[INFJ] The INFJ Doorslam

[BallentineChen]

I just doorslammed my father two months ago. Even though I eventually want to see him again, I think there's a high chance I'll never open that door again. There's a friend I've doorslammed after high school, for the reason that he forgot all about our group when he joined a fraternity. But in this case, doorslamming means that I can still see him, but I won't allow us to be friends again. I see it as a pragmatic door slam.

 

[nightning]

Can anyone quote for me the mean, median and mode of the time duration of a TYPICAL infj doorslam? quite frankly, i'd be satisfied just knowing if it was for life, or otherwise (IE forgiveable)

The doorslam response in my part usually happens when I can't take anymore. The trigger event might seem trivial, but it's in essence the final straw. From my understanding, most INFJs will keep on tolerating irritants without much fuss. Until things gets closed to the threshold of tolerance... then they speak up. And if it's not corrected at that point in time (aka no hint of improvement). You get a doorslam. Once the threshold is reached, there's really no going back.

It's like you've kicked the ball over the hill. Now it's going to roll down the other side. It'll take quite a lot to get it back. Actually in my case, the doorslam is pretty much permanent. The J tendency for maintaining principles doesn't help either.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Can anyone quote for me the mean, median and mode of the time duration of a TYPICAL infj doorslam? quite frankly, i'd be satisfied just knowing if it was for life, or otherwise (IE forgiveable)

um, once i decide to move on, i move on emotionally from whatever the tone was of the relationship. it's not saying i can't still be friends, if the sexualoving aspect was over. or that i can't become lovers if the acquaintance aspect was over. but i have no interest in exploring that same place again, now or in the future.

indeed, i probably gave that person or situation plenty of opportunities to work--probably more than most types would. i'm somewhat of a masochist in this regard actually---waiting for it to 'work'---to the detriment to myself. my husband says it looks almost like an abusive relationship (how much i'll take from others) sometimes.

so, i'm hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, then finally cold. usually for good.

 

[Halcy]

This is one aspect of being INFJ that I value greatly. I will give people many benefits of the doubt, however once they've hurt me one too many times, they're out permanently. At this point I usually have little feelings left for them, or maybe whatever they did that was the 'last straw' pushed any remaining feelings completely out or buried them so deep that they only come out years later (if ever) to be dealt with when I'm healed from the damage they've inflicted on my being.
Never-the-less, they are still out of my life, FOREVER.

 

[Sula]

So I'm not a cold hearted bitch after all.

No, seriously, I'm happy to have a term for this. Doorslammer sounds much better than the above. I know that for me, once I'm done, I'm done. I won't wish you ill or even talk about you too negatively, but I'll never speak to you again, ever. If I effectively cut off communication with someone, there's always a good reason. Either they were too toxic and soul draining, or I saw their great soul draining potential before they had a chance to latch on and suck me dry, or the situation was going to be too emotionally messy and I had to stop it before it got to that point.

It's not always a slam however, usually a slow creak until that bad boy (the door) is closed.

 

[Random Ness]

This is one aspect of being INFJ that I value greatly. I will give people many benefits of the doubt, however once they've hurt me one too many times, they're out permanently. At this point I usually have little feelings left for them, or maybe whatever they did that was the 'last straw' pushed any remaining feelings completely out or buried them so deep that they only come out years later (if ever) to be dealt with when I'm healed from the damage they've inflicted on my being.
Never-the-less, they are still out of my life, FOREVER.

I wish more doorslammers could be like you. Using it as a last resort, instead of a first resort. First-resort doorslammers can honestly just be plain selfish...

 

[Lauren]

In personal interactions it can be hard to let go of a rejection, so I can withdraw until I feel stronger and more centered. I will have to say that once someone has meant a great deal to me, I can't slam the door completely. I've had a few recent events where some of the people closest to me in the world hurt me in a significant way. The events could warrant some degree of door slammage, but I couldn't because I have some understanding (however limited) that their experience made the rejection look like the best course, so holding steady in my reaction to them was healing. What I've learned is how much pain flawed perceptions can cause and how it can happen to anyone. It might even happen more often than not. Perhaps i doubt my own perceptions enough that I cannot act on my conclusions with enough force to slam a door.The trouble letting go issue is a big one for me though. I struggle to not revisit the events and get a gloomy view of life, but instead realize that if I have strength to hold steady, that it can be healing for everyone.
I wonder if the door-slam is related to INFJs having trouble letting go. It sounds ironic, but it can be an external self protective urge because of an internal connection that is equally difficult to sever.

