of me running away from someone who made me feel vulnerable and/or violated. If I fear they could manipulate me, then I avoid them. It focuses on self protection, not anger.

Thank you for describing this so perfectly. I was on the verge of doing
this just yesterday with an ESFJ I have just begun seeing. I want to add
that it doesn't always mean the person is being manipulative. I might just
be feeling overly vulnerable.

 

[ladypinkington]

I read about the "INFJ doorslam" a few years ago on a list-serve or website, and it definitely resonated when I considered my own behavior. The idea is, the INFJ will get so fed up with a person that she'll totally shut that person out of her life. I have done this a couple of times (so far, permanently) when I have felt deeply betrayed or hurt. My anger can be formidable, but instead of railing against the betrayal, I simply shut off and shut out. It feels like it's necessary for survival in the moments when I make the decision, and from other people's perspectives, it seems really cold and heartless. But usually by that point, I have been patient/forgiving/receptive, and then I say "Screw it. You're out."

I also do this with break-ups, but it doesn't tend to be permanent in those cases. I just have to shut out my exes for a time so that I can clear my brain and heart of them. I didn't do this with the ex I lived with, but he also moved to another town, so I didn't really have to.

Does this sound familiar, INFJs? Do you do this?

Oh my gosh yes.

I have shut the door on several people. What I have realised is my door shutting depends on the character and nature of the person and how they effect me.

There have been people who I have liked a lot at first but wasn't respected by them and realised even if they did respect me- that they brought me down just being around them and they didn't inspire or bring out good or growth in me that I could feel or see and sometimes I have to shut the door on people who I don't feel I inspire or bring out good or growth in. I also realise that if I don't have respect that I can't have a friendship- I don't believe in having to earn respect or proving my worth as a human being- no one is better then me and I am not better then anyone else.

I am very impressionable and people's attitudes and vibes get to me- even if not directed at me- I absorb them- so a very angry or hostile person I just can't deal with being around or have a friendship with. I have realised that I shut the door on those types of people I have described and I realise that they are not bad people- just people that I can't afford to be around- it's like I am not good or strong enough for them and they are too destructive to my spirit to be around- I don't play games and I don't believe in wasting my or other people's time with having to earn respects so I shut the door.

I am also the type to not deal with aquantainces well- someone is either a close friend or is on their way to becoming a close friend- if I see no climbing in a relationship ladder in the future then I don't know what to do with that person and it's all just a waste of emotional energy and time- so I shut the door.

I have never been the type who can be friends with the ex- I have to start over and move on and I just can't do that with an ex hanging around in my life.

 

[Eileen]

It's more often for me to blow up in front of somebody than to block them out.

I was like this when I was younger. Now I don't blow up; I walk away.

 

[disregard]

I do it, but it's never because I feel deeply betrayed or hurt.. it's because the person is not being respectful in some way, shape, or form. Of course, a lack of respect can lead to feelings of hurt, but usually the deal-breaker is something that really communicates that they have reached a new low that I will not tolerate.

I usually slam the door on people I have become emotionally invested in. It has reached the point where I am afraid of starting friendships because I always sever ties at some point, and it makes me feel really guilty.