[INFJ] The INFJ Doorslam

[Griffi97]

Yes, I have done this. I didn't talk to my mom for over a year after I told her something in confidence and she betrayed it to my sister. I also didn't talk to my dad for a similar length of time after I called him out for being hypocritical about something. This made him very angry and I was perfectly content not to talk to him until he could live with what I said.

I have been on the verge of doing this to my sister. Our mother died a few months ago and since then my sis has verbally assaulted me numerous times. There is so much anger inside her that it terrifies me. And she doesn't see any redeeming value in me as a human being. Not a mirror I really want to look into. It seems to me that as much as she despises me, why would she even want me in her life? The only thing that keeps me in the relationship is that she's my sister. But ending the relationship is something I think about every time she slams me.

 

[Atomic Fiend]

Yeah I've done it, and posted about it in that thread on INTPc, when I thought I was INTP.

EDIT:This thread reminded me of a people deletion thread from INTPc. It was all that kept popping up while I read.

 

[Jae Rae]

My daughter did a door slam on a girl who disrespected and blamed her many times, ruined her bat mitzvah party, wrote poetry against her on MySpace and passed an album about her around school. For some reason her mother doesn't understand why my daughter ignores this girl.

I've had two door slams against me, one in high school, the other about three years ago. The one in high school was semi-permanent, although we contacted each other as adults and had a few exchanges.

The more recent one lasted for about six months, but according to the other person, it was meant to be a breather from an intense situation, not a door slam. The first person could have been an INFJ, the second definitely was not.

Jae Rae

 

[faith]

Oh yes. I've done this. It's what happens after the apologies and anger and understanding and make-up and all that have worn out. It's simply the end. It's not intended to hurt the other person, or to make him/her realize what he's done or force him to change his actions. It's just my decision that he doesn't belong in my life. It's the realization that I really don't want anything more to do with that person, and that I do have a choice in the matter.

I did this when I left high school. I hated high school, and had very little positive feeling left toward my "friends" there. When I left, I closed the door on them. I didn't hate them; I just didn't want them in my life any more. During college, when I'd return home, some of them were still around and feeling all reminiscent and friendly toward me. I wasn't unfriendly toward them--I visited when they asked and was politely social--but our friendship was over as far as I was concerned. I hope they're happy and all that, but I haven't wanted them in my life since.

I don't see it as a bad thing, really. It's more like a neat and tidy habit. If there are people who are only bringing bad into your life--and whom you cannot help or assist without harming yourself--why keep them around? I don't leave food wrappers on my kitchen counter, so why should I keep used-up relationships around? I prefer to surround myself with those people I truly love and enjoy, and toss out the rubbish.

 

[redacted]

i've pretty much never done this. the only time i've "doorslammed" someone was when they basically stole $200 from me and refused to admit it. but after a couple months, i couldn't keep it up. i've talked to the person many times since then -- and while i'm extremely uncomfortable, i can't make myself completely shut him out.

i always know WHY the person does what they do, which makes it almost impossible for me to completely write them off.

i'm the type of person who could forgive a murderer...

and it sucks.

 

[Eileen]

I might eventually find that I'm no longer angry and even forgive the person, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'll want to see them ever again.

 

[faith]

I might eventually find that I'm no longer angry and even forgive the person, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'll want to see them ever again.

Precisely. It has little to do with forgiveness or anger or holding a grudge.

 

[Jae Rae]

Dealing with them is different than understanding why they've hurt you. My daughter understands and has some compassion for her former friend, she just doesn't want to expend any more energy on her.

A few years ago I received a harsh email from someone who said I didn't understand she didn't want an email correspondence with me. She asked me not to respond to that email, so I didn't. A couple of weeks later she sent a written apology. To this day I haven't made any attempt to contact her. It would take too much energy for me to figure out how much and what kind of contact she can handle to make it worth resuming that friendship. Slam!

Jae Rae

 

[Motor Jax]

oh, so true

like i forgave my X2, but then seeing her again after almost 2 years had me shaking in my boots, not in anger but major distrust and... ok, well, rage also...

...and i could hardly think...