I relate very much to the bolded sections. It's in my nature to hold steady when things are rocky or uncertain. I have rarely if ever door slammed anyone (only once, really, and I regret that it happened) because once I care for someone, they are in. If they've upset me, I reflect to see how I might have contributed or misinterpreted the situation. In many cases, misunderstandings will blow over given a little time and more discussion. That patience--holding steady--is healing because you are saying in effect: "I'm human, you're human, let's try this again."

 

[Synapse]

Doorslams are base insecurity. Its called insecurity of the judgmental heart that has turned inward away from its compassionate expression of martyr and into the impassioned embrace of the aquanaut...all hail the aquanaut! For the naught...withstanding IS the kernel...acorn of divine propulsion towards a metastasis...not...of the heart...not...of the mind...but a metamorphosis towards learning. Individuation encompasses liberation of the opal...unscathed...within elliptical illusion of depth performed...social resuscitation of the membrane that wanted to live with self expression after.

 

[janea]

I know this thread is pretty old but I wanted to respond anyway.... I have a question regarding a situation in my life and feel like I really need some feedback.

My first true love, the woman that I consider the love of my life door slammed me about a year and a half ago. I was also her first true love and she considered me the love of her life. So, it was a mutual connection. She is an INFJ. I am an ISFJ most of the time and in most situations but on some days and in certain situations I can be more of an INFJ. Anyway, our relationship was very intense and difficult for the both of us. We had an extremely deep and spiritual kind of connection and the vulnerability was too much for both of us at the time. And I, for one had MANY unresolved issues from my childhood and past. I actually very much relate to what someone else posted on here in that I grew up with an emotionally abusive BPD mother and we moved every year so I was always the "new kid". It got to a point where I just stopped trying to form lasting friendships and relationships so, I was 27 years old before I allowed myself to fall in love and be in a romantic relationship with someone. Given my cautiousness and the amazing connection we had, I was SURE she was "the one".... I was so cautious and careful about who I opened myself up to so, when the relationship started to go south, it was very hard for me and for her as well. Due to my unresolved issues and immaturity as well as my lack of relationship experience and basic insecurity, I ended up becoming emotionally abusive towards her and we fell into a very toxic, unhealthy, abusive cycle. I began seeing a counselor and we tried for over a year to "fix" things, but I just had too much "stuff" that I had to deal with on my own before I could ever be ready for a healthy, stable, mature relationship....with anyone.

Well, long story short.... she eventually got to a point where she said "enough is enough" and she shut me out of her life. She remained open to brief and sporadic email communication but that was it. There was really no talking through things at that point, she was just DONE! For me, this was such a shock and very hard to accept because we had been through so much together, it was hard to believe that she was really, truly done this time.... not to mention, given her INFJ nature she was always forgiving and patient with me so I just had a really hard time believing that she was really done with me. So, I tried for a long time to get her back.... I did everything in my power to try and convince her to give me another chance, but she just wasn't having any part of it. I finally had to just realize and accept that there was nothing I could do. She put up that wall and it wasn't coming down for anything! As it is now, she has moved on and is in a relationship with someone else but I'm still sitting here, unable to fully let go, struggling to accept that she really is never coming back to me and that her shutting me out is a permanent, forever thing.

