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  1. #1
    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
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    Default The INFJ Doorslam

    I read about the "INFJ doorslam" a few years ago on a list-serve or website, and it definitely resonated when I considered my own behavior. The idea is, the INFJ will get so fed up with a person that she'll totally shut that person out of her life. I have done this a couple of times (so far, permanently) when I have felt deeply betrayed or hurt. My anger can be formidable, but instead of railing against the betrayal, I simply shut off and shut out. It feels like it's necessary for survival in the moments when I make the decision, and from other people's perspectives, it seems really cold and heartless. But usually by that point, I have been patient/forgiving/receptive, and then I say "Screw it. You're out."

    I also do this with break-ups, but it doesn't tend to be permanent in those cases. I just have to shut out my exes for a time so that I can clear my brain and heart of them. I didn't do this with the ex I lived with, but he also moved to another town, so I didn't really have to.

    Does this sound familiar, INFJs? Do you do this?
    INFJ

    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

  2. #2
    Free-Rangin' Librarian Jae Rae's Avatar
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    Yes. I've done this, usually after a very upsetting action by the other person. I've only done it once after a lot of little things added up to one big mad-on. The other times it's been after the other party has done or said something so hurtful, nasty or dismissive, it seemed pointless to continue with her.

    I've put people on hold, where I back off for a little while and don't contact them, but I don't consider that the same thing. More like avoiding a permanent door slam by going on a vacation. It feels different to me.

    Jae Rae
    Proud Female Rider in Maverick's Bike Club.

  3. #3
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I do it. I haven't done it many times and sometimes I feel it coming and try to prevent it by either avoiding the person for awhile or instigating some kind of conflict in hopes of getting things sorted out into something sustainable. I don't think anyone has ever come back from a doorslam with me, but I'm not ruling it out. I still have half a lifetime left.

    For me, what it comes down to is that there are just some things people don't get to do to me.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  4. #4
    Lallygag Moderator Geoff's Avatar
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    INXP here. Whatever the hell I am. Anyway, yes I do that. Usually only for a time. Record was 3 years.

  5. #5
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    I don't do it, I just can't lock people out *sigh* I am too understanding of people, even when they're hurting me [I mean "understanding" literally, I intellectually empathize with people if I understand why they are behaving as they are], but I understand it why it happens.

    I definitely think IxFJs are capable of this and have done it.

    INFJs seem to be even more tough-minded about it too, than the ISFJs I have interacted with. I was a little worried about my little girl, with everything else happening. She is INFJ and could easily do this sort of thing, but she hasn't. It's simply like the idealism coupled with the need for closure eventually gets to a point where the end is reached, and that's the final word.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  6. #6
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    My doorslams consist of me running away from someone who made me feel vulnerable and/or violated. If I fear they could manipulate me, then I avoid them. It focuses on self protection, not anger. I often understand at least in sketchy terms why they behaved as they did, or at least guess at it, so anger doesn't make sense. What happens, happens. In business it's also about conservation of resources. If someone cheats me, then it's easy enough to find others to do business with. It would be wasteful to continue such a relationship.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

  7. #7
    Senior Member wedekit's Avatar
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    Guilty as charged.
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  8. #8
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    I have no problem whatsoever completely writing people out of my life that betray my trust or prove to be an inherently bad person. I will go to great lengths to avoid ever being placed in a situation where I would have to see them and/or talk to them.

    I am sure it has more to do with my aversion to conflict, but it takes very little effort for me to completely erase someone like that from my mind and memory.

  9. #9
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    I do it with past relationships. I still do not speak to my exes as a result of this doorslam - no matter how close we were at one time.

    I'm not sure if it's simply an NFJ thing over an IFJ thing, though. My ISFJ boyfriend stays on good terms with people and has maintained a close friendship with his ex girlfriend now that he feels there are no feelings left between them. He actually prides himself on being able to do this. His reasoning is that they were best friends through the relationship and during the last couple years, they were simply friends going through the motions of a failed relationship. Now that the dysfunctional relationship is done between them, their friendship is better. He doesn't understand my "doorslam" because he feels that if you had a close friendship within a relationship then that friendship can still stay solid after the pressures of being in the wrong relationship are gone.

    I think that if someone hurts me, they don't deserve my friendship anymore. Despite having a best friend in my ex boyfriend, he hurt me and the relationship didn't work out & I have never looked back or maintained any sort of friendship with him afterwards. He got the doorslam!

  10. #10
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    Interesting that this topic has come up, since one of my best friends, an INFJ, is currently doing this to me and not talking to me at all. BAH. I know it's temporary but it still hurts. I've never had anyone else do this to me.

    Any tips on helping him get over it, then? Or is it just a time/space thing, like I'm thinking?

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