[INFJ] The INFJ Doorslam

[quietmusician]

I have a very large door. And I have slammed it a couple of times causing the person to fall completely on their ass.

 

[INTJMom]

I read about the "INFJ doorslam" a few years ago on a list-serve or website, and it definitely resonated when I considered my own behavior. The idea is, the INFJ will get so fed up with a person that she'll totally shut that person out of her life. I have done this a couple of times (so far, permanently) when I have felt deeply betrayed or hurt. My anger can be formidable, but instead of railing against the betrayal, I simply shut off and shut out. It feels like it's necessary for survival in the moments when I make the decision, and from other people's perspectives, it seems really cold and heartless. But usually by that point, I have been patient/forgiving/receptive, and then I say "Screw it. You're out."

I also do this with break-ups, but it doesn't tend to be permanent in those cases. I just have to shut out my exes for a time so that I can clear my brain and heart of them. I didn't do this with the ex I lived with, but he also moved to another town, so I didn't really have to.

Does this sound familiar, INFJs? Do you do this?

INTJs do that too.
I did it many times as a child.
I probably still do it.

 

[PureWhispers]

I've doorslammed more times than I should have, probably.

 

[Sniffles]

Yeah I've done this several times. I even gave the one girl who really loved me the doorslam. Basically at the time I already had feelings for another girl and things developed so quickly between us that I just panicked. I must admit it hurts several years after the fact.

 

[sade]

I have done this. Couple of times rather abrubtly after my trust was completely betrayed. So I shut all connections. It does cause wonder in some how I can just lock people outside comletely.
I did a smallish one this autumn, I could see that I couldn't relate to the people around me nor get along that well. So I started fading and using the 'right to choose company' to my advantage.

 

[Synarch]

Do you mean physical contact or just social contact in general?

Social contact in general.

 

[QuentinBeck]

Yea, I 'slam the door' in people's faces all the time.

 

[hokie912]

I initially thought that I'd never done this, but after thinking about it, I have on a few occasions. I shut out a close ESFJ friend in college. Our group of friends had a huge falling out and she held a grudge towards me for not unequivocally picking her side. We were still outwardly friends, but I knew that I was trying way harder to keep up the friendship than she was. I invested a lot into trying to mend fences, and one day I was just done. I'm not going to settle for being low on someone's priority list when I care a lot and seeing the relationship's decline is painful to me. I haven't spoken to her since. I think that if she'd made at least a little effort to reestablish contact, we'd at least be cordial acquaintances now, but since she hasn't, we're strangers.

I can also shut someone out emotionally and they have no idea that the door's been slammed. I have an extremely rocky relationship with my father, who has a lot of issues with substance abuse. I spent the better part of my childhood and adolescence investing in him emotionally and believing that he could change. I can't even begin to express how much of myself I invested in that relationship, only to be let down time after time. One day, door-slam. I'm not even sure he knows it...I would think he must get some sense, but maybe not. I still talk to him, but I have almost no emotional investment in what he does. There's a wall of self-preservation there. I'd probably have done better to cut ties completely, but the relationship as it stands is very, very compartmentalized and has no impact on my emotional well-being.

 

[the state i am in]

i haven't ever had a major doorslam, but i struggle with this constant like spinning sense of 180 that i do with people all the time. it seems so absurd and childish, but i really haven't quite figured out how to manage my feelings when i am disappointed or (probably more so) disillusioned about how things actually are between myself and someone i feel i care deeply about. it's just hot and cold, immediately putting up barriers between myself and others bc i can't just stand in there and take it. it's just really obvious to me sometimes that the way you thought (or hoped) someone cared about you, was totally fictitious and wrong and that the ideals you hoped were possibly conveyed in this relationship are actually no where to be found and this was all for naught from the beginning and how could you have been so stupid not to see it in the first place?

i think as you mature it becomes easier and easier to ride out the waves of disappointment and, even more so, get rid of the most infantile and like lyrical expectations that plague immature infj relationships. but the doorslam, at times, is necessary- to jump off before the whole sinking ship drags you under.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