My question for people here is, under what circumstances would you open the door again? It's been a year and a half and in that time I have continued seeing a counselor on a weekly basis, I have read nearly 40 "self-help" type books and have grown so much it's not something I can put into words. I still have a ways to go and am not "there" yet in terms of where I'd like to be to feel "ready" for a relationship. But I'm on my way! And I've made very drastic changes and improvements in my life. I've worked through many of my underlying unresolved issues in therapy and am on a clear road to recovery in many ways! I know she sees these changes in me throughout our brief interactions via email because she acknowledges them and tells me she's very proud of me. But as far as her trusting me, I have a hard time seeing that being possible for the future because I betrayed her trust so dramatically. But at the same time, I feel like as much as I have grown and as hard as I have worked and will continue working to grow up, heal my past wounds, and deal with my issues...it's hard for me to understand how or why she wouldn't open the door again someday. Especially given the special nature of our relationship and the depth and rarity of our kind of connection.

What do you guys think? I'm particularly interested in the opinions of those who are very adamant about shutting people out "forever" and "permanently". In this type of situation, give the circumstances, is it at all likely or even possible that you might someday open the door up again to the person? If you had seen major improvements and changes they had made in their life to overcome the issues that caused them to hurt you and betray your trust? Or would none of that really matter? And would it perhaps be even more reason to NOT open up to them again...give that the relationship was so intense and energy draining? What if the relationship, on new terms, was very healing and we helped each other grow, rather than drain each other's energy? What would you do?

 

[Z Buck McFate]

In this type of situation, give the circumstances, is it at all likely or even possible that you might someday open the door up again to the person? If you had seen major improvements and changes they had made in their life to overcome the issues that caused them to hurt you and betray your trust? Or would none of that really matter?

If someone became verbally abusive under stress- no, I would not open the door up again, at least not on the level of getting back into a relationship. There’s really no way of knowing major improvements have happened until a tremendous amount of stress comes along and tests you. And I- for one- would not be willing to be the one who was around for those tests.

And would it perhaps be even more reason to NOT open up to them again...give that the relationship was so intense and energy draining?

Yeah, the more intense a connection is when it goes south- the less chance you’ll have at ever being let back in again.

What if the relationship, on new terms, was very healing and we helped each other grow, rather than drain each other's energy?

I can tell you that if someone got verbally abusive with me to the point of getting doorslammed, and they were seeking advice on how to win me over again- that would tell me that they didn’t give enough weight to how hurtful their behavior was. It’s much easier to envision ‘on new terms’ than it is to actually put them in practice. In fact, it’s practically impossible to turn habits- like getting verbally abusive under stress- around by realizing you do them; it takes lots and lots of practice of being under stress and choosing a different way of dealing with it before the urge to become verbally abusive *actually* goes away. Based on what you’ve written, I’d say the best thing to do is let her go. Apologize and own up for the things you need to apologize and own up for- but don’t expect anything for it. If you’re expecting to get something out of it, then you’re doing it for the wrong reason.

 

[janea]

Thank you, I appreciate your feedback. I understand what you're saying and although it's difficult to hear, I can accept it. I'm at a point where I'm pretty convinced that she'd never open up to me again and am really doing my best to try and let go but there's still a part of me that wants to hang on just in case she ever does come back around. This experience has been really hard and I do understand how hurtful my behavior was....being an ISFJ/INFJ myself, I get it. And that's why I'm pretty sure she's not going to open up to me again. I don't feel like I'm on here seeking advice on how to win her over again. I don't think it's possible! If she ever opens up to me again it will be because she wants to, not because of anything I do to win her over. I guess I just wanted some INFJ's opinions on whether or not they personally would consider opening up again given the circumstances.... open up on their own I mean....not as a result of coercion or convincing from the other person.

I definitely know what you mean in terms of turning habits like being abusive being impossible without LOTS of practice and being under stress. When I say I have grown, I don't mean that I just read some books and now I'm healed...I mean I've been putting a lot of time and work into practicing under stress how to handle things in healthier and more constructive ways. So, I wouldn't expect her to open up to me so that I could "practice" with her... I know that I would have to have already practiced enough to have really developed healthier habits before she would even consider opening up to me again, if it's even a possibility.

