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  1. #21
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    Bad chemistry, re-examine what your relationship is built on and put the wedding on hold.
    Our relationship is built on great foundation. We just have misunderstandings sometimes and I like to sort out my thoughts here. We've been dating for over 7 years. We know ourselves and each other well, just miscommunication sometimes

  2. #22
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elfboy View Post
    sacrifice is stupid. if you have to sacrifice a lot in a relationship, get another one
    I tend to agree with this. I think he sees sacrifice as a way of showing love, I don't lol

  3. #23
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Southern Kross View Post
    Reminds me a little bit of an article I recently read on Psychologytoday.com. Apparently it doesn't matter if you are very different in some ways if you maintain the communication lines. Here's an interesting portion with a real life example of a couple:
    THANK YOU! I love this!!!! Me and my fiance are differently two different personalities with different interests, but we value that we are different and take pride in the fact that it helps make us wholer individuals. I need to reassure him of this, because even though he likes that we are different, but sometimes it can be so hard too

  4. #24

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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I tend to agree with this. I think he sees sacrifice as a way of showing love, I don't lol
    That is alarming. If you agree with elfboy that sacrifice is stupid, I don't think you're ready for marriage.
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

  5. #25
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    That is alarming. If you agree with elfboy that sacrifice is stupid, I don't think you're ready for marriage.
    Meeeeh you dont understand what I am saying. Did you read my original post?

    What I am saying is there is ways to show love. OF COURSE I sacrifice! My goodness, I'm and ENFP enagaged to an ISTJ for goodness sake! What I am saying, is that I would not want someone to do something they hate "for me to be happy". That is selfish to me. I can't enjoy myself knowing that another person is doing something they do want to do. That's not me. Sacrifice can be done in many ways. I sacrifice in different ways than he does and he does in different ways than I do. I just cant enjoy myself when I know someone else isn't enjoying themselve.

  6. #26

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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    Meeeeh you dont understand what I am saying. Did you read my original post?

    What I am saying is there is ways to show love. OF COURSE I sacrifice! My goodness, I'm and ENFP enagaged to an ISTJ for goodness sake! What I am saying, is that I would not want someone to do something they hate "for me to be happy". That is selfish to me. I can't enjoy myself knowing that another person is doing something they do want to do. That's not me. Sacrifice can be done in many ways. I sacrifice in different ways than he does and he does in different ways than I do. I just cant enjoy myself when I know someone else isn't enjoying themselve.
    I did.

    I'm glad you don't actually feel the way you claimed you did about sacrifice and love.

    A personal observation on ENFPs (and ENTPs, well ExxPs really) is that they are capable of being flippant and may casually say absurd things that they do not really mean out of boredom, exasperation, or laziness. Clear communication is important in a relationship. ISTJs require this clarity even more than INFJs do, so I hope you two can bridge the chasm. On the plus side, your love language (Fi) and action orientation (Te) are the same despite your very different types. I think this is the same reason I am sometimes attracted to ESTPs.

    In the end it really doesn't matter that you two don't like the same things, or if you think each other's activities are strange, boring, or pointless. What matters is your willingness to accommodate the other's interests because loving other people means their happiness matters to you. I don't share my boyfriend's enthusiasm for amphibians, extreme food competitions, or keggers, but I partake on all of the above on occasion (at my own comfort level) out of love for him and I don't resent doing it. I'm not a brat about it. I don't pout. I make the best of it. And the b/f will return the favor when I'm keen on watching a Jane Austen movie or going to the museum and sometimes he surprises himself by enjoying it. This is really critical because I hear a lot of people (like my stepmother) claiming to respect their s.o.'s activities, but b*tch and moan when asked to participate or accommodate. That's not compromise. That's the appearance of compromise so you can claim the martyr position in the relationship and leverage it to manipulate your partner into getting what you want. And it seems like you realize all of this, but maybe he doesn't.

    I'd think about my talking points in advance and level with him. Maybe share the things you're willing to flex on and ask him directly what things is he willing to flex on. And be sure you tell him not to say things he'll do begrudgingly, but stuff he really is okay stepping back on. Tell him that this is really important to you. Then give him some time if he needs it. Us IxxJs generally need time and space to think things over that require a perspective adjustment before we can get back to you, but generally (if we are reasonable and mature), and we know it's important to you, we will think it over.

    It's a must that both parties value and respect what the other contributes to their life experience, but not a must that you share all the same interests. Variety is the spice of life and all that. Opposites attract. Whatever angle you want to take, just remind him of that fundamental. Don't sit on this. This is laying the groundwork for your marriage. Best of luck.
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

  7. #27
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Thank you, this makes a lot of sense and helps a great deal!

