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  1. #101
    Senior Member BallentineChen's Avatar
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    I just doorslammed my father two months ago. Even though I eventually want to see him again, I think there's a high chance I'll never open that door again. There's a friend I've doorslammed after high school, for the reason that he forgot all about our group when he joined a fraternity. But in this case, doorslamming means that I can still see him, but I won't allow us to be friends again. I see it as a pragmatic door slam.
    "For a man who wants to make a profession of good in all regards must come to ruin among so many who are not good. Hence it is necessary to a prince, if he wants to maintain himself, to learn to be able not to be good, and to use this and not use it according to necessity."
    Niccolo Machiavelli

  2. #102
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nozflubber View Post
    Can anyone quote for me the mean, median and mode of the time duration of a TYPICAL infj doorslam? quite frankly, i'd be satisfied just knowing if it was for life, or otherwise (IE forgiveable)
    The doorslam response in my part usually happens when I can't take anymore. The trigger event might seem trivial, but it's in essence the final straw. From my understanding, most INFJs will keep on tolerating irritants without much fuss. Until things gets closed to the threshold of tolerance... then they speak up. And if it's not corrected at that point in time (aka no hint of improvement). You get a doorslam. Once the threshold is reached, there's really no going back.

    It's like you've kicked the ball over the hill. Now it's going to roll down the other side. It'll take quite a lot to get it back. Actually in my case, the doorslam is pretty much permanent. The J tendency for maintaining principles doesn't help either.
    My stuff (design & other junk) lives here: http://nnbox.ca

  3. #103
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nozflubber View Post
    Can anyone quote for me the mean, median and mode of the time duration of a TYPICAL infj doorslam? quite frankly, i'd be satisfied just knowing if it was for life, or otherwise (IE forgiveable)
    um, once i decide to move on, i move on emotionally from whatever the tone was of the relationship. it's not saying i can't still be friends, if the sexualoving aspect was over. or that i can't become lovers if the acquaintance aspect was over. but i have no interest in exploring that same place again, now or in the future.

    indeed, i probably gave that person or situation plenty of opportunities to work--probably more than most types would. i'm somewhat of a masochist in this regard actually---waiting for it to 'work'---to the detriment to myself. my husband says it looks almost like an abusive relationship (how much i'll take from others) sometimes.

    so, i'm hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, then finally cold. usually for good.
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  4. #104
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    This is one aspect of being INFJ that I value greatly. I will give people many benefits of the doubt, however once they've hurt me one too many times, they're out permanently. At this point I usually have little feelings left for them, or maybe whatever they did that was the 'last straw' pushed any remaining feelings completely out or buried them so deep that they only come out years later (if ever) to be dealt with when I'm healed from the damage they've inflicted on my being.
    Never-the-less, they are still out of my life, FOREVER.
    Last edited by Halcy; 09-12-2010 at 07:53 PM. Reason: needed to add an explanation

  5. #105
    Junior Member Sula's Avatar
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    So I'm not a cold hearted bitch after all.

    No, seriously, I'm happy to have a term for this. Doorslammer sounds much better than the above. I know that for me, once I'm done, I'm done. I won't wish you ill or even talk about you too negatively, but I'll never speak to you again, ever. If I effectively cut off communication with someone, there's always a good reason. Either they were too toxic and soul draining, or I saw their great soul draining potential before they had a chance to latch on and suck me dry, or the situation was going to be too emotionally messy and I had to stop it before it got to that point.

    It's not always a slam however, usually a slow creak until that bad boy (the door) is closed.

  6. #106
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halcy View Post
    This is one aspect of being INFJ that I value greatly. I will give people many benefits of the doubt, however once they've hurt me one too many times, they're out permanently. At this point I usually have little feelings left for them, or maybe whatever they did that was the 'last straw' pushed any remaining feelings completely out or buried them so deep that they only come out years later (if ever) to be dealt with when I'm healed from the damage they've inflicted on my being.
    Never-the-less, they are still out of my life, FOREVER.
    I wish more doorslammers could be like you. Using it as a last resort, instead of a first resort. First-resort doorslammers can honestly just be plain selfish...

  7. #107
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    Quote Originally Posted by Annwn View Post
    In personal interactions it can be hard to let go of a rejection, so I can withdraw until I feel stronger and more centered. I will have to say that once someone has meant a great deal to me, I can't slam the door completely. I've had a few recent events where some of the people closest to me in the world hurt me in a significant way. The events could warrant some degree of door slammage, but I couldn't because I have some understanding (however limited) that their experience made the rejection look like the best course, so holding steady in my reaction to them was healing. What I've learned is how much pain flawed perceptions can cause and how it can happen to anyone. It might even happen more often than not. Perhaps i doubt my own perceptions enough that I cannot act on my conclusions with enough force to slam a door.The trouble letting go issue is a big one for me though. I struggle to not revisit the events and get a gloomy view of life, but instead realize that if I have strength to hold steady, that it can be healing for everyone.
    I wonder if the door-slam is related to INFJs having trouble letting go. It sounds ironic, but it can be an external self protective urge because of an internal connection that is equally difficult to sever.
    I relate very much to the bolded sections. It's in my nature to hold steady when things are rocky or uncertain. I have rarely if ever door slammed anyone (only once, really, and I regret that it happened) because once I care for someone, they are in. If they've upset me, I reflect to see how I might have contributed or misinterpreted the situation. In many cases, misunderstandings will blow over given a little time and more discussion. That patience--holding steady--is healing because you are saying in effect: "I'm human, you're human, let's try this again."