Also, I just want to clarify that I wasn't "verbally abusive"...when I talk about being emotionally abusive, I am referring to things like me having anger outbursts, yelling, and shutting down emotionally. I didn't call her names or put her down or try to hurt her verbally. I am certainly not trying to make light of how I treated her or of my behavior. I know how hurtful my behavior was to her because I can empathize having grown up with an emotionally abusive mother! But I do believe there is a difference between the two that should be clarified because I was not "mean" or intentionally hurtful to her. However, I had a difficult time controlling my emotions and reacted by behaving in ways that were hurtful to her.

It may be helpful to mention as well that I am female. Not that me being male would change the situation...but I have a tendency to believe that when it comes to emotions, a relationship between two females is very different than one between a man and a woman, typically.

 

[Lauren]

If someone became verbally abusive under stress- no, I would not open the door up again, at least not on the level of getting back into a relationship. There’s really no way of knowing major improvements have happened until a tremendous amount of stress comes along and tests you. And I- for one- would not be willing to be the one who was around for those tests.



Yeah, the more intense a connection is when it goes south- the less chance you’ll have at ever being let back in again.



I can tell you that if someone got verbally abusive with me to the point of getting doorslammed, and they were seeking advice on how to win me over again- that would tell me that they didn’t give enough weight to how hurtful their behavior was. It’s much easier to envision ‘on new terms’ than it is to actually put them in practice. In fact, it’s practically impossible to turn habits- like getting verbally abusive under stress- around by realizing you do them; it takes lots and lots of practice of being under stress and choosing a different way of dealing with it before the urge to become verbally abusive *actually* goes away. Based on what you’ve written, I’d say the best thing to do is let her go. Apologize and own up for the things you need to apologize and own up for- but don’t expect anything for it. If you’re expecting to get something out of it, then you’re doing it for the wrong reason.

Couldn't agree more. I had to make the difficult decision to leave someone who, when under stress, resorted to manipulation to the point of verbal cruelty and trust was forever broken with me. Despite a person's best intentions, people don't change, by and large. They can change, as Z Buck says, but it takes a lot of honest introspection and practice.

Edited: When I say verbally cruel, I don't mean yelling or calling names or anythng like that. It was off-hand critical remarks that were meant to try and sway me. This person could be antagonistic. I don't think he heard these remarks as critical.

 

[janea]

I definitely get what you're saying, but I don't buy this "people don't change" business. Yes, I certainly agree that MOST people don't change. It is rare for people to change. It's rare, but it does happen on occasion! Perhaps in special circumstances. This woman is the love of my life and I feel that I am willing to do whatever work is necessary to be a good partner for her. As far as the change required for that sort of thing, it usually takes years of therapy and LOTS of hard work and practice, but that's what I'm referring to here.... years of therapy, lots of hard work and practice...that's what I have done, am doing, and am going to continue doing. So, under those circumstances, I just feel like it's a different kind of situation.....

 

[Ivy]

I agree with you, janea- people can change. I don't know that the frequency with which people make real, lasting changes would be enough for me to consider reversing a doorslam, though. Also consider that she may no longer consider you the love of her life... she probably had to excise you from her heart in order to doorslam. I don't think that, if I were her, that I could reopen a wound like that.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Also, I just want to clarify that I wasn't "verbally abusive"...when I talk about being emotionally abusive, I am referring to things like me having anger outbursts, yelling, and shutting down emotionally. I didn't call her names or put her down or try to hurt her verbally. I am certainly not trying to make light of how I treated her or of my behavior. I know how hurtful my behavior was to her because I can empathize having grown up with an emotionally abusive mother! But I do believe there is a difference between the two that should be clarified because I was not "mean" or intentionally hurtful to her. However, I had a difficult time controlling my emotions and reacted by behaving in ways that were hurtful to her.

This does make a little difference, but if you did it to the point where you got doorslammed then it’s still not likely you’ll have her trust anytime soon. Conflicts tend to build up in us and by the time we doorslam- it’s because so much of it has stockpiled in our heads we can’t stand it anymore. And it generally leaves us with a mess of emo schrapnel which takes years to clean out of our psyche. Even when we want to forgive someone and let go of stuff, it just isn’t a conscious decision- we just have to wait and see and it usually takes an embarrassingly long time. It’s something INFJs specifically have gone on tangents about here.

