[INFJ] The INFJ Doorslam

[sriv]

That was the longest 4 days ever though!

No it wasn't. It was just a time of heightened sensitivity.

 

[Motor Jax]

there are times, especially when i am home, that i just want to be left alone though

Home

As mates, INFJs are usually devoted to their spouses, but may not always be open to physical approaches. They tend to be physically demonstrative at times, but wish to choose when, which is when they are in the mood. This maybe quite confusing to an extraverted mate. Often an INFJ's expressions of affection will be subtle, taking a humorous, unexpected turn. INFJs need and want harmony in their homes and find constant conflict, overt or covert, extremely destructive to their psyches. Their friendship circle is likely to be small, deep, and longstanding. As parents, INFJs usually are fiercely devoted. A female INFJ, particularly, is linked to her children in a way different from the other types: with almost a psychic symbiosis. This deep bond can create an over-dependency that can be unhealthy for both mother and child. At the same time, INFJs tend to be good friends with their children, while firm in discipline. They usually are concerned about the comfort of a home and most especially the comfort, physical health, and emotional well-being of both mates and children.

i've actually pushed my g/f, an ESTP, away from me in my sleep

the INFJ profile

 

[MindBlow]

Hmm, not sure if I've ever totally door-slammed certain people; however, phonies and backstabbers I generally avoid altogether.

 

[Usehername]

My question:

from reading this entire thread, how is this "INFJ Doorslam" phenomenon any different than the "INTJ Dismissal?" We get compared to psychopaths for it because it's a Te more rather than an Fe move? Because INFJs can say it's a "feeling" issue? Well, the motivations are exactly the same! This post too. http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/nt-rationale/2609-general-impressions-intj-2.html#post73350

 

[nightning]

My question:

from reading this entire thread, how is this "INFJ Doorslam" phenomenon any different than the "INTJ Dismissal?" We get compared to psychopaths for it because it's a Te more rather than an Fe move? Because INFJs can say it's a "feeling" issue? Well, the motivations are exactly the same! This post too. http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/nt-rationale/2609-general-impressions-intj-2.html#post73350

Well the INFJ "doorslam" is a coping mechanism when dealing with problematic individuals (by not dealing with them)... forever. Where as the INTJ "dismissal" is pertaining to a specific issue. To the INFJ... the person isn't necessarily in the wrong... it just takes too much effort to manage disagreements.

 

[Usehername]

Well the INFJ "doorslam" is a coping mechanism when dealing with problematic individuals (by not dealing with them)... forever. Where as the INTJ "dismissal" is pertaining to a specific issue. To the INFJ... the person isn't necessarily in the wrong... it just takes too much effort to manage disagreements.

That's what I understood the INTJ Dismissal to be. (See other link too.)

 

[nightning]

I've read the two posts, still didn't quite see the second one in its full context.

So if the two originates from extroverted judgment paired with Ni... Then sure, you may call INFJs psychopaths as well. Although that's not really what psychosis means

 

[TK*]

I read about the "INFJ doorslam" a few years ago on a list-serve or website, and it definitely resonated when I considered my own behavior. The idea is, the INFJ will get so fed up with a person that she'll totally shut that person out of her life. I have done this a couple of times (so far, permanently) when I have felt deeply betrayed or hurt. My anger can be formidable, but instead of railing against the betrayal, I simply shut off and shut out. It feels like it's necessary for survival in the moments when I make the decision, and from other people's perspectives, it seems really cold and heartless. But usually by that point, I have been patient/forgiving/receptive, and then I say "Screw it. You're out."

I also do this with break-ups, but it doesn't tend to be permanent in those cases. I just have to shut out my exes for a time so that I can clear my brain and heart of them. I didn't do this with the ex I lived with, but he also moved to another town, so I didn't really have to.

Does this sound familiar, INFJs? Do you do this?

Yes. As I like to say, "My love is limited." I have a short temper as it is and I try not to shut people out as much when they piss me off, but yeah, when I reach that point it's like: "Fuck this. I don't need it" and I don't look back afterwards or think twice about it. HOWEVER, my shutting people out has gotten me in trouble in the past. I also used to shut people out who I thought were getting too close to me so yeah... not very smart of me, lol. The shutting out is a defense mechanism. Sometimes my temper just gets the best of me and other times I'm just being a coward, lol. As a whole, I'm learning to control both my temper and my fear of opening up so I don't do this shutting out thing too much.

 

[KLessard]

I rarely feel it as "doorslam" myself. When I've invested my heart and soul into a person, and this person is indifferent to it or investing a drop while I invest the sea, I run dry. I can't give more, I have run out of fuel. I can't insist, it is stupid anyway. So I let go. I usually need to fast, pray and cry many times alone in my room when this happens.

 

[Tigerlily]

I've always done this. I never stay in touch with anyone once the door has closed. I recently reconnected with a childhood friend thanks to facebook and asked my Mom if she remember why this person and I stopped socializing and she said, "you have always dumped people after a while, including marisa". She also reminded me that I lose patience easily and that people have always annoyed me so I guess that's part of the doorslam thing?

 

[Thursday]

I've always done this. I never stay in touch with anyone once the door has closed. I recently reconnected with a childhood friend thanks to facebook and asked my Mom if she remember why this person and I stopped socializing and she said, "you have always dumped people after a while, including marisa". She also reminded me that I lose patience easily and that people have always annoyed me so I guess that's part of the doorslam thing?

Yep

 

[ByMySword]

I still say its a useful tool when you need to get away from someone who may be harmful to you.

And sometimes, they just deserve it.

 

[Atomic Fiend]

And sometimes, they just deserve it.

Amen.