In personal interactions it can be hard to let go of a rejection, so I can withdraw until I feel stronger and more centered. I will have to say that once someone has meant a great deal to me, I can't slam the door completely. I've had a few recent events where some of the people closest to me in the world hurt me in a significant way. The events could warrant some degree of door slammage, but I couldn't because I have some understanding (however limited) that their experience made the rejection look like the best course, so holding steady in my reaction to them was healing. What I've learned is how much pain flawed perceptions can cause and how it can happen to anyone. It might even happen more often than not. Perhaps i doubt my own perceptions enough that I cannot act on my conclusions with enough force to slam a door.The trouble letting go issue is a big one for me though. I struggle to not revisit the events and get a gloomy view of life, but instead realize that if I have strength to hold steady, that it can be healing for everyone.

I wonder if the door-slam is related to INFJs having trouble letting go. It sounds ironic, but it can be an external self protective urge because of an internal connection that is equally difficult to sever.

 

[Tigerlily]

It could be a defense mechanism but for me I really just think it's that people annoy me and it takes tons of energy for me to be social and when I become too familiar with most people I feel violated in a weird way and would prefer not to see them again.

I recently reconnected with a childhood acquaintance. Prior to our meeting I asked my mother if she could remember why I stopped associating with this person and she said it was because I eventually got sick of anyone I was friends with and moved on.

Dating was just as bad until Limey showed up.

 

[nozflubber]

Can anyone quote for me the mean, median and mode of the time duration of a TYPICAL infj doorslam? quite frankly, i'd be satisfied just knowing if it was for life, or otherwise (IE forgiveable)

 

[the state i am in]

time + distance usually works wonders. i can't make myself let go, but time + distance have an amazing ability to do it for me. it's easy to see later, with hindsight, what happened and what needs to happen as far as re-connecting or offering help to someone who needs it, or if the person in question just should NOT be involved in your life.

 

[nozflubber]

^ dude/dudette, i'm not talking about SO here, I mean close friend status that you betrayed. How long?

 

[Tigerlily]

it depends. if you're willing to do some ass kissing and have half a brain then you might find yourself back in the circle. I'm not much of a grudge carrier as long as people are able to discuss what may have turned me off in the first place but since people are busy living their own lives I can't expect them to focus entirely on me enough to do all that hoop jumping. also if it appears obvious the door will probably slam shut again. maybe we're just selfish individuals with ridiculously high expectations?

 

[Winds of Thor]

Synarch appears to be one of those NT's who can handle an INFJ with ease. Has you figured out before you know what hit you.

Yup

 

[Winds of Thor]

I don't know that I ever feel that I've completely figured them out. Too deep and I would get bored if I could. But, this depth and complexity is what I like as most other people are transparent to me. With INFJ's I just feel like I can see inside, deep enough to see that they want contact, but no further at first. Burrowing in takes a lot of time and attention and love. Also, I just respond to them automatically and intensely. I cannot control it. The eyes, the quietness, the aloofness, the inner strength all attracts me in a way I am powerless to resist.

Like sinking into the most comfortable sofa you've ever fell asleep in? Like...Who would want to be anyplace else kind of feeling? I 'get' this.

 

[Immaculate Cloud]

Can anyone quote for me the mean, median and mode of the time duration of a TYPICAL infj doorslam? quite frankly, i'd be satisfied just knowing if it was for life, or otherwise (IE forgiveable)

Typical time duration? I can't say what's typical. For me, I have doorslammed a close relative for going now on its 7th year. No physical contact, no phone calls, none. I even boycott family gatherings held at her place.

 

[whimsical]

I do this and I am currently doing this

 

[Nonsensical]

I do this and I am currently doing this

Perhaps it's an INF thing. I have a little bit of INFP in me, and I have doorslamed before, and I doorslam to this day. There's been groups of people who used to be very close to me, whom I've just drifted away from and don't plan on talking to. I just close off all ties, unconsciously, of course, but none the less, I avoid them. I just am looking for something new, and I can't stay in murky waters for too long, so I step out and don't come back in. It's usually nothing personal, but I just feel that I need to move on.