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Thread: E's dating I's...who has the bigger sacrifice?

  1. #11
    i love Array skylights's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
    6w7 so/sx
    EII Ne


    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    he doesn't want to do that because that's "not what couples do". Once we are married, he already voiced that he feels he will be more strict with this value. That it's only right if married people do everything together.
    yeah i think this is basically the problem right here. i would challenge this in a calm and rational manner... why should couples do everything together? isn't it actually more healthy if you have some separate interests? your time extraverting can be extra relaxation time for him.

    as for evidence to the contrary, my ESFJ mom and INTP dad will frequently do this - dad will make an appearance, then make himself scarce, while mom sticks around. and their marriage is 30+ years and counting.

  2. #12
    Crazy Diamond Array Billy's Avatar
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    Oct 2009


    Bad chemistry, re-examine what your relationship is built on and put the wedding on hold.
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  3. #13
    Dependable Skeleton Array Engineer's Avatar
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    Feb 2011
    6w5 sx/sp


    Going to have to agree with the others here.
    As an INTJ with a lot of S tendencies, I can somewhat understand where your fiancee is coming from, but his methods of handling the situation are overly controlling and definitely something that will not work out in a long-term relationship (like marriage). I, too, often got bored when my extroverted ex-SO used to drag me out to meet people and do things, but it was made clear up front that she wanted me to be there and that my presence would make her happy, so I did my best to enjoy myself and not leave early.
    And, funnily enough, every time that happened, I usually found a few like-minded people to talk to by the time she would swoop around to see how I was doing. And that made her much happier.
    The issue, here, it seems-- and pardon my advice-giving-- is one of how you two as a couple view "sacrifice." Obviously, him being at a gathering you want to attend is not much of a sacrifice to you. To him--and this is the interesting part-- it is for some reason. If he is really as difficult as you describe him (ENFPs can be prone to a bit of exaggeration when they're peeved at someone, I should know), then you need to have a serious talk with him about your future.

    This is not just an interest issue, this is a socialization issue tainted with hints of control problems (IxTJs get draconian if they're worried or operating out of bad territory). If you don't want to end up having to limit your interactions to an hour each, you need to sit down and talk this through with him. Explain in detail how you feel, and why you feel that way. See if you can compromise, or maybe win him over to your point of view.

    Though, to be frank, if he really wants to be with an ENFP, particularly you, he should be willing to sacrifice the occasional extra hour or three, or at the very least, be comfortable with the fact that you aren't going to leave your friends just because he's had enough socializing for the day.

    Again, speaking as an I-type, this shouldn't even be an issue. Don't be afraid to stick up for yourself.
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  4. #14
    Senior Member Array
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    Jun 2011
    2 so/sx


    How do you deal with the silence after you've said something and he is digesting?

    I get an urge to fill it with more sound but stop and make an effort. Thing is it feels like my brain is dying on the inside.

  5. #15
    Certified Sausage Smoker Array Elfboy's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
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    sacrifice is stupid. if you have to sacrifice a lot in a relationship, get another one
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  6. #16
    Away with the fairies Array Southern Kross's Avatar
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    Dec 2008
    4w5 so/sp


    Reminds me a little bit of an article I recently read on Apparently it doesn't matter if you are very different in some ways if you maintain the communication lines. Here's an interesting portion with a real life example of a couple:

    Quote Originally Posted by Psychology Today - Are You with the Right Mate?
    What's most noticeable about Sarah and Mark Holdt of Estes Park, Colorado, is their many differences. "He's a Republican, I'm a Democrat. He's a traditional Christian, I'm an agnostic. He likes meat and potatoes, I like more adventurous food," says Sarah. So Mark heads off to church and Bible study every week, while Sarah takes a "Journeys" class that considers topics like the history of God in America. "When he comes home, I'll ask, 'What did you learn in Bible Study?'" she says. And she'll share her insights from her own class with him.

    But when Sarah wants to go to a music festival and Mark wants to stay home, "I just go," says Sarah. "I don't need to have him by my side for everything." He's there when it matters most—at home, at the dinner table, in bed. "We both thrive on touch," says Sarah, "so we set our alarm a half hour early every morning and take that time to cuddle." They've been married for 14 years.

    It takes a comfortable sense of self and deliberate effort to make relationships commodious enough to tolerate such differences. What's striking about the Holdts is the time they take to share what goes on in their lives—and in their heads—when they are apart. Research shows that such "turning toward" each other and efforts at information exchange, even in routine matters, are crucial to maintaining the emotional connection between partners.

    Say one partner likes to travel and the other doesn't. "If you view this with a feeling of resentment, that's going to hurt, over and over again," says Doherty. If you can accept it, that's fine—provided you don't start living in two separate worlds.
    INFP 4w5 so/sp

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  7. #17
    Senior Member Array
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    Oct 2008


    Firstly, he is an introvert, not antisocial correct?

    He charges from his alone time so WHERE is he expelling his social energy if not while you guys are out? Not only this, but introverts 'mini charge' all the time even while they are socializing just by going into their own head briefly.

    My point is this doesn't sound like an E/I issue in the slightest, 1 hour is an awfully short time for going out by anyone's standard and he shouldn't expect you to sacrifice your good time just so you two are "together all the time" which is ridiculously naive and unrealistic sentiment.

  8. #18
    Senior Member Array
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    Aug 2009


    Like what others have mentioned, it's an interest compatibility thing - instead of an E/I issue.

    I'd be SO happy if I get time alone and my E is out there.

  9. #19
    Anew Leaf


    Taking into account that we are only hearing one side of this relationship (and based on the other threads started with the same theme) my conclusion is that this is a relationship with two immature individuals that should not marry each other.

    Marriage is about compromise above all else which will involve some sacrifice and bending of the self. It should not be done as an eradication of the self. Like what other people stated and quoted... If two people have different dynamics that are important to each of them, then a creative solution needs to be found.

    For me when I have dated extroverts I have given them free reign to spend loads of time with their friends doing whatever loud crazy dumb stuff they want to. I take that time and use it for myself to be alone. Win-win-win.

  10. #20


    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    For me when I have dated extroverts I have given them free reign to spend loads of time with their friends doing whatever loud crazy dumb stuff they want to. I take that time and use it for myself to be alone. Win-win-win.
    Yep. I'm dating an ENFP and this is precisely what I do. While I watch Netflix, he goes out with his friends and parties like it's 1999... and then he comes home when his stomach is in knots because he decided to be the belle of the ball and shotgun 12 blazin' hot buffalo wild wings for a free t-shirt.

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