    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    I did.

    I'm glad you don't actually feel the way you claimed you did about sacrifice and love.

    A personal observation on ENFPs (and ENTPs, well ExxPs really) is that they are capable of being flippant and may casually say absurd things that they do not really mean out of boredom, exasperation, or laziness. Clear communication is important in a relationship. ISTJs require this clarity even more than INFJs do, so I hope you two can bridge the chasm. On the plus side, your love language (Fi) and action orientation (Te) are the same despite your very different types. I think this is the same reason I am sometimes attracted to ESTPs.

    In the end it really doesn't matter that you two don't like the same things, or if you think each other's activities are strange, boring, or pointless. What matters is your willingness to accommodate the other's interests because loving other people means their happiness matters to you. I don't share my boyfriend's enthusiasm for amphibians, extreme food competitions, or keggers, but I partake on all of the above on occasion (at my own comfort level) out of love for him and I don't resent doing it. I'm not a brat about it. I don't pout. I make the best of it. And the b/f will return the favor when I'm keen on watching a Jane Austen movie or going to the museum and sometimes he surprises himself by enjoying it. This is really critical because I hear a lot of people (like my stepmother) claiming to respect their s.o.'s activities, but b*tch and moan when asked to participate or accommodate. That's not compromise. That's the appearance of compromise so you can claim the martyr position in the relationship and leverage it to manipulate your partner into getting what you want. And it seems like you realize all of this, but maybe he doesn't.

    I'd think about my talking points in advance and level with him. Maybe share the things you're willing to flex on and ask him directly what things is he willing to flex on. And be sure you tell him not to say things he'll do begrudgingly, but stuff he really is okay stepping back on. Tell him that this is really important to you. Then give him some time if he needs it. Us IxxJs generally need time and space to think things over that require a perspective adjustment before we can get back to you, but generally (if we are reasonable and mature), and we know it's important to you, we will think it over.

    It's a must that both parties value and respect what the other contributes to their life experience, but not a must that you share all the same interests. Variety is the spice of life and all that. Opposites attract. Whatever angle you want to take, just remind him of that fundamental. Don't sit on this. This is laying the groundwork for your marriage. Best of luck.

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with friends, indoors, outdoors, bars, concerts, house parties, get togethers... anything! I enjoy spending hours with people. I can't go for just "an hour" because I feel like I'm just getting started.
    I know exactly how you feel. I'm the same!

    The issue is that he feels that as a couple, we need to spend these outtings together. If I want to stay, and he wants to leave, he believes I should leave, since we already spent time at the gathering. Why stay?
    I think this as a compatibility issue. I briefly dated a guy like yours and couldn't get away from him fast enough. When I'm out, I'm dancing until the party is over. I can't enjoy myself when I'm constantly rushed and nagged to go.

    But with this value, no one is really having fun, ya know?
    That's exactly right!

    Is sacrifice like this worth it?
    I don't think so. Personally, I wouldn't settle for an uptight guy like that.

    Am I crazy? Who has a harder time dealing with this? E's or I's?
    It's mutual. If you marry him, you absolutely should accept him the way he is and meet him in the middle (aka, sacrifice). Unfortunately, if you want the relationship to work, both of you will have to make some painful sacrifices. Stop and ask yourself what those sacrifices are and will you be happy doing that for the rest of your life.

    Edit: All relationships require sacrifice; the amount and significance will vary with type.

  9. #29
    Señora Member Elfa's Avatar
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    If you two have to be making sacrifices to each other, why are you in a relationship? Shouldn't a relationship be a good thing?

  10. #30
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post

    The issue is that he feels that as a couple, we need to spend these outtings together. If I want to stay, and he wants to leave, he believes I should leave, since we already spent time at the gathering. Why stay? We've already been here for X amount of time. He says that during gatherings, he doesn't want me to go alone, he wants to go. But when he goes, he doesn't have fun, and then I can't have fun. I ask him to just pass on going on the event and I'll go with friends, and he doesn't want to do that because that's "not what couples do". Once we are married, he already voiced that he feels he will be more strict with this value. That it's only right if married people do everything together.
    This is incredibly concerning. Going by this and your previous posts I can only say - do not marry him. Unless you will enjoy the divorce proceedings. He doesn't want you to go alone because he is a control freak and once you are married to him, he'll feel he has every right to control you and it doesn't matter what he says in regard to that now. The dating stage only gives him so much control. Not that you're going to listen to any of this advice so, do whatever you like, it's not going to make any difference to the end result.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

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