 

[Tigerlily]

Yep

I've also been known to befriend a person and place them on a pedestal only to finally come to the realization that they're only human and dump them. Some of my best friendships are online ones where I can't view or be subjected to flaws. Keep in mind I know I'm not perfect. I'm my own worst enemy but I can't shake this freakish behavior of mine even at my age.

I still say its a useful tool when you need to get away from someone who may be harmful to you.

And sometimes, they just deserve it.

Amen.

agreed.

 

[Lexicon]

I used to do this when I was younger... mainly with guys I dated who treated me with disrespect, couldn't salvage a friendship, realized they were monsters.. ha. They never tried to contact me again. So I can't accurately say that I would have been able to tell them to stay out of my life more than once.

I haven't engaged in The Trademark INFJ Doorslam in years... but it may be that I'm one of the few who doesn't, based on evironmental factors, etc..

I think a few possible reasons I don't do this are:

- I have always been a bit too forgiving for my own good, and used to compulsively apologize for EVERYTHING (pathological guilt & shame from a BPD emotionally abusive mom through late childhood.. always yields such pleasant longterm effects- effects I've been working my ass off to undo. Getting there. I hope.) I moved A LOT when I was young - military brat, and I was a shy nerd. Seriously, I read the encyclopedia when I got bored sometimes (most times I was tearing through epic fiction).. the few friends I had along my travels meant a lot to me. Aside from my brother, I had on average 1 friend per place we moved.. I went to at least 7 elementary schools... so I suppose social isolation plays a role in my being too forgiving with the few people in my life as well.

- On top of compulsively taking blame.. I also dealt with the death of my dad when I was 9 & my brother just in 2003... I just have to resolve things in some way or another with people. It's ingrained in me to do so, because if something happened to that person afterward, and I'd made a mistake.. it'd never be repaired. I could never hang up the phone on someone. Even if they aren't healthy for me to be around. I convince myself I could help them become better people, I suppose. Just more compulsive behavior there.

There are still some people every now & again that I realize I just can't talk to anymore.. but now it's more like an INFJ Gently Closing The Door.. as opposed to the Slam. People know if they need me.. when it comes down to it.. I'd probably be there. A lack of self respect on my part, I suppose.. as I freely offer the INFJ Doorslam as sound advice to friends in toxic relationships... and actually get angry on their behalf. I'm not sure I ever even allow myself to get angry with people... I push myself to rationalize it first.

-I am not easily deceived as I had been when I was young, and that would have been one of the main reasons I'd shut people out of my life; violating my trust.

-Lastly.. I am terribly selective about friends nowadays (so most of them are very honest, inherently goodnatured and intelligent people). And even more selective about how much trust/emotional stock I allow myself to invest in any interpersonal relationship. The Doorslam is a very emotional response... it has to matter.. a lot.. for the person to be able to hurt you.
Funny though... I'm everyone else's "Best Friend."




so perhaps I don't do the Doorslam anymore because after the amount of hurt I've already experienced, I've slowly stopped inviting guests inside completely..


And I hope that's temporary.. just while I'm making rennovations in there, y'know..
people can't just hang out on the porch forever.

But yeah.. all of those.. well, compulsions/unresolved issues more or less.. are what I look at objectively as potential reasons for this particular INFJ not engaging in some Trademark Behavior.

 

[Shinzon]

Words

I think I may have met my Doppelgänger. I identify with most everything you said.

 

[Lexicon]

I think I may have met my Doppelgänger. I identify with most everything you said.

Ohh.. man..


I find that both relieving and disappointing... disappointing in the sense that I wouldn't want anyone else to have to have these complications in life, or anything similar.. but a definite relief.. I don't really get out much at all these days. I was starting to feel like a fucking alien, seriously.
One step forward, couple steps back. Get overwhelmed and wonder if I'm too messed up to ever be able to allow myself to connect with anyone. Then something happens, and there's that one tiny, random thing that triggers the whole "why am I alive-why am I wasting valuable, limited time running in neurotic circles when I have a purpose" epiphany again. What I'm passionate about..I lose sight of it sometimes.. and it's my reason.. so I start running forward full-speed.. still a long ways to go.. but at least I'm moving..

I hope you're doing all right with whatever aspects of my weird life you can identify with.

I realize a lot of people out there have gone through similar or worse experiences in life. I wish them well, too.


I guess it goes to show how experience alters perception, which may cause us to act against our very [infj] nature at times..

 

[Lightyear]

I have done it twice. The first "victim" was an unhealthy ESFJ friend of mine who was emotionally very needy and manipulative and after putting up with her behaviour for several years I finally decided: "That's it." and cut the whole thing off. If I even feel the slightest like trying to mend the relationship again I just need to think about some of my former friend's past behaviour and I am like: "No, I really don't need to put up with this."

The second person whom I have "doorslammed" was a boy I used to babysit. Again for years I put up with his choleric and sometimes agressive behaviour but at one point he just completely overdid it (pretending to throw himself in front of a car, me having to ask a security man to escort him out of a shop, him swearing at me at the top of his lungs while I had to drag him home etc) and I decided: "That's it. He has crossed the line." and I simply told his mum that I would never babysit for her again.

In general I am not very emotional about a doorslam, I don't end relationships with a fight, it is just that people with whose behaviour I had to put up with for a long time have finally crossed the line and I rationally (my Ti coming in?) decide: "That's enough."

 

[Tigerlily]

I think I may have met my Doppelgänger. I identify with most everything you said.

lol that's funny. you'll find fault eventually though. that's what we do

 

[BlackCat]

I do this all the time. I don't think this totally applies to just INFJs. It's an interesting concept though.

I have shut out many people, some of which I was very close with. No regrets in that department.