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  1. #1
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Default E's dating I's...who has the bigger sacrifice?

    Man alive, tonight was a rough one.
    I'm an ENFP engaged to an ISTJ (as I'm sure you've seen my posts around here...)

    Anyways, here's what happened tonight...

    I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with friends, indoors, outdoors, bars, concerts, house parties, get togethers... anything! I enjoy spending hours with people. I can't go for just "an hour" because I feel like I'm just getting started. I'm floating around the room, I'm taking it in, I'm playing catch up. I'm doing all the "S" type of things. After the first hour or so, then the fun begins for me. I get to know people, We talk about stories, Ideas, the news, deeper things...that's the best part! I love just spending quality time with groups of people. Really, all it takes is 4 or more and I'm on fire!

    He just doesn't get it. One hour is enough. He can't handle being in a bar, or really, any place that plays "music that is loud enough to compete with conversation". I never notice if the music is too loud or not, I just adjust my senses and get on with it. If he isn't actively involved during a social outting, he can't handle it. He needs to be playing a game or completing a task, or he finds it pointless and boring.

    The issue is that he feels that as a couple, we need to spend these outtings together. If I want to stay, and he wants to leave, he believes I should leave, since we already spent time at the gathering. Why stay? We've already been here for X amount of time. He says that during gatherings, he doesn't want me to go alone, he wants to go. But when he goes, he doesn't have fun, and then I can't have fun. I ask him to just pass on going on the event and I'll go with friends, and he doesn't want to do that because that's "not what couples do". Once we are married, he already voiced that he feels he will be more strict with this value. That it's only right if married people do everything together.

    But with this value, no one is really having fun, ya know? I can't enjoy myself because I know he doesn't want to be there. I don't want to leave early because I am enjoying myself and then he doesn't want to stay. I understand there needs to be compromise -- but I don't feel loved by self-sacrifice. Why should he feel "happy" that I sacrificed my happiness to leave a party early. Why should I feel "loved" that he stayed out for 3 hours when he didn't enjoy any bit of it.

    Is sacrifice like this worth it? How can I get him to understand that it's okay for a couple to do different things without each other? How can I get him to understand that one hour isn't enough for me?

    I feel guilty... he met me and our friends at a bar for 2 hours (wanted to leave after one), I had already been there an hour, so I ended up staying for 3 hours all together. He got mad that I didn't want to leave when he wanted too and that he thinks I don't sacrifice enough for him. He thinks it's stupid that people enjoy talking at bars for hours. We both went to our separate houses after this argument at around 1 in the morning. I'm still energized, so I went out to more bars and met some more friends until 3 in the morning. Keep in mind, I don't really drink at all. Maybe 1 or 2 drinks if I go out. I know when I tell him that I didn't get enough time with people and went back out, he is going to think i'm crazy.

    Am I crazy? Who has a harder time dealing with this? E's or I's?

  2. #2

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    This is not just an E/I issue. Not by a long shot. I don't think extraverts or introverts inherently sacrifice more for the sake of companionship or social relationships. It is entirely based on the individual.
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

  3. #3
    Insert witty line here... Ponyboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    This is not just an E/I issue. Not by a long shot. I don't think extraverts or introverts inherently sacrifice more for the sake of companionship or social relationships. It is entirely based on the individual.
    I agree with that. Hate to say it but the OP sounds more like 2 people with incompatible interests rather than an MBTI thing.
    I'm never wrong, I'm just sometimes less right

  4. #4

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    Compatibility and interests have strong trend correlations to type, but genuine compromise correlates to maturity.
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

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    Insert witty line here... Ponyboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    Compatibility and interests have strong trend correlations to type, but genuine compromise correlates to maturity.
    OK, yes that is true. However there are 3 things that I just don't see in the OP: Compatibility, (mutual) interests, and genuine compromise.
    I'm never wrong, I'm just sometimes less right

  6. #6
    flowing quietly by River's Avatar
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    Once we are married, he already voiced that he feels he will be more strict with this value
    Oh dear. Looking forward to the incoming leash?



    Yes, as the above posters have stated not an I/E thing.

    Why must you feel guilty for doing something you enjoy? Why must you live in one another's pockets? No one person can fulfill all your needs and the constant struggle between your need for freedom and his for control will cause serious resentment.

    Are you willing to leave behind the part of you that enjoys a good night out? Replace parties with perhaps a church social?


    If it were me I'd sit him down and say that i need to be free. As a caged bird I'll lose my feathers and cease to be the bubbly woman he fell in love with. If he says that's fine you need to grow up.... RUN!

  7. #7
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    As it's already been said, I don't think this is an I/E issue.

    I think this can be explained with help of typology but it needs more than one letter taken into consideration.

    ISTJs, as far as I know, are all about doing as has been done earlier (not what the ISTJ has done but how the ISTJ thinks has been done and is being done in general). Now, if the OP's ISTJ has the conception that couples are supposed to spent a lot of time together and also attend social events together, then what the OP described makes perfect sense to me. The ISTJ is just doing what he thinks must be done (what HAS been done).

    This is just guessing but I think it would do good for the OP to get to know the ISTJ archetype to get to better understand what's going on in his mind. To me, this sounds like it's up to the ISTJ whether he wants to re-evaluate his conceptions regarding what must be done.
    INTJ, HSP, 1w9 or tritype 154, sx/sp

  8. #8
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    He is the one being crazy imo. I dont understand whats the problem with him about you being in different location than him, unless its some extreme jealousy that he doesent want to tell you about. Anyways i think his way of thinking is really unhealthy and only either restricts you from having fun(makes you misarable in the long run) or causes unneccesary arguments because of his selfish Fi therefore making both miserable.

    Its not you whos to blame and who needs to change(please try to remember that). I would suggest doing things your way and if he cant handle that and gets mad all the time, then he cant handle you. You should train him properly with this before you marry him or you might regret the whole marriage later.

    Ps. Im assuming that you two spend reasonable amounts of time together without other people.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  9. #9
    Just a statistic rhinosaur's Avatar
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    ^ I agree. He needs to come to terms with the fact that you two don't always enjoy the same thing, and that's OK. He doesn't always have to be there. Heck, some of my friends have never even met my wife.

  10. #10
    Senior Member TenebrousReflection's Avatar
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    I agree on the notion of compatibility that others brought up. I consider myself to be very introverted, and if I'm forced to endure a lot of social time with people I have no common interests to talk about, then its extremely boring - conversation for the sake of conversation is probably what your SO finds "stupid" (I would call it "pointless" rahter than "stupid", but its basicall the same notion). However, if I am at a social gathering with friends that have similar interests, then I can go all day without really thinking about it (I may be very tired and worn out the next day tho) - its only theoretical, but I probably enter a Ne or Te mode because I do find such times enjoyable while they are occuring.

    I can relate to his sense that spending time together is the right thing to do as a couple (I think thats a fairly natural thing to feel in a relationship, but it does surprise me that a T would not be more pragmatic about it - I forgot that Si is the dominant function of ISTJs so that does makes sense), but for him to ask that you comply with his wishes to leave early is extremely selfish. He should be able to see that you are enjoying yourself, and if he cares about you, your happiness should be important to him, and he should be willign to silently sacrifice his happiness for yours, but thats just my opinion... You have offered to not make him attend, so I think you have done what you can as far as that goes.
    (keys2cognition) Fi (47.6), Ne (36.8), Fe (36.8), Si (31.6), Ti (29.7), Ni (27.4), Te (17.2) Se (12.5) - subject to change - last updated 11JAN2012
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