It’s always hard to answer these kinds of posts because there’s no way of knowing- from one post- what’s actually going on or how reasonable the doorslam was. But regardless of whether it was reasonable- it’s pretty consistently true that people doorslam because they can’t handle anymore. If it isn't as bad as the initial post sounds (and there was no name calling or manipulating) then there's a chance, but I wouldn't count on it. The best bet is to just move on- and learn from it/not do it again.


[sorry, edited a bit here and there]

 

[violaine]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through, janea. :/ I'm INFJ and I agree with the sentiments expressed about doorslamming being done with great finality. I think about it for a very long time before I do it and it's always painful. I never go back on it. It was tough to do in the first place and I don't want to experience that kind of pain again.

I think INFJs have a strong sense for when something won't work for them. I won't go back once I've decided it won't work. I don't want to be discouraging because it may just be the way you've framed your experience... But I also never trust when someone is making huge changes for me. They have to do it for themselves, because they want to. I feel like I can tell when someone is making a change for themselves and that, I do trust. (Regardless though, I think it's great that you've done so much work to be who you want to be).

 

[Starry]

janea - I have not had a chance to really sit down and read through all of these posts in a meaningful way (I hope to do that here in an hour or so)...but just out of curiosity...why do you consider this a doorslam as opposed to merely a 'break-up'?

I was just wondering because I, myself, have been doorslammed...and while my situation seems very different from yours...the individual has not communicated with me at all. You mentioned that you do have communication with this individual...which in all honesty...I would be so grateful for! Again, I hope to come back here soon and really read all that has been written...but just for the bits and pieces I have skimmed...I'm not exactly sure...does this really qualify as a doorslam? Please let me know your thoughts.

 

[cascadeco]

Janea, just want to add that another element of the Doorslam/Breakup is simply the act of Moving On. It doesn't take away necessarily from what the relationship was when you were together, but it means that she has totally moved on. Although this will probably be blunt, she's ok with not having you in her life in that capacity and on that level, and mentally she's 100% adjusted and basically rewritten her life minus you. And if she's now in another relationship, she's probably more further into her 'new' life and putting all of her efforts and attention towards that.

For myself, when I let go of someone, I've put a lot of thought into it, and probably went through a lot prior to finally letting them go. Once I do, it's a very deliberate decision and I'm ready to look ahead. I honestly don't desire to keep my thoughts in my past or revisit past relationships. So for me, I don't even know that the issue would have anything to do with whether or not I believed the person could change. It's rather that I've in effect wiped the slate clean in my mind and I'm looking forward, building my life looking to the future and to the new people in my life. I no longer have any emotional ties to those people from the past - beyond a recognition that I once had a tie. But that tie is no longer strong and for a myriad of reasons I may not desire or may not even be able to forge the tie, with the same person or in the same way, once again.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

Actually, a real door-slamming would not get you to have any contact with her. Though you still happen to communicate with her briefly.

Things could be change. I'm trying to learn that a hard way myself.

One thing I would like to add is that--I don't believe most INFJs enjoy doorslamming as part of their solution to deal with a closure. It's just wired in the core of us that we can't even control ourselves but to seek for sanctuary. Yes, it isn't ethical, but it's just one of our self-defensive mechanism that we're programmed to shut down someone out of our lives if the pain is too hard for us to bare. And it sounds like she's in that scenario based on your post.

Though I'm sure once you're able to find a significant other, perhaps she might be willing to settle with a mere good friendship with you. Perhaps she wanted you to move on first and find a mate before re-connecting with her as a friend. Usually for INFJs, once the romance died, it dies indefinitely. So stop over-invest your emotions on her and try hard to move on first.

 

[Starry]

I wish more doorslammers could be like you. Using it as a last resort, instead of a first resort. First-resort doorslammers can honestly just be plain selfish...

I saw this post last night. And I REALLY NEEDED to see this post last night. So much so that I am commenting on it now just so I can experience it all over again. Thank you so much Random wherever you are.