 

[Thursday]

Absolutely Oprah
I do this with everyone

Except, its more of an interview process
I watch their every move, word
what people say vs. the vibe that i get from them

if i like them, i open the door
and yet i am frighteningly friendly about it
making everyone feel as if they are my partner
hmm

 

[Kyrielle]

I've done it to a few people before. Two were past relationships, because it was just too awkward to talk to them after the relationship broke off. I have a hard time with being able to mentally put what happened behind me and just talk to them as people. The other two were because they did something rude and disrespectful to me. One of them was a childhood friend who started lashing out at me last year or so for not seeing my grandmother while she was sick and dying. He accused me of being things that I'm not and didn't seem to make up his mind about whether he should forgive my actions or continue to persecute me. The reason I didn't see her was because she was the other person I shut out. ^^ Not that she'd done anything terrible to me, I just got so tired of her guilt tripping me every single time I talked to her. Not at all a nice thing to do, but I loved my grandmother and I didn't want to end up saying terribly cold and hurtful things to her when I finally broke.

 

[wedekit]

Interesting that this topic has come up, since one of my best friends, an INFJ, is currently doing this to me and not talking to me at all. BAH. I know it's temporary but it still hurts. I've never had anyone else do this to me.

Any tips on helping him get over it, then? Or is it just a time/space thing, like I'm thinking?

Time and Space if they are like me. Another thing about me is that after some time of no interaction, things just become awkward and so I decide not to do anything about it and continue to avoid them. Normally when I do work things out it works like this:

1) We both admit what we did wrong verbally.
2) We take the other person's point of view into consideration (think about what you say very carefully)
3) We accept apologies.
4) Never talk about it again.

 

[Ivy]

I've done this a number of times before. Typically it's not "I AM SO MAD AT YOU I JUST NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" it's just "I have to be very protective of my own limited energy and this relationship is draining me instead of lighting me up."

 

[Seanan]

I've done it with a few people though, mostly, it hasn't had much to do with how they treated me. I've only slammed the door on three people who violated me personally and it still remains to be seen whether any circumstances could arise where I open it again. I hope not but I can be a real sap when someone's in need.

I have, however, when I've observed people generally that I'm not fairly close to. If I view them as not having much of a conscience, for instance, the door is usually slammed and hard. I don't have the time nor energy to deal with people I have to watch carefully.

 

[sriv]

My ENFP friend goes INFP on me sometimes so I know the situation. We go into these exact steps that wedekit wrote about:

1) We both admit what we did wrong verbally.
2) We take the other person's point of view into consideration (think about what you say very carefully)
3) We accept apologies.
4) Never talk about it again.

Although he would like never to talk about it again, I treat it very much as a learning experience. I talk about it (not TO him) and remember it all the time.

 

[Griffi97]

Typically it's not "I AM SO MAD AT YOU I JUST NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" it's just "I have to be very protective of my own limited energy and this relationship is draining me instead of lighting me up."

Exactly.

 

[Randomnity]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Some useful insight there....My friend's talking to me again (yay!) even though he still doesn't want to discuss the matter for now. That was the longest 4 days ever though!

 

[Martoon]

INTP here, and it's not something I've done personally. But I have to say, it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do, and in most cases, probably the most right thing to do. I almost get the vibe that some of the people posting here feel like it's wrong somehow, and wish they didn't do it. If someone has done something crappy to you, especially if you've given them multiple chances and they've abused your generosity, you should cut them off. Not just for your own protection (though that's reason enough), but how else are they going to learn?

Heck, there are probably times I should give some people some negative reinforcement, but I don't. Not because I'm such a generous guy, but because I find apathy easier.

 

[Athenian200]

This is one of my earliest memories. Once, when I was younger, I found out that my best friend was moving away. I begged them not to, and when they said they couldn't help it, I angrily told them to leave and never come back because they weren't my friend anymore (thinking that if they really cared, they wouldn't leave, and thus they must have been tricking me this whole time by pretending to be my friend). The next day when they came over to say goodbye, I slammed the door in their face after saying in an mildly bored voice, "Look, I already told you, I don't like you anymore. Bye."

And then I just dusted my hands off, and walked back over to my computer and started working again as if nothing had happened. The only thought I had to myself was, "I guess she didn't understand what 'I don't like you anymore' means. Oh, well. She probably gets it now."

Note that this was before the Internet was widespread, so the connotation of "moving away" was rather different than now.

 

[disregard]

Geez...