  8. #108
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    Doorslams are base insecurity. Its called insecurity of the judgmental heart that has turned inward away from its compassionate expression of martyr and into the impassioned embrace of the aquanaut...all hail the aquanaut! For the naught...withstanding IS the kernel...acorn of divine propulsion towards a metastasis...not...of the heart...not...of the mind...but a metamorphosis towards learning. Individuation encompasses liberation of the opal...unscathed...within elliptical illusion of depth performed...social resuscitation of the membrane that wanted to live with self expression after.

  9. #109
    Junior Member janea's Avatar
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    I know this thread is pretty old but I wanted to respond anyway.... I have a question regarding a situation in my life and feel like I really need some feedback.

    My first true love, the woman that I consider the love of my life door slammed me about a year and a half ago. I was also her first true love and she considered me the love of her life. So, it was a mutual connection. She is an INFJ. I am an ISFJ most of the time and in most situations but on some days and in certain situations I can be more of an INFJ. Anyway, our relationship was very intense and difficult for the both of us. We had an extremely deep and spiritual kind of connection and the vulnerability was too much for both of us at the time. And I, for one had MANY unresolved issues from my childhood and past. I actually very much relate to what someone else posted on here in that I grew up with an emotionally abusive BPD mother and we moved every year so I was always the "new kid". It got to a point where I just stopped trying to form lasting friendships and relationships so, I was 27 years old before I allowed myself to fall in love and be in a romantic relationship with someone. Given my cautiousness and the amazing connection we had, I was SURE she was "the one".... I was so cautious and careful about who I opened myself up to so, when the relationship started to go south, it was very hard for me and for her as well. Due to my unresolved issues and immaturity as well as my lack of relationship experience and basic insecurity, I ended up becoming emotionally abusive towards her and we fell into a very toxic, unhealthy, abusive cycle. I began seeing a counselor and we tried for over a year to "fix" things, but I just had too much "stuff" that I had to deal with on my own before I could ever be ready for a healthy, stable, mature relationship....with anyone.

    Well, long story short.... she eventually got to a point where she said "enough is enough" and she shut me out of her life. She remained open to brief and sporadic email communication but that was it. There was really no talking through things at that point, she was just DONE! For me, this was such a shock and very hard to accept because we had been through so much together, it was hard to believe that she was really, truly done this time.... not to mention, given her INFJ nature she was always forgiving and patient with me so I just had a really hard time believing that she was really done with me. So, I tried for a long time to get her back.... I did everything in my power to try and convince her to give me another chance, but she just wasn't having any part of it. I finally had to just realize and accept that there was nothing I could do. She put up that wall and it wasn't coming down for anything! As it is now, she has moved on and is in a relationship with someone else but I'm still sitting here, unable to fully let go, struggling to accept that she really is never coming back to me and that her shutting me out is a permanent, forever thing.

    My question for people here is, under what circumstances would you open the door again? It's been a year and a half and in that time I have continued seeing a counselor on a weekly basis, I have read nearly 40 "self-help" type books and have grown so much it's not something I can put into words. I still have a ways to go and am not "there" yet in terms of where I'd like to be to feel "ready" for a relationship. But I'm on my way! And I've made very drastic changes and improvements in my life. I've worked through many of my underlying unresolved issues in therapy and am on a clear road to recovery in many ways! I know she sees these changes in me throughout our brief interactions via email because she acknowledges them and tells me she's very proud of me. But as far as her trusting me, I have a hard time seeing that being possible for the future because I betrayed her trust so dramatically. But at the same time, I feel like as much as I have grown and as hard as I have worked and will continue working to grow up, heal my past wounds, and deal with my issues...it's hard for me to understand how or why she wouldn't open the door again someday. Especially given the special nature of our relationship and the depth and rarity of our kind of connection.

    What do you guys think? I'm particularly interested in the opinions of those who are very adamant about shutting people out "forever" and "permanently". In this type of situation, give the circumstances, is it at all likely or even possible that you might someday open the door up again to the person? If you had seen major improvements and changes they had made in their life to overcome the issues that caused them to hurt you and betray your trust? Or would none of that really matter? And would it perhaps be even more reason to NOT open up to them again...give that the relationship was so intense and energy draining? What if the relationship, on new terms, was very healing and we helped each other grow, rather than drain each other's energy? What would you do?

  10. #110
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by janea View Post
    In this type of situation, give the circumstances, is it at all likely or even possible that you might someday open the door up again to the person? If you had seen major improvements and changes they had made in their life to overcome the issues that caused them to hurt you and betray your trust? Or would none of that really matter?
    If someone became verbally abusive under stress- no, I would not open the door up again, at least not on the level of getting back into a relationship. There’s really no way of knowing major improvements have happened until a tremendous amount of stress comes along and tests you. And I- for one- would not be willing to be the one who was around for those tests.

    And would it perhaps be even more reason to NOT open up to them again...give that the relationship was so intense and energy draining?
    Yeah, the more intense a connection is when it goes south- the less chance you’ll have at ever being let back in again.

    What if the relationship, on new terms, was very healing and we helped each other grow, rather than drain each other's energy?
    I can tell you that if someone got verbally abusive with me to the point of getting doorslammed, and they were seeking advice on how to win me over again- that would tell me that they didn’t give enough weight to how hurtful their behavior was. It’s much easier to envision ‘on new terms’ than it is to actually put them in practice. In fact, it’s practically impossible to turn habits- like getting verbally abusive under stress- around by realizing you do them; it takes lots and lots of practice of being under stress and choosing a different way of dealing with it before the urge to become verbally abusive *actually* goes away. Based on what you’ve written, I’d say the best thing to do is let her go. Apologize and own up for the things you need to apologize and own up for- but don’t expect anything for it. If you’re expecting to get something out of it, then you’re doing it for the wrong reason.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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